Adoption - has it affected you

My birth mother died in 2007, she was 68, I have found out I have 4 half brothers and 3 half sisters, don't know what I'm going to do next, they probably don't know about me.

I can't decide what to do, I wish I had done it years ago, when I phoned 17 yrs ago I was told records had been destroyed in a fire, as I had alot of problems in my life at that time I didn't bother to do anymore, and yes it has alot to do with age, my mother will be about 73, maybe too much time has passed,she may not want to have things raked up, although I do not think she wanted to give me up, as I read a letter she had written to the home thanking them for getting me a good home , and saying she was very lonely after me , I was quite upset and sad when I read it, my adoptive parents were absolutely brilliant, I loved them dearly, and miss them so much,so I will always think of them as my mum and dad, also I don't want to upset any other children she might have, or her husband , they might not know! to tell the honest truth I don't know what to do , I have 2 phone numbers of people who might be related,i'll have to think about it, any advice would be gratefully received!

If you are pondering grannyinmypocket is it beacause of age - my mom was 71 when I found her I spoke to her for the first time on the 12th Feb 1996 and met her on valentines day that year - It was the best thing I ever did - she passed away 6th May 2007 I was so pround to have known her and received her love - we had 11 happy years of knowing each other - and i miss her - of my father I dont know I was given a name, but a few querys as well - a lot of things going on - should we say!! but I know one thing - my so called adoptive mother, was not fit to wipe the ground my real mom walked on - when I found her - I found the true love and acceptance from a mother that a daugher should have ( sorry if I am going on) for that i am eteranlly grateful

Still pondering grannyinmypocket?? Do keep us informed won't you

Still haven't made my mind up, thought about it alot,

grannyinmypocket - I sat on the scant information I had about my birth mom for 12mnths before I did anything - and during that time - I kept taking it out of the drawer and crying over it. there was not a lot, but enough to make me emotional - but in the end i did something with it - I had a positive outcome,

I got in touch with adoption society, I had a portfolio of correspondence regarding my adoption sent to me via a sociial worker, includind hand written letters from my birth mother, I also found out my fathers name, It has left me feeling very sad, I don't know what I'm going to do about it, my mother may still be alive she'll only be 72, I'll have to think about,

Adoption is a minefield for all parties and I have found this thread extremely poignant.

I do hope, however, that these personal accounts will give prospective and current social workers valuable insight into the emotive and complicated issues surrounding adoption. In fact I am planning to print this off to give to our (adopted) daughter who has just qualified as a social worker. She has a job lined up in Child Protection with a view to specialising in adoption issues later on.

The honesty and raw emotion displayed by so many Gransnetters is extremely moving and my heart goes out to everyone - whether they are adopted or have, for very sad reasons, had to give up their babies for adoption.

I will probably tell you our own story at a later date. Meanwhile I am trying to digest all the other stories, some of which are really heartbreaking.

I've been in touch with organisation that dealt with my adoption, it seems they still have my records, I am going to be allowed to see them, so I'll be able to find out stuff about myself, I don't know if I'll take it any further, I'ts going to take a few weeks . I'll let you know what happens.

Burgundygran that is so sad, and so true

From a different perspective my father was adopted after being fostered.

His mother died when he was two and he was the youngest of 7. His father had his own business and so the two youngest were sent to live with others. Dad's maternal grandparents took my aunt, two years older than dad but couldn't take him, so a neighbouring couple took dad. He saw his dad and brothers and sisters all the time so always knew them. His foster mother was a horrid woman she wouldn't let dad have anything from his father - toys, sweets, presents for birthday or Christmas they were all thrown in the bin. Then when he was 13 he was adopted. He remembered being in court and asked if he know his father which he did. Then a year later he started work.

His adoptive mother hated my mother and called her terrible names and when mum and dad married refused to go to the wedding although his foster father did.

I believe that he couldn't love us a parent should because he was never shown love. He couldn't praise us either, we found out how proud he was after he died. It severely affected his life and I wish his dad had kept him or he could have gone with his sister.

Obviously not all adoptions are like that but when they go wrong, well they go wrong. And dad's adoption had an affect on us as well as him.

I often think my birth mother has 2 grandaughters and 3 great grandsons that she doesn't know about, yes I'd love to find things out but I probably will never do it.

Graninmypocket, I had to be at a place in my life when I could deal with possible rejection. We all have questions I feel, about ourselves I had loads, mainly I think when I was a teenager, but the most emotion, came when I held my own daughter in my arms for the first time, I knew she had a grandmother somewhere that did not know her, My father, the most I have is a name, and even that is shrouded in mystry and intriuge, as my natural sister, thinks that aactually her farther is slao my dad, ( its a long story) if you have these feelings then at least fo looking I di. but you have to be in the right place.

my cousin was brought up by our grandmother & also for a while by my mum as she was still living at home. My aunt was a teacher and had to go to a mother and baby home and then get a job overseas to build up a CV again. She always supported her son financially and took a great interest in him and his life but she never told him who his father was. Once he was an adult and married she was more involved, as perhaps my grandmother by this time was infirm. He always called our grandmother 'mother' and his mother by her first name. I have no idea when he knew the truth of the situation but I know I was in my early teens when I realised that it was not possible for this young man to be my uncle! No-one ever spoke about it and I never asked..just gleaned bits of info here and there from other family members. So glad times are more open for most people now.

The more stories I read, the more I appreciate my mother's courage in insisting that my father allowed my 20-year old sister to bring home her baby. This was 1950 and there was much gossip in the street. My mother wanted my sister to be 'churched' but the priest refused. (It didn't matter to my sister, she had been an atheist for years and had suffered horribly in the catholic mother and baby home).
She married when my niece was about three and had another three children, but I always thought she did not love her husband but just wanted respectability - they lived in a different area. She did not tell her daughter, but my other sister answered our niece's questions when she was an adult - she had always felt that her 'father' treated her differently from her siblings. She was relieved, as she had never liked him. He never adopted .

My own daughter had a baby when she was 20 - she thought the young father would marry her, but he was not ready for such responsibility and just went away. Fortunately, I was then in a position to provide her with a nice little house, pay all her bills, buy all her baby things, etc. Apparently, I made things too easy, as she had another baby,also out of wedlock, two years later. She now has six children and is very happily married and my two grandsons are fine young men, but I think she was very lucky to meet her husband, who is the best step-father you could possibly imagine.

I cannot imagine the pain of having to give up your baby and I am so glad that society is so much more accepting now.

A combination of GN gremlins and an iPad with a mind of its own! Doppler should have read people!

......well, it's all a bit haywire ths morning. Gremlins at work again.

I was saying its an enabling and positive process that helps the person to sift through he possible unwanted consequences and decide how they want to proceed.

I have a friend who works in adoption and festering, and she speaks to Doppler who want help to trace heir birth mothers. It's a very enabling, adult process and is nt designed to be patronising r n any way

I was adopted when I was 6 wks old, my birth mother was only 15, she was from an Irish family , I was born in an unmarried mothers home in Birmingham, I don't think she wanted to give me up as she gave me a little gold ring and bangle, I haven't tried to trace her, she won't be that old , about 71, if she's still alive, I once phoned the home to see if I could find anything out, I was told the records for the year I was born were destroyed in a fire [funny , there's alot of fires in record buildings]. I don't want to impose on her life or her family , I'd just like to know a bit about myself, I know her name .but fathers name blank. I worry about her in case she was treated badly by the nuns in the home! I was told If I went through adoption agency , I would have to go for counselling before they would help me, I don't want to do this,I know I could try and trace her myself , but I don't know how , as I don't know which part of Ireland she was from, north or south. I always knew I was adopted, my Mum said I was chosen, I had brilliant parents , a great childhood, I wouldn't want to change any of it. I just wonder sometimes about myself, where I came from, and if I have any brothers and sisters!

My parents separated during the war and when I was six she left us. From a childrens home, my eldest sister was chosen to live with our father, my brother went to live with an uncle and I went to live with my mothers sister who never adopted me but instead compared me to my mother. I was so unhappy that I left home at 18 and never went back. This lead to a very unhappy marriage where I was abused and raped but eventually got out of it. My siblings and I were all reunited 8 yrs ago but time and the past hasnt helped and we we dont communicate anymore. The strange thing is that my mother and father carried on a relationship in secret until he died. She never made any effort to get in touch with us and my father treated us as if we didnt exist. But I dont feel bitter just very sad that 2 people robbed 4 children of a happy and stable life.

Hi and thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I've certainly been affected by adoption in my adult life but was blissfully unaware until the age of 29 as my adoptive parents were not honest with me and had persuaded the rest of the family to keep their secret. Yet in my teens I became suspicious. I didn't look or behave like anyone in the family and began to feel like a cuckoo in the nest. My relationship with my mother deteriorated although I always adored my dad. She was controling and went in for a lot of emotional blackmail. When I was pregnant with my first daughter she was unbearably difficult and I felt that something was wrong. Then it happened again with my secong pregnancy so convinced that I was not, could not, be her flesh and blood, I took steps to find out the truth....which was: My mother had been left with myself, a sickly baby who needed hospital care for gastro enteritis and a two year old. Our father deserted her, they weren't married. This was Manchester in the early 1950's and her nice middle class family in Cheshire had disowned her.
So how has this knowledge affected me? Well, I was given away but my brother wasn't. I understand that he was older and that in many ways I was the lucky one, but it's sort of sad. I was six months old when handed over and I know with absolute certainty that I have hidden memories. To this day I have a fear of loss and a fear of hospitals. So much do I dislike rejection that I am everybody's friend and can be far too obliging and polite.
The really strange thing is that when growing up, I always felt that I should have an elder brother...weird! Now that I've found my birth family and several half siblings, I'm told that not only do I look like my mum, but I have her mannerisms too. Isn't that odd?! I've led a charmed life, very different from the birth family's. Funny old world isn't it!
This is very long. If you've got this far, thanks for reading it!

grannyactivist it is a hard job isn't it, and so difficult to get across to the general public exactly what we do and why we do it. I am not convinced that the 'name and shame' culture - identifying the 'worst performing' local authorities is going to help the debate or move things on for children in need of families. Neither do I feel that setting targets is going to help - all governments seem to have become obsessed with targets without actually considering how those targets will be achieved. Perhaps if the government proved themselves willing to listen to the experts ie those actually working in the field of adoption, they might learn something.

And em thank you for your kind words. Social Workers thrive on praise though they don't know what to do with it when they get it!! I wish your niece every success in her chosen career. It will certainly be challenging and more difficult now than when I first started many years ago. If I had to offer any advice it would be to hold on to the beliefs and values that made her choose it in the first place, and to take care of herself, because our employers are not ususally very good at doing that.

Nightowl, completely agree with your cogent post.
I used to recruit and prepare prospective adopters for 'hard to place' children (family groups, children with severe physical/mental problems etc.). One couple applying to be adoptive parents almost slipped through the net before it was discovered that they had a very dodgy history and under a previous name had been investigated for child abuse by a different authority. When their application was refused by us they went to the press and made a fuss about being turned down, resulting in letters from the public about social workers being inept and politically correct etc.
We, because of confidentiality, were unable to give any details regarding our reasons for refusal, but at least had the satisfaction of knowing that some poor child/ren had been saved from potential abuse.

Nighowl I found your post very interesting, not only from my own point of view, but because my niece is now setting out on a career which she hopes will be similar to yours. She has just started as a newly-qualified social worker attached to the local authority and is dealing with potential foster parents. She is a caring and loving young woman who takes her career very seriously. If all social workers were like you and her, I don't think we'd have too many problems. Unfortunately like so many professions, we don't always get the right person in the right job!

Gayle Please may I try to present a different picture of what happens in adoption practice today. I currently undertake assessments of prospective foster carers and have close links with adoption agencies. I would like to try to dispel the myth that there are lots of wonderful, loving, caring couples who are turned away for spurious reasons. I accept that there may be the odd case that hits the headlines but even then there will often be another side to the story that is presented by the media.

The reality is that there is a serious shortage of prospective adopters and the current economic climate is affecting this still further. There are few babies available for adoption nowadays, and I’m sure we would all welcome the fact that single mothers are no longer placed under pressure to give up their babies. Sadly, older children have already suffered the damaging effects of their early life experience and subsequent changes of placement. They need more than 'good enough parenting' to overcome this start in life and it is only fair, for the child’s sake, that prospective adopters are thoroughly assessed and educated about what they may be taking on. I never cease to be amazed at the extraordinary people who embrace this, but we cannot pretend that it is an easy task.

I believe that many prospective adopters actually choose to take themselves out of the process when they realise it is not what they thought it would be and not for them; for some of them surrogacy and adoption abroad will provide the baby that is what they really want. Absolutely understandable and what most of us would want, given a choice.

I do accept that there are many problems with the adoption process which need to be addressed, but like em i do not feel there is a simple answer.

I apologise if it is inappropriate to post this message on what is actually a discussion about personal experience of adoption, but I hope it may be of some interest.