Worried about adult son's relationship

Ladybird - I know it is hard for people of an older generation to come to terms with homosexuality, but in fact your son IS normal and will, I hope, live a full and happy life when he finds the right partner.
Much misery has been caused by homosexual men and women being unable to accept their own sexuality because of what they perceive as the 'shame' of it. My daughter found out her husband was gay after 14 years of marriage and three children. He had fought very hard to repress his true feelings and it made many people very unhappy.
I am so glad that , at least in Britain, most people no longer have a problem with other people's sexuality - young people in particular seem to be very accepting.
I hope you have reassured your son that you love him and accept him as he is - of course he is not gay 'by choice', any more than he has had choice of his eye colour. How much research have you done about homesexuality? You may be surprised to find what a huge range of sexuality there is in humans and other animals, and how many very successful people have been gay.

just caught up with gransnet after some time away etc., read Pigeon's problem with her son and feel very deeply for her and her son and after reading most of the replies it's pretty obvious we all love our children unconditionally and want them to be happy in their lives. My problem is that my son is gay not through choice and before I was made aware I did not understand or have any sympathy or empathy with the gay community, strange how one's opinions change when issues affect you. I would give my right arm for him to be as we term "normal" , I could write a book on the subject as to how it affects me now. I have been taught a harsh lesson, not to comment on the unknown. I hope Pigeon, that at this time your son has recovered from his dilema, he is obviously a caring loving person and one day will be able to share his life with someone who returns his feelings and live happily ever after (as the story goes). Heartbreak is horrible, but he has youth on his side and the world is his oyster. Best of luck to him and of course yourself x

You're right to be proud of him, Pigeon. He is a real grown-up person and can handle his own life crises, but that doesn't stop you being concerned about him from time to time. I think if someone messes your offspring about, you get that indignant 'how dare they?' feeling! I was there once but my DS was mature enough at 20 to sort himself out - ie he left the country!

Thanks whenin64. I have to say I'm quite proud of him. Getting all sentimental now (or is it just 'mental?). Must be the !

Pigeon that's positive news - he has obviously been able to think things through - well done, your son!

I'll start on mine soon.

No doubt there will be further developments (I just have a feeling this saga will run on a little while longer) so don't go too far away imjingle (or is it jingle for short?, I may still need to rant/ramble etc.

Thanks again

Oh that is good Pigeon. It didn't sound like she was the right one. Glad he's not too much on the floor.

I was coming back with some more pearls of wisdom sisterly advice, but you don't need it now.

Well thank God for that, he's had the gumption to end it earier today! Very nicely of course (he's the epitome of a 'nice guy') but with his dignity in tact. Although a little emotional as you'd expect, he looks like he has had the weight taken off his shpoulders and so I feel much easier - as long as it lasts!

But really this post isn't an update about him, it's a thank-you to all of you who have supported me. So glad I found GN - you helped me get things i perspective and realise I'm not weird or neurotic!

Yes, it is a bit like treading on eggshells when you detect something is not quite right, but they aren't at that stage of wanting to complain. I suspected my daughter was not that happy about where her relationship is going (they don't live together, so that's a positive thing), but she isn't ready to say anything, other than a comment a few days ago - 'I'm not relying on any man. I'll sort things myself!' I didn't want to jump on her comment, so just said 'well, I know what that's like - it makes you determined to get things done, doesn't it?' She'll say more in her own good time.

Hi! I am new to the forum Yes! the advice above is good its just that one can get worries so out of proportion in the wee small hours that to air it in a forum like this really helps to get into perspective. I still have sleepless nights worrying about my 30yr old children. Its amazing also how one can worry about what might just happen in the future!

At present its my 30+ son's relationship. I have sensed tensions there for a long time, he had not sounded happy on the phone many times. (he lives over 100 miles away.) I discussed my concerns with him alone one Christmas when we were together and he did admit to a lot of bickering. I emailed him afterwards suggesting (fairly tactfully I hope) that they need to sort this out as a couple asap if they really want a happy long term relaltionship and certainly before any children came along as the obvious tensions would not be a good environment.

I don't know if it helped but at least I feel I have made it clear to him that I that I have felt the tension between them and I am willing to talk about it if he wishes.

This is in the context of my own family experience.
Back in the late 70s My sister was in a difficult relationship which my parents were well aware of but never openly acknowledged. In our family nothing unpleasant was ever discussed! After my teenage neice asked me for help I arranged that someone supporting her should speak to my mum and dad and this allowed my sister to acknowledge the issues with them and move out of the relationship.

I think if we are worried about our kids relationships we should as tactfully as possible let them know we have at least detected tensions and are willing to talk about this.

'catastrophising' is definitely a word. It's one of the 'in' words at the moment.

I will have to have a think about the rest of your post while I do some jobs. Will return.

.....and the saga continues. DS's girlfriend is still keeping him in limbo and he's not got to the stage of (yet) to telling her to take a running jump. It's only been a week but I just wish he would get on with it and put himself out of his misery.

Me? Well I'm a bit weary of it all and trying (unsuccesssfully at the moment) to distance myself a bit now he seems to be over the worse - although I can see he is still very upset and needs someone to talk to. There's only me really. He has lots of friends, but you know what men are like! And his dad (we are divorced) is as much use as a one-legged man in a bottom kicking contest!

I suppose people will say he's being unfair on me expecting that I support him through it but I'm afraid I'm a big softie when it comes to my family and can't see what else I can do. I tell myself that when his past relationships have ended, he's dealt with it himself so why should I begrudge him at this time, when he obviously isn't coping? I steer clear of telling him what to do - I just make lots of suggestions and leave it up to him. He's starting to get a bit grumpy with me - perhaps this is a good sign?

What I can't get to grips with still is why it affects me so much. I'm not as anxious as I was when I first posted but it's still on my mind more than I think it should be and this annoys me about myself. Plus I resent the fact that the actions of a person I hardly know are having an impact on me - even if it's only been for a short time.

Perhaps I am just being a bit of a drama queen - I do have a habit of catastrophising (is that a real word?) things. Time to give myself another talking-to, I think!!

Hi, when I find myself worrying about my DDs I try to remember what I was doing at their age and if I would have wanted my mum to have sleepless night on my behalf! The answer is usually a decisive NO! I still worry but it helps put it into perspective for me! Good luck and hope however the relationship progresses ( remember she may become your DiL yet!) your son shows his appreciation for your support.

Pigeon - we're all doing the same thing on here! We listen to each other, then put our own experiences forward, then we try and help each other and receive help FROM each other! Thank goodness for Gransnet!

Ha, look at me dishing out the 'good' advice when I can't even sort my own problems out!

(Just really appreciative of the support I got and trying to give something back.)

Oh Wiz, it's awful isn't it when you see someone treating them badly? But thinking about how I coped with a similar situation (my first marriage was difficult and I was subjected to similar behaviour to what your son is experiencing), all i can say is that you learn to deal with it and it's not bad all the time - even though it appears that way to others. Sometimes I think they can't help showing off in front of others just to show they have the upper hand.

I'm sure your son has his own way of coping with things, as I did, and he will eventually make his mind up whether he is happy with the relationship or not. He has you if support and as Imjingle says, you can only be there with a shouldetr to cry on if if he needs one.

Try not to worry too much and let it spoil the enjoyment of your new grandchild. Keep your chin up!

Wiz, you're only seeing them when they are 'not alone'! Perhaps she's showing off a bit and not realising just how much this is hurting you. If your son seems happy, then he'll likely be seeing a different side of her, where they have a loving relationship together.

I worry about my son's relationship. He has just had a baby son and has got engaged to his girlfriend but she seems to delight in humiliating him. Nothing is ever right. A typical remark was made about her engagement ring- it's a lovely diamond set in white gold but she had to say "in an ideal world it would be platinum". I felt like saying that if she wants expensive stuff she is marrying the wrong man but managed to keep my opinions to myself. We were looking through photos of him as a baby and child and she picked fault all the time. Why is she with him if he doesn't live up to her expectations? I'm really worried that he will lose all confidence or am I being silly? He's a great man with a good sense of humour,hardworking and kind. He says he is happy so I really hope he is but I still worry.

It's been another day of tea and sympathy with DS, although he's bearing up quite well to say the silly bint is still leading him a merry dance.

Imjingle was right when she said about being angry with her for letting him slip through her fingers. Of course, I'm biased but he reall y is a lovely bloke -clever, funny and kind (and gorgeous too, I'm told!). It's her loss as far as I'm concerned. It's all I can do to stop myself going round and giving her a piece of my mind - but he's not six years old, so I won't.

Flowerfriend, I wish I could just let him get on with it but I'm afraid it's the family rule (we are a large, close, brood of mildly dysfunctional rellies) that we help each other out in difficult times. If I thought it wasn't helping I would stop but it seems to be getting the right results so will carry on until the time comes to tell him to 'man-up' and get over it.

I have told him that when I eventually end up old and with dementia (it runs in the family), he will have to return the favour and look after me single-handedly. I will settle for nothing less!

hello Pigeon. Like you I am new to the site but I have already found it a good place to feel supported. Our son had a horrendous time a few years ago and is now happy. I absolutely agree that the only way not to worry is not to have kids but as one of my daughter's said to me, 'but sometimes its good and happy things happen'. We are just coming through another hard time with one of ours and it is important to hold on to your need to look after yourself. We have 3 children - all grown up- but we have always thought that if 2 are ok 1 of them will be having problems. Maybe having 3 was taking too much of a chance but they are all wonderful really, and different, even if they do cause us pain and worryas well as joy. Do they deliberately take it in turns? Sorry for rambling but maybe that's the beauty of the site

Pigeon, please don't think you have to have only cheery posts when you come onto Gransnet! All life is here. We've discussed very deep issues to do with our families and I have had tremendous support and I hope I have been able to give a little, too.
What mother doesn't want to see their adult child happy and settled in a relationship, if that's what they want themselves? I started a thread a while ago about the worrying I do about mine, and the replies came tumbling in, as they did with yours! It really did make me feel better, too. We don't worry because we want to, we worry because we feel there's a need to do it. As Pompa remarked, the only way not to worry about our sons and daughters, is not to have any!
One of my very good friends (who lurks on here, so she'll read this, no doubt!) said to me the other day, "Isn't it wonderful when everything's alright with them?" How very, very true.
Your son will alright, Pigeon. My son (40) has been my main worry over the years. He's a great one for saying for saying, "Take it as it comes - it'll all work out in the end......." Why can't I HEAR what he's telling me?

Pigeon, There is nothing you can do about it. Perhaps he will get dumped, or perhaps it will all work out well for them. You are perfectly normal in worrying about him. It's horrible when things go wrong for your children. You feel so helpless, and if you're anything like me, angry with the daft girl for letting such a fantastic catch slip through her fingers.

Just be ready with a shoulder if necessary.

And remember there will be a next time.

Big thanks to all of you who've replied. It's great advice and very reassuring that others have had similar feelings/worries and got through things ok. I was quite overwhelmed when I saw all your messages as I only found and joined this site today. You've no idea how relieved I am to find such a place. I can see already that I'm going to be an avid user.....but perhaps will make an effort to post something cheerful next time!

Thanks again to all x

pigeon I too am a worrier but there comes a time when I believe it is best to attempt to divorce oneself from the day to day worries of ones children. However it sounds to me as if your son wants you to help him with his current emotional problem.

This is not a good thing for either of you.

My sons are 42 and 41 and 34. Things happen from time to time in their lives which give me the odd sleepless night but I try to keep my feelings and my opinions to myself. But I still hold the opinion that I should concentrate on my own personal problems and let them get through life without the hindrance of yet another view on it.

I know what you are going through and I feel for you.