Worried about adult son's relationship

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Thanks all the info is very useful.

Oops sorry Annobel the curse of close timing again!!

Wiz if your son is named on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility and completely equal rights to the mother. The law changed in that respect for babies born after 1st December 2003. Your son needs to seek legal advice quickly so that he is able to maintain his contact and not allow things to drift. He has every right to apply for a residence order if he feels the baby is at risk, or even if he thinks he could offer better care.

Good luck

You can find out about his rights on this web site or visit your local CAB.

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/faq_index_family/faq_family_access_to_children_after_separation_not_married.htm

Thanks everyone for your advice. Grannyknot, I think you may be right as she now knows that we know what's going on. My son is very worried about being denied contact with his son when he leaves her as they are not married. He is named on the birth certificate. Does anyone know what his rights are?

I think the baby will be fine. You say she is domineering. That doesn't mean she is out of control. She is being abusive to your son for reasons we can't possibly know. But that doesn't mean she would harm her baby. Domineering isn't necessarily the same as angry. It sounds more complicated than simply losing her temper and hitting out.

wiz your son has done the right thing by not maintaining the 'conspiracy of silence' he sounds like a wise man, albeit chose the wrong partner. At least now with everything in the open, she may be a bit more careful about her actions. Hugs and good luck, you've lots of support and good advice on here.

Wise words from Mishap and Whenim64, although mothers may love their children and do their best - that best is not always good enough.

Oh dear, this sounds risky, Wiz. Unfortunately, babies and children sometimes get in the firing line of violent behaviour between adults, so your son cannot guarantee the baby's safety. If she is being abusive every day, the baby will inevitably witness this and learn to copy it. Will she speak to her GP about her behaviour? There are support groups for abused men, and a helpful advice website called Men Hurt Too, if your son would be interested in becoming more empowered and wants to find a way to stop it happening again.

I think you are right Wiz you can not take a baby away from it's mother. Best keep a watchful eye and ask to visit as often as possible so that situation can be assessed.

Oh dear - what a sorry situation - how difficult for you to know what to do for the best.

I would not share your son's view that the baby is safe really even though she adores him - if she is physically abusive to your son then this shows a lack of self-control and when the baby becomes a defiant toddler she may find this hard to deal with patiently. I can understand why your son might wish to stick around to keep the wee lad safe, but it is not an emotionally stable background for the child either, as I am sure you realise.

It sounds as though it is a very tangled situation - but in the end he has to work his own life out in his own way - standing back and watching this situation must be very hard for you and I can only send my good wishes for a happy outcome. I am sure that he knows that you are there for him and that is all you can really do, unless you have serious concerns about the babe's safety that need to be reported.

Well what an awful few days! I posted on here in May that I was worried about my son's relationship with a domineering partner. On Saturday he appeared out of the blue with the baby and said he couldn't stand it any longer. We told him that he couldn't take the baby away from the mother and my husband and I took him back. When we tried to discuss with my son's partner about the future she got very aggressive and ordered us out of the house! My son has since told us that she has been verbally and physically abusive to him almost every day. I am very frightened that she could do him serious harm. My son said that he's sure that the baby is safe as she adores him. At the moment she is trying to get my son back by saying that they could live separate lives in the same house so they could both be there for the baby. As it is a small property this would be very difficult. As his partner is ill at the moment with tonsillitis my son has agreed to go back until she is better so he can care for the baby at night (he is working during the day). I am so worried for his safety and that she will find every excuse to keep him there when she is better. Any advice?

((hugs))

..and she's going back to the safety of her home. I never had a 'home' as such to go back to and always thought how wonderful it would be to have 'my home and my room' to go back to when life had stabbed me in the back. Lots of tlc and a pat on the back for granjura for 'being there'.

JessM you are so right. She is very confident, beautiful and intelligent- and really seems to be (but underneath you never know) so confident. So your 'theory' sounds right.

Southern Tenerife is on fire - and she has just phoned to say she has to stay, as a friend's 16 year old daughter has had to be evacuated with her dogs and has nowhere to go and she just can't leave her whilst her mum is abroad.

And from me! ((hug)))

Granjura, with your support and love, she will pick herself up and have the success in life that she obviously deserves. But it's hard on both of you at the moment. ((((hugs)))) to mother and daughter.

Granjura, it is great that you are there and can provide a bit of a refuge and first aid!
I have always wondered why so many women (including some that are confident and intelligent) fall for bad guys. Most of us have probably succumbed at some stage.
I used to think it was all to do with low self esteem. Now I am not so sure.
I suspect there is a genetic tendency amongst us females to be attracted to apparently "alpha" males - dominant, confident risk takers, who are also often the ones that are unfaithful. And that in their turn, these guys have an inherited tendency to be like this.
That would figure in a Darwininan sense - they tend to be the ones who are unfaithful (as well as unreliable) and who therefore end up impregnating more than their fair share of women. Or maybe they get chased by more than their fair share of women. (Some of whom end up with nice guys in the longer term.)
The two men I married have been at opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard.
Am I making sense?

Granjura It never ends, does it? That lifelong commitment to their health and happiness.
I had to bite my tongue for seven years whilst my older daughter allowed a much older man to dominate her and destroy much of her self confidence. I knew that if it came to a competition she would choose him. Finally, she saw sense, and got rid of him and met a lovely man within weeks - they have now been married for 16 wonderful years.
If your daughter is anything like you, she is strong and independent and this may be a blessing in disguise - let us hope she feels she can manage without him and make a good life for herself.

I feel for you. Our youngest daughter, aged 37, gave up everything in the UK to go and live with her very domineering partner abroad. She invested everything she had into their new business venture, working 24/7 to get it going. And tomorrow evening she is arriving here with nothing - the relationship having broken down. I won't discuss any of her private life here- would never do that on a Forum just in case.

She is beautiful, speaks several languages, excellent work record, so many friends, talented - and yet as a history of being attracted to very good looking, macho and controlling men. Time-out, cuddles and tears- then onwards and forwards.

You may be worrying unnecessarily, Ladybird. 'Coming out' has not done any harm to Elton John and George Michael! There is much more acceptance and understanding in the community at large, certainly in Britain, and if there are a few people still as prejudiced as you admit to having been yourself, your support for your son may help to change their thinking.
I hope you feel able to be perfectly open with your friends and family - there is certainly nothing to be ashamed of and it is quite likely that many people knew before you did.

many thanks to those who have commented on my post regarding my gay son , I DO love him unconditionally and reassure him regularly, it's MY issue and not his, he is a quiet, gentle affectionate person, the real problem for me is how would he deal with those 'out there' who are rebellious against gays. It is so refreshing to be able to 'air' ones inner feelings with people such as those who have taken the time to reply and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
thank you X

Being straight does not confer relationship happiness, any more than being gay means one is bound to be have unhappy relationships. I would love to see my gay son in a happy, settled relationship but that's my stuff, not his. I love him unconditionally and the gay relationships he has been in (several and varied) have made me realise that he has not yet found a particular type of person who suits him. Meanwhile, he is busy working and studying and is making a lifestyle for himself that he is comfortable with.

Greatnan's point about sexuality being wide-ranging is so true - the continuum of sexual preference is a constantly moving thing that we can move back and forth on throughout our lives. Some people stay at polarised ends and others have much more flexible preferences. The important thing is that no-one is criticised or excluded for their responsible choices in relationships as they become adults.