I found husband looking at internet porn

It's odd that porn in magazines is sort of OK but porn on-line is considered outrageous. I would be amazed if my DH looked at porn and am not sure how I'd react. But I think I'd probably laugh and buy him a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.

But if you're upset Pinkhater, then the sooner you tell your DH how you feel the better. Get it out in the open, as it were.

I would be upset, there is no doubt about that. Is it really a case of just being a man. Some posters expect their menfolk to be looking at porn on regular basis but it disgusts me. It so degrading for the women who pose for it. It gives men the idea that a woman is only really having good time when she is involved in the sexual act and I'm afraid they are kidding themselves.
Most rapists still believe the women were 'asking for it'
pinkhater I hope you can find a way out of this as life with HIM can't be much fun at the moment.

jingl titter!

soop!!!!!!

I would be pi**ed off too! If he cannot understand why you might not comfortable with it you need to find a way to tell him!

I am not prudish in my personal life ..nudity /sex etc. My DH & I stayed in a relatives house years ago and found a stash of soft porn mags under the bed we were using. We had a good time reading them together. And that's the point really. I would feel excluded if DH was looking at porn on his own. Though now I believe that all porn is exploitative and degrading so would not even want to share the viewing /reading.

I would feel personally offended and insulted especially if I had already had to mention it. I would print off a couple of articles about erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation and leave them hanging around. Fight fire with fire.

pinkhater as long as it's just the bushes that have been at the tender mercy of your brutal pruning shears...

Thanks for the variety of comments/advice. Particularly to Mishap. I appreciate your considered response. Lots of food for thought there. I always knew that attitudes to this are very mixed, as years ago in my 40's I was on a social care course, discussing an imaginary scenario and was the only person who was prepared to condemn it outright. I am still not ashamed of the fact that I dislike and disapprove of any of it, as I know that many of my attitudes to other issues are very liberal.
I'm still not sure what I'll do but I'm certainly feeling better after reading this and hacking away (pruning) a bush in the garden this morning.

Hi pinkhater, I would ask him how he would feel if he found you looking at porn in the same way? As grrrrany said, it is difficult to define porn, I know, I have just spent a year studying it for my degree....... He should know how you feel, and you are right it is objectifying women, many of whom are forced into it for money. Would he like it if men were viewing his daughter in the same way?

I think erotica has it's place in a relationship if both partnes are comfortable with it. You should tell him exactly how you feel pinkhater.

Joan, in the bathroom?! Down the side of the bed more like, surely?! (speaking for son that is, not DH. He wouldn't dare!)

"I am really p*****d off with him but don't know if I should be !!?"

Well I think there is no "should" here. Your feelings about it are your feelings - they are valid and you have no obligation to search your conscience as to how you "should" be feeling.

We do not know the level of intimacy that your relationship has - either physical or verbal. Some relationships tick along, thriving on a degree of distance and personal space; others are full-on partnerships with every thought and act shared. Both are fine.

How you respond will depend on where your relationship falls on this spectrum.
Some people would want to bring their feelings into the open and have a discussion about it - you may feel belittled, betrayed or rejected personally; or you may object to it on broader "political" grounds of the objectification of women. And you may feel that you want to tell him this.

Or you might look at the rest of your relationship and the way it ticks along and feel you do not want to rock the boat, but value the good bits and grit your teeth through the bad.

You say you walked in on him - what did you say? Does he know you are not happy?

Disliking the idea of men looking at porn when they are in a stable relationship is not being a "prude" - it is quite understandable, so don't beat yourself up about it - you have enough on your plate!

I think we are all generally under pressure to be "cool" about anything sexual and frightened of seeming prudish - we should resist this pressure and be ourselves. Sexual activity has always been a private activity in all cultures, and we all have an element of prudishness in that we do not wish to watch others in action or be watched ourselves. I can understand that you might find it disturbing that he wishes to do so. Whether you tell him this will depend on the desired outcome.

It's your house as much as the OH-so what comes into the house should show respect for both of you.

But is it that easy?? Isn't that why we have security programs etc loaded onto our systems??

When doing research sometimes a site comes up that my computer denies me access to

I'm surprised that so many of you seem to be taking the line of "men go through such phases"

However ...*pinkhater*, you've got to do what you are most comfortable with. Although it seems it is somewhat 'eating' away at you ...so -silence and do nothing; or talk with him and take action; or just do something about the level of protocols you have set up on the computer.

Think carefully first

Think I would be inclined to find him so much DIY,he wouldnt have time to be looking,but I would be hurt too as it would knock my confidence in myself.
He would most definitely be in the dog housexxxx

pinkhater Slightly rude alert. I wish I thought I would be as sanguine as some of the other posters but I would be angry and sad just like you. Erotica is one thing and porn is another. Those girls/women apparently writhing with pleasure as something! is stuck up their bum or in mouth. Ha - very likely. And I would think of the dirty old man syndrome which wouldn't make me admire the viewer much. However, I suppose I do acknowledge that it takes a bit more to excite men (and women perhaps) as they age. Would like to think I could toss! some screen wipes at him to make sure keyboard and mouse not sticky but much prefer the parental control idea. I actually think I am prudish so take no notice of my views - more balanced ideas from others will be much more helpful but I thought you might like to know you are not alone in how you reacted.

Gosh, I must be peculiar because I'd just laugh if I saw my husband looking at porn. Or just walk on by ignoring it. After all, with the computer they are only looking - harmless really. It is only the same as the stash of Playboy magazines in the bathroom in the pre internet age, isn't it? I have always assumed that my husband and sons look at the stuff, or have looked at it and it all seems sort of normal and inevitable.

I do remember years ago at work, when we upgraded from a mini-computer with terminals for each employee, to a network of individual PCs. A very devout catholic lady decided to use the internet to book a flight to see her daughter, on Virgin airlines. So she keyed in Virgin and got inundated with porn sites. She was mortified, we all thought it was hilarious, and the IT people could hardly keep a straight face when they responded to her panic.

But - it shows how easy it is to look at that stuff. Even when you don't want to!

gilly that brought back a few stories I have heard over the years my DH was a plumber and it happens alot

Sorry to make light of a serious subject but have to share this memory with you all.

Many years ago when my son was still at home (I guess he was about 16/17) we were having a new bathroom installed and the plumber shouted down stairs for us to have a look at something. My husband and I ran up the stairs and my son popped his head around the bedroom door to see the plumber pulling a neat pile of porn magazines out from behind the sink pedestal.... "does anyone want to claim these?" asked the plumber, at which point my husband and son looked at each other and in unison declared "they must be his, 'cos they are not mine".

We never did find out but the plumber took them "to the tip with the old bathroom" ha ha

Pink sorry to be personal here, but I think it would depend on what your relationship is with each other. Maybe if you are having problems in that direction he feels the need to explore the internet.

I would bring it out into the open and see if you both need to work together to improve things.

Of course it would depend what level of porn he is accessing.

Annobel!

If he's not very computer-literate, you might put on the parental controls without his noticing!

Jingle that gave me a real belly laugh! That's a great attitude to have towards daft men sneaking onto porn websites. If he isn't doing it to the detriment of the rest of his life, I would just express disapproval, make some high-handed comment about women being objectified by men, and exploit the situation to your advantage pinkhater

Having worked with really deviant men, those who conceal their curiosity about porn don't bother me too much. It's not my cup of tea, but many men do like porn and don't equate it with their significant, intimate relationships.

Don't get it out of proportion, but don't make it easy for him to spend more time on there. He should be able to avoid it becoming a habit at his age.

pinkhater I don't know whether you are a prude or not but you are certainly entitled to your feelings. What has your husband said this time? It would be the sneakiness of it that upset me. Sorry not to be more help.

A lot of men do this and a lot of men top shelf magazines they always have. as long as its all adult hetero stuff its proably OK.