Denied Contact with Grandchildren - August 2012 onwards....

I am in tears for you all, and there is nothing I can say apart from offer my love. This really isn't a platitude - it's all I can do as I try to imagine your grief.

o gosh how I feel for you!! it is over 3 years for us now, and we never even met our youngest grand daughter.

When my husband went to see my daughter on her 30th birthday MY s i law made them talk outside in the car and he jumped up and down threatening to call the police!!

Why?/ a friend of ours feels that he is jealous of what we did for my daughter but he always came over as polite and pleasant.

We have to accept there is no more we can do, do you mind me asking did you get any contact from the court proceedings?

We sent of application for elave to apply then they sent all forms back as out of date and we did not have the go in us to do it again, still have mixed feelings about it.

Is very very hard isnt it?/ Now I feel our daughter is taunting us writing to her godmother my best friend as it has affected our relationship she has no kids of her own and I do not think she has a clue how devastating it is for us.

It is over three years since I saw my beautiful granddaughters, who incidentally I was seeing most days. My sil worked away from home so my daughter was so glad that I was around. I think that he was very jealous of my relationship with my daughter and my granddaughters. I always felt that he and I got on. Not so. When I moved (following my parents deaths), he told me that I wasnt wanted (over the phone not face to face). I was devastated as it was the first Xmas without Mum and the second without Dad. I was ostracized, I begged and grovelled to see them. His response was to come out of the house, push his face in mine, then frogmarch me down the street to my cottage and then he called the Police. I saw a terrifying different side to him that I had suspected all along. He is outwardly charming, but lacking in empathy, has a violent temper too. It was nearing Xmas, and he sent my daughter to my cottage with money to buy from me the presents that I had bought for her. As I was so vulnerable I agreed. I was ostracized until Xmas Day, though I was invited for the day, but was then ignored for the rest of the festivities. Now I am stronger, but as I say 3 years have gone by, as he did the same thing again- silent treatment, threats face to face, no arguments, just threats and calling me insane in my face. I have had to "walk away". I moved without telling them, as I had to escape such cruelty and intimidation. They have since moved away, but my grandchildren adored me, spending lots of happy times with me. This, is what I think, that he was jealous of. They had to be wrenched from me, on many an occasion, which would make me wonder what was going on in their house. I pray each day, that things will turn round, but it breaks my heart. My daughter when I arranged to meet her, looks withdrawn, nervously exhausted and not the vibrant person that she once was. If he has shoved me about, I wonder what he has done to her? In all he called the Police 3 times to me, the final occasion being because I had waved to the children and told them I loved them. Finally I have "let go", but still send birthday cards, and the odd text message, just to keep the door open. My daughter knows that I am here for her. Oh I forgot to say that I issued proceedings for the right to see them. I dont regret doing that, as it exposed him for being an utter liar and a very unpleasant man. I can look back and think that I tried everything, I also apologised both in writing and verbally, to no avail. This, I feel was bound to happen, for whatever reason he would stop me from seeing them. I believe him to be a bully and control freak, but accept that he is her husband and the father of my grandchildren.

I do feel that is right Mamaria good sign your daughter still seeing her aunt, my s i law cut everyone out of our daughers life,
It is me her mum who they have beenthe most abusive about and it is very very hard to deal with.
She is probably worried about your health but too stubborn to show it.

I doso hope this resolves itself, why oh why do these daughters do it?

Our s i law sees him family all the time and has to speak to his mum daily!!
surely one day she will miss us.

our only chink of light is that daughter has asked her god mother to write to her only last month and she has posting it tom so may be good sign??!!

very hard and I can only say stay strong and be patient.
my heart goes out to you

mamaria After reading your post I think that your DD will come round to wanting to be in touch with you the simple reason being that she still see's her aunt and will know that she will rely to you how she and the children are.So I think the door is still open for mending bridges if she wanted no contact at all she would not be seeing your sister,I hope so and that you can get your lives back on track.Have you tried to talk to her hubby and ask him to explain the problem and tell him how much you miss your DD and the children or does he leave it up to your daughter to make these decisions.? I do hope that you can resolve the problem soon,I have found out over the years DDs are very stubborn when it comes to rows with their mum's,mine was a little madam until a few years ago when she started to have problems with one of her own and understood where I was coming from and the heartbreak that these rows can cause.

thankyou all so much for the comments,support,advice and hugs,WHENIM the the last time i spoke to my daughter was 28th of may,i had txted her in the morning to say i was going shopping but that i would be round in the afternoon..as normal..but she rang me and out of the blue said she didnt want me to come round in the afternoons anymore,but wanted me to come round in the mornings when my grandson was at morning nursery,when i asked why, she started shouting at me telling me i was to soft with my grandson and that i wasnt shouting at him or even smacking him when he was being naughty, and that she didnt like how when she tells him off infront of me he would come and sit on my knee,me and my grandson have allways been very close and i really think she didnt like it.because i refused to do what she was asking she started calling me names and became very abusive,thats when i made the big mistake of telling her to not bother me again,weve had silly fallouts in the past thats never lasted more than a week.DORSETPENNT there is a third party..my sister has been going round to see her and telling her how heartbroken i am over all this but my sister says she adamant she doesnt want to make up with me although shes not giving her a good reason for it,she also asked her if i could at least see the children but she just says no !!!! she only lives 20 minutes away from me but my sister has now told me she is moving away,it seems very drastic,my mothers instinct is telling me im never going to see any of them again,im soo angry with my daughter for putting me through this after all the help and support ive given her,but at the same time time still love and miss her so need to know how do i get through this ?CRIMSON when my daughter was shouting at me over the phone i told her i didnt need this right now,id had a womb biopsy the day before...she never even asked me how i got on my sister has been visiting her every week but not once has she asked if im ok,so not only have i lost my daughter and grandchildren im also wondering if im dealing with cancer here. ANNEANDGRAHAM sounds like our son in laws are not so different,he has always been very controlling with my daughter but i never really interferred,i just tryed to get along with him just to keep the peace,but i do know that having me out of there lifes is something he has wanted for a long time now,so does make me wonder if hes behind this,but i guess ill never know,i only pray now when the children are old enough that they come and find me.

Mamaria I so feel for you. I have not seen my daughter since March 2009 and it hurts no less now than then. I have missed the birth of my second grand daughter, she did not even tell us an old friend of hers told me.

I cannot describe how devastating that was!

We have tried everything, it seems like my son in law is the ring leader but we got on with him we felt!!

We just had to re build our lives and hope and pray one day she will return to us.

My little first grand daughter is 4 now and not seen her since she was 9 months old, we have houseful of photos of that time but nothing since.

She kept in contact with her brother for short while but that stopped andhe is so angry with her for putting us through this he is not able to act as go between.
I do hope you have happier outcome 3 months seems like lifetime but is not very long and I pray you will not have to suffer like we have.

keep us posted and do not give up.
We still send presents to the little ones but we had to fight for permission to do this, the Solicitors letters we sent caused more harm than good, I would go to court but it would divide my husband and myself he is very anti that idea and the stress would probably finish us!!
best of luck and any helps we can be please ask. x

mamaria; I'm going into my third month of not seeing my daughter or grandchildren [I've also missed both birthdays]. The argument we had was a result of me being worried about my health [part of the worry being that it might result in my not being able to help her when needed] and I've realised that, as someone who very rarely loses their temper it's when I'm worried about a test or something that I lose the plot slightly. There seems to be a pattern emerging here in that families that argue a lot just put it behind them and move on quickly, but those of us that very rarely argue end up not speaking for months or even longer. I think it's because we tend to bottle up grievances and then they all come out in one go rather than releasing that anger in short bursts. All I can say is I know just how you feel and wish I could give you a hug. Keep talking; advice I can't give you because I'm in the same place as you but listen to what everyone on here says; it's the best support/help/advice that you'll get anywhere.

It's sad when something we say in a moment of anger turns around and bites us on bum. It's a good job my son and I don't do this. We often have rows, shouting and yelling and tears. One of us stomps off and thats the end of it. We never sulk about it - its the Irish in us I suppose - as my Mother used to say 'nothing like a good row to clear the air'. We all rowed in my family but adored one another and were fiercely loyal.
mamaria is there a neutral third party that can intercede on your behalf? Perhaps that person, yourself and your daughter could have a meeting to thrash this out. Perhaps your daughter has other issues that you aren't aware of, but you mustn't just leave it to fester and go for years.
Court must be the utter last resort as this would really make her angry.
I'm glad that courts are making the grandparents' role in divorced couples more seriously. My ex-husband's first wife used to use her two children as a 'weapon'. She would threaten my lovely mother-in-law that she'd never see her grandchildren if she saw her own son let alone me. My ex did ask his solicitor on his mother's behalf and was told that there was nothing that could be done.

Mamaria how sad for you! ((hugs)) All I can offer, but there are lots of people here who really understand what you are going through, and they will support you.

How recently has this happened mamaria? These thngs do tend to fizzle out when things calm down and it sounds like what you both said was in the heat of the moment. Have you had any little fall-outs before that have resolved in due course? I'm sure she will start to miss the love and support you gave her and the children. Don't give up trying. Court would be a last resort and there's lots you could try first.

THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST 3 MONTHS OF MY LIFE !!!! my daughter has stopped me from seeing my two grandchildren aged 3 and 4 because we have fallen out.she said some very hurtful things to me that out of anger i told her never to contact me again,that because i was being tested for ovarian cancer it was the last thing i needed...she knows i didnt mean it but she is sticking to what i said,i have pleaded with her to talk to me again,begged on bended knees and said sorry till im blue in the face but its falling on deaf ears,i love and miss her sooo much,i watched my grandchildren being born and spent nearly every day with them,in these past 3 months ive had to miss both there birthdays because she refused to allow me to bring them a presant...this feels like a bereavment !!! i carnt eat,sleep or stop crying,my friends and family have been telling me to go to court but i just dont no if its the right thing to do...im desperate to see my grandchildren but what if it makes it worse going down this route ,im living in hope that she will come round one day ,surley taking her court would just cause a war..i just dont no what to do for the best ,i really need advice and a shoulder to cry on

Here it is mamaria

glamma I hope no-one follows me for expert help, as I don't know very much other than to share what has happened with my family regarding courts, access and finding the odd tip that has worked for us.

Maniac you are one of the people I was thinking of when referring to grandparents who have been striving to get and keep access to their grandchildren. You're a great example of a gran who has never given up, in the best interests of her grandchild

Oh maniac how sad I do hope things turn out well for you in the future and you are reunited with your family,there is such a lot of support now the problem has been highlighted in forums such as this and the expertise of members such as when is invaluable to grandparents in giving them the right direction to go.

Copy of my posting on old thread.

'I have had many kind,positive and totally supportive postings on this thread from so many of you especially from Jane and whenim64.
Nothing is resolved but I continue to feel strengthened and uplifted by your friendship and support.
Thank you all.
{flowers]

Yes GParents can apply to court for contact -as Hon Michael Gove informed me in response to my MPs letter
What he didn't say is that it can cost thousands besides emotional stress and there is no guarantee of success if ex DIL is still uncooperative.

when The subject of Denied Contact is not something I have personal experience of, and so rarely commented on the other thread, but just wish to say here what a good thing it is that you have started this new one. It is so important to continue to maintain support, information and understanding of this painful issue.

overthetop; that's what happened to me, and I still can't believe it. It's something that happens to 'other people'.

Sorry to hear that overthetop. This seems to be such a common thing which people weren't talking about so publicly until this last year or two. It would be great if someone like the children's minister would come on here and talk to us. Or how about a family court judge?

it is very encouraging to see support for this sad turn of events, none of us know what may happen we went from happy family to no contact more of less overnight

Grandparents have no legal rights of access to their grandchildren but some do go to court about contact or care orders when neither parent can look after their children, they may have been in temporary care or removed from a parent for reason of abuse or neglect.

Courts are starting to encourage contact with grandchildren from the perspective of the rights of children to see their family when there has been a separation or withdrawal of contact, but it is never about the needs of the grandparents.

I thought that GParents can go to court to obtain contact with GCs. I don't know but I have a recollection of friends going to court for access as their son was in the merchant navy. And this was ar least twenty years ago.

Obviously everyone wishes for the best solution to come out of thin air/parents best wishes for the children. But it would be interesting to know the facts and other GNs experiences. Thank you for starting the thread. Thinking of your problems specki and sending the very best wishes and looking forward to when we meet up.

specki fingers crossed it doesn't happen

This may well happen in my family in the future so I warmly support you when. So gratified to hear that grandparents are being listened to and that is thanks to initiatives like this one.