Denied Contact with Grandchildren - August 2012 onwards....

mamaria After reading your post I think that your DD will come round to wanting to be in touch with you the simple reason being that she still see's her aunt and will know that she will rely to you how she and the children are.So I think the door is still open for mending bridges if she wanted no contact at all she would not be seeing your sister,I hope so and that you can get your lives back on track.Have you tried to talk to her hubby and ask him to explain the problem and tell him how much you miss your DD and the children or does he leave it up to your daughter to make these decisions.? I do hope that you can resolve the problem soon,I have found out over the years DDs are very stubborn when it comes to rows with their mum's,mine was a little madam until a few years ago when she started to have problems with one of her own and understood where I was coming from and the heartbreak that these rows can cause.

I do feel that is right Mamaria good sign your daughter still seeing her aunt, my s i law cut everyone out of our daughers life,
It is me her mum who they have beenthe most abusive about and it is very very hard to deal with.
She is probably worried about your health but too stubborn to show it.

I doso hope this resolves itself, why oh why do these daughters do it?

Our s i law sees him family all the time and has to speak to his mum daily!!
surely one day she will miss us.

our only chink of light is that daughter has asked her god mother to write to her only last month and she has posting it tom so may be good sign??!!

very hard and I can only say stay strong and be patient.
my heart goes out to you

It is over three years since I saw my beautiful granddaughters, who incidentally I was seeing most days. My sil worked away from home so my daughter was so glad that I was around. I think that he was very jealous of my relationship with my daughter and my granddaughters. I always felt that he and I got on. Not so. When I moved (following my parents deaths), he told me that I wasnt wanted (over the phone not face to face). I was devastated as it was the first Xmas without Mum and the second without Dad. I was ostracized, I begged and grovelled to see them. His response was to come out of the house, push his face in mine, then frogmarch me down the street to my cottage and then he called the Police. I saw a terrifying different side to him that I had suspected all along. He is outwardly charming, but lacking in empathy, has a violent temper too. It was nearing Xmas, and he sent my daughter to my cottage with money to buy from me the presents that I had bought for her. As I was so vulnerable I agreed. I was ostracized until Xmas Day, though I was invited for the day, but was then ignored for the rest of the festivities. Now I am stronger, but as I say 3 years have gone by, as he did the same thing again- silent treatment, threats face to face, no arguments, just threats and calling me insane in my face. I have had to "walk away". I moved without telling them, as I had to escape such cruelty and intimidation. They have since moved away, but my grandchildren adored me, spending lots of happy times with me. This, is what I think, that he was jealous of. They had to be wrenched from me, on many an occasion, which would make me wonder what was going on in their house. I pray each day, that things will turn round, but it breaks my heart. My daughter when I arranged to meet her, looks withdrawn, nervously exhausted and not the vibrant person that she once was. If he has shoved me about, I wonder what he has done to her? In all he called the Police 3 times to me, the final occasion being because I had waved to the children and told them I loved them. Finally I have "let go", but still send birthday cards, and the odd text message, just to keep the door open. My daughter knows that I am here for her. Oh I forgot to say that I issued proceedings for the right to see them. I dont regret doing that, as it exposed him for being an utter liar and a very unpleasant man. I can look back and think that I tried everything, I also apologised both in writing and verbally, to no avail. This, I feel was bound to happen, for whatever reason he would stop me from seeing them. I believe him to be a bully and control freak, but accept that he is her husband and the father of my grandchildren.

o gosh how I feel for you!! it is over 3 years for us now, and we never even met our youngest grand daughter.

When my husband went to see my daughter on her 30th birthday MY s i law made them talk outside in the car and he jumped up and down threatening to call the police!!

Why?/ a friend of ours feels that he is jealous of what we did for my daughter but he always came over as polite and pleasant.

We have to accept there is no more we can do, do you mind me asking did you get any contact from the court proceedings?

We sent of application for elave to apply then they sent all forms back as out of date and we did not have the go in us to do it again, still have mixed feelings about it.

Is very very hard isnt it?/ Now I feel our daughter is taunting us writing to her godmother my best friend as it has affected our relationship she has no kids of her own and I do not think she has a clue how devastating it is for us.

I am in tears for you all, and there is nothing I can say apart from offer my love. This really isn't a platitude - it's all I can do as I try to imagine your grief.

Anne and Graham. During the Court proceedings my sil sat and lied about me, saying that I had mental health problems and his opinion (sil) unless I saw a Psychiatrist I would never see my granddaughters again. Both the Magistrate and
the man from Social Services looked horrified at this, as was I. I have a good career and am certainly not insane. My sil had also managed to get an appointment at my Surgery (not his) trying to convince my GP also. She phoned me to ask what was going on, she knew that something was not right with this. She felt that it was preconceived on his part, and utter nonsense. In Court I agreed to see a Psychiatrist as I felt that I was being blackmailed, and I would do anything to see my grandchildren. I was advised not to go ahead with this, as my sil could then say that I had had to see a Psychiatrist, and so could build a case against me. So, I therefore, changed my mind later, after the Hearing, and have just walked away from it all. I was also reported to the R.S.P.C.A, again false accusations, and I assume he had done that too. I think that sil is a sociopath, full of lies, deceit etc. charming, plausible, fraudulent. I have kept silent over the years, but seeing her health deteriorate. I cant do any more, I have tried everything, apologising for calling him a bully (which he is), no arguments, just his face in mine and walking towards me in a threatening manner and calling me insane. Fortunately I could keep calm, turn my back and walk away. When will it end? The worst part for me is this feeling of being in limbo. Love to you all who are going through this cruel behaviour.

suebeck that is heartbreaking.
I don't know what to say or how you all bear this

Ella 46 Yes it is absolutely heartbreaking. I live on my own (apart from my beautiful Golden Retriever), so at times my mind goes round and round with this. Fortunately I have really good friends who have listened to me and supported me. The last words from one of my grandchildren were "mama mama please dont go I will never see you again". She was six at the time. Later in the schoolyard she said " I love you so much Mama, but I am not allowed to speak to you any more"! Horrendous. I found the articles by Dr Joe Carver Psychiatrist very helpful, particularly "Dating a Loser" Love and the Stockholm Syndrome", as my beautiful daughter has been abusive to me. Dr Carver explained why. She was once my greatest friend, a kind, loving daughter. Also Tears and Healing is another good book. I believe that knowledge is power. Without my friends and my dog, I think that I would have had a nervous breakdown, but I wont let him beat me down.

susiebeck, I have no words for your predicament, just ((((hugs)))), x x.

Suebeck so sorry to hear of all your troubles , try to be strong .

suebeck my heart goes out to you ((hugs)) I just don't understand why men feel the need to control as they do,is there no chance you can get in touch with your SILs parents and explain the situation are they aware how their son is behaving ?

it seems to be a very common thing from what I gather if you go to court to try and get contact order to see you grand children then the son/daughter or inlaws will try to indicate you are mentally unstable.

My daughter I am ashamed to say said they would insist I saw a physciatrist which I would have not problem with as it would make her look a fool apparently my solicitor said I would have to pay for it!

We have not got to that stage but so feel for you Suebeck that is was so unpleasant for you.

we can only live from day to day and focus on the positives in our lives
big hugs xxx

You may remember my posting in June re Olympic tickets for my son/grandson which were spurned/rejected by ex DIL and partner.
My son gave one set to my DD/GD in Cheshire daughter.They had a 'fab' weekend in London.Saw Volleyball and (a bonus)men's cycling road race. My son took a friend's son (his dad was working as a volunteer)to Trampolining.The last pair he offered free on FB. One of his choir friends suggested a mum/son she knew would benefit.
Last night My son showed me with some emotion 2 lovely postcards passed on to him from the mother and son.They both had a most wonderful time at the Olympic Stadium ,stayed overnight with family in London and had an experience they could not have considered or afforded.
I'm glad that so much pleasure has come from what was a sad and frustrating situation.My son feels the same.
P.S. His new job is going well .

That's wonderful to hear Maniac, something good has come from something sad.
Glad to hear about his job too.

we have the sadness of knowing our little grand daughter starts school next week and not seen her since she was 9 months old, she was 4 in June.

We have today bought her a little good luck card and a few pencils and fun bits to send to her.

it is really tearing me apart but there is nothing more I can do.

My heart goes out to you all.
In 1999 my ex-DIL denied our son acess to their three daughters because she did not like his then girlfriend.This meant we did not see the children either and it broke my heart.
After two years of going back and forward to solicitors and finally a court hearing, he got acess again.The girls are now aged 20,18 and 16.The younger one lives with us(and her father, his second wife and their two children).
It was her choice following a differance of opinion with her mother.The two eldest visit regularly.
I hope all who cannot see their grandchildren soon get to see them again.It is heartbreaking.

One sometimes feels despair at the human race reading this thread. the only hope is the generation of deprived GCs will nurture their children's great grandparents and perhaps some healing will take place.

Whatever happened to the tradition that young adults showed respect for their parents and passed this on to their children in turn? My grandparents did very little for us and absolutely nothing with us but I loved them and have always valued the part they played in my life. They lived about 90 miles away from us, so we dutifully and happily piled in the car every couple of months to visit them. When they visited us, we gave up our bedrooms to accommodate them and treated them with respect and reverence. I don't understand why things have changed so very much.

my heart bleeds for you Mamaria, what torture to have them so near and yet locked away from you. I am in the same position [my thread 'greedy children want our house] with them just round the corner. I have written to my DIL reminding her of her promise never to keep the boys away from me, will deliver it to her place of work. I have little hope though at least I will have tried every avenue. Your SIL sounds like my son, a control freak, and the family are terrified of him.All this worry is so bad for you in your state of health - it sounds as though like me you put all your eggs in one basket and now feel left with nothing, so, so sad. If your D works, or goes to playgroup or anywhere public, could you arrange to waylay her there & shame her into speaking? I lie awake at night trying to get around this horrible situation and if I come up with anything you'll be the first to know - that applies to you all on Gransnet - we must support one another....since I found this site I don't feel so alone.

Suebeck I have only just read your terrible story and it brings it home how powerful these abusive men are, as you say, charming and charismatic publicly and controlling bullies at home. Something must be done, but what? Yes, Stockhome Syndrom, my DIL and boys adore and are frightened in equal measure of my son. Everything he does is put down to 'Daddie's illness' [MS] but as his mother I have known how manipulative he is from the age of 13.
I know we have to walk away & make some sort of a life for ourselves without the GC - our mistake was to give them everything, putting them first, and now left with this huge hole. Thank God you have good friends and your lovely dog to comfort you - and you have all of us too.
where can I find these articles by Joe Carver?

Ignore last line of previous message - I googled it.WOW does my son fit the profile of the abuser/loser!!!! I now see that writing to the DIL in the way I have would do no good, so won't post it.....maybe just a line or two giving news of family - no, too much jealousy there - wishing luck to grandson on starting new school? No, as they may have to take him away and told him its all our fault.....oh dear, back to the drawing board.

Today is my birthday and I received an unexpected gift; a photocard from my three lovely grandchildren - the youngest is five years old and I've never seen her - I'm so delighted and surprised!

Oh Grannyactivist , perhaps things are on the mend .

Great news ga. I'm delighted for you

Good luck jintzy. I hope things work out for you

ga how nice [smile*