Friends that depress you!

Well, if that is the definition I have certainly been bullied! However, I don't feel like a victim and I am not asking for sympathy. I choose to take part in controversial discussions, so I expect others to disagree with me. If several disagree, I don't assume they are in cahoots, or in some sort of clique. It just means that several people disagree with me - and it will usually be the same few people on certain threads, such as religion, which is to be expected. If several people agree with me, and say so, does that automatically mean we are bullying somebody?
I think we have some very sensitive members but it would be a shame if some of our most interesting debates had to be curtailed because somebody felt unhappy every time a few people disagreed with them.
I am told I am 'a strong personality' and 'very self confident' - oddly enough I have never considered those traits to be failings -in fact, if I had not been strong during these past twelve months I would probably have had a complete breakdown.
Where I do not feel confident, as on threads on sport, gardening, cooking, or art, I do not post.

If you disagree with someone, you are bullying them. If you ignore someone, you are bullying them. Other than agreeing with everything everybody says, how can we avoid the charge of bullying?

I have witnessed bullying on another site, which I decided to leave when posters were open about ignoring a member, and insulting about members from another site. If they had just engaged in challenging discussion and been clear that they disagreed I would have had some respect for them. I left and told the managers of the site why I wanted no part in such a culture of bullying.

I like Gransnet because we can have rigorous discussions and agree on some things, but not others. If one person makes a statement someone else doesn't like, they can say so. It's not personal and we have a code of conduct. We don't have to contribute to threads we aren't interested in, or don't enjoy. I have a day or two off when I feel it's getting too heated. I'm here for entertainment and chat, and I learn lots of new things all the time.

I'm off out for the evening, to meet friends for a Thai meal. See you all tomorrow

[green]

not with it tonight. Early bed I think!

Who are what are you envying, jeni?

Thai meal, I'm guessing?

That makes sense!

one of my sisters is like this and sometimes I dread her visiting as it just puts me 'on a downer' even if I am happy when she arrives. Its the constant moaning about how bad her life is, how ill she is (shes not its more mental health than physical) how terrible her kids are and all the bad things they get up to - and then when u visit her u find out the majority of it is grossly exagerated for attention - Im sure she goes for dramatic effect.
I have now limited contact with her and see her just about once a month as to be honest I am a kind and supportive person but cant cope with all the lies and drama as I have lots of problems of my own. But Im always there for her in a genuine crisis eg when her car broke down, which is the best I can do really. I need positive people in my life now so this is my way of dealing with it, harsh as it may seem. If its dragging you down OP I would stand back a bit and limit contact Good luck and all the best with it x

gillybob Have arrived a bit late here, but just wanted to send a ((hug))

gillybob I just wanted to say don't be afraid to see your doctor. I went a few years back when my 'coping mechanism' seemed to be breaking down (and my pressures were a lot less than yours by the sound of it) and burst into tears at his first word of sympathy. He handed me tissues and a prescription for a low dose of HRT which I can stay on forever if necessary. The difference was amazing!

Thank you, Carol - I can't say my friend is dragging me down because I haven't seen her for two years,but I do find it hard to reply to some of her more miserable comments. When I told her how thrilled I was that my grandson was going to train as a navy diver, her only comment was 'You must be very worried, it is so dangerous'. Now I am reluctant to open her e-mails. I have worked hard on keeping myself cheerful since my daughter turned on me, and I don't need anyone raining on my parade.
Perhaps I was foolish to let her know I was going to be doing a house-swap to a gite within easy travelling distance of her house, as she immediately suggested she comes and stays with me there, and goes to Barcelona with me. The problem is that I do really like her and I know she is a very kind person - I just wish she would not be so gloomy!.

I normally really enjoy socialising with my friends and Juragran and I have had some lovely short breaks together, and a wonderful holiday in Sharm this summer. The big difference is that Jura is always so positive and cheerful, it is a joy to be with her. (She did let me rabbit on and on about my own family problems, so perhaps I might be described as her depressing friend!)

Aha - il y a toujours un qui baise, et l'autre qui tend la joue...

Exactement!

Ou bien "un qui raconte et 'l'autre qui tend l'oreille"
That's what friends are for!

I do agree with you, Gracesmum, but just as the moment I don't feel up to listening to a long catalogue of woe - sometimes I find myself sliding towards the edge of the big, black pit and I don't want anything that might push me over. When my own life was comparatively problem free, I was happy to listen to her problems, real or imaginary. No doubt I will listen sympathetically to her moaning, as I always have, but it will be tempting to say 'You think you've got problems......'

Very valid point - that's why however good friends can be at listening, they are not counsellors or therapists and even trained "listeners" - I used to be a Samaritan so I have been there - are affected by what they have to hear.

Hello Greatnan, I've just read all the comments made, after reading your original problem. You sound like a kind, thoughtful person to me, & I particularly empathise with you over the mention of troubles with your daughter. I have nothing to add for the gloomy friend predicament, you just can't help some people, I'm afraid, & everybody has made some great replies, 'merlotgran' in particular had me crying with laughter!
This tues. just gone my daughter,39, resigned from my life & as my official carer, employed by means of a grant I receive for my personal care.

The reason? I lovingly criticised her for being unable to forgive others & holds grudges & thoughts of revenge too. I offered to still pay her even if she no longer comes to me, & she's taking it, but has barred me from seeing my grandaughter, 14, who I love so much; it's nearly killing me. She hasn't spoken to her elder brother for 16 years, once attacked his wife physically, in public - I witnessed it. The other side to her - she's wonderful; I broke my spine 9 tears ago, & whilst in hospital for 4 months, my husband died from lung cancer. Since then, she has willingly devoted herself to my care. As long as I NEVER dis-agreed with her. I won't continue with the tale, it's not fair to expect to have to read miles of words on a forum. But i am interested in any comments!

I meant 'years' not tears - but those too!

joyful What a delightful name. My goodness what a hard and unhappy situation. There are some other threads on Gransnet – Denied Contact may well be one of them – that you might like to look at. I haven't heard your name before, so I assume that you are new to GN. Welcome and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Welcome, Jenn. Yes, there are many of us who have been cut off by our children through no fault of our own. In my case, it is because of my daughter's paranoid delusions which may be the result of long term codeine and paracetamol abuse. Of her four children, all adults now, only the eldest daughter stays in touch with me. The other three have to live with her and I think they are afraid of upsetting her. The second son has just been accepted by the Royal Navy and I am hopeful that once he gets away from home he will contact me.
I live with the constant fear that her next packet of 16 Neurofen Plus will be fatal - the damage is cumulative and she is risking respiratory failure, heart attack and renal failure. There is nothing anybody can do to stop her, as she does not want to give up the drug and face the reality of her life.

My normal personality is that of the dreaded Pollyanna and after several months of not sleeping and obsessing about her, I have now managed to get on with my life, which is, in all other ways, idyllic, as I live in a very beautiful part of the French Alps. Fortunately, I have another daughter and another eight grandchidren who are all very supportive but they live either in England or New Zealand, so I do not see them very often.

You can see why I am not keen on spending time with somebody who will want to dwell on the worst case scenario.

If you want to talk more about your own problems, you will always find sympathetic ears here, and if you would like to talk more privately I would be glad to receive a pm (private message) from you.

Greatnan it is not like that at all, none of us agree all the time we all have different opinions, what whenim described is what happened on the site we were both on and it was awful.

There are 3 ring leaders who want to run the whole show and be very unkind and nasty to anyone whose face does not fit, it is not a very well run site unfortunately.

However there are some very nice people on it also so is a mixture!!!

It is not a question of ignoring a thread as Whenim said it is deliberately ignoring anything posted by someone as a bullying tactic to force them off.

hope that makes it clearer!!!

sometimes I know I lean on my friends a lot given what has happened in my life, but is important to be with people who care about you and in my case knew my daughter and are as bewildered as we are about what happened.
Good to try and be positive also, and think as you get older well in my case I try to listen more and be a friend for other peoples problems too, as we all have them though it usually seems like our own are worst!!

joyfuljenn - You name says a lot about you, and belies the terrible difficulties you have experienced. Write as much as you like; those that wish to read will not be concerned about the length of your posts. It good to know you are able to express yourself here.

Joyful jean wellcome from another jen(I)!

Yes, Anne (I presume it is the Anne part of the member who is posting!) Juragran and I met on an expat forum where that kind of organised bullying went on and we both left. There was a concerted effort to oust me from a different forum because I cautioned against the daily use of sleeping pills. I should have known what to expect when you challenge any kind of addiction.
However, it is possible to overlook somebody's post, or feel you have nothing to say in response to it, and not be deliberately ignoring them. I have posted quite a few things which have not prompted any replies - I simply assumed they had not interested anybody. Perhaps I am not as sensitive as some people, but I do feel that if you are looking for insults you will find them.

Disagreeing with somebody's opinions and stating your reasons is not bullying, even if several people say they agree with you. It is just the nature of debate. I have had periods on this forum where every single post I made met with a negative response or comment, from the same three people. I did not conclude they were in some unholy alliance against me - just that all three did not like my opinions. I could live with that - and eventually they gave up because I tried not to respond in a personal way. I had hoped we had put all that behind us, but one member seems determined to constantly hark bark to that unhappy time. I will be ignoring her posts, because I think they are deleterious to the forum. Is that bullying her?