Ex husbands

Maniac; I think, with my ex, although he left me I did rather give him the rope to hang himself with. There was a lot of bitterness at first but we were all there for him when the relationship ended. He's now with someone else and seems to be somewhat 'under the thumb', so we see very little of him. Everyone we knew was shell shocked when we split; amongst our friends we were always the ones who were meant to be together [even when we were both going out with other people his friends always assumed that he would be with me one day;we lived hundreds of miles away from each other at the time, as well]. But no one can see inside another person's marriage, and those in it can't see the wood for the trees either. It was lovely to met you, too, by the way .

Has any GN dealt with the emotional impact of terminal illness and death of an ex-husband.
I divorced in 1984 - and have kept a civilised,reasonably amicable relationship
In care homes for last 5 years- visited him occasionally-his affairs dealt with by our son and daughters.After being in hospital for 7 weeks he is now in a nursing home near DD's home in Macclesfield.
Visited last weekend - came home in a whirl of emotions
Any helpful thoughts?

Oh, maniac, how difficult. Lots of different feelings whirling round, I imagine. Shared years, memories, children, the impact on your children and grandchildren. Presumably lots of nasty memories too.

No advice but a (((hug))) - someone with some experience will be along soon.

When you've had a child with someone you are still tied to that person in some way. What's happening is going to trigger so many emotions, especially the love you once felt for that person, and also memories [good and bad]of things perhaps long since forgotten. You're on an emotional rollercoaster. But we'll share the journey with you.Love and hugs.

My ex walked out in 1988 to be with the love of his life. We were married 14 years. She saw £££ signs in his eyes, he was a gullible fool. He denied adultery, said I was the one with a relationship which was totally untrue. We divorced very quickly, he married within 3 months and it has been "marry in haste, repent at leisure". She saved every penny that he earned and gave him pocket money. There is quite an age and IQ difference and he noticed it only when they bought their flat. A bit late.

He kept in touch with me and wanted to visit when work brought him close to where I live now but I could not cope emotionally. He wanted everything, her and me well, he made his bed etc.

He and the love of his life retired to Spain 6 years ago and within a week he was diagnosed with cancer. He has had a lot of "bits" removed or chopped and lives the life of a zombie. Tubes dominate his life. I will be sad when he dies but it was his decision. I never remarried.

My Ex died about three years after I had left him due to his alcohol abuse and we had been divorced just about a year. He was found dead in his flat and had lain there about five days. The whole thing was very traumatic as police etc were involved and I was the person who could answer their long list of questions. I had two adult children who were both at stages in their lives where they had enough on their plates without needing all the sorting out which had to be done so I did it - arranging the funeral etc and also going through all the paperwork. I was the only one who knew there should be an insurance policy - I had paid the premiums - so got that sorted also. My SIL was a tower of strength to me, came to see the coroner and other things and would not let me go to the flat until he had sorted it out a bit and given it some semblance of order - even though he and DD are now divorced we remain close.
Throughout the time we had been separated/divorced I had assisted him with various things and he had spent Christmas Day with us also. I found that hard but my DD could not leave him alone so I just put up with it.
All this was twenty years ago and from time to time DD has to have a long conversation about all the events from their teenage years etc - many of which I have forgotten till she reminds me, whereas DS cannot bear to speak about any of it and we rarely mention his father.
I had a very good relationship with my SiL and she never really came to terms with events and I have not seen her for twenty years - we were much more like sisters really and I always feel that it is a great shame we lost that but I think the fact I eventually remarried - a few years after his death - did not help.

We are all so different with the relationship we had and the whys and wherefores of the breakups so it so difficult to suggest anything to help - just before the funeral when I went to see the Rector - who I knew well- he said to me ' do not worry how you are on the day - if you want to cry do so and if not that is fine too - only you know how you truly feel'

Maniac difficult few weeks ahead. - all you can do is to go with how you now feel - we get upset when a friend is at the end of their life let along the father of our children.

Having read each one of these posts I can only reflect on the sadness that we subject ourselves to. I wonder why we allow relationships to reach that stage, a rhetorical question really but sad nonetheless.

I think that, when relationships start to deteriorate we just get used to them bit by bit and don't notice how bad things are until something cracks in some way .

Maniac - I can understand a bit how you feel - my ex and I split up over 30 years ago. He was manic-depressive and alcoholic, violent and a womaniser.
I stuck it for 14 years.
But he tried to be a better person, and has managed at last to be a good father to our 3 children. And now is very ill, probably partly due to all the lithium he's taken. (Also old age)
So now I feel some fondness for him again, after all we made 3 children, so must have seen something in eachother.
Both of us are more or less happily re-married.

Been expecting this phone call since Nov .On Thur early morning DD rang to tell her Dad (my ex) had died.
I feel sad but relieved that his pain and discomfort are over.-and gratitude for
my 3 lovely children and all the happy memories we share.
So glad I have some recordings of his wonderful singing voice and all the music we shared.

Maniac for you, even though he was your ex husband this is avery sad time for you. I'm glad you have happy memories as well.

Because we share 4 children and have lots of GCs' birthdays etc we do end up in the same location. We say hi politely (I remarried - he is still on his own -no surprise there) He still irritates me when he shouts above every one. I look at him and cannot believe we made 4 beautiful children. My girls have said that they can see why it didn't last. I suppose we are quite amicable. When my DH was so ill a couple of years ago he did ring me to see how he was.

We had a short marriage, long enough to have two children together and that was it - he left and insisted on the divorce, I think technically I did the divorcing but it's so long ago I can't recall. While he continued to pay maintenance and I had responsibility for the children our relationship was horrible, we didn't argue but we barely spoke and the atmosphere was awful. Now, 31 years later I think I probably owe him some sort of apology for my part in our divorce, it wasn't all him. Perhaps time and maturity has shown me things aren't always one-sided. Sadly, we don't seem to have happy family gatherings such as weddings or baptisms so I never have the opportunity to speak to him although he lives nearby. We share a grandchild so maybe we might be in the same room again one day and I might get to say my piece. He isn't the ogre that I thought he was and he deserves to know that.

mollie, I think it's brave of you to say that. At that time of my divorce I blamed my ex entirely for the breakdown of our marriage - after all, he'd left me for another woman and our daughter was only two years old.

It wasn't until many years later that I admitted to myself that perhaps our marriage hadn't been that wonderful for him either, and I must have been partly to blame. We are now on cordial terms, both in happy enough second relationships and both enjoying being grandparents.

It's strange to see this old thread revived – I didn't even remember starting it. We are now living in the same small town in New Zealand as my ex who pops in for coffee, home-made biscuits and a chat two or three times a week. Recently, as a result of cash flow problems, we have been living a bit hand to mouth and he has been generous with some help. (We shall, of course, reciprocate.) He has also introduced me to a series of books that he thought I would like and pedals over to our house on his bike with the next one when I have finished the last. We make a strange trio but somehow it works, to my very considerable relief. The grandchildren actually see more of him now that I am here than they did before as they congregate regularly at my house.

I think that's really good absent, I'd be more than happy to have a civil relationship with my no 1 ex,(despite everything), but he's too bitter about the fact that I dared to leave him.

Ana,I blamed him for everything and let myself think I was the poor victim. Years later I realised, shame-faced, that I play a large part and it wasn't all his fault but I'd been conditioned by my upbringing to blame. My parents had a stormy marriage and it was a constant thread that my mum considered herself to be a saint and he the cause of all her problems.

I love that Absent has a nice, relaxed relationship with her ex. It's really how it ought to be but so many of us continue to feud long after it's necessary. The first time I heard anyone being sociable with an ex (three ex's actually, all gathered with new partners and various combinations of children at her home for Christmas!!) I was stunned and couldn't understand it. I don't think it would happen to me and mine but I'd like to think we could be civil now.

I am in the middle of separating from my husband and just written on the thread 'Am I being unreasonable' I have just written a blog about how I feel about it all and would love to hear your views. As I was reading your insert Greatnan I was likening aspects of it to my own situation especially the bit about him blaming my daughter for it all. Not prepared in any shape or form to accept responsibility

rants-aginggoddess.blogspot.co.uk/?spref=fb

We've been divorced for many years but maintained reasonable terms for the family's sake. Now, sadly, he has terminal cancer and I am going on all his hospital appointments etc. with him. I just can't NOT, somehow.
It's all very sad, but I am glad we are friends.

Just as it's important to recognise ones own fault in the break up of a marriage, it's easy to forget years later the faults of the ex and equally important not to forget that. I was very close again to my ex at one time and had to pull myself up sharply and realise that we were still both the same people that had been in a marriage that wasn't working and wouldn't work again if the attempt was made.

I told ex husband and his wife they were welcome to stay at my house next time they visit our youngest daughter. Normally they stay at a motel but as I live next door to our daughter and have the room I made the offer. Ex recently phoned and asked if they could stay over Easter.

I know many people think it odd, we have always gotten on well and have spent many Christmas Day lunches, family events etc together. I was also invited to my ex's 60th birthday party, which was nice as it was also middle GD's first birthday. I think our relationship is more like brother and sister.

Now if it was my ex partner, I wouldn't give him a crumb if he was starving and begging on the street.

I divorced ex after 9 years of severe domestic violence.he has since gone through two more live in wife /partner which also ended due to DV - he has been tagged . he never gave me any money, either when married or afterwards,and I admit it pees me off that my kids still see him, and he pretends when we meet that nothing happened

However to refuse to go to family events due to this , would be putting my feelings before that of my children, and cutting of my own nose, so I grin and bear it, even though i shake inside, and refuse to let him still rule my movements.

Having recently divorced a violent man who threatened to kill me and going to testify against him in court very soon I hope when that is over I never have to see him again EVER! My children also feel the same. My biggest regret is I didn,t file for divorce much sooner. The only positive thing to come out of my marriage were my lovely children.

You are quite right of course Tegan and that makes for the bigger struggle as to whether to stay or go.
I blame myself constantly for the problems and feel terribly guilty for leaving but also know that I cannot go on in the daily struggle of coping about his attitude towards my daughter and family. His resistance to change and his moving into a stubborn, grumpy old man , especially one who cannot make concessions for me.
At new year when it all came to a head he said to my son in law, I do not want to be anywhere 'she' is and he was referring to my daughter.
I have asked him what she has done that is so terrible and he says 'I just don't like her.'
I don't like his family much but would never have behaved so badly.
Things have gone down hill since my daughter had children and I know from his previous marriage he had problems with his late wife's attachment to her grandchildren. He wanted her to himself it seems.
Believe me I have broken my heart about doing this but know that the fear of being alone in old age is more acceptable than staying with a man who does not love me.

TwiceAsNice Good luck, I can imagine that your stomach is in knots.