Ex husbands

We haven't met for about 15 years and my daughters haven't told him they have moved house. He wasn't invited to any of the three weddings or the recent grandson's wedding. His third wife has six children and numerous gc and he has taken them on instead of his own gc. His choice - he did not buy so much as a rattle for any of the first six gc so he doesn't know about the next four or the four great-gc. He was very bitter at my leaving him, even though he remarried within a year, and then again very quickly after she died. He blamed our eldest daughter for causing the divorce which was absolute rubbish, although she was very supportive of me.
The only time he contacted her was when his company sent him a course quite close to her house, and he invited himself to have free food and accommodation, even though he was on expenses. He didn't bring flowers, chocolates or a bottle of wine and boasted about how much he would make on the deal.
I have no idea if he is alive or dead - he is only 76 but very overweight and a heavy drinker. I wish my girls had had a loving, attentive father, but he was just too selfish. I think he would have been better with boys - he used to take my sister's boys fishing and bird-watching. Now, his daughters say they can't remember his doing anything with them when they were young - I was the one who took them skating,swimming, to guides, riding club, etc.

I come into contact with my ex-husband at weddings, funerals and various birthday parties. That's more than I can tolerate, really. We don't argue. I treat him with indifference unless he sets out to give me grief, usually in the form of him neglecting to support our children or grandchildren. He's mean with time, compassion and money. However, we keep it civilised.

He did contact me last year, when our eldest son was having a horrible time with ex-DIL denying access to his son, and his business was going rapidly downhill. As ex is a chartered accountant, I had asked him to assist our son. He was no help at all, attempted to lecture him. We worked things out without him. However, he perceived my request for assistance as a sign that I wanted to be friendly (I invited him and son to my house and fed him whilst we talked). I told him that, when I hear that he is behaving more like a supportive father, he will notice that I am being more friendly. I put the phone down on him then. Last time I saw him, he looked sheepish and made no attempt to speak to me. He hasn't changed.

Gosh, it's hard.

I wonder how many grannies divorced their husbands, rather than were divorced by their husbands. I could make an educated guess about the proportions.

My ex and I have a reasonably amicable relationship now, although there were a few very bitter years after he left me for a younger woman who eventually dumped him! I only see him at family get-togethers such as the GDs' birthday and rarely have any cause to contact him.
He gave up the job he had when he thought he might have to pay maintenance, and hasn't worked since - that was about 30 years ago - and now he lives on his pension in a council flat. I don't think his life has turned out how he expected it to - the grass wasn't greener after all...

My ex is thoroughly decent and still helps me out financially. I feel that I only understood our relationship after our marriage ended and only then did I see his good points. I had the chance to go back to him a few years ago but realised that the problems that ended our marriage were still there, so there was no point. We produced two amazing children so there was a reason why we met and fell in love all those years ago, but we're different people now and have partners that fit in with the lifestyles we want, rather than trying to shape each other into the partners that we would have liked to have. I think we still love each other and always will do.

I had hardly any contact with my ex after our divorce, just a wedding and a couple of funerals, he had very scant contact with 2 of our children and none with the other, his drinking drove them all away. Our grandchildren didn't know him as he chose to move away with his second wife and they saw him a couple of times in 10yrs . After his third wife divorced him he went downhill from there and died earlier this year living alone in his council flat with his cat. I didn't hate him but couldn't forgive him for all he put our children through .

Technically, my husband divorced me. I had wanted to separate, much against his wishes, but once he realised I was determined to end the marriage, he wanted to find another wife as quickly as possible. Some friends of ours had a neighbour who had been widowed a few years before. They decided they wanted to be married, so I furnished my husband with grounds to divorce me. It seemed only fair, as I had instigated the separation and it made no difference to our financial settlement. As I was earning as much as he was, we just split the proceeds of the matrimonial home 50/50 and I used my half to buy a small detached house for myself and our two daughters. I asked for no maintenance, and he just gave the girls a small monthly allowance until they left school. Later, when I was working abroad, I sold the house and gave the girls half each for deposits on their own houses. I paid for all their furniture and household appliances, paid for driving lessons and bought them a car, which I taxed and insured. I suppose I felt some guilt for breaking up the home, although they quite understood why I needed to be free from him. He has done nothing for them since they turned 16.
I was glad in a way, as it made me feel that I had been right to leave him.

My ex, who is also absentdaughter's father, had little or no interest in her as a baby, child, teenager or wife and mother. (I divorced him when she was ten.) However, he did go to New Zealand for her wedding and was surprised to discover a) what a fine adult she has turned into, b) grandchildren are really quite nice and c) New Zealand is a beautiful place.

I didn't go to her wedding because I actually couldn't face having to be with him day in day out for the duration of my visit. I tried and tried to gear myself up to go but every time I thought about it, I felt sick and shook. This was not because he was in any way aggressive – far from it. He was pretty much indifferent to me and certainly had no interest in my needs and concerns when we were married or afterwards when I was trying to cope with absentdaughter's difficult teenage years. My problem was that although we were always polite when we met – we still lived near very each other at that time – I invariably found myself on the defensive about what I was doing or what Mr absent was doing or something.

Absentdaughter was very distressed and hurt by my refusal to attend her wedding. As a result, I decided that I had to sort out my attitude. This was my problem of my making and I think I have pretty much done so.

This is a good thing because my ex emigrated to New Zealand last March and is living within a short distance of absentdaughter and her family. (She is naturally overjoyed but does feel a bit stressed by him sometimes.) Mr absent and I plan to emigrate next spring and, in any case, I spent six weeks staying with absentdaughter when Finn was born at the end of last March. It wasn't totally plain sailing and I think absentdaughter had to have a word about assumptions, but we managed.

I don't think Mr absent is massively enthusiastic – about my ex not about New Zealand which he loves – but I'm sure he'll do his best.

So [fingers crossed emoticon].

What a pity you had to miss the wedding. Your daughter has obviously forgiven you and I am sure she understands your reaons. Will it be possible for you to avoid him when you emigrate?
My ex didn't attend either of DD2s weddings nor DD1s. They would have been embarrassed by him as he would have got very drunk and tried to make a sentimental speech.

My ex now lives 6000 miles away which is almost far enough. I last saw him 12 years ago at DS1's wedding. He subsequently accused me of trying to upstage him! Nothing could have been further from my mind, in fact, I was succeeding in ignoring him and his missus. I divorced him - he wanted it and gave me the grounds which didn't make him any less mean when it came to a settlement. But my solicitor was a match for his.

Crimson every single word of your post, apart from the bit about partners, could have been written by me!

As with Greatnan I instigated the divorce and ex was very upset but quickly moved on .... he has a partner and I don't.

All things considered - I made the right decision.

Men seem less able to cope with living alone and most seek a new partner in double quick time!

I can meet my ex husband, and his wife and it is all very civilised. He left about 11 years ago to go to his long time mistress and their son, then aged 9. At first I couldn't bear to see them and felt terrible when I knew our children were seeing them. It all changed when I met and then married my now DH, who is totally different, and with whom I am very happy. We can now meet when we have to, my children treat their son as their brother, and DH is very smug when he sees them, he knows he is an improvement on th old model.

My ex was born to be a bachelor. He really had no idea how to be husband (or father) and has remained single after our divorce. I swore I would never marry again and it took Mr absent at least to years, possibly longer to persuade me that I should. I'm glad – mostly – that I did.

two, not to. B- must try harder.

I know just what you mean, absent. My ex was just like a lodger with sleeping rights. I have to admit I did encourage his hobbies, even though they took most of his salary, because it got him out of my way. Unfortunately, boring your spouse to death is not grounds for divorce!

But boring your spouse to death might be a means to an end.

Unfortunately, I didn't bore him - it was the other way round!

But you could have done if you had out your mind to it.

I hardly ever see my first ex (25 yrs wed,20 yrs ago). He is a heavy drinking, obnoxious bully with a vicious tongue. He was distraught when I dared to leave him but quickly found someone else to bully.
On Sunday, at my dgd's birthday, my son told him that if he said one word to upset me, he would never be invited again, so he ignored me all day. Fine by me.
My daughter has nothing to do with him. He hates all women.
Obviously there was a lot more to it, but no point raking it all up again.

I never see my second ex (18 months wed,12 yrs ago), he stalked me for two years and the police successfully prosecuted him for harrassment.

I have never had a really good relationship, and it seems too late now.
It would have been nice though

Never say never, Ella! At least you've got a good relationship with your children and yourself.

My second eldest daughter`s husband walked out on her and their 2 children, then 8 and almost 11, in 2003, to be with the woman he`d been carrying on with for several years,having left and come back twice before. Since then, they`ve gone out of their way to avoid having anything at all to do with each other. They divorced the following year, and she married again in 2005, to a man who was also divorced with 2 children. The difference is, he is still friendly with his ex-wife and her husband, as is my daughter, and they were even invited to the wedding!

crimson so glad to have met you at Birmingham meet.
Like you I have an amicable relationship with my ex.I instigated divorce in 1984.when children were almost grown up.
My ex sang at DS's wedding .Apart from our 3 children I also appreciate the rich experience of music that we all shared.
He is now in a care home quite near to me and I visit him occasionally.
Another bond we share is that we are both _denied contact_with our only grandson -simply because we are parents of GS's father!

I do think it must be nice to have an amicable relationship with the ex, and so much better for the children and grandchildren.

Ana Thank goodness my children know exactly what their father is like, and yes, we have a very good bond. As for me, I know my faults and weaknesses and also how strong I can be too