Grown up daughters

I can understand how you feel, LongtoothedGran, but perhaps the time has come for you to take a step back for a while? It sounds like your girls and their husbands are breaking away a wee bit - which is surely the way of things? Can you and your husband perhaps try to remain upbeat and do things for yourselves so that your girls don't feel as if they'e responsible for your happiness in any way? Now you're retired it might just be the time to show them that you do actually have plans for yourselves. Also, perhaps it might be an idea not to be too available for babysitting next time you're asked. Good luck.

Isn't it hard? - so sorry that things are hard at the moment. I agree with the advice - make sure that your children do not feel responsible for your happiness. I do understand the problem - I have 3 daughters and I have to learn to be happy that they like to do things together wthout us and that the concept of family has to change. I always say how happy I am for them and ask to hear how it went. It took a while for me to get to that point but it is OK honestly. Good luck.

Shew ltgran that's a tough one. I'm going to try and approach it from a different angle. I remember when I was a young wife, wrapped up in my children and husband and all the highs and lows of life, I sometimes wished I could push the 'pause' button on certain other areas of my life, e.g. pleasing my mother. She had been on her own since I was 5 (divorced and never remarried so she made her 3 children a focal point of her life for all time - not saying you or anyone else does this). So I suppose you could say I was selfish at that time about priorities. Would I do anything differently if I could have it all over again? Probably. Am I sorry for the times I hurt my mother's feelings - yes, now I am. We don't all learn how to do life well at the same time, it's staggered over a lifetime of growth and changing for each of us and when does it ever coincide to be perfect with all the different generations in one family? Perhaps in 'golden moments' to be enjoyed when they come. I've had to amend my expectations about many things in life - motherhood being just one of them. I don't know how perfect motherhood should look, but if it includes having grandchildren, I haven't had that luck (yet) and I'm 64. Not sure whether any of these musings are helpful.

I think you and Mr Longtooth should book a luxury cruise to somewhere warm and delightful this winter. Spoil yourselves and send a postcard or two if you can be bothered.

well said absent!

longtoothedgran,,,,,,,,,im sure we have all been there i have,,,but i have to agree with marelli...stand back,,,,go and surprise them and do something that they wouldnt exspect you to do,,,,,send then a text and say you are in paris, go for 4 days in prague..they will need you before you need them for sure,,,,look after yourself they always come back to you,,,,but they are young and perhaps spreading there wings,...just be there for them,,,i know its frustrating,,,,but hey ho,,,,live your life, i know its hard,but what can you do,take care

No angiebaby we have not all been there. You can speak only for yourself not the thousands of members of Gransnet.

I've come back to this thread three times now, and this time I just have to ask, was that really necessary, absent? angiebaby is a new poster and was only using a fairly innocuous phrase - why knock her down like that?

Are there really thousands of members of Gransnet?
How many thousands, 5, 10, 20?

It was harsh.

Sorry but absent is right, we have not all been there and probably not helpful to longtooth.

Yes there are thousands, about 6 months ago 7,000 was mentioned.

longtooth say s*d them and keep your distance for a while. It is difficult but children can be so thoughtless. I have come to the conclusion that somehow a mother's love is far stronger than the adult child's love for it's parent and in a way it is as it should be really. The child should always get and expect in a way, first call on it's parents love. Life seems so hectic for our daughters these days I think that they have no energy left for much else. Does that make sense to you?

I agree with absent it is what I would do. You know what they say about absence making the heart etc. I t might work!

Don't be put off * angie* it was an innocuous phrase. I'm not posting nearly as much as I used to as some forums can be unwelcoming places. But there are a lot of lovely people on GN as you'll find out.

Really, I had no idea. How long has Granset been running?

17 months glitabo

Thank you.

Dare I say I've been there? There's a lot of good advice been offered here and grannyknot has raised some valid points. When faced with a similar position we backed off and made ourselves unavailable inasmuch as we 'would have loved to be babysit/ look after your dog for the week, but so very sorry we're away that weekend/having friends visiting/going to take in a show'.

I was a little hurt when I first realised that my daughter did not want me to socialise with her friends, as I still saw myself as broad-minded, witty and good company. She explained that her friends' mothers were not like that and they were inhibited by having a woman of an older generation in the group. She was happy to spend time alone with me, or just in family parties. I reminded her that my own mother had come on our family holidays for many years, and she said that was because I was bored by my husband and welcomed my mother's company. She said it was very unusual for couples to take grandparents on holiday with them. I don't know if that is the way your daughters feel, but it is a possibility.

I remember that feeling * greatnan* when you first realise they don't want you to socialise with their friends. It was sad and a little hurtful.

angiebaby

I respect you wrote your feelings, nothing more, nothing less and your words were totally innocuous.

Longtoothedgran.

I think I would tell my children how I felt and ask if there was a problem. When you look after grandchildren I do think we become paralysed with the fear that if we say anything to upset then we may be penalised and stopped from seeing them. Is this a part of your worries.

It is a very difficult position to be in but sometimes by saying nothing we can assume the worse and it may nothing to do with you at all. Perhaps there is something going on they don't want to upset with. Perhaps they are simply busy, I have had to let my own DD have her space and after 3 years she is getting back to communicating, she was never distant just never had a minute to herself and the best thing I could do was not add to her pressure, just be there when needed.

Good luck, I hope it all works out soon for the better.

Sounds to me as if they have got the impression that you need them and that your life is empty without them so they feel pressured to include you in things. Perhaps things are so hectic, which they are with a young family, that any perceived extra responsibility is more than they can deal with.

That would be unfair of them but I would make a point of being independent and having 'fun' without them and fitting them in with difficulty. And hopefully they will realise that they do appreciate you after all.

Longtoothedgran - are your daughters aware of your feelings about their husbands? When my daughter was living with a man who was just leeching on her, I had to bite my tongue many times to stop myself criticising him because I knew she would feel obliged to take his part, and I might lose her. Maybe your daughters think that you might say something 'out of turn' about their husbands and cause an argument, which would ruin any holiday.

It is undoubtedly true that parents care for children more than children care for them - it is a survival fact for the species. I have never seen a baby bird pretending to be injured to lure a cat away from its mother!

For myself, I would be overjoyed if my daughters even spoke to each other, (the hostility is all one-sided) but that is another story.

I think the advice given here about showing your own independence is very true, Ltg.

We have three children, all in their forties, all married with families, and because, after a hectic working life, of the busy way our retirement panned out, they asked for copies of our diaries so that they could match up dates to meet, and certain days emerged when it was likely that this one or that one would be home at the same time as us!

We don't live near them, (well, that's just changed a bit) but have always been happy to move on for a weekend to allow them some free time.

I'm recounting this to show the other end of the spectrum, where we were very busy too and all had to work something out.

I agree with LaGrande that they may feel too much responsibility for filling your life; like GrannyK I remember feeling tense and guilty with the perceived demands of my mother. Go and do something special together - it will be worth it!