ungrateful selfish daughter.....help !

I have to think that you are afraid of your daughter in some way. Not necessarily afraid of her anger but more afraid of her rejection of you. I know from my own experience that I have been frightened of losing my daughter and nowadays more afraid of not getting to see my grandchildren and that is what I fear most.
Maybe there is something about that you are afraid of.
You sound very anxious in your first email and I am not surprised, but there are many good answers above for you and I know saying no is difficult but if you do although you will feel frightened she has more to lose than you do,believe me.

(((hugs))) fonda. Hope all goes well tomorrow and that you can celebrate your father's life in amongst the sadness.

Fonda - How lovely that you had an opportunity to say to him, when he was alive, what your dad meant to you. Precious memories for you.

Fonda I'm sorry for your loss, tomorrow will be a day of mixed emotions as you say goodbye to your Dad

fondasharing so glad you got to let your Father know how much he meant to you , I'm sure he would be proud of you - will be thinking of you tomorrow

fondasharing thinking of you at this sad time very wise post x

Thinking of you on Monday Fonda.

My parents supported me through university and contributed the amount that they were assessed for (and no more). When I was 21 my Dad said to me that I had to stand on my own two feet from thereon in and I could not go to them for any handouts - it was not said unkindly and I took no offence. I had some difficult times as I chose to do a post-grad qualification and had to find ways of funding that and my keep, but it seemed entirely reasonable to me that I should do so.

The lessons learned helped me to get through some difficult times when we were somewhat impecunious; but I had learned how to make do and mend and to enjoy myself without spending lots of money.

Fonda, how sad for you, but how nice that he knew how much you loved and appreciated him
I hope all goes well on Monday.

Dear Bez,Shysal and Marelli,

Thank you so much for your lovely words, they are so much appreciated. I had my Dad for all of my 65.5. years! so I was very lucky.

The eulogy will be said on Monday at his funeral. I still have Mum, so am very lucky. All the grandchildren and some of the great grandchildren will be there to celebrate his life.

I will probably need a very stiff drink beforehand to deliver the eulogy, but deliver it I must....it is the least I can do.

Several years ago, as a Father's Day present, I gave Dad a scrapbook with most of the words written inside that I will say at the funeral. I am so happy now that I had the chance to thank him before he went......and he knew how much he was loved and what a good job he did as my Dad.

Thank you again for your kind wishes.

Fondasharing - your post is so sensitive and sensible. I hope all goes well on the day.

So sad, thinking of you Fondasharing.

Sad days Fondasharing - hope all goes well and you can deliver what I am sure is a beautiful eulogy without becoming too upset - I admire you for doing it as I know I could not have done it.

I have not contributed to Gransnet for 3 weeks or so. My dear Dad died on 8th February and as you can imagine I have been otherwise occupied. He was 88 so had a good long life.

Why am I saying all this on Gransnet? Well, I have just finished writing the eulogy for my Dad's funeral, reflecting on his life and how he impacted upon mine.

When I read how your daughter is behaving angiebaby, it would be a great exercise for her to imagine that you are not around anymore, and she has to imagine life without you.

Parents are supposed to "parent" - not to overindulge. They are supposed to guide their children into adulthood so they can stand on their own two feet and survive. That is what my Dad did, and I am eternally grateful that he did just that.

Go away from your daughter now....she does not deserve you.....and you will be doing her a real favour by making her stand.....ON HER OWN TWO FEET.

My Dad would be proud of you!!!

You are having a terrible time, I don't know what to say, the other gransnetters have given you some good advice. Stay strong.

You are so right. Flower of the west owinwishnwe had not been so generous with our dreadful daughter but what is done is done don't look back as they say.

We certainly enjoying our lives now enough is enough and do hope angle Can too focus on each other.

angiebaby, she will need you before you need her. She will come round but what a selfish child (yes child) she is. You have done the right thing in pulling out. You need your life now and your husbands. Spend you money on yourself and, if you have the courage, go for Equity Release. that way the money will be yours and she will have a tiny percentage of her inheritance although it seems to me that she has already had her fair share.

Surely you had a struggle when you started out. I suppose I am lucky in the fact that I have never been expected to bail them out or finance my children. It is not a right they have to have parents pay for houses, bills, holidays, new kitchen fittings etc. I am shocked - although I know friends who have done the same. They seem to feel that if they say NO then the 'children' and they are not children, will not love them. I did lend one son £100 ONCE -we are not loaded by any means and it was from our meagre savings. When he was able to pay it back he never did. It was the false promises etc. I had promised to buy a crib for their expected baby. I told him, nicely, that not to worry about the money to buy the crib with it. It worked. I know it is difficult to say no but I think the time has come. Good luck with this. She sounds delightful.

At 48 drat daughter should be looking after Angie! Perhaps she's menopausal!

dorset, she did in an earlier post....48 I think it was.

angiebaby you haven't said how old your daughter is by the way? I read your original post with horror and I am now glad to find you have found the courage to stick up for yourself. To be honest she sounds appallingly selfish and will one day, hopefully, realise that when she has her own children. We all try to help our grown up children but honestly you have taken it to the extreme. Don't worry about her contacting you. She will when it suits her. Just be prepared to stay firm and not give in just because she has been in contact again.

I echo gillybob's response. Take control before it's too late.

It is so sad that your daughter is so ungratefull. I think HildaW is right about the letter. If there is no change to her attitude after that I would sell the house and enjoy time with your husband. Maybe while she is not living there you could pay the mortgage ( if you are in a position to do so) rather than risk losing the house.

I wish you much luck.

Yes, I agree - you'll have to make sure she's actually paying the mortgage - whose name is it in? Stay strong and evict her if she refuses to pay.

I just hope you don't lose everything due to the house being repossessed if she doesn't keep up the mortgage payments.

Angiebaby, I really cannot get my head round what your daughter is doing! So glad you feel that you can begin to stand up to her. I'd be inclined to sit down and write it in a letter. Plan what you want to say and if it takes several attempts, so much the better because writing stuff down is always a good way of getting it clear in our minds. Once you are happy with the letter leave it over night and then re-read it and make any final changes and then just post it.
Then go away and have a complete break from her.
I do wish you all the best and hope that at some point your daughter realises what she has done to you.