Trial separation

Sorry to hear about your situation never. My mum spent years married to a bombastic controlling man and my brother and I begged her to leave. He was so mean she was not allowed to put the lights on until it was very dark, no central heating or automatic washer. Once she went to a family celebration he did not attend and because she was late home he locked her out! Because only his name was on the mortgage he always told her it was his house and she truly believed she would have nothing if she left. I know she was scared to walk out and at the time we both lived pretty far away. I asked her to come live with me but she did not want to leave the area where she had lived for years. He became ill with heart problems but refused to stay in hospital so mum has the responsibility of nursing him. It is an awful thing to say but it was almost a relief when he died. He had small amounts of cash hidden about the house so mum was finally able to treat herself to a holiday and get some new furniture etc but sadly she became ill herself and died 15 months after him just when she was beginning to enjoy life. I really feel for you

itsnevertoolate I'm impressed with how brave you've already been. Taking that first step of talking to people about your situation is a really big one.
There are several things that you can do, and it seems you've already made a start.
The first is to acknowledge that you are not to blame for the situation you are in.
Secondly it helps to just imagine what the worst thing could be if you stay - and you've already begun to do that and realised that it's something you're afraid of.
Then you might find it helpful to take as much advice on practical matters as you can. Research things like housing, benefits etc.
Finally, and again you've already crossed the biggest hurdle, talk to the people who are in a position to help you such as the woman from the domestic abuse place.

Three years ago I helped one of my students to leave an abusive marriage. Her husband sounds pretty much like yours, but eventually he could no longer keep the anger he felt in check, and she knew it was time to leave.
Her leaving was secretly planned with the domestic abuse unit and the women's refuge. She smuggled household items, clothing, important documents etc. out of the house over a period of a couple of weeks and kept them at my house. Then (whilst her husband was out of the house) she brought the remainder of her belongings here where she was met by the refuge worker and was accompanied to the women's refuge. She was there for about eight months and during that time she received colossal amounts of help and advice from professionals and volunteers. She is now settled and has found what she describes as 'peace in myself'.

I suspect you think that something bad might happen if you stay; if that is true then perhaps the kindest action you can take for both of you is to leave. I wish you well with whatever decision you come too, it won't be easy, but you'll find no shortage of support on here.

I would endorse everything that has been said here, itsnevertoolate! You seem to be coming to some conclusions about yourself and this relationship - and you know you are worth more than this. Do believe in yourself and start taking little steps - away!

And hello! for you.

I have just read all the posts here. Wow! Itsnevertoolate you do need help. Do you have any siblings who could support you? I fully understand that you don't want your children to get involved, but maybe a brother or sister who you could talk to initially at least? Or a good friend? I feel so sorry for you and understand what you are going through. I don't have that problem, but a different one with my H. We have also been married for over 40 years and I don't want to just give up on all those years. Luckily for me things are working out for the best. But I do feel for you. Only you will know what's the best thing to do going forward. Go with your instinct and I'm sure things will be better. It won't be easy, but time will help you.
Big hug and

Just want to say again, a big "Thank you" everyone for the kind words,advice,suggestions,hugs,flowers and all
And no,I dont have sibllings (well,technically I do have half ones,but thats a long and very sad story) So no,theres not really anyone,never has been....

Havent been about,on here,as have crocked my back up (again)
so now Physio too-and instead of using my sticks only for balance,now also for propping me up
Which hurts my "bad" arm

So tired with everything,and fed up with hospital appointments....!
(our only joint "social life" )
(No,I tell a lie,we do both go to visit his mum in a care home.I love her,but that doesnt mean I would not also like some other kind of outing....)

Amongst other things,I'mnow looking forward to Cardiologists appointment plopping through the door,as an examination by (yet) another department found a heart murmer (I could tell them its really called "broken heart") so now of course they have to investigate that!!...
Honestly,by the time I have finished,Ill have been in all the different hospital departments!

And as I said,I crocked my back up again,(1 of the reasons I havent been back here)
All the more frustrating,as Im determined to get fitter.I will need to be as strong and fit as possible,in every way,if I am to find the strength Im going to need....

Had a different OT lady here yesterday. Can you imagine what I felt like,when she was tutt tutting because our easy chairs/lounge chairs,are far too low for me-and bad for me.
I know" they are,but what can ^I do about it?
_My husband likes them,and is perfectly happy with them......

He also thinks it a waste of his money to even help pay for rails to make our (dangerous) outside steps safer for me,(the OT lady was having kittens,says shes hardly seen worse ones!) and is happily oblivious of my need for 2nd safety grip near the bath.-or any by the loo.....

She (OT) wanted me to give me one of those inflatable cushions that lowers you into the bath,she is not at all happy about me climbing in.-but how could I explain to her,(with my husband there!)that even if I wanted one,I cant have one;as I am unable to keep it clean myself,and so it would just be another source of stress and temper
Its all so sad..........

(We had some old friends (dont see them now) but when we first moved back to the area we used to live in,we saw them a few times-and they felt so sorry for me,and my obvious discomfort,that after many months,and still no sign of a better chair for me,they gave us two recliners-
I was mortified-but at least I can get a change of position now, and its helped a lot.......)

On the positive side however,I have trimmed my hair myself and it looks better than when the hairdresser does it;)!
I am really enjoying going to the over 60s,
and the "seated exercise " group (great fun and good for me!)
and I have found out details of a dial a ride bus,so Im nearer at least,to a bit of independance!
After trying that a few times,then its the "proper bus" for me-a considerable step nearer to seeing a solicitor!
Yippee!

Oh,and Im beginning to clear out things I wont be needing/wanting in the future!!

Night night

itsnevertoolate special ((hugs)) for you sweetie,your OT may be able to get the rails you need via occupational health at no cost to you as you need them as a matter of urgency the same for the grips to help you into the bath,if you can't manage the bath the same agency will supply a shower and fit it for you,this was done for one of my neighbours but I think all Councils are different with their funding but well worth a try.
Your OH sounds very controlling and likes to get his own way and as much as you say you want him to enjoy his life please remember we are now living much longer and even if you are retirement age ? you can expect to be around for another 20+yrs and you deserve to be happy during that time,so try and take that next step with the confidence you are finding and get the help you so rightly deserve.glamma x

Thank you glammanana
(BTW,are they freesias?)

Controlling:
yes,he is controllling-though he doesnt think of himself that way.
The telling thing (I think) is that although he is like that with me-he will let anyone and everyone else walk all over him......
And that makes me so sad.He obviously feels terrible about it-and I think is at least part of the reason why he treats me as he does.(the controlling bit)
As for him enjoying life,he isnt.and neither am I,what a waste.

Regarding the OT,bath,hand grips etc, we only qualify for “minor works” anything else would be means tested,and we would not qualify.,this means,that unless he will pay for something,or at least help pay for things,I wont get it
We need such a long handrail outside,its over the “minor works” budget,and so would a shower be Unfortunately)

You can say we were stupid to move into somewhere with lots of outside steps,esp as I was having awful stability probs at the time,but we had planned to make everything “easy access” we had always said that would be good anyway,as we are both only going to get older!
However,it seems that as I have improved a lot to what I was (maybe cos I now use 2x sticks now?!) he thinks all that is not necessary anymore? who knows......

Well,saw local physio last week,shes going to reccomend spinal CT scans,and at my “Falls" appointment,the specialist wants their physio to assess me (because of my walking problems) He thought maybe she could come up with some exercises that might help....
-So, that will ensure a few more outings for me:/ And maybe maybe,Im getting nearer to an explanation for everything? And maybe some help?

I'm so pleased to be getting to know more people locally-but theres a tinge to it,as if I split up with my husband,well,I will have to leave them,too, wont I?

Not been on my bus ride yet-But I'm workiing on it!(left booking bus too late,as was waiting for a call back from someone) Maybe next week?

On the funny side,I have just bought some 1/2kilo weights at a table sale-I was told I could use them to strengthen arm muscles etc, while watching television-you should have seen their faces when they discovered that I *havent got one*!!!!
-More power to my elbow,I say

itsnevertoolate Good for you purchasing the weights they will help you excercise and give you some upper body strength,as your OH will listen to other people and not you can you not get the OT to convince him it is in your best interests to have the adaptations done to your home because surely in the long term it will be beneficial for you both.
Do you use your PC to get TV programmes or do you just abstain from watching ? Can you go to clubs in the area or coffee mornings say at local Church even just an hour in a coffee shop is a change of scenary and help make new pals,or the local library for their weekly meetings most have them.
Keep positive and take care.glamma x don't know what the are but they are pretty enough aren't they.

Hi there glamma
exercised every day so far with the weights! I enjoy it,pleased I got them.
(only half a kilogram each,but you can feel them)
Re OH,even if he^would "do as he was told" ie,take notice of other people-he would just be even angrier with me(Not supposed to involve other people...)and hes more than angry enough already.......
He doesnt care about my long or short term interests,and is (apparantly unable to think clearly enough to realise howmy health may affect him in the future.)
And frankly,I am really afraid to think what it would be like if I am still living with him,if I got more dependant....

Re TV
I can use my PC to get i player TV-but not much,as we only have a basic package,which doesnt allow for much downloading of
tv,films etc.Cant watch live tv either,as have no license.
He ^has ^threatened to stop me having internet before now-but then how woould he explain that to our "children"?....

In recent weeks,I have been going to counselling,and seeing someone from domestic abuse people.
This has helped me soooo much,as they have shown that they understand how OH temper has affected me,in every way-and confirmed that his behaviour is not ok!...
and is probably why I have plucked up courage to start going to over 60s (I can walk there)
Ive also started going to a seated exercise group,which is hilarious-and seems to give me a thorough work out,too!

And,I achieved one of my goals today,[clap] using the dial a ride bus to go to a neabye town.
Apart frm places I can walk to,its the first time been out alone in many years! (and I hadnt even walked anywhere till last year,either!,so I am progressing!)
It felt great!
(but I felt gutted,at the expression on my husbands face,when I told him I was going on the bus-sadly,it was not an expression showing how peased he was to see me getting out and about a bit.....)

I will get used to this,and then I am hoping that I will be able to use the regular bus--with the object of,
in due course,being able to see citezans advice,and,eventually, a solicitor

Neve mind,OH will still be able to take me to hospital appointments,(our social oife) though appt ^still ^hasnt come through for Cardiology, or physio assessment, [sigh]

Speaking of (OH,whenever I tell him that his treatment of me when he is angry,is not acceptable,he sneers at me.
-but then I saw a (free to take) magazine in the library,with an article "are you walking on eggshells" where the plolice stated that how he acts is not ok.
Early days yet,but last time (this morning) he began to "go for me" (hurling himself towards and over me) He suddenly paused,and then subsided-as though in fact,he was remembering that article! lets hope.......

Little steps Im taking,but im determined to reach my goals
And Im showing him that I am serious,and determined to make changes....

Well done itsnevertoolate, you are making progress step by step, day by day.

Hi there,
been absent due to "difficulties"at home and etc ...
-But the good news is,that since I showed my husband that police article about domestic abuse,(in local library ,freebie magazine) and spelling out what exactly domestic abuse is,he has not acted in a physically threatening manner towards me!!! First time ever!!(since it all began many years ago)

As I have already said,the first time after reading the article,he swung into action as usual-and then- it was amazing,he obviously remembered that article,and "got a grip of himself" and stopped coming towards me.
You can bet that I'm hoping and praying that this proves to be a permanant state of affairs-normlally I am so afraid of him,when he goes berserk.

What I find so sad though,is this:
If he can control his actions because he doesnt want to get into trouble with the police
-that means he always could have controlled it,doesnt it?
And saved me many years of being terrified of him.

He has argued with me again and again that it is ok to act like that towards me when he is angry,and that "so would anyone else".
He has sneered at me,when I have told him that its not considered acceptable behaviour,and that most people dont act like that.
Anything I said to him,he took no noticce of,but he only read that police article once,to change (for good,I hope) his behaviour towards me.

Unfortunately the "Jekyll and Hyde" behaviour carries on. If he is to be believed,he is unaware of it.....It leaves me with my head spinning....

Havent been out much due to the weather and the "domestic scene" now got stinking cold.
Been told I should still attend my echocardiograpy appt despite having a cold,but doesnt seem fair,to spread my germs. However,another 6 weeks wait,if I dont go; -and I was told it was in my
interests to go this time...
So,hope you are all cold free (Atishoo!) and enjoying seeing spring coming (slowly though it may be
and thanks again for "being there" and caring.
Heres some for you

itsnever dont miss your appointment

itsnever I just dont understand why you would want to choose to live your life with someone that is so horrid to you. You must know that as a human being you deserve a bit better x x

You know, 'itsnevertoolate', all your words, you just took out of my mouth.

Petrapan are you new? I haven't noticed you post before but if you have, I apologise

As you can see GN is a very supportive place if you want to talk