Being a paternal grandmother

In my experience, being a paternal grandmother is definitely a minefield. I have 3 sons; the nearest is 50 miles away and the other two 250 miles away, about 5 hours by train or car. Only one has children (a GD aged 2½ and a new born GS) and, you guessed it, he is 250 miles away. This means that I have to stay over if I visit but, although they have a spare room, they cannot accommodate me and I have to stay in a b&b. I live by the sea and thought they would like to spend holidays with me but they prefer Portugal or Tenerife and have shared holidays there with my DiL’s family and friends. I have just returned from a 3 day visit to my GS: only 2 weeks old so perhaps it was unreasonable of me to visit so soon. Sadly, they were very busy during the day with all the activities that GD has to do (nursery, tumble tots, swimming) and I had to leave at GD’s bed time so there wasn’t much time for getting to know each other. We did go out for a meal one evening, which I appreciated, and I played with my GD and cuddled my GS at every available opportunity but my DS and DiL were too busy to do more than glance at the presents I took, even the little coat that I had knitted. (I didn’t say anything but this was the first knitting project I had completed for years and I put my heart and soul into it. ) I have Skype but don’t find it very successful and they don’t seem to have time to use it. My DiL’s parents live about 15 minutes away and are very close. They looked after my GD while my DiL was working and my DiL’s father, a keen DIYer, has helped my DS to replumb, rewire etc. Don’t get me wrong, my DiL’s parents are very nice people and I am glad my DS has been welcomed into such a close and loving family but I feel that I have no place in his life. I’m not sure how close my DS is to his own father, my ex, as no one ever talks to me about him and we have no contact. He lives about 30 miles from me and is married to a lady who is close to her own 2 DDs and GC. I’m on my own and, although I am pretty independent, keep busy and have many friends, I feel horribly left out of my own family.

anxious I think with your attitude "lovely daughter therefore must be a lovely mum", you will all get on famously

as a 'paternal grandma' - it is a bit of a minefield especially as there is no 'paternal grandad' for balance -
there is a saying that
a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.

Although my son would never dream of abandoning me or ceasing to care about how I am - I am fortunately extremely independent minded and 'never interfere with their lives but they know they can call on me if needed'

Thanks again to everyone. You all have positive stories to tell and it is very reassuring.I have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps I was in danger of becoming jealous (eek). I met my DiL's mum for the first time at the weekend, and they were so affectionate to each other, which is lovely as some mums and daughters hate each other. I think I felt a bit envious of a mother/daughter relationship, but I have 2 lovely sons who are FANTASTIC.
I didn't get chance to speak to DiL's mum on my own which I hope to do at least when the baby is born. She must be a lovely woman, as she has brought up a lovely daughter.
I will be good at housework and taking casseroles round, anyway!

Hello anxiousgranny. Congratulations and I do hope you will become less anxious once the baby arrives.

I'm a maternal grandmother and I see my grandchildren once a week usually. Both husband and I are still working so we have little free time whereas the 'other' grandparents are not only both retired but also live much closer to my daughter and husband than I do. I don't actually know how often the other grandparents see the children and I'm not at all concerned, it isn't a competition and I have a wonderful relationship with them. Their other granny, I'm sure, has an equally wonderful but different relationship with them.

DD does not have children so I am the paternal grandmother to both GC. I was not present at their births but neither was DIL's mother as she lives five hours drive away. I see the GC every week and babysit as required, childmind during school holidays and take them on holiday sometimes. I understand it is not practical for DIL's mother to visit the way I do so always take a back seat when she visits and give her precious time with the children. She got them for a week at Christmas and got to do exciting things, was I jealous ? no. It is not a competition or favouritism it is give and take and what is best for the children. I never had any concerns when DIL became pregnant, I love her as if she was my own DD and we get along just fine.

As has been said before every family is different. I have two sons and worried about being the 'other granny" the one you can shove off the bus! (It is a scottish song) However that hasn't happened and we see lots of our lovely grandchildren, probably more than the maternal grandparents. We love spending time with them and are willing to help when we can. Anxiousgran don't worry, be available and enjoy! A granny who says "what can I do to help?" will be very welcome.

I had this conversation on another thread ages ago. I'm a 'paternal' granny and I spend a lot of time with both GDs. I did wonder when my first GD was born would I be in 2nd place but that hasn't happened. The other grandparents live fairly close to me, so often include me when they travel up to London to see the children. Any suggestions are advice I may offer are accepted with grace, my son and his wife have tried very hard to be fair on both sides.

I'm a paternal granny and don't see as much of our g/child and dil as her parents do, but they live close by whereas we live a half hour drive away. However, we do get to share the childcare with dil's parents and they did come on holiday with us last year.

anxiousgran when is the baby due? There are quite a lot of grannies expecting new arrivals this year: there have been two announcements today in fact. Why not pop over to this thread and join in the fun?

Anxious Gran, What has happened in our family is that both grandmothers have ended up playing completely different roles that cannot be competitive, even if we wanted them to be so, which we don't

Unlike you we live several hundred miles from our DGC while DDil's mother, who is a widow, lives in the same town and has been a tower strength and spends so much time with DGC, she is essentially a third parent. We couldnt possibly compete with this, even if we wanted to, and, to be honest, I wouldnt want to devote as much time to caring for my grandchildlren as she does.

However we are 'doers' so we have done things for them. DDiL has health problems and DS works long and sometimes inconvenient hours and has no apptitude for DIY so DH has upgraded the kitchen for them. I have just returned from doing some decorating. Since we are also better off we have also been able to help them buy things they need, we always try to do it discreetly, usually a subsidy rather than an outright purchase.

Both families get on really well. When we visit we usually sleep at the other grandma's house and we have all been away together on occasional family holidays. DH is the only grandpa, and DGS considers him to be the best thing since sliced bread. Grandmas are two a penny but a grandpa.....

Thanks everyone for replying and for your reassurance and wisdom. It's time to embrace the experience, and take things as they come.
Thanks for the congrats too!

I have two sons and one daughter, all married, all with children, and I have to say I shared your concerns, anxiousgran when the GC began to arrive. I worried needlessly! My wonderful daughters in law, one of whom lives just round the corner from her mother, have included us in everything (we live three hours away) and their children are a huge part of our lives. But, we have also made every effort to travel to see them, have them to stay and so on, so it has been a two way effort and has truly paid off. (I've just driven back to Devon from Hampshire to share a birthday party!)

My daughter and I are very close, and I now live near to her, and that in itself is great; her MiL is a difficult woman who lives a long way away and...that is another story, but no effort has been made to see the GC until recently.

(DH is to all intents and purposes the only Grandpa - two have died, one is very distant in many ways, so he just has a ball with all the GC, all of whom adore him and think he is just another, larger, older, child!)

Don't worry, love expands to embrace all the babies and all the grandparents if you work to nurture it.

My DiL did not want her mother in the labour room but she turned up anyway and was shown the door very quickly!

We live further away so when we do see them it is usually for more than one day. I don't think her mum is very maternal so she doesn't seem to see much of them anyway.

As has already been said, all families are different and I know it will be different when the other DSs start families.

Hi anxiousgran do you get to see your DILs mum on a regular basis if not why not invite her for lunch/coffee and chat about your good news and just let her know you will be available to help out if needed,you could help with washing shopping cleaning etc which would give maternal gran a break when the happy time comes.
Girls will always gravitate towards their mums I know as I have 2 future DIL,I am sure your DS will not be left out and he will find himself very useful when the time comes. Congradulations on the good news.

Hello anxiousgran. I am a mum who is planning to be present at the birth of my grandchild and yes, I am close to my daughter, but I am also very fond of my son in law and I am certain that he is in not in the least little bit concerned that he will be 'pushed out'. I wonder if your concern is more about being the '2nd gran' than about your son? I'm sure you'll find that there is enough 'baby' to go round and that your good relationship with your daughter in law will mean that you're not excluded. Neither of my sons have had children yet, but I do expect when that time comes that my daughter in law will want her mum around - and I'm sure there will be a place for me too.

First of all 'Congratulations'.
The next is try try not to see this as a competitive event - it will only spoil the joy of being a Grandma.
Every family is different and every set of relationships are different. Just fit in where its needed , let it happen naturally and see each occasion that you are involved with as a joy and a blessing, not a right.
For what its worth I am a 'Maternal' Grandma but I tend to come off second best a little but its not anything I can do about so I just dont worry about it. The problem in our family is that my daughter's MIL died dramatically and unexpectedly leaving her son angry and traumatised. Now my daughter has to deal with a lot of 'My Mum never got to see the children doing such and such' and it subtly affects how many times they visit. Yes, I am in competition with a dead Grandma!....
I am not cross or bitter, its just a fact of life and I only mention it to illustrate that there are no hard and fast rules, there are just families. So dont fret about it, work towards a strong and loving relationship and enjoy being a grandma!