Gransnet forums


Daughter wont let me see my grandchildren

(11 Posts)
cutebabyelephants Tue 19-Mar-13 14:27:01

hi im new to this my heart is breaking and dont know what to do , ill try and keep it brief > my daughter has been in a ralationship with an abusive boy and they split up in nov after he beat her police were called and he was removed from her flat along with all his stuff my other daughter went to stay with her because he was threatening my daughter and had to call the police on a daily basis he put her windows through and caused her misery for 3 months one day when my daughter who was staying with her went home he was in the flat and between them they through all her stuff out into the street and announced they were getting back together . I rang the cps and told them that he was a danger to the children which i believe he is having seen the difference in her eldest child after he was gone , he had been controlling her stealing her money with holding her mail which we found in his clothes pockets after he left and dictating who she could and couldnt see which is why theyargued and split up in the first place . now my daughter will not let anyof our family see her or the kids and i know he is behind it ...any suggestions or advice would be greatful x thanks

LullyDully Tue 19-Mar-13 14:34:10

I would keep on to the police and call Social Services.

Really no advice from me sorry but my heart goes out to you.... what a dreadful situation. Many grans here will be far more help than me.

Jadey Tue 19-Mar-13 15:19:11

Hello sweetbab How horrid for you, can your husband ar a male member of your family perhaps get involved and perhaps go and speak to the boy to make sure your daughter and her children are ok x

Jadey Tue 19-Mar-13 15:21:50

PS There was a time when if abuse was reported to the police and they attended to arrest , the abused person can change their mind and not press charges,

However the law has now changed and if Police attend they WILL arrest him regardless.

So if you suspect abuse you can call the police x

cutebabyelephants Tue 19-Mar-13 15:39:45

jadey my daughter did retract her statement afterwards but the social services have seen the police reports and evidence photos of her injuries , the boy is not allowed into her flat when the children are there whilst they conduct an investigation , i guess i am being punished for ringing them in the first place , ive just spoken to the ss and they have informedme that my daughter has said we had aterrible relationship anyway , i dont know how she can say that she was coming to my house to stay a lot of weekends with the kids and i had all on to get her to go home lol we used to go all over with her children and her sisters . i know that deep down in heart she knows that startement is untrue x

glammanana Tue 19-Mar-13 15:56:25

sweetbab This is an awful situation to be in but from experience with DDs x husband,just make sure you do not loose contact with your daughter what she is saying now is what she thinks her partner wants her to say,he wants to disconnect her from her family and friends so she is only reliant on him and he can then call the tune.These men are just bullies and would not think of behaving like that with a man,we did what Jadey suggests and my 2DSs met up with him and had a quiet word in his ear,I never asked what was said and have never been told but the mental abuse stopped overnight,keep your door open for her as she will be back I'm sure. Take care of yourself.

cutebabyelephants Tue 19-Mar-13 16:40:00

glammanana i have sent her a text saying if you need anything you know where i am as she will not answer my calls although she did answer once about 2 weeks ago she didnt say much but she did say the kids were fine and the baby now had 8 teeth ..i didnt want to push it so i just said you know where i am ....i havnt got a husband or male figure as her father moved abroad when they were young or i would ve sent him round ages ago , i just hope she comes to her senses and realises what the kids are missing out on cos its so much x i do believe he is controlling who she speaks to and has control of her phone when he is around , she reopened her face book account after they split up but thats gone again aswell x

Jadey Tue 19-Mar-13 21:22:59

cutebab Thats good that he is not allowed there when the children are there so you have saved them from him when you called the police wether your daughter talks to you or not, so i truly believe that you did the right thing.

I feel that if your daughter has spoken to you about the children, then there is a good chance she may come around if you try and keep in gentle contact with her.

One thing that can work in these situations sometimes is if the Mother is made aware that it is a bad example to be setting her children that its ok to be treated in this way and would she like her children, when grown to be treated in this way.

One last thing there are places that your daughter can go called womens refuge, were he will hopefully not be able to find her as they are very secure and safe places.

I hope all goes well for you, hopefully your daughter will see sense smile

petra Sun 24-Mar-13 11:33:26

If this were happening to a Daughter of mine I wouldn't need a male member of family. As my Dad would say: there's nothing a piece of 4x2 can't fix.
Some years ago one of the DDs had a boyfriend who would just not leave her alone. I threw him down the stairs. He didn't come around again.

annodomini Sun 24-Mar-13 12:38:24

petra, I read that as 'he didn't come round again' and wondered what you were confessing to. shock

Nanban Thu 11-Apr-13 10:21:40

Your daughter lives with aggression, and fear, and bullying so she will only react to the least pressure from you with all the anger she can't let out to the boyfriend. Such a terribly difficult thing to do, but if you can simply let her know that she is loved and you are a safe, unpressured, place she can come to, she may just need to know that.

I hope for better times for you all.