Betrayal

ps
I've been pretty down the last few days, so couldn't face looking at your forum...sorry. But feeling much better today, thank goodness. The one piece of advice I would give is to try to keep as busy as you can. If you can go to places that have no memories for you, or do things you and your ex didn't do together. When I am busy, then I feel much better and I know that is a way for everyone to try to start to dig yourself out of this hole and start to heal.There is a life still to be lived. We are all just visitors here, so do think of things you would still like to do that you haven't done yet. Do look at the local library to see what is going on, or the local paper if you have one. You could do something with people you have never met before, so no history needs to be discussed.
I do hope this helps.

Shysal - Thank you for your thoughts, it's warming to think that a total stranger can spare a thought when the one person that was the sole focus of my being does not. I obviously met and settled with the wrong one, much to my cost. Thank you; it is much appreciated.
I did venture out of doors but only because my son drove up and picked me up in my car. I spent the weekend at his house with him and his partner whom I get on very well with. A lovely caring young woman who dotes on my son. I love her to bit's. Sadly I have not been out since arriving back yesterday evening except to go to work today.
I need to be in Deansgate in Manchester tomorrow so will need to get myself there by train. Sadly the last place my ex and I had dinner out was in a restaurant on Deansgate followed by drinks down by the canal. I hope I can blank the memory out and make sure I don't pass anywhere near it when I go to lunch.
Thank you.

How was your week-end ps? Did you manage to venture out of the door? I found myself thinking of you when hearing somebody singing 'Anyone who had a heart' on TV the other day, originally by Cilla Black I think.

Ps. The pier is still there dispite fires and Barges going through it. Smile

Petra
Thank you for the sentiments - How I wish? Sadly I do not know a single soul.
Just someone to talk to or walk with would certainly help I feel. There is only so many cnversations you can have with photographs of the children and grandchildren.
I have been to my local CAB but to be honest the advise was very vague and non specific with the exception of not being permitted to change locks, one of which incidentally I had already been forced to change.
I have had preliminary advice from a solicitor and Barrister (husband and wife) too and they both suggested that we wait for my ex's next move before considering further steps.
I have not been to Southend sinse I was around 6 or 7 years of age.

Ps. I wish you had a friend like the one I had many years ago when I was going through a very painful break up. She was the only friend I had as I had moved from London to Southend and I knew no one apart from him and our mutual friends
She would come up to my room ( we all lived in bed sits in a large house) and literally get me dressed and made up and force me to go out with her. It worked. I wish you lived near me; I would drag you out. Smile

Get thee to a solicitor ps ! - or at least CAB.

It will surely help you get your mind around things a bit if you know where you stand and exactly what your rights are.

Sorry first paragraph should have ended with 'time to sort out what I want to do'.

Faye Appreciate your comments but no, my ex did not have equity in a previous home to contribute and I did put every penny into buying the house and everything in it. I bought all the furniture, cars, white goods, beds, lighting and soft furnishings brand new and the house was a new build. I thought it best as we would be making a fresh start together. Please don't get me wrong I would never begrudge her anything which could possibly be termed hers including all the clothes, jewellry and personal stuff I bought her. Neither would I begrudge her a share of the house but not now. It is my home, it is where I live and I feel comfortable there. I need time to come to terms with her leaving and time to sort out what I
As for the age thing I cannot be sure. She maintained there was never a problem in fact she often maintained that I was far younger and fitter than she ever could be but who knows. All I can say is that it was never hinted at or appeared to be any kind of problem. I am told I do not look my age and if any consolation daughter says I should act my age and not my shoe size. I would perhaps disagree but that is the fact.

Hmm! makes me thing Faye, my DiL is 15 years younger then my DS. It is fine now as she is 28 and he 15 years older. She already makes comments regarding older generation. She is very childish in that respect. Thinks that sex stops at 50 etc. I hope she grows up and changes before they get much older.

ps you called your ex partner a gold digger but surely she would have owned some property before you met. I have just been through a messy property settlement with my ex partner. He believed I was entitled to absolutely nothing, even though I had put in the same amount of money towards our property. I really feel you should seek legal advice soon, dragging property settlement out is quite stressful.

This is not meant unkindly, but I wonder if the fifteen year age difference between you became a problem for her. She would not yet be fifty and may have felt the gap was widening. Large age differences do work for some people but as people get older the gap widens. When you are eighty she would only be a year older than you are now.

shysal Thank you for the kind words but I am not perfect by a long shot, even on paper, and as much as I try to be it obviously has not worked. As for forgiving her, I can't see that happening as her actions are what I consider beneath contempt. I have and live by values and amongst those is loyalty, respect, honesty and unconditional love to the exclusion of all others. She has shatterred all those.
My previous divorce was not traumatic at all. It was a joint decision with no third parties involved at the time and right for us both. My job grew us apart albeit that I did it to provide a good life for the family. I still have great respect for my ex wife.
Movedalot I will be seeing my doctor again on Thursday and will consider further legal advice. My problem is that I wanted her to feel included and although I put all the money up for the house I got the lawyer to draw up a deed of trust giving her a share just in case. That is a legally binding document. I think you might be right and you echo what my doctor has said. Following a lifetime of looking after others' welfare I now have nothing left for me. I am determined to get there though but it is a bit of a struggle at the moment. I guess it's harder in not having someone to share the burden with. Thank you for the advice

Absolutely Moved- I couldn't agree more.

ps I am not sure what help you are receiving but whatever it is I think you should go back to your GP and talk about it. I think you may have reached a point where you are not able to help yourself. Life normally has ups and downs and we feel good when we expereince the ups and bad when we experience the downs. I don't think that if you won the lottery tomorrow you would feel an up and it is time for you to get some appropriate help.

The other thing I think you should do is get proper legal advice asap, not second hand. You need to talk to someone about your legal position which may be a lot better than you think. As you were not married it may be that she has no rights to the home. Is it in both names? Whatever the situation it is far better to know rather than think

ps, you are right to feel that you shouldn't look for a new relationship yet. It's difficult at first not being part of a couple, especially when the world seems to be full of them. But socialising with other people doesn't mean that you are looking for a partner. It's better to be with a group of people with whom you share an interest, even a group with whom you can share some expertise. I know the U3A has been mentioned. It is a very disparate organisation in which people who share an interest - eg photography, books, theatre, walking - can meet and compare experiences. No pressure.

I think you are never going to understand why your partner did this, I doubt whether she knows either, because on paper you are the perfect man. I have always thought that love can turn normal intelligent human beings into complete idiots. I expect she was too ashamed to discuss it with you, so took the cowardly way out, thinking she was sparing your feelings. Possibly in the future you will be able to understand this and try to forgive her.
Was your earlier divorce just as traumatic? It was probably completely different, but perhaps you can remember what strategies you used to enable you move on.

Noni et all,
Many thanks for the tips. I am condidering them all. I am receiving treatment for the state she has left me in but for much of the other activities I still feel far too young,healthy and active to consider them yet. I am fortunate in that my carreer was a sporting one and as a by product of that keeping yourself fit was a pre requisite. As such at 64 I still have the head of a 45 year old I would guess and am active enough, or was, to enjoy that. Holidaying with 'singles' is not really my cup of tea, I have a place abroad so can visit there any time but it doesn't seem to be the same an my own.
I guess I need to come to terms with her not being here and hope in time I can meet someone with whom I can share what life has been good enough to give me. That however would be almost an impossibility given the way I hide away at the moment and I'm not certain now is the right time or when that time will be. I feel as though I will be too busy establishing if anyone is of a faithfull and caring nature and might possibly miss out on other equally good qualities. I guess I am confused having to do something I have never had to do before and not knowing where to start. Is it too much to ask for someone who cares and is as faithful as I am?

ps
I have just logged on after an absence and read your story and some of the postings here. I do feel for you. i have suffered a betrayal as well, after 40 years of marriage. The other woman also came to our house when I wasn't here, something I am still struggling with. There is no answer as to the "why" this happens. My H says he doesn't know, still, some 2 years later. H decided to stay with me, but the anger, grief and feeling of betrayal is still very much with me. I am trying to make our marriage work, but it is a very hair raising ride. But the point is, in a way I wish he had left me, then I could get on with my life. But it may still work, though I'm not sure about that. This may be something you don't want to hear, but I think there is never an easy way out of betray. Especially when it comes out of the blue, like it has for you. My advice is to try a different type of therapy. Go to your GP and tell him/her what is happening to you and ask for help. There should be help out there for you. I was in a deep depression and had help, but it still comes and goes, but not as badly as before. My GP recommended a counsellor and I went to a Human Givens therapist. They both helped me.
I am so glad to hear you have the support of your family, that is so important. When you feel strong enough you should learn or do something new. Learn bridge, join a walking group or whatever you are interested in.That way you will meet new people and begin to feel better and stronger. Or if you are still feeling like not going out, do or learn something on the net. There is so much out there. At least you will have contact with others, which is so important.
As everyone has said, we are all here for you, so keep posting. You will start to feel better and pick yourself up, i'm sure.

ps. I had a friend who was (so she thought) happily married for 27 years. They had everything. Lovely grown up children, beautiful house, holidays abroad. She found out that he was leading a double life and while he was working abroad had a 'girlfriend' who everyone assumed was his life partner. It almost destroyed my friend. After she confronted him, he started treating her really badly - he became someone she didn't recognise. She filed for divorce and he made things as difficult as possible for her. She had to seek medical help for the awful state she was in. She was in her early fifties and a lovely attractive woman. She eventually picked herself up, joined a local singles club (she was terrified of going but did it anyway). There she was made to feel really welcome and subsequently was invited on holiday with a group of people both male and female, just as friends. She did eventually meet a nice kind man who was lovely to her. I know this is easy for me to say and it's probably the last thing you feel like doing at the moment. But there are some good people out there and you will eventually come out of this awfulness I am sure.

Sorry to hear that ps. Could you even force yoursel just to wrap up warm and potter round your garden for a little while, when the sun is out? Just to hear the birds and feel the sun. I'm no expert at all, but hopefully a bit more time may bring a change in how you feel. Just worried you are going the wrong way, for your own health and well being. Thank God for the laptop eh.

sunflowersuffolk I have tried to 'socialise' if going for a walk or going shopping can be classed as that but I'm afraid failed miserably. I find that I need to get home as soon as humanly possible and lock myself in. That is in direct contrast to the person I was. I don't know why but I am concious that I am becoming a bit of a hermit.
I was hoping that once the long dark winter days brightened up things would change but today is sunny and bright and I have no intentions of leaving the house. In fact the last thing I did last night was check all windows and doors were shut and locked and I did the same this morning as soon as I got up. This has been a progressive feeling as during November and up to Christmas I was going shopping but then started struggling to do so. Hopefully the feelings will pass but I am concious that my laptop is my only contact with the outside world apart from work on Monday to Friday. Hopefully it will pass.

Hi ps, glad you sorted the locks, and are getting legal advice.

The worst thing now is how isolated you are, which isn't good for you, as I'm sure you know. Talking on here is one positive step you've taken - sometimes reading the varied posts maybe takes your mind off your own troubles, briefly.

I wonder if you could soon feel able to take the next step to start to meet others socially a little, as it would probably give you a boost and help your recovery - rather than being indoors for days on your own.

I know it's hard when you come out of a relationship to rejoin the human race on your own. May be it's too early for you, but even going to the library, the local shop, passing the time of day with people you meet, would cheer you up a little.

Time is not, in itself, a great healer. It depends on what you do with that time. In fact, you are still in recovery. You have been very hurt but, in the words of TS Eliot, 'Hell is oneself'. I think your priority should now be to 'escape' from yourself.

KatyK no we were not married. We had both been married and divorced before. Peculiarly enough I was going to pop the question around September 2013, get married (she had suggested it in the past) honeymoon in Rome (somewhere she had always wanted to go) then retire us both overseas into the sun by early April 2014. Not to be now alas, all the best laid plans of mice and men and all that.
annodomini Likewise I can affirm that the scar of desertion is far more painful than the trauma of bereavement, at least it is to me. Like you my two children have been supportive especially my son and his girlfriend. Geographically they are closer to me and far more mobile than my daughter who is in Hampshire and tied to the area with two young girls of school and pre school age. Like you I don't have many friends up here, in fact I know no one at all outside of work. Not a single soul so socialising, not that I want to at the moment, is a no no it seems. I don't frequent pubs and the only two people we did know (next door neighbours) whom we ate out with etc. emigrated to Australia earlier last year.
Five months and counting of talking to no one from 5pm to 9am next day is not conducive to maintaining sanity or a healthy outlook on life in general. I have often been told that time is a great healer but it has done nothing at all so far. I wait in anticipation.

I empathise with you completely, ps. I've been through the usual bereavements that people of my age have to suffer, but rejection has left far worse scars. You are left pondering the hows and the whys and never really get an answer. You are at the bottom of the pit but maybe in contacting us you have noticed that there's a ladder leading to a patch of blue sky above you. You have put a foot on it this week. When my ex left, I kept a diary recording my feelings, not necessarily every day, but when things started to overwhelm me - feelings of hurt and anger which I also recorded in (really appalling) poems. I was lucky in having teenage sons who were immensely supportive and have remained so, now into their forties. But the desertion affected them as well and I had to think about their feelings. After they flew the nest, I became a borough councillor and a grandmother - and, at last, my own woman. They say that time is a great healer, but there are other things - family for me was the greatest healer. I didn't have many friends around at the time as ex slung his hook only five months after we moved - coincidentally to the North West! Please keep in touch, even writing about mundane things is therapeutic.