Eldest Daughter problems, advice needed..

Stand your ground, optimistic. You have made it clear you will not be spoken to so rudely by an adult in your own house. Your intention to stand back and let that take root is wise. All the best .

I agree about your DH having a word in her shell-like , it is not really on how she is behaving !
((hug))

I won't be asking him to intervene as I know he doesn't want to get involved. My daughter does a very good job of always being right and can see that she does no wrong, its always someone else's fault. If he says anything to her she takes it we are ganging up on her and storms off, if anything he sees her side more as he knows how she over reacts.
I am going to leave her to talk to him as I know she will whilst I'm at work and I can only hope he is neutral and helps her see how I feel too because I know she doesn't want to listen to me.
She's 21 soon and is very critical of others and only hears her own opinions so I am stepping back, its times like this I wish my parents were alive to talk to.

It does rather sound like 'wait till your father gets home', but he does need to listen to both sides and perhaps mediate for the sake of harmony. My DH worked away so didn't want to be seen as unpopular when he came home but sometimes he could sort it out as he was one step removed from the row and could see both sides of the argument. Good luck, let him have a good sleep and a meal first!!

He's been working nights but is off tomorrow. .. see if anything happens then

Oh dear, I think she needs to know it's your house and you won't have her speaking to you like that or swearing however much you love her and however upset she is about what is going on. Where is Dad while this is going on? If he's hiding in the shed it really is not good enough, it's time he intervened.
That sounds bossy, sorry don't mean to, but I would have got DH to have a word by now however unpopular it made him and however reluctant he was ! And they still adore him.

Families!!

You've started to build bridges and that's what matters. She probably doesn't know how to handle this but you've held out the olive branch so why not give her a few days and see if her behaviour improves? She does sound more like a teenager than a 20 year old, but that's not unusual. When one of my daughters was that age, I found she would bat away attempts to have a discussion with her, but the very fact of me bringing an issue up would bring results without us having a 'big talk.'

Maybe just give her a hug to start with, tell her you love her and then leave it for a while.

Thanks Tegan... I'm feeling a little sad that things are so cold between us at the moment but I'm not going to be spoken to like I'm worthless when all I want is for everyone to get along.
Maybe one day, think I might be on here letting off steam a lot in the next few weeks :'(

Oh dear. Beginning to think she does need to grow up a bit . Keep your head down and come on here to let off steam [that works quite well;most of us have done it at one time or another!].

Things haven't quite worked out as I would have liked them. I waited up last night to talk but when she came in at 10.30 (with boyfriend) she was too tired and we agreed to talk after work. So I came straight home to sort things out. I was hoping we could arrange days we could go to the gym or for lunch together. As soon as she came downstairs I could tell she didn't want to talk to me, she was waving her hands saying I don't listen to her. So I said ok I'm here and won't speak I'll just listen but she said that she wasn't going to give a speech. I just said just talk and we can sort this that I love her but she stormed upstairs shouting. . I said if we dont sort this now I don't know what to do unless you want me to avoid you. To which she said yeah...
With the disrespect, rudeness and her not wanting to sort this out I see I have no choice for my own sanity I will keep out of her way and see if it blows over.
It either will or won't but I cannot keep going to try when her hostility shows she wants me as far away as I can go.
Thanks for all your advice but sometimes only time will help

That's how I see it, too, Petallus. It's a bit of a bugger when you get to 65 and realise that you really are the oldest, but at least I can do what your mum did and give the same advice.

'Fuck off' is such a commonplace expression these days. It can even be said in a friendly jovial fashion and of course it is all over tv!

Good luck with tonight optimisticnana1.

I often think of something my mother said about thirty years ago when I was having a lot of comflict with my then teenage DD.

I was all worked up and asking mum what she thought I should do and she replied

'It's up to you to sort it out because you're the oldest'.

At the time I smiled, thinking that was a bit simplistic,, but her words have often come to mind since and the advice has stood me in good stead.

While I like most of us think F***off is inapppopriate, no, actually downright rude, I nevertheless have some sympathy for your DD. Why is she still living at home though? I would have thought most girls would want to be sharing a flat with a gang of others by the age of 20 or don't kids do that anymore? Our 3 were always welcome at home but once they had gone to university they only ever came back in the holidays and although they still had "their" rooma, basically never lived at home after the age of 18/19. I can sympathise with her because she is in the small bedroom, she had the sense (as she may well see it ) not to get pregnant, but here you are understandably besotted with a new baby and she feels she has got the rough end of the stick. Sibling rivalry does not stop once the "terrible twos" are past and I can see why she feels squeezed out. Quality time together might help and making her feel she is special of course , but it also sounds as if she is ready to fly the nest and perhaps needs a little help to do that without a big fall-out.

I think you've both been hurting lately [I know whenever I went through a bad patch with my daughter I hurt inside terribly]. Perhaps, when you speak to her tonight it would be a good idea to start it off by asking her what she is 'feeling' [not that I'm an expert]; otherwise she might go straight into defensive mode. Good luck!

Sounds like progress, optimistic. Good luck

I messaged her this morning that I loved her and wanted to start afresh and we've agreed to talk tonight ... thanks, wish me luck.
With regards the youngest we made the best of what happened, her boyfriend stays so he can help with the baby or she'd be worn out.
They are planning to move out next year.. I will feel happier knowing they can cope...

I'm with MargaretX, When and Flower on this one. I agree it isn't ok to tell your mum to F off, at any age frankly. I do feel for the older daughter though.

On reflection I also think that the young couple should find their own place to live. There are schemes for social housing for young people with babies. It may mean you 'evicting' them and the girl moving to a hostel for a while with the baby but they have chosen to lay down and make a baby and are now responsible for themselves and the child.

I think that the resentment would come from the older girl having to give up her room. Why couldn't the mother of the baby stay in her room with a crib and the boyfriend remain with his parents if possible. It does seem very unfair and I would probably have felt the same.

Sorry to sound harsh but she really does sound as if she needs some TLC and understanding of the situation which was none of her doing.

Or even MargaretX!

I totally agree with MargaretM

I think someone of twenty is quite old enough to just 'muck in' if she still wants to live in her parents' house and to stop being a pain in the arse. Family teamwork.

There is no excuse for telling your mother to F off at that age. None. Nada. Zilch. It is, simply, unacceptable.

Not sure how I'd deal with it myself but it would certainly include "a piece of my mind" and the laying down of civilised ground rules. I would also expect the support of her father and he'd get a piece of my mind too if that wasn't forthcoming. I can't imagine it wouldn't be though.