Eldest Daughter problems, advice needed..

when Usually I would wholeheartedly agree with you. however, I am sure that she has tried all of that but her daughter is still being un grateful and dis respectful. Some children can be un kind and jealous of their siblings, it is just in their nature. I have seen it in my own family, it really is destructive behavior.

Some sisters would have been happy for their sister, if she had good supportive parents when needed, however this daughter is acting like a jealous school girl and should really be offering some help rather than hindrance.

Just my opinion.

Retaliating by ignoring and treating her like a spoilt child is not a constructive way for these parents to act - it will exacerbate things, add to the conflict, rather than address them by telling her she is loved and appreciated, and must speak respectfully to her mum from now on. She's feeling excluded, whether she can help it or not, and it can soon be remedied. How lucky is that baby, having parents, auntie and grandparents on hand during his first few months?

Hi optim Families ay who'd have em...

I personally think that the best thing you can do is just
IGNORE HER

She is totally doing it for the attention.

Also the thing were she tones it down when Dad is around, when she is being dis respectful, you be twice as nice to her--believe me it works! she will be totally confused and stunned.

Once she learns that her tantrums are not attracting the attention any more, she will give it up.

I know it is not nice to think that your own daughter is such a spoiled individual, it is just the way it is sometimes and hopefully ignoring her will give her time and space to figure it all out for herself.

What a minefield - her world changed and she had no say in it, and hasn't had enough experience of life to be able to cope with it patiently. Too broke to be able to afford to move out of what must be quite a noisy household, and maybe not quite ready to move out, either.

Every time she gets upset, just tell her that you love her, as the others have said, and that you would do the same for her, but that you are dealing with it the best way you can but are very happy that she didn't get pregnant at such a young age.

When I was 20, I couldn't bear babies! Small noisy instruments of torture, so my hormones would definitely not have been interfered with. She, of course, may be different. Maybe she is slightly jealous.

I agree with mishap and some of the other posts.

She should not speak to you like that and if she is Daddy's girl could Dad have a quiet word and say he knows things are difficult but it's not acceptable to speak to her Mum like that. I hope other daughter and boyfriend are pulling their weight re chores and rent. Your daughter is probably feeling jealous but can't articulate that so it comes out as rudeness towards you.

She needs to know you love her and if you appreciate small things even just her doing the washing up.
I too think your other daughter, boyfriend and baby (who I'm sure is adorable) need to find their own place. Are they more likely to be offered somewhere, which would be better than your older daughter being the one to go.

My aunt once said to me that my mother's health was not good because it was 'your fault, she had such a terrible time when you were born'. Which upset me greatly (I was about 16 at the time) and upset my mum as well.

Tell her you still love her just as much, despite the new arrival. They say each baby brings its own love with it, so there is always enough to go round.

Oh Optimisticnana what a dreadful situation you find yourself in.

IMVHO I think it is your 17 year old daughter, her partner and their baby that should be looking for somewhere else to live. I was pregnant at 17 (not proud of the fact but I lived to tell the tale). I gave birth to my son at 18. There was no question of me staying in the family home and nor would I have wished to. I agree with what MargaretX said in an earlier post. You really should be showing disappointment towards your younger daughter for becoming pregnant so young. I too feel sorry for your 20 year old daughter.

I am with margaretX on this one. Yes it is great that your 17 years old and her partner have held the relationship together at such a terribly young age, but I feel for your 20 year old, She is working, paying her way, has her boyfriend to stay occasionally, and does not get pregnant. her younger sister is celebrated for having a baby before either of the parents are in a position to look after themselves financially or even emotionally and gets all the praise!

I think she - the older one, should be praised for not becoming pregant at 17. All this having babies even if they are so cute as they are at 12 weeks,was a mistake but its happened now. Stick up for your older daughter. She did not ask to be born but if you can still bring this resentment about her birth up to the surface after 20 years - something for which she is not guilty of, then it shows that part of the problem lies with YOU.

I feel sorry for her at 20 having a baby in the house and younger sister being praised for producing it. All this cooing and smiling at the new baby. She must be sick of it.
Stand back. Don't enter into any arguements, keep smiling and say 'Ok then' or something similar. And cut down on baby adoration in her presence.

I moved out when I was 19 to live in a shared flat with another girls as my parents lived at the back of back of beyond and getting to work was very difficult by 'bus. My Mum didn't speak to me for three days when I prepared to leave but I would never have spoken to her in those terms. I think she was upset that I was going but couldn't find the words to express that as we were not a touch-feely family.

I got married at 21 and DH and I managed to buy a small cottage for £1600 (!) which my Dad helped decorate and for which Mum made the curtains so I reckoned I was forgiven!

I think by 20 most chicks are ready to flap their wings and leave the nest and maybe that's at the heart of Optimista's DD1's clear unhappiness.

Agree, I don't think it normal either, but it's a one off [I hope?]it shows how stressed she is feeling, and of course you are as well.Now I am older and look back I can see how sibling rivalry affected my family. Children [even grown up ones] are forever trying to see if you love one of them more, do you give gifts to one of them etc. Groan, it's a minefield.However, she does need you to tell her that you love her very much, and there will be jealousy about the grandchild. Good luck.

Ok ladies, I agree, it isn't 'normal' for a 20 year old to speak to a mother like that and none of mine ever have. I suppose I was seeing this particular 20 year old as acting like a young teenager from the description.

I do hope it gets sorted Optimista

As Mishap says tell her you love her. I tell mine every time I speak to them.

Sibling rivalry by the sounds of things your daughter is probably feeling really left out with having to move rooms and make way for your daughter her boyfriend & baby,she knows it is for the right reasons but that doesn't stop her being upset about it does it.
Its a pity you sent that e-mail as I do think it is a very impersonal way to give your feeling to a close family member but glad you tried to delete it and made amends with a new message.

The one thing that the message did not say is that you love her. I know you do not like her at the moment (and that is understandable, given her behaviour), but above all else she needs to know you love her whatever she might do.

My DDs are in their 30s and no phone conversation goes by without me telling them I love them.

Do it - please just do it! It won't wave a magic wand and make things instantly better; but she needs to know this.

I moved out when I went to uni. As medical students get very little holidays, it meant that I had moved out. I moved back for the year before my marriage, but was very relieved to move into my own house again.

It isn't normal for a 20 year old to speak to her mum like that but I don't think the family situation is totally normal [I don't mean that in a bad way].I moved back to my parents home when I was @19/20 and it just didn't work. I had a few arguments with my daughter that were of epic proportion [they were almost Shakesperean to the point hat I wanted to laugh sometimes and say 'I wish we were writing this down'], but she never told me to f off. What she did say though was, 'mum, once you'd lost your temper I'd won'. Funny age, 20. At the time you think you're so grown up but, looking back you're still almost a child [albeit a child with hormones].

When she complained that you did not thank her for washing the pots, pwehaps you could have said "Oh I didn't notice, Thank you." and then (with a smile) "But I wash them every day, do you thank me whenever I do them?" It could be a chance to suggest sharing the chores.

I don't agree that a twenty year old speaking to her mother like that is "normal". A twelve or thirteen year old maybe. Minibags has said it once to me. She won't say it again (not to me anyway) even if she thinks it.

DD1 moved out into a shared, rented house when she was twenty. Her decision entirely. There was no pressure. She was just ready to spread her wings and be independent. So was I at that age. I married at twenty-one.

DD2 went to work abroad when she was twenty.

Yes, do stay around optimist. You did absolutely the right thing to send another message. I hope you can find a way through it - you're obviously a close family.

Thanks everyone.. I feel more positive about the situation now which is a good start

Don't leave us optimist, come back under a new name! it is a great place to let off steam or have a laugh, instead of possibly blowing up at home. If you never mention Gransnet, the family is unlikely to ever look on here. If you share a computer, remember to clear your history after each visit.
This is a great place for advice, fun and information.
I hope things get easier soon.

I think you need to look at the situation from your older daughters point of view...she feels cut out from the family and is rebelling....i do think it was the wrong message to send out as it was all about you and your other daughter not asking how your older daughter is feeling about the situation and the best way to resolve things...

Oh dear. I hope you can remedy the situation.

Thank you for all your advice. Its a relief to know that this is normal behaviour for a twenty year old. I think because I moved out at 16 and was married at 20 I thought that my daughter didn't need mothering anymore.
I was angry last night and unfortunately did send the message but since have sent a nicer message following your advice.
I deleted my account hoping it would delete this message as I don't want my girls to read yhis but it didn't.
I have asked for this thread to be removed but I do appreciate your advice..
Lets hope things can get sorted, I do feel better knowing this is normal behaviour for a twenty year old.
Thank you

Agree, Please don't sent this message.

You really need to just state how you feel and what you expect.Then walk away and do not get into an argument. Please try not to point the finger it will just make things worse. Try not to say 'you do this or you do that and you make me feel. We are all responsible for our own feelings. We cannot change people unless they want to change.

Also I agree that any child must not be made to carry the guilt of a difficult birth or the fact that the parent carried her through pregnancy, that is what we do.

The 'fuck off' is pretty common amongst teenagers, yes, it is obnoxious and vulgar but it is pretty much what a lot of them say when angry.

My son was very difficult at 18 and he chose to live in separate accommodation because it was becoming unbearable at home, I was on the verge of a breakdown. We were lucky to find a wonderful lady who had a sort of 'half way' house for teenagers who were finding it difficult at home (there are a lot of them) He happily moved there but I know now that he has quite a lot of resentment about it. I did ask him to move back but he said that our relationship is good so it may spoil it.

Maybe try writing down the fact that you love her and choose somewhere neutral to meet, say a coffee shop or park to have a talk about how to progress. Again without recriminations or blame.

I hope it sorts itself out for you.

Oh dear....I'm afraid that sounds rather resentful. I hope you haven't sent it?