Eldest Daughter problems, advice needed..

I've read most of the post. has anyone suggested she spend more time with this daughter? One on one time together? both daughters need to feel special to there mum. My sister was jealous of me and it was because she felt my mum liked me more.Silly I know but emotions don't always make sense.

Sometimes you need to look at your own point of view as well .

I think it`s time your daughter had a taste of the real world.
It certainly is not not normal for a daughter to swear at her mother.
Respect works both ways. Talk to your husband and get him on your side.
He is obviously oblivious to what`s going on. Make him aware.
Sit down together, the three of you and make it clear that if she doesn`t change her ways, she will have to find somewhere else to live. How she does that is not your problem. Be very clear and mean what you say.
If she doesn`t comply, then pack all her things for her and leave them by the door for her to collect on the way out.
I know it may seem harsh, but she will find her way after all she has a boyfriend and probably could stay there. She probably wont think so at the time but you would be doing her a great favour and it would make her a better person, having to fend for herself.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Good Luck!

Oh well done optimistic - it must be so hard for you but I am sure things are heading in the right direction.

I have had my ups and downs with my daughter who is now almost 50 but no matter what we are able to talk about it later.
Maybe you are short on a few boundaries like if they want to live here there must be boundaries.
Of course it would seem that she is jealous of her sister but that should be between the 2 of them not you. it maybe a long standing jealousy.
I sympathise with you because it is horrible to have cross ups with your children but it would seem it was time for her to move out or zip up.
Have you thought of having a family conference and where is your husband in all of this does he not put his foot down.
maybe if you all sat down together as a family to each taking turns to speak about what is upsetting them, not accusing others or being critical but trying to find a route through. It is scary but will make a difference.
Maybe you could find a family friend to act as an adjudicator?

optimistic well done, I think you are doing all the right things now.
I hope things continue to improve, as it must be pretty busy in your house

Hi optimisticnana1 (good name) absolutely the right thing to do, keep telling her you love her. The saying that children need loving most when they are at their most unlovable remains true long beyond the terrible twos - my two are now well into their 30s. Our children have their own homes and live some distance from us. But much as our daughter was thrilled to become an aunt, she was worried about the changes in family relationships this would bring and several times, although it was said in a jokey manner, asked if I would still love her or would love her less.

We made a point of taking her out for a meal in the midst of the 'new baby euphoria' for some 'adult time' alone, and to talk about her life. More difficult for you as you live under one roof but it is so much more difficult for today's young adults to find a place of their own than it was for ours, economic times have changed dramatically. Try to keep your sanity in the midst of this, things will get better - and don't try too hard to change your DH - sounds similar to mine and they are assets in other ways! .

Good luck and remember you can always come here when you need to vent

I've removed the restriction with her boyfriend staying, now he can stay whenever she wants him to. Trying to see everything from her point of view.
Thank you for all your advice, hopefully things will start improving if I keep looking at her point of view x

Thanks...I'm trying....
Last night I hugged her before she went to her bf and said I love her. She said she loves me but wants me to listen. I've said I'm trying. ..
Watch this space

I remember when DD2 aged 19 was getting snappy because her sister's boyfriend was forever at our house and eventually she explained to me that she felt it as an intrusion into our family life, couldn't come home and really relax, flop,about in PJ's etc., something both girls did at home before the boyfriend so possibly your DD is feeling something similar optomistic and she has had to adapt to a different household too except in her case, on a more permanent basis. However, her behaviour and language are, as you already know, unacceptable.

I would let things calm down, tell her you love her and you understand the changes at home are a bit difficult at present but it's not forever then later when she is reassured explain that her behaviour and swearing at you are not in fact acceptable.

All the best and I really hope things calm down for you and you have more harmony at home again.

I'm thinking it might not be easy for DD to find other accommodation in these straightened times.

Anyway, I think it would be a retrograde move to ask her to move out. I imagine she would feel terribly rejected.

As my 30 something daughter said to me not long ago - " I don't know, you're the grownup. You're supposed to be the one to stay calm!".

Don't burn bridges, but do ask DH for support, he doesn't have to take sides to be supportive.

Nobody is takling about 'going all strict and throwing her out'- but write to her calmly about how you love her and how you understand she may well feel pushed out by the new baby and dad living in, etc- but that perhaps, for her sake and yours, and the others- a break and time to think may be helpful. If she was 15 or 16, it would be very different- as she is an adult and 21 .... and I think this makes a huge difference really.

A word of support from me for those counselling attempts to calm the emotional atmosphere down. If you ask your daughter to leave in these circumstances, I fear it could damage relationships within the family. I'm not defending bad behaviour, swearing and displays of temper. Could you continue to try and talk with her about why she is behaving like this (assuming it isn't an established pattern of behaviour that is)
I empathise with your situation, it's so exhausting and debilitating, isn't it.

More than likely Soutra !
GNHQ CAN be patriotic !

The only way to solve this one is to try and "walk in her shoes" a bit. You are the more mature person and it may fall to you to be the one who does this. I feel that this lass is hurting - why or how, who knows - but she is certainly not happy.

I am assuming that she has not always behaved like this.

New babies are very seductive - they hoover us in and you will be wanting to support your younger DD. But maybe this other lass has needs too.

Tread gently - I do not think ultimatums are the way forward. Of course her behaviour is unacceptable, but for her to be doing this is evidence of her distress. Remain calm; stay firm that you cannot discuss things as long as she is swearing at you; but try not to be angry and judge her - boy does this lass need you just now!

I am with Gill57 and whenim64 here. I feel quite strongly about it.

I can't see that coming over all strict or throwing DD out will do any good although, having said that, it does depend on what you want to achieve.

I am just wondering if you feel resentful to your daughter. Do you feel your husband is siding with her?

If you want to establish a peaceful and more harmonious relationship with DD I think you will have to give it time, plenty of time.

In other words, you've got to be a bit of a saint. Can you manage that?

I'm with nonu and GillT57 on this but a conversation needs to be held before tensions build up to an explosion.
PS I like the new Spring emoticon! - is that in honour of Saturday??

Yes, I feel some slack and space to let things settle down is wise, not a showdown. You've told her there's an issue that needs sorting and she's trying to avoid what she expects to be a telling off. Gives you time to show you love her just as much and that there are boundaries about behaviour - gives her time to save face and start to be more reasonable.

To be candid that thought had drifted through my mind!!

I hate to go against the general opinion here, but I still feel sympathy for your eldest daughter. Yes, her swearing at you is wrong and everyone, whatever their age should be able to go about their life without being sworn at or swearing at other members of the household. But.....your comment about 'we would have done the same for her if she was pregnant' disturbs me a little, and it does come across almost as praise for the 17 year old getting pregnant. I am sure you are doing what you can to help the 17 year old, but it is not ideal having a child when you have never even had a job let alone paid your own rent. I am not blaming you or your youngest daughter, but I think the 20 year old needs some slack here, she sees her sister getting all the praise for being a good mother, getting the best room etc. you still seem to be blaming her and to be honest I think you need to act the adult and take control, politely tell her that swearing and shouting will not be tolerated, but when you have this conversation, do make sure that you dont shout at her. ( we have all done it!). Not trying to tell you that you are wrong, but just try to see it from her point of view.

I think that to write a letter, as granjura suggests, is a very sensible way forward. You can have your say and keep your dignity. The problem is with your daughter...not you. You have every right to expect to live in your own home, on your terms. I would not give in. I would not tip toe around her. I wish you a satisfactory outcome to what must be a totally depressing state of affairs.

Optimisticnana, this is so hard for you. But also very unhealthy for all of you. It is impossible to advise as there maybe hidden factors none of us- nor you are aware of. I am trying to think of worst scenario and thinking- perhaps she is pregnant? Or was and felt she had no choice but to have a termination. Or drugs of some kind, which can truly lead to quite violent changes of mood- etc.

But whatever the problem is- I don't think you should share a roof any longer, if she refuses to talk or be civil- which is a form of blackmail, really. Write to her to say you love her, and would love to understand how and why she is hurting so badly- that you are there for her, always- but that if she refuses to talk and is rude as she is now- she has to leave for a while and make her own way. That you would love to help and support her- but that living like this is just not good for anybody- perhaps acknowldege that you can understand she feels her nose out of joint due to the baby and her sister getting the larger room, etc. but ask her what choice you had in the circumstances. Very very hard- but you can't keep walking on eggshells and hiding in your own home. Thinking of you and hoping you will find a way.

My daughter stormed out when she was almost 18, she never came home that night but I knew she was OK because her boyfriend (devoted to her) never rang to speak to her or to come round (found out she was living across the road with her friend's family) sneaking in when I was at work to get clean clothes and telling her dad (my ex) that she had left home. I packed her things in five bin bags and left them on her bed with a letter telling her that I loved her very much, that I had realised that she had left for good but that she was welcome to come home but to know that SHE was living with ME and that I would not tread on eggshells any more around her.

She phoned me later that day and come home. We hugged and things have been lovely ever since. What I am trying to say is that it is YOUR house and if she cannot live with you peacefully and with out you having to tip toe around her and feel uncomfortable then maybe she should find her own place to live.