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Young new parents

(17 Posts)
Jen67 Sat 10-May-14 23:18:23

Hello, my son and his new wife have just had their first babe, my son has only just joined the army and passed out and they've moved into an army house , so first time away from home for my dil. She is apparently being rather bossy with ds and they are bickering a lot. They have only been tog a wee while anyway and I hate to think of ds being unhappy. I feel las if I've been through the mill and back since ds first left home to join the army as everything has happened in the last ten months or so!!! He left for army, found out about babe, got married, and moved into house!!!! Now I just want them settled but I hear they're bickering. Sorry to rattle on but I feel emotionally in a tizz.....again. Just as I hoped things would it early days still??? Help!

Aka Sat 10-May-14 23:26:45

Sounds like a normal couple with the stress of a first baby. Try not to worry Jen .... is DS your only child?
I still stress if I think my DS and DiL are bickering, even though they've been married 14 years and have a family. It's what mothers do and it's perfectly normal.

Jen67 Sat 10-May-14 23:30:41

Hi aka, Thankyou for such a quick response! No I have a younger ds too....I didn't say that my ds is only just 21 and dil is only 18....I guess that doesn't help either....she must feel a bit all at sea too I guess. I hope things will settle down but I just feel up and down and up then down again.....just wish ds was still little and at home and school again!!!,

Nelliemoser Sat 10-May-14 23:38:30

Jen67 Sorry to hear about this, there will be plenty of people who can offer advice on Gransnet but I doubt if there are enough people around to write on this at this time of night.

What I suggest is that tomorrow morning you go back into this thread which will be found in "last day" and write "bump" on it just to get it back into view so people looking at the last hour thread will see it and you will find it will get going during the day.

Many of us have had worries like this.

Grannyknot Sun 11-May-14 00:20:30

Jen my son also got married, and my DIL fell pregnant straight away, plus he had to move away from where he was living with his wife, to start a new job the month in which they got married, all of this has happened within the space of the past 9 months. They only saw each other on weekends. My DIL has just stopped work so she will be joining him, BUT not in the flat where he has been living, because they are moving together to a bigger place next week. We see quite a lot of them, and sometimes they bicker (they both confide in me confused ) - but is it any wonder that there is a bit of 'sabre rattling' going on when people have to contend with so many life changes.

I provide support to both of them (sometimes even at the same time!) smile sometimes one on one, without getting too involved.

Your son and DIL have had a lot to contend with. I'm fully expecting my two to settle down, but I'm not surprised that people clash when there's adjusting going on under these sort of circumstances, so I don't stress about it.

Congrats on your new grandchild.

Agus Sun 11-May-14 06:35:55

My first thoughts on reading your post Jen were! who is telling you about your DiL being bossy and that they are bickering? If it's your DS, remember, this is his version of the story, if it's not him then whoever is telling you this should mind their own business as they don't know the full facts.

They are both having a lot of adjustments to make very quickly and I'm sure your DiL's mother is probably feeling like you and equally concerned about them.

This is a new role for you too and you will also need time to adjust and all you can really do is offer your support and,let them know you are there for both of them. They will get there the same as we all did so try not to worry too much although I know from experience, that's easier said than done. flowers

Jen67 Sun 11-May-14 08:03:10


Jen67 Sun 11-May-14 08:05:33

Hi Angus, ds mentioned it to dh yesterday..dh tried to say it's all normal and will take a while to settle....ds is a worries too tho!hmm

Jen67 Sun 11-May-14 08:11:59


rosequartz Sun 11-May-14 09:53:07

They are both very young and have a lot of adjustments to contend with in a very short time. I don't think this is at all unusual.

She is probably very anxious and away from family with a new baby and he has a new job to get used to. Perhaps he is very busy with his army dutues and she may feel she needs more support - it is very daunting being responsible for a new life and not having your mum or a sister around to help and advise.

I think that if they are living in quarters there should be a good network of support from other wives so I hope your DIL can find some 'sisterly' care and advice. She may be feeling hormonal as well, all an enormous upheaval in both their lives.

Whatever you do, don't start taking sides, but be there to support both of them.

I do hope they manage to find their own way forward and become a happy family unit. There is help available if needed, but I would hope she can make friends and they can both articulate their feelings to each other and sort it out between themselves.

Mishap Sun 11-May-14 10:13:00

This sounds about par for the course really - new babe, new home, new job - all majorly stressful happenings that would test the strongest and most secure of relationships.

They need time to settle down and sort things out between themselves with your offers of practical support in the background. You cannot offer counseling advice because that is difficult to do without taking sides. But you can be caring - that will mean a lot to both of them.

The truth is that this is a precarious and shaky situation that may or may not work out as you might wish. Your role is to be as supportive as you can without actually interfering and to have an eye to the future. If this relationship sadly does not weather the storm you need to think what you can be dong now that will secure happy relationships with all parties, including your grandchild.

You talk of having been "though the mill and back" and being in an "emotional tizz" and I am wondering if you need to try and distance yourself from the situation a bit. We all feel an indescribably close tie to our children and worry when life does not seem to be going well with them, but the truth is that, once they are adults, they have their own lives to lead and we can only be on the periphery. These two young people need to work things out in their own way. It is hard to stand back, as I know only too well from personal experience, but if this relationship is to survive they need to work it out in their own way - this is one of the processes that creates strong long-term relationships.

You need to be strong and be there for them - if they sense that you are in a tizz too, then you cannot help them - they will have you to worry about too then!

I do hope that in time things will settle down for them.

Mishap Sun 11-May-14 10:18:41

Just another thought - if we involve ourselves in our children's relationships problems we really are stepping into a minefield - we might be the recipient of a grumble about one person, and then the next day they become love's young dream, and all parties are embarrassed and uncomfortable - you, for being the recipient of personal information, and the person who shared it for speaking out. Not a good idea to step on these particular mines!

Years ago, one of my children used to ring and grumble about partner and weep and wail and I used to steel myself to be as dispassionate (whilst still being caring) as possible. How glad am I that I did - they are now the happiest of couples with a lovely young family.

ninathenana Sun 11-May-14 10:19:31

DD got married at 18 and moved from our family home to married quarters in Germany. DD is very out going but even she struggled to find the opportunity to make friends at first. SiL was working all sorts of hours and often away from camp for weeks at a time. I don't think she was particularly happy for the first six months or so, though she never said anything to me smile When she had DGS#1 two years later, she found lots of mummy friends.
You grandchild (congratulations BTW) will help DiL to make friends. I'm sure she must be missing her family and friends at the moment. That won't help things. As has been said, give them time. It's all been a big upheaval for them both.

rosequartz Sun 11-May-14 10:29:50

I do know that there are enormous problems encountered when young married soldiers come back from overseas or from exercises to find that they are expected to come home to mundane domestic duties, a baby who may be fretful and a wife who may expect more support after being on her own than they feel able to give. They will also miss the camaraderie of their colleagues.

There is welfare support available if they get to the point of needing that, but I hope they can sort things out before they go down that route. The Army Welfare Service is there if needed and SSAFA can also offer support.

I think bickering is quite normal especially with all they are going through; be there to offer support but don't take sides or listen to just one side of the story. You may be feeling emotional because you will be missing him as well.

glammanana Sun 11-May-14 10:56:48

Jen67 these young people are also getting used to each other after such a short time together and the ajustment must be huge for them,your DIL will also be getting used to the Army regulations concerning their home which can be daunting there will be support for her and the baby when you DS is either away or training there will be information in the booklet they received when they first moved in.
I worry about my DS and his new wife but tend to stand back until they ask for any help and they seem to be doing OK,just give advise when asked and smile at the right time.Try not to get stressed & relax flowers for you.

Jen67 Sun 11-May-14 17:58:52

Oh gosh everyone , Thankyou all so much for words of wisdom and supportsmile I guess I do need to step back a give it a go!!! Haha

Jen67 Sun 11-May-14 18:52:18

Thankyou glam mañ