Family get togethers

Well done !!!

Well done. Many years on I'm finding that events like this are just fine. Ex + 2nd wife and I just co-operated beautifully over months of planning a big wedding. All went more smoothly than I ever could have imagined. You are doing exactly the right thing and I wish you well. Enjoy your independence!

Well done it'll be easy now. Have a great life on living on your own it's great!

Well done from me too Nansypansy I am sure it will be so much easier the next time and you have showed HIM that you are not curled up and dying in a corner, you are your own woman and you are out there ! so glad you did it. Well done.

Well done, so glad you got over the hurdle!

Well done that woman! I bet you were quaking at first but feel totally empowered now. Good for you.

I hope the focus will be on your DGD and hoping she is enjoying her party without being aware of any tension. Go for her sake.
There will be many family occasions to look forward to over the years and you can't miss them all because he will be there. The first time will be the worst, a hurdle to get over, but I think other family members will be keeping an eye out in case he says anything untoward and be ready to step in quietly.

So pleased that you gritted your teeth and went - and enjoyed the celebrations in the end. The path of independence isn't always easy, but you've broken through a major barrier. Enjoy your life!

Well done Nansy we knew you could do it!
I'm so pleased for you, and a huge boost to your confidence too!

I am so proud of you, nansy, I know how difficult these occasions can be. Enjoy the rest of your life with no regrets!

You did well nansy, sounds like you now have your confidence back.

Well done! Bet you feel proud of yourself now and no fear of future family gatherings

Well done that girl

Oh well done nansy - I expect that from now on you'll be much more comfortable at these sorts of events. I'm sure the rest of your family were pleased to have you with them and especially your granddaughter.

Great to hear how well you managed it, nansy.

Well my gransnet friends I did it!! I went! He was already there when I arrived and I bee lined my granddaughter to start with. Other people came and spoke to me, then finally he came over to me (I had already decided that I would not be making the first move) It was a bit awkward at first - it was really quite strange because it didn't take long to start chatting and 'catching up'. I'm glad the ice was broken, and as one of you said, it'll get easier at these types of family events. However, although previously I was reluctant to accept the end of my miserable marriage, I don't have any regrets now as I feel perfectly safe and comfortable on my own with a feeling of freedom. This situation is not my preference, as I would have loved to have had a reciprocal relationship with him. But he killed my feelings a long time ago. So now I am obliged to make the best of things. Thanks for all your advice and support - it's great to have such lovely, though invisible, gransnet friends.

Nansypansy, I hope you manage to be strong this weekend and attend the 'do'. Your GD will be hurt if you don't go, I am sure, so look your best and show him that he can't hurt you any more!

I have been there, done that, got the Tshirt, know how you feel. The first occasion is the worst and will soon be over.

Do let us know how it goes.

I hope the venue for this celebrations is quite big because there are loads of GNs right behind you - in fact I imagine we will have to hire a bus!

Nansypansy - I imagine your ex will be a little curious to see you and he will be wondering how you've been getting on. If you don't go he will think it's because you can't, or don't want to, face him and he would be right. I don't think for a second that you want to give him that satisfaction, so for your own sake as much as your granddaughter's you're going to go aren't you? So then it's just a question of how you manage the event. You say you think your ex has destroyed your confidence forever, but I don't think he has you know - you just need a bit of practice to restore it. In the long run the only reliable way to feel more confident about this kind of family gathering is to just keep turning up and you'll get more proficient and comfortable as time goes on. Accept there's going to be an awkward learning phase at first, where you won't feel particularly confident, but you need to put yourself through it anyway. What you really want to focus on is being able to gently make yourself practice and build for the future even if you're not overflowing with boldness. Then when it comes time for your son's big birthday event it will be easier - and so on thereafter.

Grandchildren will not understand why you don't go only that you were not there and might think it was because you didn't want to go because of them. I agree with everyone that you should go . Dress up put on an Oscar winning performance and enjoy yourself. Taking photos is good and you have made lovely memories. I also left an awful man after 41 years of marriage and am so much happier. Because of his actions to me my daughters have cut him off so I don't have to face him at family occasions so am luckier than you but I have had to face him in different other situations and wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing how difficult I found it I hate him and wouldn't let him beat me. If you don't go he has won.

Take care, have a lovely time and let us know what happened.

I agree, try to take someone with you. Have you any male friends who could accompany you?

Put on your best glad rags, hold your head up high and just remember that you left because you are worth more than the insults this awful man gave you. He is only a man, one man, one measly little man who can only feel better about himself while putting someone else down. He is not worth your time or even a glance in his direction any more. Enough time has been wasted thinking about what he wants or needs, it's on your terms now, your life. Be strong and know that he cannot hurt you again. Especially when surrounded by your loved ones.

And when it's all over, relax with a lovely cup of tea and the warmth and love of your beautiful cats.

Take care.

The first time is the worst then it becomes easy.As others have said you should make sure you look your best and smile like you haven't got a care in the world! Could you take a close friend or family member with you so you don't have to walk in alone. I find nowadays my ex has to talk about how much money he spends on holidays and his wife stalks me to make sure he is not talking to me despite the fact he left me for her!

Just picked out a few words from all the great posts.... head up, chin up, perfume, hair done, clothes you like best,

Smile.... like a queen of all you survey.
there will only once ever be a 'First'.
Act your cotton socks off, let everyone see what a wonderful time you are having.

It's hard to not remember the horrible things that have been said, it's like picking away at a scab.... But 'he' doesn't have to know how much they hurt. And remember that at the time he was probably thinking of the most horrible things he could say..... and actually didn't truly mean all of it.

Could you ask your DD to make sure you have someone nearby for support. Just so there is always someone to talk to.

nansy please don't refuse as your family may stop inviting you - not because they don't want to but because they think that you don't want to see them and don't want to put you through any difficulty.

You could always plan a family "do" of your own and then have it totally relaxed without your "ex"

Oh yes, do go! As others have said, there's no reason you should be put off from going because of your ex.

At both my DC's weddings, my ex and I attended, but kept our distance from each other. It was fine and there was no way that I would have missed either because of him!

Last year my BiL died and I wasn't sure whether to attend the funeral, but decided that I'd probably regret it if I didn't - I'd known him for 45 years. So, filled with trepidation I went, only to be warmly greeted by all my ex's family, who said how much they missed me. I was stunned! My ex and I manage 'Hello' and that's it, but at least it's civil.

Time spent with GCs is so precious and parties are such fun things to remember. You can always take refuge in the kitchen if need be!