Parenting - Penelope Leach

It's probably more to do with the tight lips and angry glances they encounter at changeover time. My daughter used to get very stressed, she could tell the time from a very early age and knew when her daddy was late taking her back. She knew I would be annoyed. I would try not to show it in front of her, but they can tell from your body language. However, I used to tell her, he is your father and you need to see him to stay close, he loves you. I still hold by that, no matter how much stress it caused me. I believe that a child needs as much family network and support as they can get to help them to cope with life, even if it is from someone I dislike intensely. (When you are young and ignorant it takes a while to recognise an alcoholic racist misogynist.)

I agree Janerowena I would imagine it's how it's done that matters, and the relationship between the parents.
I don't think separation from the mother is bad in itself.
From the age of two I spent a night each week at my grandmother's house. This was to allow Mum a bit of peace and quiet and to enjoy my younger sister, though of course that's not what I was told at the time.
This involved not being shunted by car, but by 3 different buses.
I loved going to Grandma's.

I think Penelope Leach is treading on dangerous ground, suggesting that only mothers can be the main carers for pre-school children.
What about the many children who spend 8 hours a day or more being cared for in nurseries? Is she against that too?

I would think it's good for a child to have sleepovers at Dad's. Especially for boys. Cannot imagine my two GS's being separated from their beloved dad for very long. Does she also think it's damaging for under fours to stay at granny's house for a night or two? So long as the child is happy with it, it's fine.

I think this article is very blinkered. Suggesting that a child shouldn't have a sleepover with their father is awful and quite distressing and will no doubt damage the father/child relationship long term. My son had no contact with his dad when he was young. Not that I didn't try but the loser his dad just wasn't interested he was too busy playing the guy about town to be any sort of a decent parent. Anyway, I feel my son really missed out by not having his dad around him.

I agree with the point made by janerowena that the stress comes when seperated parents have "issues" and can't be nice and civil to each other when changing over. The child must pick up on these bad vibes.

Exactly janeainsworth what about those children whose mothers go out to work and the children spend time with family members and/or nursery?

Yes, it's more about the way it's done than a blanket 'this is not good for very young children.' I wonder if Penelope Leach will expand on this (or maybe she has and, as usual, the press has taken it out of context). She's right to express concern about disrupting children's secure attachments, so I agree with her there, but if the attachment to dad is solid, and the child is benefiting from the routine, maybe it's good enough. My DD wants her children to keep a close relationship with their dad and they enjoy being with him, but he won't cooperate with her and sabotages childcare arrangements, which frequently affects their behaviour as they adjust to being back home with mum.

We've seen on Gransnet that some mums who are trying to alienate the other parent are damaging the attachment with their children themselves. I'd be interested to know details of the subjects of Leach's research. We would all probably agree that very young children who can't cope with being separated from mum shouldn't be forced to, but there are constructive ways of enabling children to be away from mum for the odd night without causing irreparable harm.

Aren't these pundits so very tiresome. Every case is different.

I did bring my daughter up by her books, but I feel she is sadly out of date in this instant. When she wrote her books there were far fewer divorces. It was over 30 years ago. My DD was born in 1985 and the books had already been out for years.

There was a programme I caught the tail end of last night and it was a father saying goodbye to his little 5 year old daughter at the security gate of an airport. She was travelling alone - well with an airline chaperone - back to Paris where she lived with her mother. She was very upset at leaving her daddy. He was asked how long she'd been with him this time and he replied a week.

What made me cross was that the father thrn took a deep breath and said he was going off to the pub. OK there was nothing much he could do except go home - but it bugged me that he chose the pub whilst his little girl was up in the air - probably literally and metaphorically!

That sort of situation must be very stressful all round - mum, dad, and daughter. The little girl is having to learn independence early and the father wants to see his child. A very difficult situation.

I've travelled with quite a few children like that, it's very sad. I've looked around for their parents when they have needed help with food, and discovered that they are all alone, costs prohibiting them being accompanied and the air stewards frankly not bothered. Often met at the other end by parent with new family, when what the child really hopes for is some time alone with the parent.

Mishap you said it!