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doesnt look after his self

(25 Posts)
angiebaby Mon 23-Jun-14 17:25:12

my better half doesnt look after himself,,,,,im constantly telling him to get showered,,,or change his clothes,,,wash his hands etc, there is always something, we are both retired and i feel i do everything,,,it drives me mad, i noticed his feet,,,,i was in a state of shock,,,,,,,,,i told him to go and get his feet sorted out, i have always looked after myself try to look nice at all times,,,,but he doesnt look after himself for me,,,,,he has burst my bubble when he used to be so handsome,,always looked nice and smelled nice..........what can i do...any advice girls, ????

kittylester Mon 23-Jun-14 17:32:39

Is he depressed Angie? My Dad became depressed when he retired and, eventually, Mum refused to make him coffee until he had showered. It was a while before we realised that he was anything other than being lazy! sad

Soutra Mon 23-Jun-14 20:08:37

Tough love - that's what he needs!

rosesarered Mon 23-Jun-14 20:34:04

It does sound as if there is a real problem here, and depression could well be it, as kitty says. Tell him what you feel, that he always used to make an effort and that you still love him and want him to make the effort that he used to.

Marelli Mon 23-Jun-14 20:40:46

Hello, angiebaby - it's a while since you've posted smile. I remember there had been a few things that you were trying to sort out within your family - could your husband's behaviour perhaps be an after effect of this? Please forgive me if I've spoken out of turn.

Eloethan Mon 23-Jun-14 23:27:07

I too thought it may be depression, or is he feeling generally unwell?

Perhaps you should tell him that it upsets and worries you, and ask him if there is anything wrong.

wondergran Tue 24-Jun-14 01:00:08

Does he have any routine in his life or any hobbies? Sometimes it's easy to let ourselves go if there isn't any reason to bother ie doesn't have to look presentable for work etc.
sounds like he could have lost all motivation and needs a hobby to get him interested in the world again.

numberplease Tue 24-Jun-14 02:09:51

Angiebaby, and I thought I was the only one with a slovenly husband! Mine doesn`t SEEM depressed, and it`s not a sudden thing, he`s never been THAT clean and tidy, but just lately has gone from bad to worse.

angiebaby Wed 25-Jun-14 10:43:00

hello girls,,,,,thanks for all your comments nice to know grans care,,,,i have tried getting him out,,,he only likes cricket that takes him out of the house weekends saterday sometimes sunday,,,,,,,i tried taking him swimming,,,,that dont work,,,gardening,,,,nope,............i ask him if anything is wrong he says he is fine,,,,,,,,,he comes out with me sometimes but he isnt interested in anything really, i tried taking him to london 45 mins away on the train,,,,to the v and a museum, i said we will go and have lunch in harrodds,,,,then walk up to museum,,,it was a nice day, he didnt want to even look in harrods windows,,,,,he enjoyed the museum,,,,we had a nice lunch in there and then he wanted to come home,,,,,i said lets go to convent garden,,,,but no he wanted to come home,,,,,,so kinda spoilt my day,,,,,i wont do it again,,,i will go on my own, he has no male freinds all the people he knows are all my freinds,...............he doesnt look after his self,,,i am getting fed up with it all ,,,,,like i said he has burst my bubble,,,,,,,,,he is retired of course,,,cant get him i will just leave him, he is a quiet man .i think that says it all,,,,,i said lets drive up to scotland stop where we like,,,,,,,im not going all that way he said all grumpy,,,,so blow it,,,,,im off on my own,,,,,,,hope your well here is a hug,,xx,,,angiebaby,,,,( angela )

HildaW Wed 25-Jun-14 10:53:23

Sounds an awful lot like depression to me.....lack of motivation is classic. The trouble is the person who is depressed can literally not see the wood for the trees. The depression somehow removes the self awareness. Once you have come through it, you can look back and recognise the symptoms - but at the time you just feel that this is what life is like.

Both my husband and I are technically retired but we sort of joke that we have not been more busy (though I'm good at being lazy when I want to).
I think that a trip to the GP is in order, perhaps you can go on your own first, give the surgery a ring and explain your worries. Also perhaps he needs to be talked to by someone other than yourself....a close family member or similar. All the best.

Soutra Wed 25-Jun-14 11:28:30

I wonder if it really is "Depression " or perhaps he is just enjoying doing his own thing (nothing) now he is retired! Cricket at weekends sounds OK and he did go to London with you. Wise man keeping away from that tatty tourist trap Harrods I haven't been in it for 10 years and vowed never again, not the Harrods I remember! Perhaps a word wirh cricketing friends though to see if they are worried? He clearly neeeds another reason to get up in the morning but maybe you haven't found the right one.

glammanana Wed 25-Jun-14 13:02:02

We are both retired offically and have been for 5 years now and never been more busy,it does sound as though your hubby is missing the company he had when he was working maybe,has he been retired for long and just got into a rut ? could he not look to volunteer his skills he had at work in a positive way at all,at my DGSs school some gentlemen come into the 6th form and give insight as to what kind of career they may be interested in.
I would certainly take him to task regard personal hygiene and refuse to put up with it,it only takes 10mins a day to be presentable even if you are going to be in relaxed mode.

Galen Thu 26-Jun-14 13:41:10

How's his memory?

Eloethan Thu 26-Jun-14 17:15:12

It does sound like you're quite an energetic person but perhaps for your husband your London day out was a little ambitious in its scope. You had a 45 min train journey each way. You looked round the museum (which you say he enjoyed). You had lunch (which you apparently enjoyed). Then you wanted to go to Covent Garden. Maybe he was tired by then, especially if he has got out of the habit of going out, and London can feel quite overwhelming if you're not used to all the bustle and noise. Shopping is not always at the top of men's list of priorities (or women's either) and I think in that respect he is not unusual.

It can be frustrating when you want to go places and see things and your other half is not very enthusiastic (I feel the same sometimes) but perhaps if you slightly lowered your expectations you would not feel so upset. If he feels you are angry and disappointed after your day out together, he may feel less inclined to want to repeat the experience.

The personal hygiene aspect would upset me too. Have you mentioned to him that it upsets you and that, when you make such an effort with your own presentation, you feel his lack of care means that he's not bothered about how he appears to you?

Elegran Thu 26-Jun-14 17:50:51

Angie He is quite right about driving all the way up to Scotland . It is a long way, though not nearly such a long journey as it was in the fifties. You are 45 minutes from London so you have most of the journey from London to do.

Cut the man some slack and take on board that he finds it fatiguing to spend a day in London or a day driving north. How old is he? Is he completely well?

There must be other ways of doing things together?

sparkygran Thu 26-Jun-14 18:29:12

Angiebaby I would be in the suffering from depression camp he has many symptoms of that affliction and as suggested before I would talk to his GP and voice your concerns. Leaving him to his own devices may be the answer but it could also escalate the problem.

Grannyknot Fri 27-Jun-14 10:43:37

Angie many women would love a quiet man who likes to do his own thing.

But - as for the not taking care of himself, that could just be that his default position is "slob". I'm not so sure that I'd jump to the "maybe he is suffering from depression" conclusion. Some people are just in need of the proverbial kick up the backside about certain things, aren't they? We all need a little nudge from time to time. My husband told me this week that I badly need a haircut. And he's right of course, I just haven't been bothered to get to the hairdresser ...

rosequartz Fri 27-Jun-14 12:11:08

I have to nag DH to get a haircut, although he is clean and looks tidy when we go out. I threw out some more disreputable clothes that he wore around the house, but my dear friend used to say that her otherwise respectable husband clung on to a very holey jersey which he insisted on wearing every day. DH used to ask me to mend large holes in jumpers until I started to refuse pointblank and put them in the bin.

Not showering or even just washing would cause me to get annoyed, though. Perhaps he thinks now he doesn't have to go out to work he can just be lazy and slob around, but I would tell him he needs to be hygienic even if casual!

Personally a busy day in London would fill me with horror - perhaps you could chat to him and see what you might both enjoy? Join the National Trust or something similar?

Nelliemoser Fri 27-Jun-14 12:40:03

In 2010 after gradually failing in numerous jobs. I dragged my OH off to see one of more helpful GPs at our surgery (His own was useless.) I put all my concerns in writing to that GP. OH would not have gone or made any sensible descriptions of what was happening to him at all.

I suspected OH was depressed. (He fits most of the criteria of Aspergers as well which makes him decidedly awkward at times, He never seeks help or admits something might be wrong.)

After the lovely Dr ET worked his way through all possibilities OH was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor a meningioma .
I am not implying that is the cause of your husbands problems, just that he needs investigation and I think you will need to chivvy him up to do this.

Grannyknot Fri 27-Jun-14 16:15:57

We've got a very learned and a good friend who is a real life "nutty professor" and he gets away with wearing threadbare clothes, always scrupulously clean, but he does looks a bit frayed around the edges. We all accept him like that and love him for it too. It's part of his persona.

angiebaby Sat 05-Jul-14 21:54:41

hi girls,,,just dropped in again to see new posts and read old ones,,,,,thanks everyone,,,,,,,, change had a talk with him,,,,,he dont say anything...says i am nagging. asked him to come out for a coffee together,,,he said im watching this,,,,it ws cricket, i give up. he opened up the other day in the car, we had been to the garden centre,,,,he said i think i have diabeitis,,,,,,,,,,,!!!!!! what why do you say that, i said, he said well i looked at the doctors screen and there was a red flag on it ,,,,the doctor said,,,a blood test will confirm what i think and if so you will have to go on medication,,,,,he said she said no added sugar, being an ex nurse i thought here we go,,,he has brought this on himself i cook him healthy meals...but he goes out buys chocolate etc, he has a very sweet tooth. he will eat a packet of buiscits at a time,,,,,i hide stuff im really good at not eating all the fat and sugar stuff,,,,but not him, after he told me this he got home and he ate a handful of cake, not buying anymore to have to hide it,,,,but i like a bisciut now and then,,,,,,,,,,he doesnt seem to care,,,,i give up,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i think im just going to do my own thing,,,and let him get on with it, he is 68,thats it not going to talk about this any more,,,,thanks girls i think your all great, soon

rosequartz Sat 05-Jul-14 22:16:48

Au revoir angie, all the best. Perhaps he will have a think about what the doctor said - does he really want to give up on life and giving himself a chance?

angiebaby Mon 07-Jul-14 22:02:16

hi girls,,,,he was told today that he has type 2 diabetis.......this morning at the doctors,,,,well thats a kick up the bazzooker for sympathy,,,,he doesnt exercise i know thats boring but all he ever does is sit in a chair,,,,,,,,,like his father,,,,,,no not depressed,,,,,,,at least i know aht is the matter,,,,,,,,maybe he will wake up now,,,,lets wait and see,,,,,,,,,thanks girls for all your comment,,,,im looking out for meetups,,,im in milton keynes,

rosequartz Mon 07-Jul-14 22:38:03

If he has type 2 diabetes he could be tired, really fatigued in fact. It's a vicious circle because what he probably needs is some exercise but probably feels too tired to be bothered with anything.

Good luck, keep trying, perhaps encourage him to start taking some short walks or short outings with you. I read something about the 5:2 diet being good for type2, but am not a medical expert, someone else may know.

seasider Tue 08-Jul-14 07:25:32

I empathise Angus. My DP is still working but when he is off it is like pulling teeth getting him to do anything. Strange thing is he usually does enjoy himself if he makes the effort!. He is on anti-depressants and is always sleeping on the sofa which really annoys me. When he retires I am sure he will spend his life sat on that sofa! Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but I love to get out with friends and family and I do but I still feel mean leaving him at home alone. I cannot stay in on lovely sunny days and watch television!