Decision made

^ Maybe half of any accounts with a credit balance - Am I going too far here ?? In case he tries to not tell all that he actually has when it comes to sorting/agreeing financial care for the children.^

Excellent advice. When my husband and I separated, I didn't even think of that and he cleared all the bank accounts out and routed the money in through different accounts in different countries - and he kept it all.

At times like this it is not a case of what she wants to do or would like to do but what she needs to do to protect herself and the children.

What she needs to do is to see a solicitor first thing Monday morning, explain the situation and get legal action under way asap. With the roof remaining over her children's head so that their lives can continue as normally as possible under the circumstances, she can then think about the future.

If he demands entrance to collect his possessions, she must make sure she has somebody, preferably male when he visits.

If DD decides to move out and is making sure that she has passports and photos, also make sure to take original birth certificates and marriage certificate so that she doesn't have to pay to get copies (which she will need). Also maybe all bank account details. Maybe even a wee withdrawal or two to have some cash before moving. Maybe half of any accounts with a credit balance - Am I going too far here ?? In case he tries to not tell all that he actually has when it comes to sorting/agreeing financial care for the children. Get details of any insurances.

Also, although DD may up sticks and leave, there is also the situation that he made it so unpleasant that she could not stay, i.e. she left for the sake of the children and for the benefit of her own mental health.

If it comes to the matter of custody, there can be joint custody even though the children live with mum. Joint custody means that father is entitled to details from schools, GP, etc. etc.
Depending on the age of the children, they have a say in what they want or don't want, including when it comes to daddy visits.

Thank you everyone. You have raised some issues we hadn't even thought of. I will talk to DD in the morning.

Yes Holly, that is right, but it could cause a lot more angst and trouble in front of the children if he did. He probably won't do that, it was just a thought, something to be aware of. People don't always behave in a rational manner.

I may be wrong about this but it is my understanding that if it is a joint tenancy, he can't just change the locks and think 'that's it, she's out' - I think she may even be able to get the police to regain access for her to the home.

Dragonfly, I just thought he might change the locks to be just plain bloody-minded awkward.

I can understand why she just wants out - so she can draw a line under it all. Unfortunately it does not always work out like that and she really does need some sound advice to help her decide what best to do. Staying put is the right legal advice, but getting out might be a way of avoiding the children witnessing any aggro.

I'd just add that when my daughter was initiating divorce proceedings, her solicitor told her NOT to change the locks.

Nina sounds like good advice here. I'd just like to give you a ((hug)) and some . It's very hard isn't it? Maybe your Sil and mine (aka The Idiot) are brothers!

Also if it's a private rent and her name is on the agreement she needs to be careful there are no financial come backs on her.

Agreed Elegran but he can still make it a drawn out legal process if he is the vindictive type of rat he seems to be.

If he has never behaved like a father, and witnesses can prove it, he doesn't stand a lot of a chance on custody.

Aka yes he has. Part of the problem is that although he is their biological father he in no way behaves like one.

It's a private rent rose so I doubt he would try that but of course you have a point.
Elegran her friend she's going away with suggested she do that.
She's never been a fan of his either

Beware. I've known people before who say the don't want the children and then use them as a bargaining piece. I think he's lied before hasn't he?

The advice to sit tight is good but I don't think your daughter is going to take it. You need to get Legal Advice, sharpish to see what her options are.

I misread that! A pity he is not going away with a girl-friend, it would be very clear evidence that the marriage is over and he is at fault!

You are right, Rose, she does need to watch out for that. She should take with her to her mother's house things like her passport, photographs of the children, and so on.

Elegran, unless I've got it wrong, it's nina's DD who's going away with a girlfriend, not her partner!

She could change the locks herself while he is away. Then she has possession of the house and furniture and he can whistle for it. But she does need to see the lawyer first so that whatever bullying tactics he uses, she is always being sweet and law-abiding.

He sounds as though he would make maximum capital out of anything she did that could have the least advantage to him in court.

If she is away next weekend be careful he doesn't change the locks.

She should stay - and I really hope she has a good solicitor. I presume he is saying he won't pick up paying the rent is she stays - well, also get on to DHS. They always try to keep children in their home.

I am speechless (almost) apart from saying I agree with the other posters and that your DD should heed coolgran's advice. She should NOT move out, the children do not need that disruption as they are already having enough disruption in their little lives.

Your DD will need your utmost support to help her be strong. If I could I would come over and pack his bags for him.

She must see a solicitor and Coolgrans advice is good. I can understand that she 'just want to get out' but it will make things harder in the long run.
He needs to understand that the children are his responsibility too and that he will have to help support them financially even if he 's not bothered otherwise.
It sounds as if the only way this will happen is if it is dealt with legally.
This is such an unhappy time for your daughter, the children and for you. I know we have been through it with one of our daughters. The up side now is that she is happier than she has ever been but it takes time to work through it all.

Who put him in charge, saying what she can and can't take? I'm sure, like most couples, purchases were made jointly.

HollyDaze he's told her he can't have the children living with him as he has to work. So I don't think custody will be a problem.
And if looking after them to him is glorified babysitting then I can't see him wanting much in the way of access either.
She says she feels no anger, she just doesn't feel anything anymore. They say you have to love someone for them to make you angry. To me that proves it's over.

Stupid thing is he's still suggesting counselling.