I need to get over hating my ex-husband (sorry, long post!)!

Anger and jealousy are such corrosive emotions, aren't they? I think they do harm to the person that feels them rather than the person that they are directed to.
Been there too. The anger was damaging my health mentally and physically. Went to CBT counsellor which helped a lot. She guided me with identifying triggers for anger and ways to deal with them. One of these was avoidance of triggers, so I would agree with others.........get off Facebook ASAP!

So glad you have found a loving partner now fiorinda

One of my very first posts on joining gransnet was about jealousy. This is what I have concluded. It's normal. I have a close relative who's sister had spent many decades living in the U.S. She came home for a visit. Staying with her said relative. The family made a really big fuss. We travelled far and wide to see her. My normally sweet relative turned into the worst, nastiest most horrible person. We were all flummoxed. Until I realised that it was jealousy. She wouldn't admit it though and it got worse. She was miserable and she made us miserable. Simply because she couldn't accept it. I think if you can recognise the feelings for what they are then you can deal with them. Jealously is a horrible sensation. I just accept that I sometimes feel that way and do my best to hide it. Then let rip with a trusted friend after the event that caused it. We are complicated beings us humans. A jumble of emotions. You sound as if understand yourself rather well. So read self help books if you want but I'd rather give it some ' welly' on here to get it off my chest on and get support and advice from others who have felt the same and have a wealth of experience.

It's so easy with Facebook to click on someone's profile and check out what has been happening. I came off mine because I have, at times, checked out ex. (although last check made me realise to forget him and move forward). One thing put on by my sister was a photo of my mother. The same mother who has abused me for over 40 years. One of her friends had put how much of a "ledge" she is. I was fuming after what she has done and others don't know. So I deleted my account to save me from getting upset. Like others have said, it's all about self preservation. And still is.

All I can say is delete your account. Stay in touch through other media sites like Twitter, or Skype, or e mail. Put to the back of your mind if you can what your children are doing with him and focus on your relationships with them. And focus also on your forthcoming marriage.

Count your blessings that you are no longer with him, that's what I do.

I'm fine thanks Deedaa. It's been a challenging few months but I'm getting better.

You could try telling them that you sometimes feel that they have a better relationship with their father vampirequeen but I'm always a bit wary of saying too much - it sounds easy enough, but you don't know what sort of answer you'll get.
I don't think you should blame yourself for sticking with the marriage. We can only do what seems best at the time and as you say hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm as vindictive as the next person but I would try to avoid hatred if you can, it's always destructive.
I don't seem to have seen you on here for ages - how have you been?

Hindsight is a great thing. I should have left sooner too but at the time it seemed like I was doing the right thing. Also he said I would lose my girls because I had depression. His words being, "They don't give the custody of children to nutters." I was too scared to leave after that.

vampirequeen - your last sentence rings a bell with me too - "I get annoyed at myself for letting him".
At the time I rationalised, stick it out for the children, but later partly blamed myself for my attitude "I can take it."
But that's not a marriage, I should have left sooner.

I totally understand your feelings. I protected my daughters from their alcoholic, controlling father as they were growing up so they never bore the brunt of his nastiness. This allowed them to have a relationship with him but they were much closer to me. Then I left and split up the 'happy' home. They make a point of visiting their dad every week whereas I get a visit as and when (usually when I ask). I have agoraphobia so nipping to see them isn't really an option. I don't think they are deliberately punishing me but it feel that way. I hate the fact that their dad sees the grandchildren more than I do and has a stronger relationship with them and my daughters. I hate him even more for still having the power to upset me and I get annoyed at myself for letting him.

Agus TriciaF and Penstemmon The world can be so depressing at times and it was nice to read such positive posts - that hatred and jealousy can fade and that people can change for the better.

Sometimes leopards do change their spots!
My DD2s FiL was not a great father but he apologised to my SiL and tried really hard to be a better grandad. Also SiL was not a particularly good dad to his first family but my DD insisted on him maintaining more positive and regular contact with his ch. and he did. He is now a loving dad to my DGC, his two DDs as well as his other ch.

I agree about avoiding Facebook. Not that a really know about it because I haven't joined, just what people tell me and none of it is helpful imo.
When we first split up I hated my ex for years, various reasons, but TG he had never been bad to the children, just almost ignored them.
Later he actually apologised to me, and from then on the hatred slowly disappeared, I'm sort of neutral towards him now. He has tried to change himself.
He remarried and his wife seems fond of our children, they see her regularly, but I'm not jealous - she has serious problems of her own.
Fiorinda - I think if you can try to find something good in your ex and his wife your hatred will slowly get weaker.I saw him on Skype for the first time in ?30 years while staying with oldest son recently, and it was such a shock!
So glad I'm with dear Eddie now.

Don't look at there face book page for one thing, it's upsetting you so don't look.

Some people spend all their time telling the world and everyone who will listen all about their marvelous perfect life. It doesn't exist know one has a perfect life.

Think about your own life and what you and your partner can do to improve it, you don't have to have pots of money to enjoy life.
Spend time with your daughter and your grand kids and try and make this fun time for you all.

Focus on your life you can only control what you do with your own life not someone else's.

It's a waste of time and energy putting effort into worrying and stressing about all this.

Get planning your wedding and your future life with you partner.

Tomorrow is another day the first day of the rest of your life and look forward not back.

The knowledge that your children and GC love you is more important than anything said on FB. Words posted on the spur of the moment, sometimes with not too,much thought but feeling obliged to post something. Actions speak louder than words and that is what counts for me.

I got myself upset when I received an e mail from DD2 who was building a relationship with her future MIL. I was addressed as Mum Agus with a cc to Mum M..... What made it more poignant for me was that DD2 is in Australia as is her future MIL who can pop in to see my daughter any day of the week whereas I haven't seen her for over a year now.

I have met the 'other' Mum on a few occasions and she has actually stayed with us for a holiday. We get on really well but I think the green eyed monster took over for a while until I realised I was actually glad my daughter had this woman who loved her too and could be there for my daughter should she need her. Then I remembered how many ways my daughter has shown her love and gave myself a good talking too!

An old memory sprung to mind reading this thread. When ex left wife No 2
( I number them because he went on to have 5) I was the first one she called.
She wanted advice on how to deal with him with the divorce.

He turned up one day (out of the blue) I offered him a cup of tea and then it struck me that I couldn't remember if he took sugar (we were married 10 years)

I think I don't take anything too personally, I know my daughter loves me, I know my GCs do too. However nice my DD may be to him on FB, posting Happy Birthday to my lovely dad' type messages - we both know he wasn't! However, he is really trying hard now - but then goes and spoils it on occasion by doing something stupid. I do allow myself am small feeling of satisfaction on such occasions. Small GD is very suspicious of him.

I suppose facebook works very well for some people, but not for others. I think fiorinda sounds as though she could handle it very well.

I can understand your feelings totally. I agree with the comments above re Facebook. It has given me so much upset in the past. I have felt jealous and been seething over things I've seen on their re my daughter and her family. I deleted my account. It's a case of self preservation. I hope it all works out for you.

Eloethan, thank you, that's a useful spin on it - that I've already started the process!

I can't feel genuinely negative towards my ex's new wife, she is really nice, and the poor woman has to put up with him, doesn't she?! I'm also in possession of the knowledge that my ex was with her initially because he already knew her and liked her and couldn't be bothered with meeting new people and dating and stuff, when I left him (he told me this!!), which makes me feel a little bit sorry for her. I'm sure he genuinely loves her very much now, and they do appear very happy together (she seems to have quite low expectations of behaviour so probably doesn't mind his tantrums and general grumpiness).

I wouldn't dream of trying to set my kids against him - and ought really to have had the confidence to know that he wouldn't be able to set our son against me if I had tried to get maintenance (I had little intention of it anyway, but he had to be sure!). I've never even told the kids that he threatened to do that!

I've set my Facebook to not show me posts from either of them, so if they put up photos and tag the kids, it doesn't show up on my timeline but I can still see them if I look at my kids' pages though - I don't necessarily want to miss them all. I'd still much prefer not to feel that twinge if and when I do see those photos though. The one that really got my goat was from Father's day, him wearing the 'Grandad' badge from his card and his wife gushing at what a fab grandad he was. Mind you, my daughter's partner's mother and step-dad do that too - and they rarely even see the boys and my daughter doesn't like them much!

Guess I have no need for anyone to comment on what an amazing Granny I am, it's there for all to see!!

Scooter58, that's unforgiveable, and I can totally understand how hurtful and angry that must make you! I'm sure your daughters know which of you is the better parent!

Susieb755, that is a wise sentiment from your friend!!

I think, given your ex's behaviour in the past, it's natural that at times you feel bitter.

What counts is not what you think but what you do. And it seems that you haven't gummed up the works by setting your children against your ex or his wife (your attitude towards whom I think is very generous).

Anyway, it seems that you are already putting these negative feelings into perspective, and perhaps voicing them on here will help to dispel them.

Can totally understand your feelings,My ex hubby decided that after our divorce he wouldn't support our girls,aged 11 and 13,didn't want to see them etc etc,I worked 3 jobs at a time to support them and now 20 years later both girls have been in touch with him and now he acts the doting dad and grandad and it hurts me so much.

janerowena, you seem very accepting of this situation, I take my hat off to you! I couldn't bear to live far from my grandsons! Just before my daughter told me she was (accidentally) pregnant with the older one, I was seriously thinking of taking the proceeds from the sale of the family home and relocating back to my home town. Her announcement put paid to that idea! My fiance is from Liverpool and sometimes hints at a yearning to move back there, but he knows I won't budge at least till the boys are much older.

I hope it won't be long before I can talk about my daughter's relationship with her step-dad in such a neutral way - not least because it's quite tiring getting so wound up about it!!

fiorinda - its a natural feeling - I hate it when i see my ex on my sons FB gushing over DGS, or making 'witty' comments - or when he tried to buy their love by expensive presents etc, but never actually paying a penny for the upkeep
But the kids remember exactly what he was like, and yours will as well - just learn to rise above him, hard though it is, an enjoy life - a friend of mine brought me up short by saying he had the power to ruin 9 years of my life when married, and I shouldn't give him the power to keep ruining it now ...

Dragonfly1, yes, you're right! I'm going to start keeping a list of the positive and wonderful things in my life day to day!

My kids are both healthy, my son is about to graduate and my daughter is so made up with her little family and has a partner who loves and cherishes her, and is happier than I ever imagined her capable of being (which is ironic as she always hated kids and never wanted any!!).

I have my gorgeous fiance who adores me and who I adore. We have our amazing Halloween wedding to plan. He will soon be starting his Uni course for which he'll be getting a reasonable amount in grants and loans so our standard of living will rise a bit. We're planning to adopt a young child after the wedding (he's 24 years younger than me and has no children of his own).

I have my two wonderful, beautiful grandsons who I love and who love me.

I'm healthy, my family are all healthy, even my 92 year old mother! I have lots of lovely friends. I have the most amazing view of the sunset from my living room window as we live on a hill.

Thank you ladies!

Mememe!

Almost exactly the same situation. 29 year old daughter. I left him (alcoholic, now lives with pub landlady) when she was 10, he was a dreadful father. But at 21 she was head-hunted to his town, met someone and when she got pregnant, she was offered part-time work in their pub. Now a doting granddad. She hates working for him but is understandably torn as she needs the money and he is after all - her dad. He posts photos of days out with them and links to her so that I can see them too, as his page is not private. I don't hate him anymore, but it's only been over the past few years that I stopped. I know my GCs love coming here though, I see them three times a year for a week each time and it's a huge treat to them. He takes them out a couple of times for a day trip during the summer, and they have family meals in the pub. I can't begrudge him that, but it does give me a twinge still.

FIOR all that is good , you seem to be on top of your game !

XX