I need to get over hating my ex-husband (sorry, long post!)!

Sorry, don't know any books or anything that might help, but I can understand how you feel. All I can suggest is that you concentrate on how happy you are with your 'now' partner, and remember that you still have a good relationship with your daughter, and get to see your grandsons weekly.

Bear in mind that it was someone else who posted that they looked proud of your grandchildren. She herself most likely realizes full well that she has no right to any pride in them.

Do you have a facebook account yourself? Could you have some pics of yourself with the boys taken on your weekly visits and put them up on your page? Just to remined them that you are the real gran and you too are proud of them (and with more reason).

And remember that you have your wedding coming up. There are bound to be some pictures of you and your new DH with the two little boys. Put them up on facebook. Do your own bit of gushing.

You need to keep your end up.

FIOR

Good luck, it seems that you may well need it

Keep us posted how you get on !

I think that, for a start you need to not go onto Facebook. Facebook isn't real; it's someones idea of reality through rose tinted glasses. People [as far as I know] don't put photos of themselves on Facebook when they're having a bad day/bad hair day. I only know this because, as someone that doesn't go on Facebook usually, I looked up an old friend on it and saw such an amazing photo of her on it it made me not want to make contact with her [I then saw a few photos that weren't quite as flattering which made me feel a bit better ]. No one is going to write on Facebook 'here's a man who neglected his child but now gushes over his grandchildren as if he'd been the perfect father and now grandfather'. fiorinda; what you feel is reasonable and it is rational [at least, if I was in your shoes I'd feel the same so I'm hoping that's correct]. Just don't torture yourself with it. And keep on having a good moan on here when you need to [I do it all the time]. It's great for getting things off your chest!

I agree with all that good advice. Facebook is just a record of the life we want people to see. A bit like those awful round robin letters at Christmas. Photos are the worst bit. My account is full of people's holiday photos which is not what you want to see when you are at home doing the ironing! And these are people I like! Facebook stalking is irresistible, but we've all done it and wished we hadn't. If you cannot close your account, just make sure that you put some really loving, jolly family photos on it.

Oh thank you so much ladies!! You've made me feel so much better! Just hearing others say that they'd feel the same is a big reassurance.

I do have Facebook, and I use it a lot and regularly post photos of the boys with me and with my fiance (who the 2.5 year old adores, the little one is only 8 weeks, he'll smile at anyone!). And you're so right, jinglbellsfrocks, it wasn't she who posted the comment! She's a sensible and reasonable woman, I'm sure she probably realises she has no reason to feel proud of my daughter's family.

I probably just need to concentrate on how good it is that she's nice, and that they do things for my daughter and help her out. Writing my post I sort of realised that a lot of the way I feel has to do with lingering bitterness over the way my ex-husband has continued to have his fortnights summer holiday and 2 short breaks every year, and lots of lovely meals out and trips away and shopping in Waitrose, while I'm at Lidl trying to stick to £50 a week to feed 2 people and getting into debt to go on a weeks holiday (he actually threatened to turn our son against me if I tried to go to court to get maintenance from him!!). But I do know that having money doesn't make you happy, because I was so miserable when I lived with him.

I know that I'm certainly the third most important adult in my older grandson's life (and will be in the younger one's when he is bigger) - he's never even been to stay with his granddad over night!

Yes, I need to concentrate on the happiness in my life now, and my lovely future, and try to forget about them. Maybe I need some kind of distractional and uplifting mantra to chant to myself when I find the bitter thoughts creeping in!

Thank you for letting me have a moan! x

Well - you can't move forwards if you spend the whole time looking backwards, and it sounds as though the future has lots more to recommend it than the past. So...he had lots of holidays and he didn't pull his weight financially, but it sounds as though you have life sussed now, so why not just enjoy it!

Money is not everything - you have survived - you have some things going for you that are more important than money - go enjoy!

Believe me, if you look on some of the threads here about grans who never get to see their grandchildren you will think yourself in seventh heaven!

I think your feelings are perfectly normal too, but the advice above is good. Don't let these bitter feelings spoil your life, count your blessings and be a happier and nicer person.
You've got lots of good things in your life now, so just make the best of it all.

Fior nothing wrong with LIDL, may I say, better value !!"

Do you really think it a good idea to post photo"s of your boys on facebook, plenty of weirdo"s out there, not something I would do !!

Quite right Nonu, I love Lidl!

Hi there , LONA long time no see, how the devil are you?

fiorinda welcome. The only resource I know of that will possibly help you is blessing-counting. I've had a bit of a rough four years, different reasons to yours but difficult nevertheless. Counting my remaining blessings gets me through every day. It's a damn good antidote to bitterness too! Good luck.

PS. Aldi does it for me...

Nonu, all my photos are set to be visible by friends only, I'm on top of my security settings!

I love Lidl too, nothing at all wrong with it - and it's our nearest supermarket.

Your feelings are very like those who find it painful when the other grandparents see more of the granchildren than they do, but at least you see plenty of yours, and you know that they love you. As you say, a lot of the angst is for the better life that your ex has led while you were scrimping. He could be a better grandfather than ever he was a father - it is a bit more hands-off!

It sounds as though you have everything going for you at the moment, and as the step-grandmother is a nice person, try to be pleased that your grandchildren have extra people in their lives. I know of a little boy who has two sets of real grandparents, plus a great-aunt and uncle who were stand-ins for a while, plus the mother of his birth father's new partner and the mother of his birth mother's new partner . . .(I think that is all)

They all adore him and spoil him!

FIOR all that is good , you seem to be on top of your game !

XX

Mememe!

Almost exactly the same situation. 29 year old daughter. I left him (alcoholic, now lives with pub landlady) when she was 10, he was a dreadful father. But at 21 she was head-hunted to his town, met someone and when she got pregnant, she was offered part-time work in their pub. Now a doting granddad. She hates working for him but is understandably torn as she needs the money and he is after all - her dad. He posts photos of days out with them and links to her so that I can see them too, as his page is not private. I don't hate him anymore, but it's only been over the past few years that I stopped. I know my GCs love coming here though, I see them three times a year for a week each time and it's a huge treat to them. He takes them out a couple of times for a day trip during the summer, and they have family meals in the pub. I can't begrudge him that, but it does give me a twinge still.

Dragonfly1, yes, you're right! I'm going to start keeping a list of the positive and wonderful things in my life day to day!

My kids are both healthy, my son is about to graduate and my daughter is so made up with her little family and has a partner who loves and cherishes her, and is happier than I ever imagined her capable of being (which is ironic as she always hated kids and never wanted any!!).

I have my gorgeous fiance who adores me and who I adore. We have our amazing Halloween wedding to plan. He will soon be starting his Uni course for which he'll be getting a reasonable amount in grants and loans so our standard of living will rise a bit. We're planning to adopt a young child after the wedding (he's 24 years younger than me and has no children of his own).

I have my two wonderful, beautiful grandsons who I love and who love me.

I'm healthy, my family are all healthy, even my 92 year old mother! I have lots of lovely friends. I have the most amazing view of the sunset from my living room window as we live on a hill.

Thank you ladies!

fiorinda - its a natural feeling - I hate it when i see my ex on my sons FB gushing over DGS, or making 'witty' comments - or when he tried to buy their love by expensive presents etc, but never actually paying a penny for the upkeep
But the kids remember exactly what he was like, and yours will as well - just learn to rise above him, hard though it is, an enjoy life - a friend of mine brought me up short by saying he had the power to ruin 9 years of my life when married, and I shouldn't give him the power to keep ruining it now ...

janerowena, you seem very accepting of this situation, I take my hat off to you! I couldn't bear to live far from my grandsons! Just before my daughter told me she was (accidentally) pregnant with the older one, I was seriously thinking of taking the proceeds from the sale of the family home and relocating back to my home town. Her announcement put paid to that idea! My fiance is from Liverpool and sometimes hints at a yearning to move back there, but he knows I won't budge at least till the boys are much older.

I hope it won't be long before I can talk about my daughter's relationship with her step-dad in such a neutral way - not least because it's quite tiring getting so wound up about it!!

Can totally understand your feelings,My ex hubby decided that after our divorce he wouldn't support our girls,aged 11 and 13,didn't want to see them etc etc,I worked 3 jobs at a time to support them and now 20 years later both girls have been in touch with him and now he acts the doting dad and grandad and it hurts me so much.

I think, given your ex's behaviour in the past, it's natural that at times you feel bitter.

What counts is not what you think but what you do. And it seems that you haven't gummed up the works by setting your children against your ex or his wife (your attitude towards whom I think is very generous).

Anyway, it seems that you are already putting these negative feelings into perspective, and perhaps voicing them on here will help to dispel them.

Eloethan, thank you, that's a useful spin on it - that I've already started the process!

I can't feel genuinely negative towards my ex's new wife, she is really nice, and the poor woman has to put up with him, doesn't she?! I'm also in possession of the knowledge that my ex was with her initially because he already knew her and liked her and couldn't be bothered with meeting new people and dating and stuff, when I left him (he told me this!!), which makes me feel a little bit sorry for her. I'm sure he genuinely loves her very much now, and they do appear very happy together (she seems to have quite low expectations of behaviour so probably doesn't mind his tantrums and general grumpiness).

I wouldn't dream of trying to set my kids against him - and ought really to have had the confidence to know that he wouldn't be able to set our son against me if I had tried to get maintenance (I had little intention of it anyway, but he had to be sure!). I've never even told the kids that he threatened to do that!

I've set my Facebook to not show me posts from either of them, so if they put up photos and tag the kids, it doesn't show up on my timeline but I can still see them if I look at my kids' pages though - I don't necessarily want to miss them all. I'd still much prefer not to feel that twinge if and when I do see those photos though. The one that really got my goat was from Father's day, him wearing the 'Grandad' badge from his card and his wife gushing at what a fab grandad he was. Mind you, my daughter's partner's mother and step-dad do that too - and they rarely even see the boys and my daughter doesn't like them much!

Guess I have no need for anyone to comment on what an amazing Granny I am, it's there for all to see!!

Scooter58, that's unforgiveable, and I can totally understand how hurtful and angry that must make you! I'm sure your daughters know which of you is the better parent!

Susieb755, that is a wise sentiment from your friend!!