Do all women get fed up with their husband's 'stuff'?(long)

Ana, The clock performance a mystery to me and most of the family.

I have never believed that old chestnut 'a man doesn't see what needs done', of course he does and if he doesn't pull his weight, he is LAZY or he has a wife who runs around after him doing it all, letting him away with it!

A man like this? I would make his life unbearable!

Spot on jings

The drawer in DH's bedside table is stuffed full of rubbish, as is the shelf underneath. The small table next to his fireside chair is staggering under the weight of fishing magazines.

He's nearly outgrown his shed so I've just bought another one. He's taking rather a long time to erect it though.

Ana Just as well that I've not got one then!

There's a lot of issues going on here, quite a few of which I can relate to [especially as I'm also a hoarder]. As for the childrens rooms being taken over, when mine left home [my son did move back several times as the boomerang generation tend to, sometimes alone sometimes with his girlfriend] my daughter did point out that my house was 'a shrine to their childhood'; she would have been happy for their childhood stuff to be thrown out. At the same time when she saw that my partner [who only stays at weekends] had somehow left ten pairs of shoes in 'her' room she was pretty upset by it. My ex was an engineer and did DIY all the time; I still have a garage full of bike bits, lathes etc. But I never appreciated the fact that he could fix anything and everything until he'd gone. I did thank him once when he came round to sort the car out for me. 'I never thanked you for doing stuff like that, did I?' I said. He looked very sad and replied 'I'm an engineer; no one ever thanks us '. At the same time he never did any housework and created an awful mess whenever he did anything. I now get grumpy with the S.O. who loves shopping and cooking but wouldn't have a clue as to how to put a shelf up .Maybe you could do a list [I'm a great one for lists] with a problem and solution column and sit down with your husband and go through it with him?

Lona, a true hoarder will never learn. He'll just find somewhere else to stash his stuff - garden shed, garage, the boot of his car...

I live alone. I like men but I realise I couldn't live with one now.

Having said that I would probably drive most people mad. My sewing and crafting, although sorted, tidy and labelled (the bits not in use) are all over the house - in pretty units. I started to set up a craft room and decided one of the plusses about living alone is that I can have a craft house!

I have known some lovely men but give them house room ... no way.

We seem to be a generation caught between so many changes. Many did not work full time, did not build up their own pensions and had to do a lot of negotiating!

My son is (of course) the nearest thing to a perfect husband that I have seen as he has been well trained. He takes his turn with the cooking, cleaning and child care and they run their business together but he can still be annoying and do "man things" or joint things in a "man" way. I am sure his wife, the best DIL ever, annoys him by doing "women things" or doing things in a "women" way too. However, it seems to be very worth while to them thankfully. Often it is. Sometimes though it just isn't.

If you lie down someone will walk all over you!.
Stand up for yourself.

Shove a load of his stuff into a black bin bag and leave it outside the back door.
Tell him to move it or it goes to the tip, and make sure the threat is carried out!

He'll soon learn.

mad!

I think I'm with jingle on this one and I have to say I couldn't put up with it. When DH and I got together over 35 years ago he didn't know or want to know anything about housework his life was sport and music and the house was just a dormitory. I was brought up with Army (mother) and Navy (father) tidiness discipline - everything has a place and everything is in its place. I trained as a nurse and I added hygiene zeal to this so something had to give. These days DH does more housework than I do, all the ironing, gardening and DIY and keeps his stuff in the bedroom allocated to it. This was not achieved without some monumental rows early on and not without some of his stuff miraculously disappearing every time he left the house. It quite literally would have driven me made to live in a mess.

Jings you're my type of women. Just say it as it is.

I agree about M & S meals and bags of veg. My sister is very critical of me rarely preparing veg and do you know what 'I don't give a monkey's'

Wow go jinglbellsfrock ! Its true enough though. Somehow I suspect that he doesn't see writing as a real job- many men wouldn`t- and that he may feel quite proprietorial about the house and that housework is your job. If he brings home the bacon he may not think that he should cook it too? However, what I actually think is that he doesn't and wont think about it at all unless you highlight it to him, potentially quite firmly.
Maybe the housework/hoarding thing is a distraction though. Maybe you`re bored and irritated with him. What can you do about that? As others have suggested perhaps you could join a writers group or similar activity which gets you out of the house.
Or- get a decluttering guru in? Use it to emphasise to him how serious you are about things. Probably cheaper to just get some house clearance people to come and price up the job. That would give him something to think about. Drastic measures though. How about going out for a long lunch somewhere nice and telling him exactly how you feel?

I don't understand why you don't stand up to the bugger more. You say you've had one row, why not have some more? Perhaps on a twice weekly basis. You say it's not much of a marriage. You might get lucky. He might leave.

Why are you cooking a meal every day?. No one needs to do that in this day and age. Have you not got a microwave and a Waitrose and a Marks and Sparks? Ready meals are excellent. (don't believe all the rubbish talked on here about them) Buy a bag or two of ready prepared veg to go with them.

There are only two of you. There can't be much housework to be done. Get a Roomba.

Don't just have one room of the house for yourself, have most of it. Chuck all his clutter into your son's room - he can deal with his father when he comes home on visits. If he's old enough to house share, he's old enough to deal with his dad over the junk in his room.

Grow some balls.

Just showed this thread to Mrs Pompa, she reluctantly agreed that I had been honest, but I still drive her mad leaving a mess in my wake and she would like me to help with housework without being prompted.
I agree about the mess, I can do 5 min work and make 30 min clearing up, but I do clear up, eventually.

Guess its a case of must try harder.

I'm too married a hoarder and nothing will change that. I too sneak things out and get rid of them secretly.

I suspect from what you say leaving your husband would be hard financially.

Are you in a position to join like minded groups, such as a writer's group ? I am joined to 2 or 3 groups and have a lot of fun with them. Eating out at the pub with friends is good too, you could tell your OH to fend for himself when you are out. If you felt guilty about not cooking his meal you could put everything ready with a short note on how to prepare his own meal.

Good luck.

You sound ideal to me pompa.

sarahssweetshop, you have my sympathy and there is some good advice up there ^^. Are you sure you want to stay in the marriage? You sound very unhappy at the moment.

You have made me realise that I shouldn't moan about DH.

OMG, are men really this bad ? Why do you give them house room.?

My wife does have her own work room, she is into cardmaking etc. She cam make all the mess she wants in there. I have the garage and our conservatory which is my model building room (but I do have to keep it clean & tidy between building sessions.

We share some interests, but she goes to a book group, cardmaking, calligraphy etc on average 2/3 sessions a week, I am into fishing, art, model boats, model aircraft and also head out for 2/3 sessions a week.
I think it is important to have our own interests and group of friends. Our shared interests include U3A, genealogy, gardening, theatre, dining out etc.

I get moaned at for spending more time chatting on here than I do to my DW.

May I also join the club? My husband of 51 years has never, ever, done any housework, but has recently started to dry up when I wash up, but not every day, he also takes the wheelie bin out, but only if I remind him that it`s emptying day, but he doesn`t bring it back, I get that job. He`s very messy and scruffy, but he`s the only one who can`t see it!

If it's any consolation sarah, I'm still falling over my ex husbands stuff in this house and he left 12 or so years ago .

um, did I write this post I am thinking?
sarahsweetshop He still has to be asked to help with the housework- he doesn't 'see' what needs doing

I am hoping that is very common as my dh is exactly the same. Every day I have to wipe up the tea drips on the counter where he has poured his cuppa; his bathroom basin (our ensuite that I refuse to use now) is revoltingly full of toothpaste and hair ……… he just does not see it. I leave it as long as I can bear before I give in and give the basin a clean.

We don't have much in common either, apart from raising our lovely children and enjoying our dgc. Few TV programmes that we both like; ……I could go on but not much point.
I realised I have to make my own happiness in the things that I do in the week and try hard not to get too upset about the unfairness of the non shared housework. If I think about these things, I get quite fed up, so now I try not to dwell on them, but get out of the house when I can!!!
I have turned one of our spare rooms into my retreat room. I think you should claim one of your dc's rooms - if they are at college, you could organise their personal stuff into a box, and get it out again when they are home for the holidays? As he has already claimed the spare room, I would take out his things from your dd's room and put them in the spare room. It's so not fair that he has both rooms - plus garage and shed?
And I get so fed up with men thinking that putting the rubbish out/doing the wheelie bins is enough for their contribution. It's a few minutes job, once a week. Gardening is far more pleasurable than housework and the results last so much longer.
I will concede DIY to them, but I have to nag to get the smallest thing done in that department so it's still not great.
Rant over - thank you for the opportunity to join in
Sorry not to be able to offer help, just my sympathy as I completely understand. and

Why can't she do it?

That's certainly the thin edge of the wedge...

My sis-in-law has 80 clocks. Bet my poor brother can't wait for next weekend when she'll make him put them all back one hour.

I'm tempted to suggest that you start to clear out the things he is least likely to miss. DBH used to possess 200 ties. He now 'only' has 80. Thank God I counted them before he thought to otherwise I wouldn't have got away with it.

Can you afford two houses?

It' funny how someone has said something that hit a nerve- about my taking over the children's bedrooms! That's not really possible yet because they are both in house shares and their rooms here are still very much 'theirs' with some of their things in. However- this has not stopped DH from infiltrating DDs room and piling stuff up there on her desk etc, in her wardrobe, and he does the same in the spare room. I have sole use of the study but that is my office and as it's 6 x 6 feet it's a cupboard really and is wall to wall books and files for my work.

He does do some things- he puts the rubbish out, moves the wheelie bins does the grass cutting and major DIY when needed. But day to day chores he is blind to.

We don't have a huge house and I feel he has more than his fair share of it with all his stuff- even the children say he hoards and is a bit obsessive compulsive whereas I am minimalist and chuck everything that's no use!

i honestly think the perfect answer would be to have 2 houses and see each other now and again!