Do all women get fed up with their husband's 'stuff'?(long)

I am not busier than ever with work

now busier!

He needs a man cave. Does he not have a shed or a garage?

Ha! The double garage is full of his stuff- mainly bikes and tools.

That still doesn't sort out his untidiness or his lack of effort with the house.

I can recognise something of myself in him. My wife and I do not have a lot of interests in common, but that has never been a problem (I hope), we do share a few interests.

I am untidy, a hoarder and probably create most of the housework. BUT I do do most of the DIY (which I am pretty good at) most of the heavy gardening work, we have a large garden, and all the diving (which I now hate).

I rarely cook, apart from porridge & coffee for breakfast, but I do clear up after dinner and sort the washing up/dishwasher. If Linda is pushed I will help with dusting etc. Ironing, very occasionally. Washing, dangerous letting me loose with the washing machine, but I do put the odd load on.

I do get moaned at for not doing my share from time to time, probably warranted and I try to improve (for a bit)

We have been together for 50 years and are pretty happy with our lot (or at least I am).

Not sure if this helps, but its how we co-exist without many arguments.

My only comment would be, you only have one life - decide what would make you happy and work towards it.

Have you considered making one of the rooms in your house (possibly one of your children's bedrooms) your room, sweetshop? Somewhere you can do your writing and other activities and have your things around you but not his or him? You could call it your study or your office or whatever but make it clear from the beginning that it is your special place and anything he leaves in it will be thrown out (but of course he isn't going to leave anything in it!!!!).

I think that's an excellent idea. Although I have limited DBH's 'stuff' to his study, the garage, his shed and his books in the dining-room, and the music room that he shares with our son. At one point we used to row about the 'stuff' he left anywhere and everywhere, though. Anything he leaves lying around elsewhere gets dumped unceremoniously in the garage now.

I think that's a good idea, bags. I don't think you can change a hoarder (I certainly couldn't) and living with one can eat you up with resentment unless you can reach a compromise.

As for the housework, etc., sweetshop, perhaps you and OH can agree that he has certain jobs like taking the rubbish out, washing up or whatever so that he knows what he's expected to to.

Good luck!

I think the there's a lot going on here. Perhaps you need to make a list to help you focus on which is making you feel worse. The easiest would be is his messiness. I'd buy a few of those plastic boxes and every time he leaves his stuff about put it in the box and either put it outside to rot in the elements or just stack it in the garage were he can trip over it. The next is having to nag him because he doesn't see what needs doing. I write my husband a short list on his days off if I'm at work. He hates the list but there's a part of him that realises that if he didn't have a list he too would not see what needed doing. He irritates you I think over 60% of both sexes in long term marriages/relationships would admit to this from time to time. The fact that you have little in common isn't serous. I have hardly anything in common with my husband but we do enjoy the simple things in life together. Long walks give us the opportunity to connect and see things from each other's propective. The most serious is that you feel lonely in the marriage. Are you sure your not just pissedoff-- fed up with his untidiness. I think this is a time in our lives when we reflect. It can be scary wondering if the best is behind us and perhaps regretting some of our desions and Worrying about the future. I somtimes feel trapped as opportunities arise less and less. Not just in my marriage but my work. It's a horrible confusing set of emotions. I tell my daughter that this stage of life is worse than being a teenager at least then there was the hope that something amazing might just happen. I'm not sure this rambling has helped at all. I hope someone here can be more helpful

Respect for doing all of the "diving" pompa

It' funny how someone has said something that hit a nerve- about my taking over the children's bedrooms! That's not really possible yet because they are both in house shares and their rooms here are still very much 'theirs' with some of their things in. However- this has not stopped DH from infiltrating DDs room and piling stuff up there on her desk etc, in her wardrobe, and he does the same in the spare room. I have sole use of the study but that is my office and as it's 6 x 6 feet it's a cupboard really and is wall to wall books and files for my work.

He does do some things- he puts the rubbish out, moves the wheelie bins does the grass cutting and major DIY when needed. But day to day chores he is blind to.

We don't have a huge house and I feel he has more than his fair share of it with all his stuff- even the children say he hoards and is a bit obsessive compulsive whereas I am minimalist and chuck everything that's no use!

i honestly think the perfect answer would be to have 2 houses and see each other now and again!

Can you afford two houses?

I'm tempted to suggest that you start to clear out the things he is least likely to miss. DBH used to possess 200 ties. He now 'only' has 80. Thank God I counted them before he thought to otherwise I wouldn't have got away with it.

My sis-in-law has 80 clocks. Bet my poor brother can't wait for next weekend when she'll make him put them all back one hour.

Why can't she do it?

That's certainly the thin edge of the wedge...

um, did I write this post I am thinking?
sarahsweetshop He still has to be asked to help with the housework- he doesn't 'see' what needs doing

I am hoping that is very common as my dh is exactly the same. Every day I have to wipe up the tea drips on the counter where he has poured his cuppa; his bathroom basin (our ensuite that I refuse to use now) is revoltingly full of toothpaste and hair ……… he just does not see it. I leave it as long as I can bear before I give in and give the basin a clean.

We don't have much in common either, apart from raising our lovely children and enjoying our dgc. Few TV programmes that we both like; ……I could go on but not much point.
I realised I have to make my own happiness in the things that I do in the week and try hard not to get too upset about the unfairness of the non shared housework. If I think about these things, I get quite fed up, so now I try not to dwell on them, but get out of the house when I can!!!
I have turned one of our spare rooms into my retreat room. I think you should claim one of your dc's rooms - if they are at college, you could organise their personal stuff into a box, and get it out again when they are home for the holidays? As he has already claimed the spare room, I would take out his things from your dd's room and put them in the spare room. It's so not fair that he has both rooms - plus garage and shed?
And I get so fed up with men thinking that putting the rubbish out/doing the wheelie bins is enough for their contribution. It's a few minutes job, once a week. Gardening is far more pleasurable than housework and the results last so much longer.
I will concede DIY to them, but I have to nag to get the smallest thing done in that department so it's still not great.
Rant over - thank you for the opportunity to join in
Sorry not to be able to offer help, just my sympathy as I completely understand. and

If it's any consolation sarah, I'm still falling over my ex husbands stuff in this house and he left 12 or so years ago .

May I also join the club? My husband of 51 years has never, ever, done any housework, but has recently started to dry up when I wash up, but not every day, he also takes the wheelie bin out, but only if I remind him that it`s emptying day, but he doesn`t bring it back, I get that job. He`s very messy and scruffy, but he`s the only one who can`t see it!

OMG, are men really this bad ? Why do you give them house room.?

My wife does have her own work room, she is into cardmaking etc. She cam make all the mess she wants in there. I have the garage and our conservatory which is my model building room (but I do have to keep it clean & tidy between building sessions.

We share some interests, but she goes to a book group, cardmaking, calligraphy etc on average 2/3 sessions a week, I am into fishing, art, model boats, model aircraft and also head out for 2/3 sessions a week.
I think it is important to have our own interests and group of friends. Our shared interests include U3A, genealogy, gardening, theatre, dining out etc.

I get moaned at for spending more time chatting on here than I do to my DW.

You sound ideal to me pompa.

sarahssweetshop, you have my sympathy and there is some good advice up there ^^. Are you sure you want to stay in the marriage? You sound very unhappy at the moment.

You have made me realise that I shouldn't moan about DH.

I'm too married a hoarder and nothing will change that. I too sneak things out and get rid of them secretly.

I suspect from what you say leaving your husband would be hard financially.

Are you in a position to join like minded groups, such as a writer's group ? I am joined to 2 or 3 groups and have a lot of fun with them. Eating out at the pub with friends is good too, you could tell your OH to fend for himself when you are out. If you felt guilty about not cooking his meal you could put everything ready with a short note on how to prepare his own meal.

Good luck.

Just showed this thread to Mrs Pompa, she reluctantly agreed that I had been honest, but I still drive her mad leaving a mess in my wake and she would like me to help with housework without being prompted.
I agree about the mess, I can do 5 min work and make 30 min clearing up, but I do clear up, eventually.

Guess its a case of must try harder.

I don't understand why you don't stand up to the bugger more. You say you've had one row, why not have some more? Perhaps on a twice weekly basis. You say it's not much of a marriage. You might get lucky. He might leave.

Why are you cooking a meal every day?. No one needs to do that in this day and age. Have you not got a microwave and a Waitrose and a Marks and Sparks? Ready meals are excellent. (don't believe all the rubbish talked on here about them) Buy a bag or two of ready prepared veg to go with them.

There are only two of you. There can't be much housework to be done. Get a Roomba.

Don't just have one room of the house for yourself, have most of it. Chuck all his clutter into your son's room - he can deal with his father when he comes home on visits. If he's old enough to house share, he's old enough to deal with his dad over the junk in his room.

Grow some balls.

Wow go jinglbellsfrock ! Its true enough though. Somehow I suspect that he doesn't see writing as a real job- many men wouldn`t- and that he may feel quite proprietorial about the house and that housework is your job. If he brings home the bacon he may not think that he should cook it too? However, what I actually think is that he doesn't and wont think about it at all unless you highlight it to him, potentially quite firmly.
Maybe the housework/hoarding thing is a distraction though. Maybe you`re bored and irritated with him. What can you do about that? As others have suggested perhaps you could join a writers group or similar activity which gets you out of the house.
Or- get a decluttering guru in? Use it to emphasise to him how serious you are about things. Probably cheaper to just get some house clearance people to come and price up the job. That would give him something to think about. Drastic measures though. How about going out for a long lunch somewhere nice and telling him exactly how you feel?

Jings you're my type of women. Just say it as it is.

I agree about M & S meals and bags of veg. My sister is very critical of me rarely preparing veg and do you know what 'I don't give a monkey's'