Gransnet forums


Moving away

(20 Posts)
Sugarpufffairy Tue 21-Oct-14 00:50:10

Looking for suggestions or experiences. I have read on this forum about people who have moved abroad on retirement or earlier and then have problems when there was an economic downturn or one partner died. I have read also on this forum about someone who is thinking of leaving a partner but it would be damaging financially.
My problem is a bit different. My husband died a few years ago and my parent are both dead now. I only have 2 DDs, one of whom is in a difficult relationship for sure and the other is suspected of being under the thumb. I have 5 grandchildren from 14 to 1 years old. I have not seen the eldest two for 6 years (lots of complicated reasons for this which include Social Services). Another two (siblings and half siblings to the eldest two) live less than 5 miles away. I have not seen those two for over a month and even then I did not feel welcome in their house. The singleton DGC visits more often but often there are a load of texts and the next thing they have to go home. (Think it is the partner doing the texting. It was the same when she was at school and even at work she is told to take a sickie). Everyone has cars so it is not as if they have to walk or take loads of buses.
I try really hard not to be a whinning granny but I really wish things were different, The two DDs do not even communicate with each other much. This partner does not like that partner etc. I have tried to get on with both partners but they are both more than I would take from a partner of mine.
After all the deaths I now have my old house and the house I was brought up in. I dont feel "at home" or at ease in either house. I have tried to stay here so that I can see the DGC. That is not happening. I have also had some health problems which have made me think about my own future. I am over 60 and disabled. There are things I want to do and that includes moving from this city. I am thinking of moving about 100 miles away. The way I see it is that if I am going to be alone I might as well be alone in a better place than this. The view from this house is tenements. I would chose a rural location.
I have had bother with the neighbours who kept asking what I was doing about the house and the cars and generally interrogating me! When it became clear that I was not going to enter into this curiosity they stopped speaking to me at all.
I am scared of being even more lonely if I move to a completely different area and being so remote. I live in a huge city and it is very lonely. Has anyone or anyone you know ever done anything like this and how did it turn out.
Thanks a lot

Jane10 Tue 21-Oct-14 10:16:25

Sugarpufffairy. What a sad state of affairs. I`m so sorry to hear that you are so miserable. Is there some sort of compromise you could make? With 2 houses to sell you could maybe buy somewhere with a nicer outlook but not too far away from family? On the edge of town? A move to the country itself could be storing up other trouble for you in the long run and could be, potentially, socially isolating. The house sales and purchase would be an interesting and time consuming activity in itself but then you could make a conscious decision to find and engage with a new community altogether? There are lots of opportunities mentioned throughout the Gransnet website. This could also have the effect of shaking up your family a bit? Sorry, no easy answers but you do have some advantages.

Lona Tue 21-Oct-14 10:26:51

Sugarpuff Have you thought about renting somewhere after you've sold up, and then you could take your time, find the right place and area without being under pressure.
I hope you find some happiness and friendship flowers

Marmight Tue 21-Oct-14 11:03:41

Good idea Lona. Would suggest, if you want 'country' to look for a village which has a rail service, is on a bus route and has easy to access shops. My village has all 3, plus a beach, so it is possible... Also, research the facilities and find out what is available to do in that area - clubs, associations, groups etc.

Ariadne Tue 21-Oct-14 11:06:36

Sugarpuff do think carefully about a rural location! I think you would be happy out of the city, but somewhere like a market town might be better - thinking of medical services, shopping and so on, and things in which to get involved. Could you find somewhere like that not too far away from your family, despite the problems?

Where do you live? I am sure that, wherever it is, there will be someone on GN nearby, who would know the areas.

But - good for you for considering a change and taking control of your life! Good luck. flowers

posie Tue 21-Oct-14 11:08:18

Sugarpuff I would be wary of moving anywhere too remote.The countryside can be a cold, dark, lonely place in the wintertime!

Maybe as jane10 suggests on the edge of town? More things going on in towns to enable you to meet new people. You also need to be on bus routes, (even if you drive at the moment) easy access to doctors etc.

Mishap Tue 21-Oct-14 11:32:14

I agree that the country might be a bit OTT if it is not what you are used to. We live in the middle of nowhere and love it, but it was a choice we made when we were younger and fitter and we have good networks of friends and activities here now - that might be more difficult to achieve at your age and with a disability.

A friend of mine who is disabled has just moved to Norfolk and she seems to have the best of all worlds there. It is a small town and she can get to all the shops and activities she wants on her invalid scooter on the flat. She is near a green area and seems to be doing very well.

With 2 houses at your disposal, perhaps you could sell one and rent the other out to cover your rental of a property in another area and see how things go, as Lona has suggested. I think you need to keep your options open a bit, whilst still getting out there to see what the possibilities are. Perhaps you could look upon all this as a positive opportunity to start a new life, rather than feeling that things are unhappy for you and you are "running away."

I wish you good luck with your future plans.

Charleygirl Tue 21-Oct-14 12:33:00

It is a very good idea to consider renting first. As others have mentioned, you should be near facilities and if possible have a hospital which is not many miles away. As I grow older I find that Iuse facilities such as dentist, GP, optician and the local hospital more frequently.

Mentally move 10 years on and try to think how you may be then and what you may need because you mentioned I think that you are disabled. Do not rent a flat 2 floors up when in the near future you may require a downstairs flat or a house that can accommodate a stairlift.

Starling Tue 21-Oct-14 14:42:26

Do you have any friends you could move nearer to? If not perhaps take into account opportunities for making new friends in different locations. To avoid being more isolated and lonely you could think about social activities you could take part in. What are your interests - are there clubs and groups in any small country towns?

janerowena Tue 21-Oct-14 15:08:39

I would go to a small country town if I were in your position. Somewhere with a decent-sized clinic, such as the one in my nearest small town. With good travel links and good weather and a low crime rate, all of which you can google. Think of it as a project while the houses are on the market. I think it sounds quite exciting.

rosequartz Tue 21-Oct-14 21:16:17

Lona's suggestion of renting is a good one, as you can suss out an area before making a decision.

Small country towns are good if there is plenty going on, however, there sometimes seems to be a lot going on in some villages which have an active community life.

You could find out if there are local groups such as WI, U3A or TWG which you could join and make new friends that way.

rosesarered Tue 21-Oct-14 21:32:19

Like others say, I too would suggest a small town or very large village with GP and shops/pub etc.Think hard about the kind of place you would like[the county and so on.]It seems that it's time you pleased yourself for a change. A small market town and a house with a pretty garden sounds ideal, and you could then buy a pet, join a few clubs/groups.Good luck. The worst of all worlds would be to stay where you are and be miserable.

Sugarpufffairy Tue 21-Oct-14 22:12:36

Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I have had thoughts about renting rather than buying first. A lady at our local shop rented before she bought but that was to do with the way the housing market is. She wanted to know how much she could afford in comfort and be cash ready to buy when a good house came up.
One of the houses I own is a flat on the third floor and I know that it is beginning to get difficult. I live in the house which used to have a stair lift for my parents. If I was still in the house I would prefer to have an extension rather than a stair lift. I am too worried to sleep upstairs in the house.
I used to live in one of the remotest place in Scotland - the Western Isles - and I loved it. I think it is a bit too remote now. I came back to be my parents' carer. As the caring role increased I practically lost contact with the outside world. I dont know anyone here and I am out of touch with the Islands now.
I am looking for property around Argyllshire, Ayrshire and near to those areas. I am looking at towns or up to 5 miles outside. There are airports buses trains (in Ayrshire) ferries (in Argyllshire).
I think renting in an area to start with is probably the best plan. I could use the flat for rental and get the house up to scratch either for rent or sale. I am seeing a solicitor who is going to try to protect my assests from my DD. 1 of them is trying to get the house from me. The flat is not good enough she wants the house! She works the partner does not and he is into some kind of dope, I am not sure exactly what.
Thanks for all your very good suggestions.

Jane10 Wed 22-Oct-14 17:41:33

You sound like you`ve got a plan there! Sometimes its a matter of deciding and the rest is then just (!) a matter of problem solving. Its good you`ve got a solicitor organised. Good luck with it all and keep us posted.

Sugarpufffairy Wed 22-Oct-14 21:14:17

Thank you Jane 10. I saw the solicitor today. She is not an expert in the field that I wanted so I will look around for another solicitor.

Faye Thu 23-Oct-14 02:01:14

I would be doing the same as you are planning Sugarpuff if I was in your shoes. I moved nearly three years ago to a rural area but my situation is very different from yours. Even though I have family here I have found you have to join things so you don't feel isolated.

Putting yourself ten years on as Charleygirl posted is a good suggestion. Also how would you feel in ten years time if you stayed where you are now? Probably full of regrets that you didn't make the move when you could and stayed where you are not happy. How would you feel if you move to a place of your choosing not just moving there because of circumstances, such as caring for elderly parents? Probably a lot happier, especially if you are choosing a place where you want to be.

Best wishes, I am sure things will get better for you. flowers

Sugarpufffairy Thu 23-Oct-14 20:54:17

Hi Faye
I had to laugh there reading the bit about where would I be in 10 years if I did not move from here. I would likely be well round the bend in 10 years of living here. That is a good point. I may be over 60 and disabled but I can think for myself and get about fairly well and still drive. I could not contemplate another 10 years here, especially without my parents. I cant stand the local speech and I realise that where else would you expect the local speech I feel sad that I am the only one living here when there used to be more of us in the house. I need to get as far as it takes to get away from the dialect. Someone said to me when I asked about the place they used to live with their family even as an adult, that going makes makes them sad. I have tried looking for property but I think renting first is the best way.
Thanks to everyone who made posts with suggestions.

GillT57 Thu 23-Oct-14 21:00:33

A decent sized market town with a bank, chemist, M & S food hall decent bakers, and a tea shop or two is what you need. Throw in a couple of charity shops too; a great way to meet new people by volunteering. Move away, make a new life for yourself and your family can still visit as they wish.

Faye Fri 24-Oct-14 00:54:48

Renting is a much better idea, it gives you a chance to really know where you want to be.

dorsetpennt Mon 27-Oct-14 11:00:01

I live in a holiday/retirement town, we have a high number of retired people who moved here on their retirement. I think it can be a huge mistake.
When I worked in our local medical centre it wasn't uncommon to have an elderly patient seeing the GP for depression due to loneliness.
Most of my friends I met as a young mum when they were in primary school or at work. I've lived here for 30 years so I have a social circle.
My daughter lives in the same town and son and wife a few hours away.
It is more difficult to make friends when you are retired. Some way around it could be joining local clubs . However, I have been told that you will meet acquaintances but not the close friends that have some life history with you.
In a rural area you will be more isolated and as we get older we need to seek a bit more help . I'd think very carefully before making this decision.