How do you know that walking away is the right thing to do?

Don't stay away djen - I think it is a good question to ask when someone is contemplating ending a relationship. It helps to give a clearer perspective.

Annie - I hope you find a way of resolving your present dilemma, perhaps by retaining the relationship but by building a degree of life apart.

Exactly, annie, we never know the whole story.
Fortunately, if you walk away, there is a possibility that you can get back together again if you realise you have made a mistake.
That's why I was asking. The alternative is for widows like me to never mention it again and to stay off websites like this.
Would you rather I hadn't asked?

durhamjen, I think I understand why widows write something like you did and perhaps the motivation behind it - possibly hurt and anger and dealing with bereavement. Or it might just have been offered as a possibility of creating perspective.

It's a dangerous question to ask because the answer may be 'great' and I do know someone who was delighted when her husband was killed in a car crash. Also dangerous because it may just create guilt in the receiver. Also dangerous because you just don't know people's circumstances and actually I have experienced a lot of death in my family - my parents were both dead by the time I was 23 (I watched my mother be a depressed widow for nearly 20 years while I grew up) and the whole extended family had gone by the time I was 30. I know about death only too well and it probably isn't a useful yardstick for measuring a current relationship because the whole business of dealing with bereavement is a long and difficult process in itself.

Ending a relationship is a kind of bereavement and is not to be taken lightly, which is why I posted in the first place.

Oh, I do get lots of discussions about history as DH loves that - and astronomy - but find engineering, physics, the mechanics of this or that a bit, well - boring!
Him: "Are you listening to me?"
Me: "Yes of course!"
Him: "So you'll be able to sort out the toilet flush/central heating pump/ car thingy etc next time it goes wrong then?"

So funny how we often think of some better alternative scenario! As a practical person who's done a lot with bikes, I'd have loved the discussion re brakes. I do quite like having discussions about history, politics, the arts etc but find the encyclopaedic knowledge of DH hard to battle against and sometimes I just want to yawn and watch some crap tv and feel then that I'm not being serious or challenging enough!
I used to be part of a women's walking group and a similar cycling group. Both have collapsed but I used to enjoy the company and the relief of being able to chill and enjoy a different set of perspectives.

Banging my drum again - I'd suggest volunteering!

Sometimes I have wondered what it would have been like married to an intellectual, perhaps a university professor or a writer - would we have had stimulating discussions about literature, the arts, the meaning of life? However, I also am married to an engineer and this morning was being given a little talk and demonstration on how the new and exciting brakes on my neighbour's bicycle worked. Cue for neighbour's wife and me to both take on glazed expressions.

A couple of women I know go off on holiday with female friends once a year without their other halves, although I have not done that as I spent enough time on my own when DH was working away. I do think that for many people it is a good idea to get out at least for lunch, a day shopping or visiting somewhere nice or to a class - with friends and without the OH. Stops you getting too stale.

annie - we had a thread on Chore Wars - search for it!!

annie, If you leave your husband, family events become difficult. Graduations, weddings, looking after grandchildren etc. These are things you can share in the future. As others have advised, I think you should branch out yourself. Have you got a good friend you could have an adventurous holiday with perhaps?

Gosh annie; being married to an engineer my dream was to be married to a writer [which does prove the 'grass is greener' theory!]. Then again it was more of a fiction writer I wanted [one that walked around quoting poetry all day. The other dream partner was a glamorous explorer who would be endlessley fascinating when at home but away exploring for 90% of the time. A bit like you in that I crave adventure but what lets me down is my driving as I can't just jump in the car and take off to Cornwall at whim. And, on the subject of great adventures why not come along to one of the gransnet meet ups that happen from time to time? My marriage ended 12 or so years ago. At the time I didn't think much about the future as I was in such a complete emotional void and dreaded the sound of my husbands key in the door. However, had he not given me one of his pensions as part of the divorce settlement I would now be in a position of having to work for the rest of my life; I sometimes shudder at the thought of how my life could have been if that had happened. At the same time he used to visit friends and come back saying how happy they were and how tidy their houses were [I did point out that people tidy up when they have guests and try not to argue!] so he was thinking how much happier other people were as well.

Goodluckanniezz09 I said in another post I'm finding being 60 worse than being a teenager at least then you have the feeling that along with the angst something wonderful might happen. Where as now I somtimes think the best may well be behind me. On a positive note I am now mostly content( if I don't think too much)

I haven't managed to get back to this thread until now. Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the replies which make interesting and thought provoking reading. Really helpful with some useful advice and questions that will help with thinking things through.

I guess early 60s is a difficult time of life even without early parent death which does weigh on my mind. I think one of the reasons I haven't actually walked away is that I am all too aware that often the grass isn't really greener and that it's all too easy to take someone for granted.

In reply to Tegan, he is most of the time what he loosely calls a journalist, meaning he writes and edits. He writes factual books and he is always lost in the next one! That can sound wonderful but it means he's very impractical and other worldly. Sweet when real life doesn't pressure too much. The children are incredibly important to him (me too but his childhood was unhappy and he wanted something different for them) and we are still supporting two of them and will be for at least another year (at which point I can imagine the older one will suddenly have a child and then it'll be onto the next phase!).

I'm going to make sure I get away for a weekend or something and find some space for myself.

Probably this is for another thread, but I wonder if anyone heard the Woman's Hour series called Chore Wars? It really helps getting other people's perspectives on the nitty gritty of life.

Very sound advice from every poster. I would only add could you book a cottage in your ideal location for a few weeks without your husband. It might give you an idea of being on your own and a chance to see if you like the area.

I think the way you are feeling is common to many people in their later years - I sometimes feel that way myself. Some people may well be having a carefree, exciting time but many people are just pottering along doing ordinary things.

It seems like there are several things in your life that are making you feel unhappy and regretful and this general dissatisfaction is being transferred onto your husband.

On the face of it, it sounds like you've got a fairly good relationship with your husband. You still find him "attractive", you say he is "good, kind and hardworking" and that you are "reasonably good friends".

It sounds very adventurous and romantic living near a windswept beach or beautiful countryside. But, in reality, would it be much fun moving somewhere new and completely different, all on your own?

From what you say, it seems your husband is not against moving away, and - unless you think he has no intention of doing so and is hoping that you'll eventually drop the subject - that surely means your happiness is important to him?

You say you hate where you live (although, again, I think you might have a rather romanticised view of this ideal place where people all talk to one another). If you truly feel that your unhappiness is mainly due to where you live, perhaps you should have another serious talk with your husband to confirm that he really would be willing to re-locate. Then it's up to you to start the ball rolling- get your house valued, look for areas that you'd like to move to which would contain features that would appeal to both of you (not as quiet as you might like but not as busy as where you are now - perhaps a small country town with good transport links).

My own view is that forging a new life on your own, after many years together, is a very challenging thing and not to be undertaken lightly. Those who make that decision usually do so because they have been ill-treated by, have lost all respect for - and interest in - their partners or have come to actively dislike them. It doesn't sound like that is the case with you. Maybe you both need to get out together more frequently or take some short breaks.




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If the OP's husband were dead, he would be removed from the equation. But SHE would not. She would still feel that she was in the September of her life without having had a glorious summer, that she lived in a town full of academics and could not compete, that her skills and interests were second-rate. In short, that life was "weary, stale, flat and unprofitable".

The antidote to that is a change of scenery and the addition of some outings, not a change of companion.

You've got room to talk, jingl...

Oh! Stop talking about dying! Miserable lot!

And don't all pile in against durhamjen either.

I can see where Jendurham is coming from, and it is not just that Annie should be grateful that she still has a husband.

You are at a low ebb, you have thoughts of how your parents' life was over when they were about your age, you are surrounded by intellectual high achievers, and you feel you have accomplished nothing and have no time left to catch up.

If you can picture how you would feel if he were to die, and find that you wouild be appalled, that would clarify that what you need is not to subtract him from your life, but to add to it a dimension which it does not have at the moment. Perhaps a holiday alone doing what interests you would put a bit of sparkle back. A painting holiday somewhere beautiful? It might also make him appreciate you when you got back if you were not there as background scenery all the time.

All those University types are busy with theory, but I am willing to bet that there are other people around doing things with their bodies, hands and hearts. If you look for them, you will find them and share your enthusiasms.

I'm sorry for your loss DJ and I can tell it hit you hard. But this isn't about your loss is it? It's about listening to someone else and trying to understand her issues.
Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Yes, self-pity isn't the way forward. Not everyone is going to agree with your views, durhamjen, and it's not progressing Annie's decision-making, is it?

Whaaat?!

Stop feeling sorry for yerself. Come on!

Sorry, Ana. Obviously I am not allowed on Gransnet.

Ana

Yes. I suppose a fear like that could make you see things differently.

But I still think we have given good advice on here.

Even more

What's the relative's father got to do with his son's marriage?

There are no allegations of violence or desertion in the OP.

The parents of many people of our age are dead - both of mine died long ago, my mother at only 32.