How do you know that walking away is the right thing to do?

Your husband sounds quite adventurous. He has joined a choir and is still working. If you live in a city then there are loads of things you can do and join. Walking, book clubs, any sort of club - anything, you name it. By going through a horrendous divorce and all that it entails, what makes you think when you are by yourself that you will change and be what you think you can be. You can do that now with a supportive partner.
It sounds as if you just want a change. We all do as we get in our 60's and wonder what happened to the years. My sister left her husband of over 30 years and after 6 months was back. They went to counselling and all is now fine. Sometimes change is good and sometimes it ain't. You sound bored stiff. And just to let you know not everyone has exciting lives and travel all the time. It just seems that way to you.

What about a holiday to somewhere you have always wanted to go to. Go with a group.

You will have lots of fun researching, and space for yourself when away.

I have travelled a lot , India, S america, Africa, It was to do with work, and I always travelled alone.
In Europe we travelled as a family.

Good luck

annie you not alone in some of what you say, your DH sounds very like mine- he lives in his head, doesn't talk much and when he does its about politics. I think if he says he would move house you might have a closer look at the potential in this- do some research on Right Move or Zoopla. It also sounds to me as though your asking yourself a number of questions that many of us can relate to at this time in our lives. Although it may look as though others are leading a more exciting life you cant be sure of this. I feel this too as we lead a quiet life really. As to feeling stupid well I still do even with a university education. A lot of things people portray about themselves i.e. confidence and knowledge can be putting on a brave face and they may feel as you do in reality. I suppose the best thing you can do is keep sharing these feelings with Gransnet - I'm sure you are not alone.

Do you love each other, Anniezzz09? Have you really been able to say to him how you feel? It's not just about what he likes and what you feel he needs in his life, is it? I think perhaps we let things happen to us because it's easier to allow it than make a stand for what we want and need. Like you, I'm very aware of how life is whipping by and there are so many things I want to do, and know I'll never be able to do them, but that really is life, isn't it - either through family or financial commitments, we can never really be free spirits.
However, we do owe ourselves a lot. We do need to identify and try to fulfil some of the dreams we have.
Is it realistic for you to arrange a time away for you both? Away in the wilds up north or on an island in the Hebrides? If you can give yourself this a couple of times a year, it may give you what you need and something that is there for you which your DH can share with you (even if he can't wait to get back to the city). Good luck. I can empathise with you in this, believe me. .

I said that to my elder daughter once - "I feel I have done nothing with my life except bring up children". She gave me a right old telling off. Apparently I made a very good job of bringing all three of them up and I should be proud of myself for that. I think she has a point. They have lovely childhoods to look back on, and now they are adults that I can be proud of.

You don't have to move to be in nice places. Holiday lets outside of school holidays are quite cheap. Why don't you book a few short breaks, and then give the dates to your husband? And why not go on Booking.com and find a nice hotel abroad for you both for a few nights?

I wouldn't do anything huge, like "walking away" (that phrase makes it sound so simple - I doubt that it is). You have been with him 30 years. It's worth trying to change things before doing anything that could shatter both your lives. He is knocking on a bit now. He deserves a bit of consideration.

I don't know how that "Booking.com" became a link! I didn't make it one. (Other booking sites are of course available)

I think most of us get these feelings later in life. Dreams of Shirley Valentine. Do you think there are lots of people doing exciting things? I'm not so sure. As for 'university people make me feel stupid' you sound far from stupid to me. I worked for 37 years in what would be considered a 'lowly' position amongst so called intellectuals. Most of them had no clue about real life. Walking away can cause such devastation but there are those that do and are happy. Good luck.

The original question - how do you know when walking away is right. ???

My answer to myself was..... when it was impossible to stay.

Earlier years I spent trying to balance the pros and cons.
Then one day after 22 years of marriage, no rows or anything different, I just couldn't take my home life any more. Unhappiness was pushing me to the edge.

At that point there were no pros and cons. It was my sanity at stake and needing the ability to see my son ok through last school years, and as it happened onto university and a P.HD.

Staying was not an option.... but I had been unhappy for many years and stayed because I didn't want to hurt ex H.

One day....... me and my son came first. That was 20 years ago.

I feel for you OP.
Can you convince DH to talk, really talk and open up.

Yes, like coolgran says, you just know. It's when you can't take any more, and you don't really care what happens, you just have to get away!
You don't sound that desperate to me, so maybe try some of the above suggestions and see if you can inject some more life into your marriage.
Good luck

Sounds to me as if you've got a good marriage but am wondering if you're married to an engineer? I was for over 30 years and didn't appreciate the things he did [made things, fixed things etc] because our marriage was an emotional void. Can't help but feel that your marriage is worth working on. I read loads of self sufficiency books when I was married but unhappy; looking back I had that dream of walking away and having a smallholding but I can't grow anything, couldn't kill anything and couldn't do without nice clothes [which I rarely wear but like to own] and expensive make up etc. I reckon it's the fact that your parents died at 63 that is hanging over you. My mum was 69 and I'd finding that date transfixed in my head. If you were a 'boring' person first of all you wouldn't be wanting to do adventurous things and secondly you wouldn't be able to write the incredibly eloquent post that you've just put on here!

Rent a holiday cottage in the north or west or by a windswept beach. Go alone. Take a break from the city and daily routine. I think it's natural to want to do something by oneself occasionally. A week or two weeks thinking time won't go amiss.
I'd do this a couple of times in a year to see how it goes. Develop your independence and interests. You don't need to walk away to find that.
Really talk to your husband.

The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. Are there not clubs that you could join eg U3A or maybe the local TWG. I think that you need to sit down and talk, especially as your DH recognises that you are unhappy. As others have said, you need to do a bit more together. Good luck.

I think the fact that you are asking the question means the answer is that you should not walk away. Your marriage sounds much like, and considerably better than, many marriages at this stage in life. OK, there are differences in opinions and outlook, but where would you have found a clone (and would you seriously have wanted one)?

Of course you are asking yourself what the next phase of life holds and looking back on what you have achieved, but as jing rightly points out, bringing up a family is a monumental achievement. The problem of course is that it is so all-consuming that there is an apparent void when it stops.

It sounds as though your OH is listening to you if he is prepared to consider moving, even though he is happy where he is. To some extent (ill health excepted) we make our own happiness, and you would not be happy if it were at his expense. So.......get out there girl and do your own thing a bit. Put a bit of space between you now and again and go off on a holiday, a course or whatever by yourself. See what's out there.

Baby and bathwater springs to mind - if he was impossible or abusive, then the scenario would be different. But he isn't and the pair of you have rubbed along well enough for a long time - why chuck all those shared experiences and family ties away on a whim? You may be glad of his companionship one day if your health fails; and he of yours.

Loyalty need not mean boredom if you chose for it not to. It sometimes takes a bit of courage to get out and about and see the world a bit more when you are in a rut, but worth giving it a go before making an irrevocable change that will hurt so many people.

I think that is a very good post Mishap.

Some good posts above; I think many of us feel like this when we reach a certain age or stage in life - 'is this all there is?' and 'what is it all about?'.

I think finding new interests for yourself and also doing more together would be a good step forward - does your DH know how you really feel or is he just paying lip service to your thoughts and ideas?

You still have two children who seem to be fairly dependent on you - are you feeling a bit like a dogsbody? They are certainly old enough to look after themselves if you want to spend time on outside interests.

You could try some changes to your lifestyle first before doing anything drastic. If you still feel the same after a year or two then perhaps you can think again.

I've been divorced for 14 years and I still feel like this too so I don't necessarily think it is just in a marriage that these feelings occur. I have found new places to find new friends, start new courses and do some more excercise. It's the end of our children growing up into adults that makes us feel this way and the feeling that that part of our lives is over. Well, yes, good, it is. Time for us now and well deserved it is too! Pat yourself on the back for being a great mum and then look forward to your life ahead.

I am envious that you have such a great husband to share your life with. He sounds like a gem. Mine was violent so I had to leave. Go out, have seperate interests along with doing things together. This will keep conversation up when you are together though. It does not sound like you are wanting to split from him, just to find yourself. You can do that while still married. Go on a spiritual retreat, just for you. Or to an holistic hotel where you can be pampered and clear your mind. There is one in Scarborough. Embrace this time of your life, you have earned it.

I was going to say too that my dad has always worried about his mortality. His father died at 63 years old. My dad is 75 next month. He worried he would die at the same age and so obviously has not. Keep positive, worrying wont get us anywhere.

I agree with posts above. I was tempted to walk away many times when i was younger, as I am sure DH was (we have now been married 45 years). My DH is a good, kind, caring man. In the past, by his own admission, he was selfish and got his priorities wrong at times. I too had many faults. We were married quite young, I was 19 and he was 23, so things took a lot of settling in, if that's the right phrase. I can't think of anything worse now than branching out on my own, I would be lost. We used to have dreadful row, and say terrible things but then don't we all? He is ill now (hopefully to be cured) and I am desperately trying to keep him around. I do appreciate however that if my marriage was a bad one or unhappy, I would think very differently.

rows, not row

Make a list of all the things you would do if you split up.

See if you can do any of them without splitting up.

Do you want a different partner? If not then do you want to live alone?

If you don't want a new partner and you don't want to live alone, why not try out some of the things in your list eg rent a holiday cottage out of season in the wild place with the beach and the landscape. Go there for three weeks on your own. See what it's like.

Do a trial run. Weigh up the pros and cons.

Lots of relationships go through bad patches at times of great change like moving house, new babies, empty nest syndrome, retirement, big birthdays - are you sure that this sin't what is happening now and a bit of resettling into a different pattern is all that's needed.

Mishap mentioned baby and bathwater and I suspect you need to give it time and find something that interests you, without disturbing the status quo too much. Don't rush into changing things too much, too soon.

And keep talking to GN!

I can't give you advice as I did leave - for complicated reasons.
However, if you had love to start with and have shared memories of bringing up your children, then if you still get on well most of the time bear in mind the following difficulties if you separate....
It is constantly a problem when adult children and subsequent grandchildren visit or stay or attend family get togethers. There has to be so much taking turns and smiling through gritted teeth!

I had a big change when I was 62. My husband died.
What would you feel like if that happened?
Would the answer to that answer your question?

That's not fair!