How do you know that walking away is the right thing to do?

No, she was looking at her situation as a whole, and brought into it the fact that her parents were dead by the time they were three years older than she is.
The father of a relative of mine had had a heart attack when he was 50. When he was 49, my relative beat up his wife, got very drunk and went on the run. He was in the army at the time, so had the redcaps after him.
He resolved the situation, he is still with his wife, and will be 60 next year, in a happy marriage and with his first grandchild due. Things could have been very different for them.

I am sorry for your loss durhamjen.

I don't think it brings a different angle at all. What is this different angle?

It's not relevant at all.

Are you saying that Annie should stay with her husband, even though she's unhappy, just because some people's husbands die, and she should be grateful that she's still got one durhamjem?

It sounded as though you were trying to make anniezzz09 feel guilty for suggesting she was fed up with her present circumstances. I don't think that is fair.

No, it's not Jingle but it is food for thought. We all have different circumstances, different hopes and fears and it brings a different angle to the OP's question.

Anyway, I think it's relevant. Annie said that she was 60 and both her parents were dead by the time they were 63. She introduced the idea of death.

That's what I thought, jingle.
What's fair got to do with it? We can only answer from our own experience. Does that mean that those of us who have never had that particular experience are not allowed a view on any thread?

That's not fair!

I had a big change when I was 62. My husband died.
What would you feel like if that happened?
Would the answer to that answer your question?

I can't give you advice as I did leave - for complicated reasons.
However, if you had love to start with and have shared memories of bringing up your children, then if you still get on well most of the time bear in mind the following difficulties if you separate....
It is constantly a problem when adult children and subsequent grandchildren visit or stay or attend family get togethers. There has to be so much taking turns and smiling through gritted teeth!

Lots of relationships go through bad patches at times of great change like moving house, new babies, empty nest syndrome, retirement, big birthdays - are you sure that this sin't what is happening now and a bit of resettling into a different pattern is all that's needed.

Mishap mentioned baby and bathwater and I suspect you need to give it time and find something that interests you, without disturbing the status quo too much. Don't rush into changing things too much, too soon.

And keep talking to GN!

Make a list of all the things you would do if you split up.

See if you can do any of them without splitting up.

Do you want a different partner? If not then do you want to live alone?

If you don't want a new partner and you don't want to live alone, why not try out some of the things in your list eg rent a holiday cottage out of season in the wild place with the beach and the landscape. Go there for three weeks on your own. See what it's like.

Do a trial run. Weigh up the pros and cons.

rows, not row

I agree with posts above. I was tempted to walk away many times when i was younger, as I am sure DH was (we have now been married 45 years). My DH is a good, kind, caring man. In the past, by his own admission, he was selfish and got his priorities wrong at times. I too had many faults. We were married quite young, I was 19 and he was 23, so things took a lot of settling in, if that's the right phrase. I can't think of anything worse now than branching out on my own, I would be lost. We used to have dreadful row, and say terrible things but then don't we all? He is ill now (hopefully to be cured) and I am desperately trying to keep him around. I do appreciate however that if my marriage was a bad one or unhappy, I would think very differently.

I was going to say too that my dad has always worried about his mortality. His father died at 63 years old. My dad is 75 next month. He worried he would die at the same age and so obviously has not. Keep positive, worrying wont get us anywhere.

I've been divorced for 14 years and I still feel like this too so I don't necessarily think it is just in a marriage that these feelings occur. I have found new places to find new friends, start new courses and do some more excercise. It's the end of our children growing up into adults that makes us feel this way and the feeling that that part of our lives is over. Well, yes, good, it is. Time for us now and well deserved it is too! Pat yourself on the back for being a great mum and then look forward to your life ahead.

I am envious that you have such a great husband to share your life with. He sounds like a gem. Mine was violent so I had to leave. Go out, have seperate interests along with doing things together. This will keep conversation up when you are together though. It does not sound like you are wanting to split from him, just to find yourself. You can do that while still married. Go on a spiritual retreat, just for you. Or to an holistic hotel where you can be pampered and clear your mind. There is one in Scarborough. Embrace this time of your life, you have earned it.

Some good posts above; I think many of us feel like this when we reach a certain age or stage in life - 'is this all there is?' and 'what is it all about?'.

I think finding new interests for yourself and also doing more together would be a good step forward - does your DH know how you really feel or is he just paying lip service to your thoughts and ideas?

You still have two children who seem to be fairly dependent on you - are you feeling a bit like a dogsbody? They are certainly old enough to look after themselves if you want to spend time on outside interests.

You could try some changes to your lifestyle first before doing anything drastic. If you still feel the same after a year or two then perhaps you can think again.

I think that is a very good post Mishap.

I think the fact that you are asking the question means the answer is that you should not walk away. Your marriage sounds much like, and considerably better than, many marriages at this stage in life. OK, there are differences in opinions and outlook, but where would you have found a clone (and would you seriously have wanted one)?

Of course you are asking yourself what the next phase of life holds and looking back on what you have achieved, but as jing rightly points out, bringing up a family is a monumental achievement. The problem of course is that it is so all-consuming that there is an apparent void when it stops.

It sounds as though your OH is listening to you if he is prepared to consider moving, even though he is happy where he is. To some extent (ill health excepted) we make our own happiness, and you would not be happy if it were at his expense. So.......get out there girl and do your own thing a bit. Put a bit of space between you now and again and go off on a holiday, a course or whatever by yourself. See what's out there.

Baby and bathwater springs to mind - if he was impossible or abusive, then the scenario would be different. But he isn't and the pair of you have rubbed along well enough for a long time - why chuck all those shared experiences and family ties away on a whim? You may be glad of his companionship one day if your health fails; and he of yours.

Loyalty need not mean boredom if you chose for it not to. It sometimes takes a bit of courage to get out and about and see the world a bit more when you are in a rut, but worth giving it a go before making an irrevocable change that will hurt so many people.

The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. Are there not clubs that you could join eg U3A or maybe the local TWG. I think that you need to sit down and talk, especially as your DH recognises that you are unhappy. As others have said, you need to do a bit more together. Good luck.

Rent a holiday cottage in the north or west or by a windswept beach. Go alone. Take a break from the city and daily routine. I think it's natural to want to do something by oneself occasionally. A week or two weeks thinking time won't go amiss.
I'd do this a couple of times in a year to see how it goes. Develop your independence and interests. You don't need to walk away to find that.
Really talk to your husband.

Sounds to me as if you've got a good marriage but am wondering if you're married to an engineer? I was for over 30 years and didn't appreciate the things he did [made things, fixed things etc] because our marriage was an emotional void. Can't help but feel that your marriage is worth working on. I read loads of self sufficiency books when I was married but unhappy; looking back I had that dream of walking away and having a smallholding but I can't grow anything, couldn't kill anything and couldn't do without nice clothes [which I rarely wear but like to own] and expensive make up etc. I reckon it's the fact that your parents died at 63 that is hanging over you. My mum was 69 and I'd finding that date transfixed in my head. If you were a 'boring' person first of all you wouldn't be wanting to do adventurous things and secondly you wouldn't be able to write the incredibly eloquent post that you've just put on here!

Yes, like coolgran says, you just know. It's when you can't take any more, and you don't really care what happens, you just have to get away!
You don't sound that desperate to me, so maybe try some of the above suggestions and see if you can inject some more life into your marriage.
Good luck

The original question - how do you know when walking away is right. ???

My answer to myself was..... when it was impossible to stay.

Earlier years I spent trying to balance the pros and cons.
Then one day after 22 years of marriage, no rows or anything different, I just couldn't take my home life any more. Unhappiness was pushing me to the edge.

At that point there were no pros and cons. It was my sanity at stake and needing the ability to see my son ok through last school years, and as it happened onto university and a P.HD.

Staying was not an option.... but I had been unhappy for many years and stayed because I didn't want to hurt ex H.

One day....... me and my son came first. That was 20 years ago.

I feel for you OP.
Can you convince DH to talk, really talk and open up.