walking on eggshells with DiL to be

I do feel for you grumpyoldmaid and with it being a future DIL it makes it all the more difficult doesn't it,if it was a DD you could tell her to get her self in order pronto but DILs I find sometimes have to be treated with kid gloves before war breaks out,I do feel it is very unfair other members of your close family are being affected by her diva actions.
With your DS making the problem with alcohol less than you think do you think maybe he is doing this so no one says "I told you so" poor thing must be out of his mind trying to work out how to go forward,could his dad have a word or maybe a brother ?
My DS2 gets married in June 2016 and thank goodness a new house purchase has taken the spotlight off the wedding plans,so I know how you feel sweetie and I know how you feel.Do what I am doing and don't mention it unless necessary and keep you thoughts to yourself,just be there for your son & DGC and hopefully future DIL will see sense soon.

You're so right FlicketyB, what a good analogy "alien possession' is

It does sound as if the problem is the alcohol. Perhaps it would help if you could see her behaviour as being the outward sign of the inward problem rather than her expressing how she really feels.

I always think that a drink problem is like alien possession It turns the drinker into something they are not.

Oh dear she sounds a real Bridezilla I can't really offer anything more constructive but family members who behave badly should be told about it and not allowed to upset others. That amount of alcohol is likely to make her argumentative - a good idea to get some advice and support for you it does sound as though this young woman is in some difficulty all round.

thank you for the replies sorry its taken so long to reply
I think she is dependent on the alcohol as it is every night although she does suffer from depression and although did get help from the drs has convinced herself that she doesn't need the medication she also has had a very hard life and has parents who are heavy drinkers so I feel that doesn't help.
soontobe I always say love to you all as I end a phone call if I talk to her and try to keep my tone of voice friendly and welcoming when she phones even though some times my heart sinks when I realise its her ringing it does make me very sad that it is like this
I have tried to talk to my son about her drinking but he tries to minimise it so I think that makes him part of the problem although maybe its a defensive measure
Iam64 thank you for the al anon idea I hadn't thought of them but will give them a ring when I get a chance might help me help my son to deal with this

I feel for you grumpy, I agree with the comments from Nelliemoser and Eloethan about this relationship.

It sounds as though you've been managing a very difficult and worrying situation well. A couple of bottles of wine a night is going some isn't it, suggesting alcohol dependency/abuse is well established. It is so hard with individuals who drink like this to know which comes first, the mental health problems like depression/anxiety that the drinker is trying to mask, or the depression and anxiety caused by drinking so excessively. She sounds to have a demanding and self absorbed approach to life and like you, I wonder what it's like for your son and grandson to live with this emotional roller coaster.

It sounds as though you're all treading egg shells. Have you tried to talk to your son about the drinking? Al Anon can provide sound advice to relatives in your situation.

It is obvious from what you have written, that the problems are not of your making.

It is also obvious that you wont "win" with her. Sounds like no one does at present.

If she takes everything as a dig, she is being defensive.
Has she always been like that?

Perhaps when you do speak to her, you sort of always end the phone call with "love to you" or something similar.

It does sound to me as though the alcohol could be making her behave so badly. I don't know what you can do other than speak to your ds, but it seems like she needs help.

I often tend to ignore the phone as I have caller id and I know my son is at work but they live so far away phone contact is all we really get and I would hate to miss talking to him or the gc maybe I will let others answer the phone and only be here if it him or gc

Thank you its good to talk about this.
They don't have the money for this wedding although her parents have offered to pay a big chunk of it.
It does seem like a car crash waiting to happen I know they have almost separated on several occasions but my son seems to have developed head in the sand tendencies and seem to think if he ignores it all then it isn't happening. I have tried to speak to him I don't judge or offer advise just asked him if he needed to talk and promised I wouldn't judge but he seems very closed off and almost like if he doesn't acknowledge the problem its going to go away, I do know he likes a quiet life and loves his dc to pieces and would not want to leave dc behind if he left so I feel he is trying to keep it all together. I personally worry the drinking that dil does is causing a lot of this trouble but maybe the drinking has been caused by the fact there are cracks in the relationship she seems to think that a couple of bottles of cheap wine a night is not an issue I guess maybe its caused by the issues

As you say she seems to upset and annoy everybody, I think I'd try to ignore her histrionics. If you find it difficult not to get drawn in, just try to keep out of her way - if you've got caller display don't answer her calls, etc.

I do think *Nelliemoser" might be on to something re this sudden wish to marry. I suppose you could ask you son if he thinks they are doing the right thing, since it seems to be causing so much stress. Is she domineering with him too? If he has any influence over her at all, perhaps he should tell her that if getting married is going to cause all this upset maybe they should reconsider whether it's the right thing to do.

Basically, if I were you, I'd just try to avoid her as much as possible.

I cannot help feeling that after 10yrs together the "sudden" idea of marrying can often be a precursor to the end of the relationship, particularly given the tensions.

I wonder if she has been dissatisfied with the relationship for a while but is hoping that getting married with a big expensive wedding will make everything better?

This is the time to talk in confidence to your son about how he really feels with regard to all these goings on. You would need to raise the subject very gently with out any blame either way. Ask him if he is worried about it all he might be pleased you have.

It is never going to be easy but maybe you could avert what might be like watching a slow motion car crash.

You are talking about some of the fears I would have if my son ever married his girlfriend.

I hope it gets sorted out.

So they live together and haver a child then? Let's hope your son sees the light asap- but of course a child makes it so much harder to walk away.
Can they afford the sort of wedding she wants- or are they going to get into serious debt due to this?

thanks Mishap that's what I am trying very hard to do but the constant phone calls and upsetting of my other dc is so very hard, sad thing is they have been together for over 10 years she has always been this way inclinded but not to the same degree as now seems she has ramped up the drama I do worry if we are getting this much grief what is happening to my son and dgc

Sounds like a nightmare - you poor thing.

If the wedding is causing problems now and it is 2 years away, heaven knows what it will be like as the date draws nearer.

Maybe it will never happen - it really does not sound like a match made in heaven.

Good luck with it all - but remember - it is not your problem and you need to stand back and make sure that you do not allow yourself to become so involved that it makes you ill. Try and stay on the sidelines as much as poss would be my thought.

just my time really and its freely given, but emotionally its has drained me to the bottom she bitches and rows with everyone and that's not me I don't like it I would rather a quiet life at the moment she is causing problems for one of my other dc and this inturn is causing problems at home

This is so hard and I so feel for you. And there is probably no solution either.

These big weddings planned years in advance are also a total disaster I feel- the pressure on youngsters to out-perform friends, be it with the ring, the venue, the dress, etc, etc, and running up debts of 10000s of £ is heer madness. And the problem is, that by the time the planning stress has showed up all the flaws in the relationship- they still have to go ahead because back tracking is almost impossible due to huge costs that can't be cancelled.

Hopefully your son will get the message soon- before it is too late. How much are you expected to contribute to this Hollywood folly?

My heart goes out to you.