Brick-wall situation regarding DGD.

Send her a card with a cheque or a voucher in it. Ignore her behaviour. She will grow up soon. Try not to worry. Easier said than done, I know.

Marelli that is so sad. How I feel for you. I had a similar situation myself some years ago with two of my GSs but luckily in my case it didn't last for long.

I wonder if your (separated) SIL uses your GD in his battles with your DD. Very wrong if he is.

I think all you can do is somehow let your GD know you are there for her come what may and then wait to see what happens.

I wonder how your DD is managing the estrangement from her DD.

Jings, I was thinking of doing that. It's really all I can do... .
petallus, when I spoke to her that afternoon, I told her that I loved her and that I'd always be here for her for when she was ready. DD is putting on a brave front - she texts her most days, but gets no reply. She's contacted her ex-DH and asked how she is, and the reply is that she's ok. After I'd spoken to DGD that afternoon, I texted SiL to say I'd done so. He'd said the choice was hers and that was an end to it.
DD is now speaking more about how controlling he was and how she spent so much time out of the living area of the house as she didn't feel welcome sitting with them.
I just feel so sad that my DD has struggled with this for so many years before finally giving up on it. And I hadn't known just how unhappy she was.

How sad Marelli.

I think jingl's idea is a good one. I also think your DD is right to keep texting, even though she gets no response. However long it might take, your DGD will always know that she is loved. Thank goodness your DD has you to care for her. (((Hugs))) for both of you.

My lovely old gran would say, when faced with painful times, 'it's a long road that has no turning'. I do hope the turning will come soon xx

Marelli What a sad situation, I really feel for you and your dd. I think jings is right, just keep on sending your love

I agree with the posts here.

Your DGD may be feeling disloyal to her dad if she contacts her mum and you.
Hopefully she will change this at some point.

I think it is very telling that your DGD is furious with her mother for leaving.

Do you think that her dad has some sort of power and hold over your DGD?

So do I, nightowl. DD is here just now and I've showed her the very sensible and kind comments. I think it's helped her a good bit, really.
I think before DGD was born the controlling, criticising ways of my ex-SIL made themselves apparent, but DD just put up with it. She's now living with her sister (my other DD) who decided to estrange herself from me yet again last year (families - who'd have 'em?) .
However, one thing has come out of this. My estranged DD is helping her sister so much - she's talking with her and in many ways counselling her. She's made her welcome in her home but doesn't smother her. I think she felt smothered and bullied before she left her DH and DD. Many would immediately be critical of a mother leaving her DD, but this was an impossible situation. I think perhaps DGD feels she has gone so far that she doesn't know how to turn it round again. I hope she's not too proud or stubborn to let us back into her life again. She's ignoring the existence of all of her mum's side of the family. She's doing well at school, and always has, but she's missing out on so much.

I could weep, it's so sad. Stay in touch, even if you don't get a response.

I have read that when families get estranged, it can become harder and harder to turn things back.

I think that if I were you, I would at some point tell DGD that you will accept her back at any point. That it will be ok. That she is still a child and you wont hold anything against her.

soontobe, this is what I aim for. When I spoke to her (so briefly) that afternoon, I told her I'd always be there for her, but I know I do have to keep letting her reminding her of this, just in case she has a change of heart. I honestly don't feel that ex-SIL has had any 'power' or 'hold' over DGD, (or anything sinister, thankfully). He has two adult sons from a previous marriage, and DD remarked tonight that one of them has the same sarcastic manner as his father and, unfortunately, as does DGD.
She's always seemed happy at school, quite clever, and has friends who are similar to herself in that they attend to their homework etc, and although she goes out with them, she doesn't overdo the 'hanging about' that often can happen at that age.
I'm just so concerned that at this time in her life she does need the rest of us who love her so much. Apparently she has a boyfriend now. There are no females on her father's side of the family apart from his mum, who's a lovely person, but busy with her own DH who doesn't keep all that well.
Must just keep trying....there can be no harm in doing that.

Just re-read that last post - should have written 'I do have to keep reminding her of this'.

Do you think that she was not expecting her mother to leave?

Marelli

Thank you harrigran . soontobe, I really don't think she expected my DD to leave. For all of the tirades over the years, the screaming, and roaring that she'd done, telling her how she hated her and that she was ugly, fat and stupid.....(DD is anything but...), I don't think it ever occurred to her or her father that she would go. However, this is a child we're talking about. There should have been a much more definite input regarding the boundaries set when her challenging behaviour took off. I had been aware of the tantrums and the kicking and screaming when she was younger and didn't get what she wanted. She was also very aware that this behaviour caused friction between her parents - so often, more challenging behaviour ensued. One evening, SIL's own sister had witnessed this and had told her mother (DD's MIL), who turned up at the house and told DGD to pack some night things because she was taking her back with her, seeing as she was so badly behaved at home . SIL was on nights at the time. DD was exhausted and allowed this to go ahead. I don't think she should have let her MIL take the lead here, and that she should have stood her ground, though I haven't said so.

Marelli, this is a really sad situation for you but with lots of good advice here. Your instinct is right, I think, to just continue to be there and to ensure your DGD knows that is the case!

What Jingle said.

Just to add this, which I know you know already. Remain a constant fixture for her. She sounds a bright girl. She's young. Her trust in others has been tested, and she is testing others (you and DD) Always has from what I remember. Lay aside your expectations of what you want from her in your relationship, but stay on her radar. She's a lot of growing up to do yet.

Sorry you're having such a sad time. .

Marelli I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. You've been in my thoughts recently as I hadn't seen you much on here.

I can't add anything to the sensible advice you've been given already. I know you will always be ready to reach out to her when she is ready.

for you and a virtual {{hug}} for now.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, Marelli. Keep communication open and send her presents and cards telling her you're always there when she needs you and would love to see her. It must be confusing for her - I guess she learned to be abusive to her mum by observing her father. She'll continue to observe him and, hopefully, see him in a clearer light as she matures. It's difficult enough for many teenagers living in more stable circumstances, so having you there as a constant will be invaluable for her.

Oh dear marelli . Such a sad situation. Maybe your DGD is like your SiL in personality? At that age with school work and a boyfriend to contend with maybe she`s just displaying the selfishness of adolescence. I`m more worried about your poor DD. Her world has come to a full stop. Her home, husband, child and all that that subsumes has summarily gone. She`s living in someone else`s house. Poor thing. Poor you. With GN you know you`re not alone though. You`re in my thoughts anyway!

Poor girl and poor you. But be thankful that she is sharp enough to keep up with her education. Maybe send her cards for Xmas and birthday as you wish, with just a small token gift but tell her that you are putting money away for her further education/University. That way you will not waste money on buying anything which may be thrown away in a fit of pique.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments. You are gems, you really are.
Jane10, in many respects, DGD takes after her dad in her personality - there's very little of her mum, when I think of it. She was always very impatient, whereas DD is gentle and laid-back (though nobody's fool, I hasten to add!) Sometimes when I was visiting I saw how impatient DGD was with her mum, criticising her in all sorts of ways, and her father would say nothing. DD got to the point where she used to go upstairs straight after dinner, leaving DGD and SIL downstairs watching what DGD wanted to see on TV.
Now that she's living at her sister's house, she's much more relaxed. They don't see each other every day as her sister spends time with her boyfriend and various friends. So that's a good thing. She eats with us once a week and has a good blether about things. Thankfully she has a good job that she enjoys and is good at. She's also got good friends - who SIL did not like her spending time with, I have to say.
I'm so glad that all of your comments suggest I do what I've been doing - texting now and again. When I do this, I don't plead or make it all hearts and flowers - I just mention that I'm missing her and tell her about different things that we've been doing.

What's so sad is that you DGD is missing out on such a smashing grandma . On the bright side, the support your daughter is getting from her sister proves the old adage 'blood is thicker than water' which means that your grandaughter will work her way back to you one day I'm sure.

Sorry to read of this sadness, marelli, on top of what you had to deal with already

Exactly what Tegan said Marelli with a huge (((hug))) thrown in.