Son being mentally abused by wife???

All you can do at the moment is support them both. They are a young couple with a young baby and it sounds as though your DiL is struggling. Looking after a 7 month old baby is going to be draining so she is probably taking out her anxiety on your DS because he's first in the firing line. She may also resent the fact he's in a job where camaraderie and support from colleagues is a given.

As a young mum with two babies only 11 months apart, I can remember bottling up all kinds of frustration during the day and then letting poor DH have both barrels as soon as he walked in the door although I didn't resort to verbal abuse.

Talk to your DS and ask him if he thinks looking after the baby is getting on top of her and making her feel isolated. You say he's unhappy but it sounds like his wife is as well.

Good Luck.

I can echo that! It is very hard, and service life, as I know only too well, doesn't leave much emotional room in a marriage sometimes.

Is it your son who has made this known to you? - or did you become aware of it in some other way?

I think the front of normality may be a very solid thing for them both to cling to.

I agree with merlot - this lass is not happy and under strain and all you can do is be there for her and above all else not take sides, even though you are distressed for your son. If he is in the armed forces there shold be welfare services and opportunities for her to socialise with other young mums and wives. Might be worth consulting SAAFA.

This sounds like a very difficult situation for you, but please tread very carefully before you get involved. You say you have just found out....does this mean your son told you? Remember there are always two sides to a story. It is early days in their marriage and there may be all sorts of ways to work through this problem. It is quite amazing how some couples get through difficulties that others would deem impossible. But it is their problem, and surely it is best for you to be 'normal' for now; be there for your son and most importantly, grandson, so that you can help and support all of them. If you give any hint of criticism that could affect your relationship with all of them....for many years to come!! If the worst should happen and they do separate, you want to be on the very best of terms with DIL to maintain contact with your grandson. if your son needs some help, encourage him to seek advice from professionals, so you can remain nuetral. And try not to judge too harshly, until you have heard both sides.
You really have my sympathy, it is very hard to sit back, but I think we have to.

This makes me uneasy, because if the genders were reversed I think the advice being given might be very different. We accept that verbal and emotional abuse of a woman by a man is destructive and harmful. I think in that situation many of us might even be suggesting that the woman should leave. I believe that vampirequeen recently started a thread on the fact that domestic abuse of men goes unrecognised and sources of support are few. I can understand that your son will not want to leave for the sake of his child and at the risk of losing his son. In that sense men can feel trapped in bad relationships in a different way from women, but one that is equally difficult.

Having said all that, I agree that you need to tread carefully and much depends on how much your son is actually saying to you. They may come through this difficult time, given non judgmental support, and it is important that you try to maintain relationships with both parties. Tread carefully, but let your son know that you will be there to support him. Mishap's suggestion to contact SSAFA is a good one.

Dear Jen this is such a difficult situation for you.

Verbal and emotional abuse is soul destroying. And it's very hard for a man to be on the receiving end. Particularly as the armed forces are supposed to convey a 'macho' image.

Just some thoughts:

Can he get support and help from the Families Officer?
Has he confided in a work colleague?
Can he speak to the Chaplain?

He needs to be able to 'off-load' in a safe, confidential place. I know that the Chaplaincy are used to dealing with domestic problems...one doesn't have to be religious to approach them. SSAFFA provide confidential support too.
You didn't say if your son lives on a base/service housing. In any case, a word with his NCO or someone in authority will help to steer him in the right direction. Whatever happens he's going to need support from the work, and it's not a sign of weakness on his part, it won't be seen as that.

Is your Dil is taking advantage of your kindness, don't be offended at my saying that, I know you are happy to help, especially as she is young. Being constantly in touch with you could be a genuine need for help. It could be manipulative and if that is the case then there is something troubling her.

Might she have post natal depression? She could be finding life very scary. That brings me to say...she needs to talk to someone too. Her Health Visitor would be a good start. Once again SSAFFA have workers that visit Mums and families. It sounds awful to say it, but the armed services need their personnel to function at full capacity, so it's in their interest to see that there is support available for families.

I know it's difficult as a parent to see your son so unhappy. I don't think it's good for the situation to be ignored. Help for them separately might clarify their situation, and give them tools to make the right decisions.

I hope this gives you some ideas on what to do. I experienced similar. Also I worked with armed service families until I retired.

Have a good chat with your son, let him know you are always there for him

[hug]

Was your DIL like this before she had the baby? Could it be PND?

That said there is no way your son should have to put up with this. If he doesn't act now it will just get worse and worse.

There are several support sites on the internet such as

www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php.html

or

www.mankind.org.uk/

It might be worth having a look at them in the first instance.

It's difficult for any man to admit he's being abused. DH was in the forces and he said it would be even harder to admit it in the macho world of the barracks.

I am with Nightowl on this. Why is it that we feel differently when a woman is abusing a man to when it is the other way round?

Your son will not get the support his wife would get, he will have an uphill struggle and if they split she may well do all she can to prevent or limit his access to his child. If Social Services get involved it is very likely they will believe all she says and nothing he says.

Some women are just plain manipulative and selfish. Some just want the children and the father to pay. Believe me, I know.

It sounds as though they both need some help and support. I am sure you are doing all you can as a family member; but maybe they need some external help. Being a service family is stressful for all concerned and there are sources of help they can tap in to.

Jen67 What a sad situation for your DS and his wife to be in,two youngsters getting used to living together and a new baby but she should not be abusing your son in any way at all,does your DIL have any friends she see's during the day/are they in a new area away from her family/does she have support of a health visitor ?.
Your boy should really see the families Officer and talk through his concerns and one of their team will maybe call "on the of chance" to visit your DIL to see how she is coping on a daily basis.
It is scary for a young wife in The Services to find where she fits in with all the other wives and mums as they move on so much, she may also be bewildered as to the terms and conditions she has to adhere to if she is in family housing and feels out of her depth.

However, as the popular quote says, “prevention is better than cure,” these days, many people seem to consider this mantra quite seriously. Therefore, here are the best tips to prevent substance abuse.

1. Learn to handle peer pressure

2. Learn to deal with pressure

3. Opt for help if experiencing mental illness

4. Ensure to keep a balance between your professional and personal life.

He has to be strong. Talk to him and ask if he wants to change somth in his life. Maybe a divorce will be better for them?

You say they are both young, and a baby was on the way before they had any time together as a married couple.
I think the young mum sounds as if she's struggling (no way am I condoning her behaviour, abuse is never acceptable) and apart from you, doesn't seem to have any other support.
My friend's young DD was very similar and once the reality of caring for a baby hit her, behaved very similarly. She resented not going out with friends whenever she liked, was exhausted and her husband copped the lot. Things did improve but it was a tricky time.
Could you sit down with both of them over a cuppa and just ask how things are going? Or do you think things have gone too far?

I see that the original post was last November (2014) - I wonder if Jen67 is still around, and if so, how things are?

Am I alone in feeling somewhat at mouni's and fili's posts?
I wasn't aware substance abuse was at issue here, and as adults surely the couple should be working something out, to suggest divorce at this stage seems to be jumping the gun (and interfering !) -surely a suggestion of counselling is as much interference as parents should consider.

Ask yourself, an ex-Sam should you be rushing to judgement on so little?

Precisely my point-rushing to advise divorce on so little. Hence my suggestion that suggesting counselling to the young couple might be as far as parents should go in "interfering" at this stage.
What is your point?

Going back to OP - no mention of substance abuse and says DS does not a divorce -hence my at the 2posts I mentioned.

My point Soutra is your question. To which my answer is 'no'. Fili is a new poster so as such deserves to be made to feel welcome.

Do you know that? [wrist slapped] emoticon.

And mouni isn't'?

This is descending to the level of the playground. Yes, consider your wrists slapped if that appeals to you. Otherwise I'd prefer you took some 'time out' on the thinking step to consider your answers.

It's either that or the naughty step!

? On the thinking/naughty step for not agreeing with a post? I was wondering what substance abuse had to do with the original question too and thinking that mouni may not have read it properly before replying. is not an unreasonable reaction.

And divorce was mentioned in the OP but as something that he doesn't want to do. Disagreeing with Fili is not necessarily being unwelcoming to him/her.

What a strange interpretation to put on my post Elegran