Widowhood.

durhamjen you echo my feelings, having lost my husband of 51 years in 2013 to Leukaemia.
I have a post-it note on my kitchen window-ledge - "You can't always feel happy, but you can strive to flourish."
It's just moments like closing down the garage door with such finality when I waver. I had a CD on in my car recently with all the old favourites and I just started to howl as I drove. There will always be moments like this that are yours alone. You just have to work your way through them. I went straight into the Co-op cafe and had a coffee and a big piece of cake.
Strategies have to be put in place, like crashing about with the hoover, savage pruning with the shears, making pancakes, even cleaning windows! You can't light candles around your bath or write poetry and stuff like that, because they just heighten your emotional state!

(I also have a post-it note on my window-ledge that one granddaughter wrote-"Remember to itch your feet today". What's that all about?? It makes me smile...

Evening All

www.way-up.co.uk is a website for those bereaved over the age of 50 where there is support, laughter, advice, shared information and - best of all - meets all over the country.

I have been a member for a few years and can thoroughly recommend it.

Really interested in your posting falconbird. You have given me something to think about. May even have to consider bereavement counselling. Hope you have a good day.

I do so agree that dwelling on happy times in the past isn't always helpful. It does make me so sad so I try not to do it.

I think it's something people say when they don't know how to help.

I went to Cruse for six weeks in the early days and that was very helpful. The Counsellor let me cry and just let it all out. I went to a group first of all but that didn't suit me so I had six weeks one to one with a specially trained bereavement Counsellor.

I wouldn't advise going to a Counsellor who isn't specifically trained in bereavement.

You can't just get over it as some people think - but time does heal. I think the best advice I was given was to be kind to yourself. For me joining Gransnet was a way of being kind to myself and I've found it so helpful.

I also joined Face book and reconnected with some long lost relatives. I also buy myself "stuff on" Amazon and have a coffee on my own, as well as with friends. It's amazing how many people are on their own in restaurants.

As I've mentioned before I joined the TWG where I've met a lot of older widows who have been bereaved for years and their courage helps me such a lot.

If you can find out what makes you feel a little bit better it does help but of course nothing will ever take away that pain of loss.

Thank you for sending message, I will get started keeping in touch now that I,v found this site it appears very friendly and I,m sure I will get and give some comfort as time passes

Hello rascal. Thank you for making contact. You are a very wise lady who is much further down the grieving line than me. I'm so sorry that you still miss your dear husband so much.
I find I am unable to think about my darling husband at all at this moment in time. It's the only way I can get through the day/night. Someone told me to remember the good times when he was healthy, but I'm afraid that only upsets me even more. I will take your advice and try to move forward a little at a time and stop dwelling on the past. I will also have a look at the link for silver line. Thanks again. This forum is invaluable. R x

Hello nannieoz111 I totally understand how difficult this new chapter of our lives is to cope with. I found after about four years I felt a bit easier with my situation. You just have to try to take a day at a time and try to move forward a little. They say time is a great healer but I know I will never totally heal. I just miss my dear husband so much. I find now that if I try not to dwell on the past it seems to help me not get into such a state like I used to do.

You mentioned that you're not able to sleep and are waken through the night. I was wondering if you know about the Silver Line? You can phone them anytime, yes through the night too, as there is always someone there to talk to. It is a free telephone number; 0800 4 70 80 90

Here is a link for more information;

www.thesilverline.org.uk/

I try to think that there are other people having to cope with the same situation. I know it doesn't help much but I hope it helps me a little to put things into perspective. You are in my thoughts...

Onlythelonly. If you do nothing else, please keep popping in to this forum. You will find lots of lovely grans who will be happy to chat and help you through these early days.

Falconbird thank you for your kind words.

I too am glad I joined gransnet. It provides the daily chat that we both miss with our DH's. I read a lot of the postings and join in where I can. As you say, it's still early days, but I find this forum very helpful (especially in the middle of the night when I am not asleep)

I know you are still sensitive and I wish you well. Keep up the good work!

onlythelonly - I think it's a good idea to take things slowly. It's still very early days for you .

I went back to church where I met other widows, joined the Mothers'Union and go to a group called Knit and Natter. It's really hard at first.

Love to you nannieroz.

I'm so glad I joined Gransnet - it's a wonderful place to say how you feel without friends and family getting too worried about you.

The thing I miss above all others is the day to day conversations I had with my DH. Just the chit chat about our kids grandchildren our health, the news. you know what I mean.

Hello only the lonely. My hubby also died in October so I know exactly what you are going through. I would like to offer my friendship so that you will not feel so alone.

I am another lonely very sad widow,hubby died October after 3years dementia.we were all ways together and happy that way, but now I am alone and finding it difficult to get out and about on my own . I would like to meet new friends but old habits are hard to change.Anyone got some ideas ???. Sad

I am lucky enough to still have my OH and my heart goes out to all of you. Your posts are so brave.

Sunseeker, I share your feelings exactly. I lost my DH 6 and a quarter years ago, followed 16 months later by the loss of my younger daughter from very bad PND,which led to her taking her own life aged 33.
During most days now I do try to see other people ,either by volunteering, or by joining in local U3A. groups , or seeing longer term friends.
This has taken me a long time and is good, but the loneliness sets in when I return to my Apartment. ,having had to sell the family home after losing my DH. The Winter evenings are especially long and I long for 'someone to talk to.
My elder DD and family live in the same city, but I still don't get to see them all that often as they lead busy lives ,with 2 children and jobs in the NHS.
My younger daughter left 2 beautiful girls but they live 300 . miles away, so I only see them very rarely.
I try to keep busy as much as possible but nothing makes up for having someone special to share life's ups and downs with.

Tegan - yes of course you make sense - I was super-independent when I was married - never thought twice about pursuing my interests alone. Whenever we attended social events, we virtually parted company as we arrived and only met up again at the end of the evening to go home. And I had no sense of being alone, ever.

Its when you are alone in reality that you feel its engraved on your forehead. I can't imagine trusting someone again, never mind committing to an exclusive relationship. Looking at available profiles in my age group on dating websites is extremely depressing. They all look so old and sound so needy. I have many friends who are constantly inviting me to events and lunches and dinner parties. I hate being the one who makes the numbers 'odd', but they make nothing of it. Last weekend I gave a supper party and invited a gay friend which made our number 'even', which was very nice.

I just keep telling myself to relish being free of a relationship which gave me so much angst - so this is what I do...appreciate the freedom.

sewsilver thank you for your welcome. I have to say I have found this site to be a little bit of a life saver this last week or so. Hope you will feel better tomorrow.

Welcome nannieroz to Gransnet. I'm another widow who finds this site supportive and hope you do too. A wobbly day today as it was our wedding anniversary. It snowed on the day we married and is snowing again now. Poignant!

I'm two and a half years down the road now and have actually asked a couple DH and I were friendly with to call in for a drink and a chat.

I never thought I would manage that but it will be good to talk about old times.

It's a difficult line to walk Ann.

Hi falconbird. I do accept these invitations with my couples friends. I spend such a huge part of my life alone that I do not want to look a gift horse in the mouth. However, I do think that its so different a relationship now.

On the home waiting for you scenario........ I was driving home when I saw an unmarked police car stop someone for speeding. My first thought was... Oh oh, must tell DH to take care. What a shock when I suddenly remembered.

I also still have DH and when with widowed friends of which I have one or two I have found I have to be very careful of moaning or critising him even jokingly as I get reproachful looks and "at least you still have him".I am starting to get anxious sometimes and have been mortified on occasions.

I am fortunate to still have my DH.

However, I do find that some of my widowed friends do resent this. If I say there was a problem with the car/electrics/light bulb one particularly friend always says 'well it's alright for you your DH can mend it'. I now avoid this type of conversation.

I was with another widowed friend today who is a writer and she read me a small article she had written about widowhood and how some married friends are referred to as 'the smug married', which rather shocked me but I was not offended as I really do not think she meant me.

When I said if I was widowed I would not remarry as a) I couldn't find someone as good to me as my DH and b) I don't like men with hairy ears or dirty finger nails. She retorted 'you may change your mind', well I doubt it.

From my experience of widowed friends after the shock of the awful event they either make a life for themselves or they are resentful and sad. This comment is in no way meant to upset any widows/widowers it is just my observation of my friends.

I have no idea which camp I will be in, but I hope it is the former.

nannieroz111

Oh the couples. Shortly after my husband passed away a friend asked me to to Tai Chi with her. I thought it would be just the two of us - but no it was my friend's husband as well plus my friends daughter and her husband.

When I said that I wasn't very good with couples she took offence and I didn't hear from her for a year!

I agree with Tegan. I was very independent before my DH passed away but I knew he was at home waiting for me. I still sometimes think I will text him and I still have his number on my mobile.

You are so right speckie4eyes about there being an abundance of couples. All of my friends are couples. I find this quite difficult now that I am widowed. My friends are wonderfully supportive, inviting me to various outings etc. But I feel like an intruder. (Silly, I know, but that's how I feel)

I'm so sorry that you are constantly reminded of your ex love. Must be difficult for you. You have my sympathy.

specki; although I've got the S.O. around my children and grandchildren spent Christmas with my ex and his family [my ex spent part of Christmas with his new girlfriends family as well and my son was with his girlfriends family]leaving me and SO on our own for the whole of Christmas, so I cancelled Christmas as having a tree and decorations around just made me feel more isolated. When my marriage broke up I went on holiday with a friend and we got split up at a seaside village. As I walked around trying to find him Ifelt as if everyone was with someone else and I had a hologram on my forehead [Like Rimmer] saying 'she's on her own'. The strange thing was that, when I was married, I nearly always did things on my own [went racing a lot etc] but it didn't bother me because I knew I had family at home [does that make sense?].