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(507 Posts)
Falconbird Sat 27-Dec-14 11:58:57

This is my third Christmas without my husband and I was really thrown by the fact that I missed him much more than in previous years. I think the initial shock of his sudden passing is wearing off. I have three sons and three lovely grandchildren - but without "my bloke" it seemed very very empty and lonely this year.


Mishap Sat 27-Dec-14 12:01:15

So sorry to hear that Falconbird - it is so hard. Special events and anniversaries are the worst. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

KatyK Sat 27-Dec-14 12:06:01

Falconbird - so sorry. It must be SO hard. My DH has cancer and has to be tested in February to see if his treatment has worked. I have to admit I am terrified.

durhamjen Sat 27-Dec-14 12:14:56

Same here, Falconbird. It's okay when the family are around, but when they've all gone, it's lonely.

Marmight Sat 27-Dec-14 12:22:32

Falcon I know how you feel. KatyK flowers.
This is my 3rd Christmas too and despite having 2/3 of my family here, I feel quite lost and really haven't got the oomph to do anything. The last 2 Christmases I was away so this is the first at home since J died. Opening all the decoration boxes which he and I last put away in 2012 was surreal. I was quite looking forward to getting this milestone ticked off, but with a house full of feral under 5's trashing every room in the house (Don't fuss Mum, it'll dry, when the bathroom floor is awash and leaking through to the hall beneath) cushions and seat pads off every sofa (there are 5) toys booby trapping every doorway, every surface covered in nappies, socks, books, half eaten sausage rolls...........not helped by me suffering from a horrible cough and feeling Very out of sorts. I love having them here, but it's not the same with out Grandad here to help. There's a big unspoken emptiness sad

Elegran Sat 27-Dec-14 12:58:37

I find I miss him more in the quiet after everyone has gone home than in the equally quiet everyday times when I am just as alone, but somehow more settled with it.

Galen Sat 27-Dec-14 13:01:31

This is my twelfth and I'm just the same as all of you! Even my lovely GC don't change that.

sunseeker Sat 27-Dec-14 13:13:54

This is my third and as we didn't have children I don't have the distraction of GC. I spent Christmas Day alone and started the day with a few tears but then remembered all the good times we had together and how he could always make me laugh. I can almost hear him telling me to cheer up and get on with life.

alex57currie Sat 27-Dec-14 13:14:41

Fellow GN's I feel unqualified to offer a response. But may I send you love and flowers.

KatyK Sat 27-Dec-14 13:19:45

flowers for all who have lost their partners.

Falconbird Sat 27-Dec-14 13:42:31

Try not to worry too much KatyK. My husband left in really late before he went to the doctors - too late for treatment. I hope you have a good result soon.

Marmite - you put it so well - the huge unspoken emptiness and no DH there to help me clear up the mess when the grandkids go home. They always trash the place as well and my son always texts to say "they had such a wonderful time at your house."

My grandson made me a grand-dad out of Lego - nearly broke my heart because it really sort of looked like him. A week or so later my grandson broke up the Lego grand-dad and I think it helped him to come to terms with things in his childlike way.

I guess this feeling will never go away and widows and widowers learn to live with it. My mother grieved for my dad for nearly 40 years.


Teetime Sat 27-Dec-14 14:08:19

I am sorry for all the bereaved and lonely on here. when DH gets on my wick as he does quite often I try to imagine life without him and I am grateful that he is still here. All I can say is here is a hug from me and if you need a friend I'm here. flowers

rascal Sat 27-Dec-14 14:51:07

Oh yes I understand totally. It's seven Christmases now for me and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I thought I was adjusting a bit but I think its just the total shock and disbelief that's wearing off a bit. My eyes still seem to leak sometimes. I know there are lots of others that are having to try to cope just like me.
I'm sorry for you all, the only thing I can say is I'm looking forward to the Springtime with longer daylight, warmer days and listening to the birds singing. My love to you all.

durhamjen Sat 27-Dec-14 15:02:42

We have a seat at Beamish for my husband.
We went there on the Monday and put tinsel round it, then came home quite quickly as it was 50 mile an hour gales. We'll go there next week to see if it's still on. We tied the tinsel on this time; we've never felt we had to before.

durhamjen Sat 27-Dec-14 15:05:01

Grandson coming round soon as his sister is going to the pantomime at Consett, so I'll have to stop my eyes leaking, rascal, before he arrives.

KatyK Sat 27-Dec-14 15:44:41

Falconbird - Thank you for your good wishes. I'm sorry your husband left it too late. Fortunately mine went at the first sign of a problem so we are hoping for the best. Needless to say it is still frightening. Some of these posts are so sad sad

Kiora Sat 27-Dec-14 16:27:40

flowers for you all. I worry so about my auntie who live 200+ miles away and this is her first Christmas without him in over 51 years. She has chilldren& grandchildren but the thought of her sitting alone after they have left makes me want to weep. sad it's a scary thought, loosing the person you have spent most of your adult life with. Too painful for me to even imagine. I will try to be extra nice to my own husband.

Agus Sat 27-Dec-14 16:29:47

My heart goes out to those of you who no longer have your DH/Partner with you. Love flowers

My DH has had 3 heart attacks this year. Suddenly the life we knew has gone but we know we are lucky still to be together.

I don't even want to think of the alternative.

kittylester Sat 27-Dec-14 18:33:29

flowers for all you widows and any widowers who might be here. My heart goes out to you all.

DH has been a rock this Christmas, first when Mum was admitted to hospital and since, while I field phone calls. He's also there at the end of the day to listen to me moaning about the hospital, brothers, Mum etc. I can't imagine life without him. It really fills me with dread.

Crafting Sat 27-Dec-14 18:58:46

I have been with my DH sine 16 and love him to bits. I had an aunt who was never the life and soul of the party but after her husband died drained the life out of every family get together with her misery and depression. I vow not to be like her and hope to be able to cope somehow when my time comes but am worried by how many people are suffering so much after years on their own. I understand you all feel so alone especially at family times like Christmas and birthdays and miss your OH but is there any hope? Do you feel pleasure with your GC and have brighter days and happy memories or is there just never any joy in life? Not trying to bring anyone down just a serious question from one who is scared of the future? For all of you on your own flowers

durhamjen Sat 27-Dec-14 19:12:06

I do not think any of us have said we feel miserable all the time.
It's just that there are many times when you feel alone and wish there was someone special to talk to. In fact I do that quite often.
I was his carer for a long time before he died. When I was seriously ill last year, I really wished he had been there to look after me. Then I was told by a surgeon who did not have to operate on me that I must have a guardian angel. How to be made to feel happy and sad at the same time.
There are probably many of us who would be much more miserable for more of the time if it wasn't for our children and grandchildren.

sunseeker Sat 27-Dec-14 19:31:18

There are times of sorrow and times of joy - I always keep the times of sorrow to myself, to the outside world I am coping well and am cheerful and upbeat. Its when I come home after being busy all day, close the door and the sense of emptyness and the silence is deafening. DH was an extrovert, always cracking jokes and very noisy most of the time.

Elegran Sat 27-Dec-14 19:39:45

There are good times and bad times, and you get better at enjoying the good ones. Seeing the family of course is a very good time, though there is a dip when they leave. I keep busy then for distraction.

There are some pieces of music that always bring him back into my mind. At first they reminded me of his last few weeks, and made me very sad, but I kept playing them. Gradually it was the good memories that came back and the sad ones receded a bit. I feel that he is near when I can hear them.

I think you have to go through the shadows to appreciate the sunlight. The sun does shine still.

Mishap Sat 27-Dec-14 19:40:40

These posts are heart-rending. I send you strength and love and all good wishes.

My OH has PD and will I know deteriorate - I do not care what I have to do to care for him, as long as I do not lose him.

Crafting Sat 27-Dec-14 19:45:50

durhamjen and sunseeker thank you for your replies. Please do not think for one minute that I was suggesting any GN were always miserable or depressed. I suffer from depression on occasions (always have) but do my best to be cheerful with my family and keep my worries to myself. I am scared of ending up like my aunt (also a lifetime depressive) who never seemed to enjoy a second of life after her DH died (and didn't, if truth be told seem to enjoy it much when he was alive either). I just genuinely wondered if you have times when you can feel happiness and joy and peace too as well as the times of loneliness when you miss your loved ones.