Widowhood.

I also still have DH and when with widowed friends of which I have one or two I have found I have to be very careful of moaning or critising him even jokingly as I get reproachful looks and "at least you still have him".I am starting to get anxious sometimes and have been mortified on occasions.

I am fortunate to still have my DH.

However, I do find that some of my widowed friends do resent this. If I say there was a problem with the car/electrics/light bulb one particularly friend always says 'well it's alright for you your DH can mend it'. I now avoid this type of conversation.

I was with another widowed friend today who is a writer and she read me a small article she had written about widowhood and how some married friends are referred to as 'the smug married', which rather shocked me but I was not offended as I really do not think she meant me.

When I said if I was widowed I would not remarry as a) I couldn't find someone as good to me as my DH and b) I don't like men with hairy ears or dirty finger nails. She retorted 'you may change your mind', well I doubt it.

From my experience of widowed friends after the shock of the awful event they either make a life for themselves or they are resentful and sad. This comment is in no way meant to upset any widows/widowers it is just my observation of my friends.

I have no idea which camp I will be in, but I hope it is the former.

nannieroz111

Oh the couples. Shortly after my husband passed away a friend asked me to to Tai Chi with her. I thought it would be just the two of us - but no it was my friend's husband as well plus my friends daughter and her husband.

When I said that I wasn't very good with couples she took offence and I didn't hear from her for a year!

I agree with Tegan. I was very independent before my DH passed away but I knew he was at home waiting for me. I still sometimes think I will text him and I still have his number on my mobile.

You are so right speckie4eyes about there being an abundance of couples. All of my friends are couples. I find this quite difficult now that I am widowed. My friends are wonderfully supportive, inviting me to various outings etc. But I feel like an intruder. (Silly, I know, but that's how I feel)

I'm so sorry that you are constantly reminded of your ex love. Must be difficult for you. You have my sympathy.

specki; although I've got the S.O. around my children and grandchildren spent Christmas with my ex and his family [my ex spent part of Christmas with his new girlfriends family as well and my son was with his girlfriends family]leaving me and SO on our own for the whole of Christmas, so I cancelled Christmas as having a tree and decorations around just made me feel more isolated. When my marriage broke up I went on holiday with a friend and we got split up at a seaside village. As I walked around trying to find him Ifelt as if everyone was with someone else and I had a hologram on my forehead [Like Rimmer] saying 'she's on her own'. The strange thing was that, when I was married, I nearly always did things on my own [went racing a lot etc] but it didn't bother me because I knew I had family at home [does that make sense?].

I realised this Christmas that the reason its so difficult a season for those who are alone (either widowed or divorced) is that when out and about, one sees so many couples. The rest of the year you dont see as many couples shopping or walking together as you do during the Christmas week.

I had to suffer the trauma of seeing my ex and his new partner (acquired by him instantly online) hand in hand in the local market. Even though I initiated our divorce after years of his disloyalty and betrayal, he was still the love of my life and its hard to accept.

As Sandie Shaw sang - "There's always something there to remind me". Christmas decorations are the most poignant - they are physical reminders of happy times.

Why don't we all go on a Gransnet cruise next Christmas?

bikergran thank you for your much appreciated welcome. As you know I am new to this virtual world and have a lot to learn. But one thing I have learnt quite quickly is that you are all a caring and comforting set of friends and I send virtual flowers to you all.

All I can say is big hugs and thinking of all of you x

Thank you biker and for you.

KatyK I hope you dh receives some good news ...

nannieroz111 welcome to GN,I shall just say this, that you would be hard pressed to find a more "welcoming, comforting, listening, advisory bunch of virtual friends anywhere in your time of need. The lovely thing is that we are "real" we do all really exist and are not some made up cyber avatar, we are real people who care about others and if we can help, advise or just be there at the end of the keyboard for a few comforting words, then some one is usually about all hours of the day.I hope you continue to pop in to GN and that we can offer you a little comfort knowing that there are many of us that have gone through the same sadness, for myself it is just over 7 months, but no matter how long wither it's many years/months/weeks days..we all remember that day,it will always so fresh in our minds.
I hope we can help you in some way, bfn

Thank you kitty. DH is a very positive man and said he is not scared. He said he just feels vulnerable and will be scared when and if they tell him there is something to be scared about. He has had wonderful treatment and the prognosis is good but still the fear is there isn't it?

I remember too, Marmight! And, I agree with Ariadne about GN. We are kind and compassionate and here for people when they need us!

I can only imagine what your thoughts are KatyK.

Yes, stay with us, Falconbird - GN is a good, compassionate community at heart. And we would miss you. X

Marmight I remember you telling us, three years ago, of your DH's death. Grief can ambush you, can't it?

to all of you who grieve, and respect and admiration for you too.

Thank you Galen for you too

12years, that was.

Marmight KatyK I'm thinking of you. I remember how horrible that time was. It's 12 in a couple of months for me!

marmight. My DH will get his results next week to see if the radiotherapy on his cancer has worked. To say I am terrified would be an understatement. So sorry for all of you who have lost your partners.

Thank you Marmight. I will take your advice about giving in to the bad days.

.... and from me too Marmight
in fact, to all who are hurting.

Marmight, ((((hugs)))).

Thanks narg. I have spoken to 2 of my 3 daughters so far, am having coffee with a friend, and then I am spending the afternoon having a facial, a pedicure and a back massage!! This is the first anniversary I have been at home, so it is all the more poignant. But, upwards and onwards as they say

Thinking of you today Marmight as you face the third anniversary.
What will you be doing?
Such wise words about giving in to the bad days. Grieve seems to have an agenda all of its own and like you I have found that the best way is to
go with it.

I've been re-reading this thread, and realise how lucky I am still to have DH. He was grumpy yesterday and after he went off to bed, I sat for ages with Gransnet for company. He's now banging about in the kitchen, after having brought me a cup of tea in bed. I'm counting my blessings.

nannieroz
I was widowed 3 years ago today.
It does become easier to bear in time; two steps forward and one back. Just take every day at a time, go at your own pace and give in to the very bad days.