Widowhood.

Three years this July for me durhamjen. Still feel as if I'm walking in a dream or rather a nightmare. Someone told me it takes 3 full years to feel anything like normal again. I think this is probably true but it's a new normal.

Where can we write about how overwhelmed we still feel about it if not on a thread like this? There are lots of threads where people write about husbands. This isn't one of them.
I find it quite strange how many of us lost our husbands about the same time.

rascal

Oh yes I hope you managed to stop your eyes leaking Durhamjen and you had a lovely time with your Grandson while his sister was at the pantomime.

I would like to add to try to help the people who have found themselves in this same situation like me, that there is hope after all the grief. It took me a few years to find that I was coping a bit better with the help from my family and friends of course. Where I would have been without them I don't like to think! I suppose it was having to adjusting to my 'new' life that I had never expected in my wildest nightmares! It was far too early to even think that would happen. Anyway there are less times I find myself upset thinking what could have been. We all must be thankful at what we do have and try not to think too much about what could have been. I feel it's time that seems to help put this into perspective. I am thinking about you all with positive thoughts on their way.

And mourn

Wept for you all. for all those fine men you married.

I know this is trite but I read somewhere that 'grief is the price we pay for love', so perhaps it is not such a bad thing to experience after all? I cannot comment as I am not widowed but I do send you all my very best wishes for a happy and healthy 2015.

Scattered the ashes from our yacht as he wanted in lyme bay. He's probably in Australia by now chatting to captain Scott

3 years in January, Falconbird, and I've got his ashes in our bedroom. Still cannot decide what to do with them. My youngest son says to leave them until mine join them, then he'll decide what to do. That could be 30 years away, or it could be next week. Who knows?

whoops don't know what happened there, my post flew away and then there were two of them.

My husband's ashes are in my son's garage. It's been 3 years this July and must do something about it but I think he would have been fine about the garage. He was totally non religious.

For months I resented anyone who sat in his place on the settee and I used to sit there as a special treat because I felt close to him.

Strange how grief can affect people.

Love to all - stay strong in 2015 we are great women with lots of courage

My husband's ashes are in my son's garage. It's been 3 years this July and must do something about it but I think he would have been fine about the garage. He was totally non religious.

For months I resented anyone who sat in his place on the settee and I used to sit there as a special treat because I felt close to him.

Strange how grief can affect people.

Love to all - stay strong in 2015 we are great women with lots of courage

Actually, Marmight, I still have not washed the pillowcases on the pillows he was using. They are two euro size pillows which were behind his head. The carers used to build a nest around him every time they came to look after him, but those two pillows were the most comfortable for him.
I have not used them. They are always on my bed, but I put them on his side when I go to sleep.
Soppy, aren't we?

Oh Biker the ashes and the pillow! I kept J's pillow with the imprint of his head where he slept on his last night. We had lots of people staying for the funeral 10 days later, so I moved into a single bedroom so DD from Oz could go into mine; I carefully moved the pillow and left it beside my bed, only for another DD to cheerfully remove it to use on the put u up downstairs. I was horrified, but then thought, he's gone and there are many other reminders and how long can you keep a pillow with a wee dip in it? I still have all his suits in a wardrobe and still can't manage to send them away. As for photos, I couldn't look at any of him for months and turned them face down and all the DD's had to hide theirs when I visited. It's silly things which cause the grief to rear it's ugly head. I miss my cup of tea in bed every morning and have to totter downstairs to get my own now which is probably good as I don't usually bother to go back to bed again ! As for the ashes, I still have some which are in a redundant champagne box on top of a wine cupboard in the dining room (very appropriate!) Only I know they are there and I like to think he was watching down on his beloved 'girls' while we wellied into what was left of his special wine on Christmas Day.
to all widows/ers and let's raise a / to our absent partners and hope for an easier passage in 2015

My second Christmas without DH. Worse I think than the first as I was numb then. I have enjoyed times with a lot of family but am keenly aware that I'm alone in a sea of couples. I miss being special to anyone. DH didn't like Christmas and was always rather grumpy but I still miss him being Scroogey about it all. Love to all those who are lost, lonely and battling grief.

((Hugs)) and for you all. No help I know but thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories. I hope 2015 brings you some peace and happiness.

I feel so sad for all our members who've been widowed.

My mother was widowed 56 years ago when she was 33 - I often wonder how different her life would have been had my father not died so early.

This is the second Xmas my best friend has been without her husband - Xmas Day was also his birthday

to all.

I took dh ashes with me in a rucksack on Christmas day! my dds wanted me to, I sat him by the open log fire where he always sat, I didn't tell anyone else, my mum wouldn't have approved as she cannot be doing with anything "like that" little did she know what she was sat next too I thought well I wouldn't have left dh alone at home if he had been here so why should I leave him there now.

For the last three weeks of my husband's life, he never got out of bed. He was at home, so I used to lie next to him and play CDs that we both liked.
The kids always used to notice his foot tapping under the covers, even when we all thought he was asleep.
So I play much more music now than I used to, just to remember.
Lindy, we talk to blackbirds. Grandson is always asking which one is grandad.

Elegran I know exactly what you mean, my dh had been ill a long long time and I say to my girls, there is no way at all he would have carried on if I had left first although because of our age gap (20 yrs) it was almost assumed that dh would go first, and I always assumed "oh its ok I will be ok , Iv had years n years to prepare for it! not!! as like Marmite it is silly little things, the comb he last touched,the scrap of paper he wrote on, it is only recently that I have moved his duvet and pillow that he last lay his head on. My heart really does go out to you all that have suffered any kind of bereavement, who ever it may be, I think if we were to all write a journal it would read very similar in a roundabout way,they say there are stages in a bereavement, Im not sure what stage I am at as every day seems the same, I wish I could listen to music in the house again, but I cant bare the radio or cds on just yet, I cant bare looking at his photo that is out right now and came out for Christmas, it will go back hidden behind the sette where it lives.

I hope that sometime we may all be able to smile and laugh and step forward a little, I don't want to feel so sad forever. take care all and well done for getting through Christmas

I have lurked on this thread over the past few days.
This has been my second Christmas without my dh. I was dreading Christmas again this year, although I had a meltdown on Christmas morning, ( I had taken myself off to the garden) I suddenly felt so alone although I had ds, dd and all the gc around me, I just wanted dh to hold me..... there in the garden appeared a robin and sat about 12 inches away from me on a branch did not move, I blubbed and talked to dh, mad I know but I felt he could hear me. I wiped my eyes and rejoined the family.
my 4 yr old gs, who we looked after on a daily basis often asks to watch one of the dvds we have with dh in.... this gives comfort to us all, as gs summed it up saying thats good I can remember grandads smile, voice, laugh etc it really keeps him alive in all of us.
I have found that after 20 months without dh I do have some fairly ok days, however sometimes the loss hits me really hard like the first day, the reason? Something minor, its like I am ready for the big things I know will upset me, anniversaries, birthdays, family get togethers etc etc. When it really hits me is silly things, a certain song on the radio, a film that dh liked, the lights fusing, or when I broke my tie 4 weeks ago, I just sat and cried for him, his sympathy and the fact that if ever I was unwell or sad he would make me a boiled egg, only thing he could do, and better than me! I so wanted him.
be kind to yourself, do things for you, make decisions for you, look to a future that whilst not ideal, is the best you can make it, know that dh would be pleased you are taking control again.
My gc, dc and I still talk to the moon and take comfort that in their eyes grandad is the Man in the Moon.
take care all fellow gns who have lost, or are slowly losing their beloved ohs. Cease the day and make happy memories, or remember the happy times.....eventually the happy memories appear more often than the sad ones.

Marmight If has been spoken to about his Grandad, might someone have said to him about his Grandad still looking out for him and his family?

All of us will be bereaved at some point and we will all deal with it differently. It has happened and there is no turning back the clock. It's the small things which suddenly get to you. I can be rolling along for days, fairly happily then something - usually a photograph, a piece of music or even something in his handwriting - will trigger a memory or something happens - usually a 'house' problem like the internet is down, a fuse has tripped, the ceiling is leaking - so I go into woe-is-me mode and screech and swear a bit and feel I am hard done by because he is not there to sort things out. I don't think it becomes any easier, but it does become less raw, although some memories are more poignant than others. I don't want to forget his voice and can 'hear' him on the phone 'hello, it's meee' which is sort of comforting.
On Christmas Eve DD came to me in floods of tears; she had been in our downstairs bathroom with the 2 year old. It has a fan which crashes and bangs in the wind and at the same time a door banged at the front of the house. He looked up at her and said in a very matter of fact way 'it's Grandad!' (who he never met but who is talked about a lot) 'he's come to be next to Gally and take care of her'. He is a very articulate 2 year old, but this seriously disturbed us....

My heart goes out to you all and to me as well. It will be 3 years for me as a widow this July - and Bikergran it does get better honestly. There are some days when I feel OK and optimistic but it's a slow process. People used to say to me in the early days "be good to yourself" I used to find it irritating but looking back it's true.

Have you tried Cruse. They helped me a lot. Started out in a group which didn't work for me and then had 6 weeks one to one with a Counsellor. She gave me space to cry, and I read out poetry I'd written and sobbed and sobbed, but it was a very safe place. I think Cruse have a long waiting list, but you could ring and see how it is in your area.

I've also joined a Bereavement Group run by the church. It's a real comfort as we all know more or less how we feel and we can be open and honest and not have to keep a brave face.

I was crying on Christmas Eve in the supermarket (just quietly) and when I was in the queue a woman spoke to me and asked if I was all right. It was someone from the Bereavement Group and she just put her arm around me and said "I know."

I met my DH when I was just 18 and we were together for 44 years. It's been tough working out who I am without him - but I'm getting there.

My worst fear is being really ill and not having him around.

thankyou all, just feeling sorry for myself, and have to remember lots of people in the same situe, my mood changes by the hour, take care all bfn its bedtime