Hi, I'm back, I went into hiding because I thought I was a little strong on the last post I made. I am feeling much better now though, so thank you for all your wonderful comments. It reassuring to know that you are there for support and I will gain from it and carry on.
I understand Ginette and Tegan too because I have been there when my daughter left for university some eight years ago now. I pined for her, was jealous of others spending time with her, told her I was upset. It carried on for years, which now I wish it hadn't. Not because of how she treats me now, but that it really did waste my time. I achieved nothing from it. I know you have to have some emotion of them leaving but for years? I think I made her too close to me over her time at home. I depended on her too much, both the children, putting them well above my ex husband, their dad. Hindsight is wonderful isn't it? If only I could rewind the clock. I've said yes to anythng and everything they wanted, only learning now not to. But too late in some cases.
No, my son is not and has never smoked anything, not even a cigarette in his life. He hates the things so he wouldn't smoke pot, and he would tell me if he had. He hasn't taken any other drugs neither. He hardly likes drinking alcohol. He isn't like that really, he's a bit of a nerd. (In the nicest possible way.) He can be lovely, as said in other posts, but is like Jekyll and Hyde, lovely one minute and awful the next. Sometimes in a split second.
He was abandoned by his dad on the doorstep of our house on his 8th birthday. He has never seen him since. He has no clue why. His sister left for uni the year after, not having much to do with him once she left after them being really close and still nothing after I asked her to come visit/text him/e mail/phone but no response. He got assaulted five times at age 11 in first year secondary from September intake until leaving the year in July. We decided then to home school, joint decision, and so did so for the next four years. After the home school department came out for last checks in the May before he should have left that year and said that they would not be coming back, he became very depressed. This lasted for some time until he started college. He then had to sit his Maths and English GCSE as he had not acquired these while home schooling (the cost for private exams was too high being on benefits). Then this last year from September last year he has started on AS levels but is struggling with his Maths. So he will not go to University until next year, a year later than he should have done really.
He is very socially awkward and I had him tested for Autism/Aspergers at CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Service) but they said there was nothing wrong with him. I do think he is on the low end of the spectrum but their assessment lasted all of five minutes! (Or the length of a then cigarette!). So that was that. He had had some counselling, about eight sessions with Think Positive. He really didn't want to do it and I don't think he got anywhere with it. After eight sessions they said he was ok now and that he didn't need to go again. Oh, fixed now, is he? Good, ok then.
He has been difficult, from day one. On my birth notes it says that "mum prefers to cuddle baby" overnight. Baby would not go into the cot no matter what. He got the nickname Velcro Kid. He slept in with me for four years. I argued and tried to get ex husband to help me get him into his cot/own room for all those years and he was not willing to help a jot. He just got his sleeping bag and slept on the settee. (I wonder how I coped now looking back.) Frustration was not in it. It eventually broke us, well, along with the violence he hammered down on me.
Someone mentioned my parents being disciplinarians. Not really. My mum wanted all the attention herself and got it and my dad was just there. They argued and fought most of their married life, violent rows, blood over walls, everything. My brother and I were like pawns in a game. My sister was born when I was 15, my baby brother dying when I was 14 after living for 12 hours. It was horrendous as my sister needed open heart surgery at one week old and then got a life/death infection. Luckily she is now 35 years old, but as siblings we are all scarred by our upbringing. My brother and sister see my mother, I see my dad. At least we are still caring for them both.
I have had abuse, therefore, since I was a kid. In my marriage too and also with my daughter trying to get money out of me, lying, manipulating me etc. I am up to the back teeth with it and now just need a quiet life. I have contacted his headmaster and he is phoning me on Thursday for a meeting to sort all this out. The e mail was as long as this post, sorry. Maybe we can help my son to sort himself out.
You have said about leaving him to do his own washing, cooking etc. He does do this. He is very good at practical things, even decorating, laying carpets etc. He won't starve when he does leave. It's the emotional side that is the problem, which I think comes from his dad leaving him. But I will not be a verbal punchbag for this any more. He needs to sort it with him or get it out of his system another way. These fathers do not know what they cause when they have no contact. It's spineless of him to treat him this way. All because he re-married and she pulled his strings. She is one nasty jealous wife. But then he should put his child first, and tell her he is seeing him regardless. Spineless.
I shall go now, give you all some rest. I booked a weekend away on my own, well, with doggie. To a friend's apartment who is a lovely woman, so Tia Maria and coke and a catch up here I come. I also got taken out last night by my lovely brother. We have both been poorly over Christmas and have not seen each other for a good while so it was great to have a much longed for chat. He has been my best friend for all my life. And i met up with some friends last week and we are off to the cinema to see Wild next week. So as I am recovering, I will get out more.
I do thank you all for your concern, I am very touched by it and it has made a huge difference to me. Thanks buds. Xxxxxxxxxx
I'm not sure what happened. She met a new set of friends and they have taken priority. It took me a long time to come to terms with it as I felt rejected and lost and not good enough any more. I am trying to 'go with the flow' and get on with my own life with my DH and my sisters and friends. Its not easy though. We almost fell out over it at one point but it's not worth it so now I keep quiet and paint my smile on.