Awful weekend.

I feel for you ruby, sometimes teenage boys can be very hurtful.

My theory is that when a teenager is feeling angry, frustrated, depressed, humiliated, lacking self-confidence or anything else negative, he or she will lash out at his/her nearest and dearest, who very probably has nothing to do with the problem and may not even realise that there is a problem in the first place. Knowing that mum's love has always been unconditional, teens seem to feel simultaneously the need to push the boundaries until the love stops – which, if it is unconditional it never will – and to use mum as an emotional punching bag because that love is unconditional and it is "safe" to abuse her.

None of that is much, if any comfort. What I can say is that my lovely thirty-two-year old daughter, who is now very close and loving, was a worry and a pain – the latter both physically and emotionally – during her teens.

Absent I agree with you about the unconditional love a mother feels, and the need for adolescents to push boundaries, but I don't think that means that a parent should simply accept abusive behaviour from a child of any age.
Indeed it's part of a parent's job to teach a child what those boundaries are, and the meaning of mutual respect, and clearly you succeeded with Absentdaughter.
Ruby I hope you find a way for yourself and your son.
In your position, if there is anyone at your son's college who is responsible for pastoral care, like a tutor or a subject teacher who knows him well, I would ask for a confidential interview to see if there is anything going on at college that could explain his behaviour and to see if they have any suggestions as to how your son could be helped.
I think too that you need to see yourself as the adult guiding your child - in your OP you sound more like a child who is being bullied. Don't threaten your son with eviction or anything like that - just tell him how upset and unhappy his behaviour makes you feel, and that you don't like it. Make sure you focus on the fact that it's the behaviour you dislike, and not him.
As Absent says, he probably hasn't the first clue of the effect his behaviour has on you - and deep down, children don't want to make their parents unhappy, and they do want them to set guidelines.
Good luck

That's so hurtful, I do feel for you Rubylady
I echo what absent says, right down to the last paragraph, luckily I didn't get the same problem with my son.
I know how it cuts you right to the quick, very painful. and ((hugs)) x

I read once that, in any situation, the people involved take one of three roles - adult, parent or child. The best one to be is usually adult.

Your son, of course, has very recently been a child, in actuality, but is now at the age of becoming an adult. Maybe he is finding life difficult, as things change for him, and is taking it out on you.

At a time when he is calm, can you discuss the behaviour with him, adult to adult?

Your son is still in the Godzilla stage and, as you've found, Godzilla's can be horrible.

Try not to take the things he says to heart although I know it's hard. For some reason Godzilla's say and do terrible things to the people they love the most.

That said stay firm and consistent. Being a Godzilla is no excuse to ride roughshod over people's feelings. Don't argue back with him but make it clear when things are calm that you are unhappy with the things he says/does. Often Godzilla's say things as throw away remarks and don't consider the affect these remarks have on people they're aimed at.

I've been through two Godzilla's and lived to tell the tale. One day they suddenly turn back into human beings. In fact my elder DD used to tell my younger DD off for being so rude when she'd been saying the same things herself only a couple of years earlier.

I'm sorry but I think we pussyfoot around our children far too much these days. I wouldn't have dreamed of speaking to my parents one inch the way my son has spoke to me, and the language. I would have had my mouth washed out long ago. I would have only said it once!

What sort of society are we breeding? I think it is totally unacceptable for him to treat me like this and from the way you are all talking I have to put up and shut up and take it. What? It is abuse! If he was hitting me would that be ok?

I see lads the same age on tele saying that they have been brought up only by their mum and how proud they are of them and how much they love them. My son walked away from me when I was struggling to breathe.

And I don't believe he will suddenly turn back into the loving son I had. My daughter hasn't. She doesn't want me to have anything to do with her wedding this summer after I have brought her up on my own too, always had my hand in my pocket especially where her two sons are concerned, and been there for her night and day all her life. So no, she's 27 now and has been awful to me over the years. And now it seems like my son is following her lead. He says he is ashamed to bring his new girlfriend back to our new home, because of me. I am how I have always been, I am not going to put airs and graces on for anyone but I also do not embarrass anyone, especially on a first meet. It seems like they have both got so snobby that they can ride roughshod over the person who has been there for them all their lives. No one else has.

Well, thanks kids, it's been a pleasure. The last 30 years of my life has been just one big waste of time!

No-one has said you should put up and shut up ruby.
If your son's behaviour has been onging for a while and you see no hope of it changing then say to him, as you would to any other housemate, that clearly you are not getting on and it would be a good idea for him to find somewhere else to live.
Don't phrase it as throwing him out, just as suggesting a better way forward for him.

Hold tight Ruby. I have 3 sons and when the youngest was about 15 he said he hoped I died of cancer on my birthday.

My middle son said I was a really horrible person and my friends had no idea what a cow I really was.

My oldest son has never said a bad word to me and is a real gent. don;t know why this is because they were all bought up in a similar way.

My daughter in law said I was cold and unfeeling and would never even try to replace her mother (who had passed away).

Remember going home after one verbal attack and having to ring for a taxi at the bus stop because I was shaking so much.

Things are calming down now as they will for you. Stay calm and dignified. I always tried to be the adult. Thing is I never said a bad word to my own mother although I guess I often wanted to.

for you.

I think that you have some good advice on here.
He doesn't mean it.
Just stay calm, dignified and the adult.
If you are in a new area I think you need to get out and meet people and have plenty of interests so that you keep very busy.
Try and make a friend of the girlfriend if and when you see her.
Now that you have both calmed down I would tell him that you will not be spoken to like that and since he can't afford to support himself you need a way to live together without him being abusive for the next 18months. Tell him that he will need to make the effort because you are not going to cook, wash etc for someone who abuses you.

Rubylady,I agree with every word in your latest post,I also brought my 2 up on my own,worked my fingers to the bone,provided food,clothes,holidays and lots of love whilst their father refused to pay a penny in child support and refused my offers of regular contact as he had other fish to fry,they are now both in their thirties,one doesn't see me at all and I have been treated dreadfully at times,however both of them are best pals with the "father" who chose not to be involved in their life for years.I never thought I would say this but there are times when I truly regret giving them the best of me.

But,Rubylady,we really do have to grit our teeth and do our best to get through it,we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be in the circumstances,and hopefully our later years will be ours to enjoy x

To repeat what Farnorth said, no-one has told you to 'put up and shut up' Ruby. Quite the reverse in fact. Everyone has said your son's behaviour isn't acceptable.
To put it more bluntly and less kindly, you need to grow some and start behaving like an adult who is in control of this situation and not a victim who is being controlled.
How you do that is up to you, whether you want your son out of your life, or whether you want to rebuild a loving relationship with him.

I am with Ruby on this, since when has it been acceptable to be rude and violent? Your son needs to learn that this is totally unacceptable behaviour. Firstly talk to a tutor at his college and tell them exactly how it is, lots of teenagers are brought up by single parents, he is not the first or the last so he needs to get over it. Secondly, he can forget any ideas about going to University until he learns to control his tantrums, he is not mature enough. Thirdly, tell him if he thinks you are not fit to meet his friends, then he is welcome to meet them elsewhere, not in your home. Don't shriek, don't shout, walk away if he kicks off. If he hits you, call the police. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop taking the blame for everything, stop being a doormat, and for the sake of whoever is your future DiL your brat of a son needs to be taught that violent and abuse is totally unacceptable.

That's very good advice Gill especially the bit about talking to the tutor at college. You are providing a roof over his head and the opportunity to continue his education. You do not need to take this crap. But stay calm, cool and dignified do not allow him to bring you down to his level.

I think Rubylady knows her children best, and to be honest, it doesn't sound to me like he's going to grow out of it. Let him go Rubylady. Follow your own road now. Leave the child-raising past behind. You had some good times then, but the future belongs to you now. Live for yourself and OH. Try to enjoy your days as they come. [any other little pleasure that brings you a bit of cheer] x

I certainly wouldn't advocate talking to anyone at his college. Not at eighteen. That would make things worse.

Sorry I mentioned an OH. I realise it's just you and him at home. So, try hard to live for you. It is very sad.

Good advice jinglebellsfrocks.

I endorse the advice above and send commiserations.

Above all else you should stay calm and not let him see he is getting to you. Just say calmly that as your son you love him very much but find his rudeness unacceptable - he needs to get that message - but do not let him see he is causing grief, as that is part of the power trip.

Get out, build a life of your own; be out enjoying yourself when he wants his tea cooked or his socks washed. Be your own woman and let him stew a bit. I know you are in a new area, but make an active effort to leave the house and make friends and new interests. It sounds as though at the moment he thinks your life revolves around him - it is up to you to show him he is wrong about that.

I agree with jingls about not talking to anyone at college - mine would have been mortified and very angry if I had done that and it could make things worse.

You sound as if you have sacrificed a lot for him and, from what I remember from a previous thread, you have moved away from where you were for his benefit.

He's 18, technically an adult, so it is time he realised that you don't have to keep him; you love him and are more than happy to support him but in return he must behave in a civilised manner towards you. Arguments are inevitable but he sounds like a very angry young man for some reason. However, don't turn yourself into a doormat and a victim.
Teenagers can be foul, though, I do know, but you do hope they will come through it.

Could his grandad have a word with him and tell him that this is simply not acceptable and not to speak to his mother like that?

Perhaps you should find a social life in your new area, which could help you.
If he is 18 in May is he not going off to university next September? You mentioned 18 months more.

I am sorry your relationship with your DD is not better - she could be telling him not to speak to you like that (as each of mine did to their younger siblings, forgetting they did it themselves!)

I feel reallly sorry for you, but you shouldn't put up with much more of this.
At eighteen he is an adult, and unless he can behave in a civilised way towards you maybe he should consider standing on his own feet.
But I realise how mothers love their sons (I've got two of them), and it must be so difficult to risk losing him. There is lots of good advice in the above posts, I hope you find the strength to stay calm but make some sort of stance.

I still think you should speak to his tutor, not to tell tales or to punish your son, but to let the college know that there is a problem with his behaviour/anger management. You owe this to his potential Uni room mates and future partners, he has to learn that screaming, shouting, abusing people is not on. I think the other posters are right, stop being there all the time, stop being a doormat, someone for him to dump his bad temper on, be out, go for a walk, do the shopping, visit friends or your Father. You said you had recently given up smoking ( well done) so why not go for a nice long walk instead of giving this bully an opportunity to show off when he gets home. Remember, you love him but you dont have to like him.

I have several friends going through similar times, and I did once with my own DD. I can remember not wanting to be seen with my own parents, not because I didn't love them, but because I wanted to be seen as an independent adult.

One of my friends has been having a terrible time with her DS, just 17. She eventually discovered after nine months of hell that it is because he had asked if his girlfriend could stay the night, and she refused. You may think that normal, as did she, but what he had never thought to tell her was that the girlfriend has moved away, so if she is to come back to visit him, and her old friends, she needs somewhere to stay the night. Lack of communication (and rampant hormones I suspect!). A phone call to the girl's parents last weekend and all is sweetness and light again.