Awful weekend.

Thankyou Mishap and Anya sound advice but I cant seem to pull myself together. Its so lonely. Im off work at the moment so the loneliness is horrendous. I have to let my girl go she has so much to look forward to, is it really wrong I'm so envious. She has her whole life to look forward to and I don't know how I will be when she goes to America in her last year with the intention of staying I will crumble.
I'm so grateful for this outlet as I'm sat here with the TV on for background noise and still really feeling hopeless.

Is this a modern generation thing ? are we raising little drama queens that need mummy to hold their hands ? I was working at 16 and left home on the eve of my 18th birthday. My mother waved me off on the doorstep and from that day on I was on my own. DD was transported to university, case and boxes deposited on floor and goodbyes said. DS was exactly the same except I think I made his bed for him. I expected them, as adults, to be in charge of their lives from then on. If you dance to their tune you are making a rod for your own back.

I haven't packed or unpacked for mine since they were about 14yrs.
You give them roots and give them wings. If you do it well they come back because they want to spend time with you.
In case of rubylady I would take Anya's advice.

We saw our 2 boys ( at different times ) into their rooms, dumped the cases and said goodbye! Each had a large tin of home made cookies, as ice breakers with fellow students.
She'll be fine and so will you. x

The thought of unpacking for an adult daughter shocks me to the core. I took my GD to uni some years ago and I'm 100% sure that she wouldn't have allowed me near her suitcases, though occasionally I helped her out with a bit of shopping and a free lunch. Please, Ginette, let her grow up. She will be grateful for it in the end and you may have a friend instead of a dependant.

Ginette baby birds only learn to fly when mum gently persuades them (or pushes them) out of the nest.
Think ahead a few years.
Do you want to see an educated independent young woman making her way in the world of work?
Would you prefer to have a needy daughter who has to rely on you to carry out the most basic of tasks?
Let her get on with it. She should do her own shopping and learn to budget.
She should do her own laundry and wreck a few sweaters!
She should organise her own wardrobe and discover that clean clothing doesn't magically reappear in drawers, courtesy of the laundry fairy!
I've been through this 3 times and have worked out the difference between9 pandering and supporting.
Let her get on with her life while you get on with your own grown-up concerns.
Tough love plus change of focus?

Go home and get your life back Ginette - you've spent years being a mother to your only child (?) or is it your only daughter and it's time to let her go. She needs her freedom and if you give it to her she'll be able to grow into a woman and you'll have a better relationship eventually.

It is very different for Ruby dealing with a grumpy teenager at home. She still has to live with his moods and mouth. If he is planning to go to University this year then he has exams, probably 'A' levels, to sit so he will be under stress and he will need support to get through these.

Ruby you need to sit down with him. Explain that you both need to work together to create an environment conducive to study and that it is in both your interests that he passes these exams and takes up his place at Uni.

Teenagers are more likely to act out of self interest than through any desire to please parents.

Oh I know it is hard - but she does not need Mum around all the time now! Develop your own interests and be there in the background for when she needs you, as she most certainly will, but not as much. Let her go with a good grace, making sure she knows you are there for her and that you love her, and she will drift back to you ready to develop a new sort of relationship with you.

I have done this 3 times with 3 girls and remember the wrench when the last one ventured forth. But I was working part time, running choirs and other arts projects and these filled my life and kept the pangs at bay. And she felt freer knowing I was not at home pining.

This is the moment when you really start to have an adult to adult relationship - when she starts to know that you are not going to do everything for her and solve all her problems; and when you can watch her begin to find her own way and blossom as an adult. This new relationship will not instantly drop into place but will develop gradually over time - and it will be just as precious as the relationship you had with her before - just different.

Let her go to get her back!

Its dawning on me that I need to let go. But as she is my only daughter its so hard.

could be two other factors...girlf who could be needy and him needing to show her she's the most important woman in his life ( not that that's an excuse, just a hidden morive perhaps given his failure to show other way); ex? if girlf has met ex, who knows what disinfo is passed on. Houng women can be terribky prurient and self-righteous

Ginette - just let her go!

Ive had enough I have been ignoring my husband forgetting his needs and now I am paying, I dknt know how to make things right, I fear i may have left it too late.

Not too late. It is always a danger to be 'devoted' to the detriment of your DH when you have them for such a short time and then get decades (hopefully) with just DH. It is hugely cloying to the children as they get older.
The way to put it right is to let go a bit-a train back to university would be fine in poor weather.

I think OP needs to get busy with her own life.

I agree with Eloethan-very sensible.

How awful for you ruby. My DD and myself have had our differences especially when she was in her teens but she never said anything so hurtful. Sometimes if people are upset/hurt/angry they hit out, usually at the people who love them most. Like Ginette says above, I have also run around after my DD when she was younger, pandering to her every whim etc only to be treated appallingly. Things are better now. I hope you sort this out.

Not all are as caring, janea; some seem to think that by the 6th form they should be behaving as responsible adults!

Perhaps the school my children went to was extra caring then Rose because they identified a problem for us and brought it to our attention and then thanks to a joint effort, the person concerned got back on track

janea There was not find much in the way of communication, help or pastoral care when my children got to sixth form.

Ginette She is expecting me to unpack for her If there is some reason why she cannot unpack for herself perhaps one of the other students may be kind enough to help her sort herself out. I am sure they will all muck in together to help if she is unable to do it.

The only time DD2 seemed to need help was cleaning her room before leaving at the end of the year

rubylady you are understandably very upset, but because you have been crying about this and spent the weekend in bed your son now has control of the situation. You need to get the balance back in the relationship somehow.
If you can get out and about and start joining groups, making friends and making a life for yourself you will be responsible for your own happiness and in control of your life.

Actually annie I think you will find that ruby's son is not at University yet, he is at a college, presumably 6th form as he is considering going to Uni next year.

Sadly, I think it is not unusual for children now to be what would, in the old days have been called selfish and ungrateful. They are a privileged generation who have been allowed to think they can say and do what they like with little thought for others. Then again, to some extent, probably all teenagers are self obsessed and a little willful and it's not until you have your own children that you realise some of what your parents did for you.

For those who are suggesting contacting the college tutor - I think you have no idea how remote the universities are now and how they react to parents calling! We tried to get the university/ies to talk to us twice - once when our oldest had been home for the weekend (in her first term) and had gone back distraught and we couldn't contact her and we were worried. The second time was when the younger one was in her first term at Sussex and had been awake for virtually a week unable to sleep because of other students partying all night on the flat roof above her room, which was both not allowed and dangerous. We got very curt responses in both cases and although some slight action resulted, we were very much made to feel that we were nuisances, over-involved parents and they were now adults and no one was going to talk to us rather than them!

Given the situation you've described rubylady I am tempted to say tell him that if he speaks to you like that again, he can consider it notice to leave home and mean it. Then, be determined to live your own life. I've had some trouble with my children, especially the oldest who has said some things that I can still not, privately, forgive her for. Nevertheless, having spent far too much of my time feeling angry, vengeful and depressed, I've decided the best thing is to distance myself and get on with my own life in however many years I have left and to comfort myself with the thought that perhaps one day, she especially, will feel bad!

Rubyladyis there anything in particular he is blaming you for? Something he feels is your fault, and he cannot cope with?

rubylady I noticed that the tone of your second posting was very different from your first.

Your first post started off: "I have cried, felt sad ....." and the feeling behind it is of great sadness.

Your second post is a very angry one: "We pussyfoot around our children far too much these days. I would not have dreamed of speaking to my parents in such a way. I would have had my mouth washed out long ago".

It sounds like your parents were pretty authoritarian and didn't display the "unconditional love" that absent talked about (I think some parents' love is not unconditional but dependent on what they perceive to be "good" behaviour.)

My feeling is that even when we try to do things differently from our parents, we can't entirely escape their values and practices. Perhaps you have been torn between trying to be more "liberal" with your own children and outwardly respond to your son's unkindness by falling into sadness and depression. However, what seems to lay beneath that sadness is the "wash your mouth out" anger of your parents.

Of course, it is very hurtful when children say really horrible things to us - and I expect most parents have experienced this at certain times in their children's lives. I know I have, and from other posts on here you can see that young people can say some devastatingly cruel things to their parents.

I think that rather than letting yourself become overwhelmed with sadness/anger - staying in bed, crying, etc., (which puts your son in a position of power over, but also responsibility for, your happiness - scary for a young person) it would be better - if you possibly can - to try and present a calm and unruffled surface (even though it is quite natural and understandable for you to be upset).

As others have said, you certainly should, when things have settled down, explain to your son that the things he says are very hurtful and it is not justifiable to speak to another human being in such a way.

As Mishap said, above all stay calm and get on with building new contacts and friendships in your own life. If you are in the habit of doing a lot for your son (cooking, laundry, etc), gradually withdraw from those tasks - and perhaps ask for his advice and help in dealing with practical/maintenance issues in the home.

You may want to go home after though!

Ginette. Students often have people stay over. The uni my child was in let people stay over 3 days in 7.
You are perfectly entitled to use the student kitchen.

Yes, Ginette go home. You have helped her launch her boat onto the sea of life, now let her take the helm and steer it herself.

She doesn't need you to unpack for her, let's face it you will probably put everything into the wrong drawer. Same with shopping - leave her a list of "suggestions" for things you think will be essentials. She will find out for herself what to add to that list. She is going to have to shop for herself very soon, best to start the same as all the other fledgling students. Possibly buy milk tea bread and butter before you go and leave it for her.

Allow her to be the grown-up now. She will only be playing at houses for the first few weeks but practice makes perfect (well, as near as a student can get to perfection)

Leave a note to say that you don't want to take over her life, so you have left all her things to do with as she likes. You are going home now but will be delighted to hear from her how she is getting on, as soon as she can spare the time. Lots of love, Mum.

Then get on with YOUR life.