Awful weekend.

Ruby it's obvious that this situation can't continue, whatever it is that's causing your son's behaviour.

I don't think it wise to sit it out and accept his actions as part of growing-up, it'll all come right in the end and that he'll eventually come to his senses, etc.

If I'm correct, you have a serious cardiac illness and your son has psychological issues? (apologies if I've got that wrong) in which case you need to take control and seek professional help.

Ginette your DD is probably embarassed that her Mum is sleeping on her floor! Leave her some money for shopping if you like but go home and leave the girl to get on with it for heavens sake!

Hello I'm new to this forum and have scanned quickly through the messages and have to admit we raise our kids to be the way they are! Except in exceptional circumstances where it is not the parent's fault as to how they turn out.
I doted on my daughter, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, I drove her up to university last night stayed over in her room overnight as the weather was not conducive to late night driving and also because I was hanging on thinking I was needed but she has just ignored me, woken up this morning and gone to university, not even asked me if I wanted a up of tea which I cant do on my own here since the kitchen is for the students and I would feel awful in there on my own.
She is expecting me to unpack for her and then wait for her to return to take her food shopping.
Ive had enough I have been ignoring my husband forgetting his needs and now I am paying, I dknt know how to make things right, I fear i may have left it too late.

Or it can result in the teen having to live in the woods at the bottom of my garden, which has just happened in my village. The boy's mother left last summer and the father lost all desire to deal with a stroppy moody teen. He kicked him out. Various people have tried to help, but the father refuses to have him home. The boy, so my next door neighbour told me two days ago, is sleeping in a den by the river that all the village boys have made over the years. One friend took him to social services but that didn't work for some reason. So sad. He seems to have a few people he can go to for hot meals. I awoke in the night to hear a huge rumpus of chickens, turkeys and the wild geese. Apparently it was him trying to break into my neighbour's chicken house to find somewhere warm to sleep. He just wants to go home, but his father won't let him.

I most certainly would not put up with behaviour like this and have never had my son's speak to me in such a manner,and they where not goody two shoes either just had respect for other people specially their parents,I would if I where you Ruby when he is calm and responsive speak to him as to how his behaviour is affecting you and in no uncertain terms tell him he is more than welcome to move out and the next time he starts his antic's open the front door and show him the way out and tell him not to come back until he knows how to respect you and keep to you actions do not relent in any way,he will soon get the message tough love works well in my estimation.

ruby I'm sorry you've been so upset this weekend. You've had some very good advice on here, I agree that you should not allow him to treat you so badly.
I hesitate to put this, but is there any chance that he's been using cannabis or any other drug? This could be a possible explanation for his temper and bad behaviour.

Behaviour like this is completely unacceptable. But it will have a root cause, which to an adult might seem petty and blown out of all proportion.

The way forward might be to adopt a 'pick your battle' approach. Often with teenagers they do not see the relevance of some 'rules', such as a tidy room or having clean,ironed clothes.

Standing back and ignoring some behaviour (as long as it is safe behaviour) can give both parent and child some space.

It is a difficult time, the transition between the all encompassing parent of a child and the child learning to be an adult, standing on their own two feet.
it takes two to argue, sometimes stating your position and then walking away is required. Good luck, Im sure you'll come through it. x

I know from my own experience that it can be very helpful to gain insight into how one's own behaviour is contributing to the situation.

Maybe Ruby on her own would be a better idea.

How do you think Ruby's son would react to the suggestion of joint therapy, Petallus?

Viewing this as a problem in the relationship rather than everything being down to the bad behaviour of your son might help matters. Maybe with a bit of joint therapy.

Speaking to your son's college would only make matters worse.

I still think you should speak to the tutor too.
Your son's not an adult, he's a 17 year-old boy who needs guidance.
He may be at college but presumably at his age, it's a sixth-form one.

Unless things have changed since my DCs were at school (the local comprehensive if anyone wants to know) there were regular parents evenings and the teachers welcomed input from parents at other times too.

You know your son best rubylady. You have posted at times about how kind and caring he can be. It seems he has his problems and you are his outlet for those. I know how hard it is and have posted about my son several times on here in the past.

Good advice to build your own life, tell him how much he hurts you when he speaks to you in this way, stay calm and trust that he will come through it in time. I know how very hard it can feel but try not to let it get to you. He has shown that he is capable of better things and he will grow up eventually. As much as any male ever does anyway

I have several friends going through similar times, and I did once with my own DD. I can remember not wanting to be seen with my own parents, not because I didn't love them, but because I wanted to be seen as an independent adult.

One of my friends has been having a terrible time with her DS, just 17. She eventually discovered after nine months of hell that it is because he had asked if his girlfriend could stay the night, and she refused. You may think that normal, as did she, but what he had never thought to tell her was that the girlfriend has moved away, so if she is to come back to visit him, and her old friends, she needs somewhere to stay the night. Lack of communication (and rampant hormones I suspect!). A phone call to the girl's parents last weekend and all is sweetness and light again.

I still think you should speak to his tutor, not to tell tales or to punish your son, but to let the college know that there is a problem with his behaviour/anger management. You owe this to his potential Uni room mates and future partners, he has to learn that screaming, shouting, abusing people is not on. I think the other posters are right, stop being there all the time, stop being a doormat, someone for him to dump his bad temper on, be out, go for a walk, do the shopping, visit friends or your Father. You said you had recently given up smoking ( well done) so why not go for a nice long walk instead of giving this bully an opportunity to show off when he gets home. Remember, you love him but you dont have to like him.

I feel reallly sorry for you, but you shouldn't put up with much more of this.
At eighteen he is an adult, and unless he can behave in a civilised way towards you maybe he should consider standing on his own feet.
But I realise how mothers love their sons (I've got two of them), and it must be so difficult to risk losing him. There is lots of good advice in the above posts, I hope you find the strength to stay calm but make some sort of stance.

I agree with jingls about not talking to anyone at college - mine would have been mortified and very angry if I had done that and it could make things worse.

You sound as if you have sacrificed a lot for him and, from what I remember from a previous thread, you have moved away from where you were for his benefit.

He's 18, technically an adult, so it is time he realised that you don't have to keep him; you love him and are more than happy to support him but in return he must behave in a civilised manner towards you. Arguments are inevitable but he sounds like a very angry young man for some reason. However, don't turn yourself into a doormat and a victim.
Teenagers can be foul, though, I do know, but you do hope they will come through it.

Could his grandad have a word with him and tell him that this is simply not acceptable and not to speak to his mother like that?

Perhaps you should find a social life in your new area, which could help you.
If he is 18 in May is he not going off to university next September? You mentioned 18 months more.

I am sorry your relationship with your DD is not better - she could be telling him not to speak to you like that (as each of mine did to their younger siblings, forgetting they did it themselves!)

I endorse the advice above and send commiserations.

Above all else you should stay calm and not let him see he is getting to you. Just say calmly that as your son you love him very much but find his rudeness unacceptable - he needs to get that message - but do not let him see he is causing grief, as that is part of the power trip.

Get out, build a life of your own; be out enjoying yourself when he wants his tea cooked or his socks washed. Be your own woman and let him stew a bit. I know you are in a new area, but make an active effort to leave the house and make friends and new interests. It sounds as though at the moment he thinks your life revolves around him - it is up to you to show him he is wrong about that.

Good advice jinglebellsfrocks.

Sorry I mentioned an OH. I realise it's just you and him at home. So, try hard to live for you. It is very sad.

I certainly wouldn't advocate talking to anyone at his college. Not at eighteen. That would make things worse.

I think Rubylady knows her children best, and to be honest, it doesn't sound to me like he's going to grow out of it. Let him go Rubylady. Follow your own road now. Leave the child-raising past behind. You had some good times then, but the future belongs to you now. Live for yourself and OH. Try to enjoy your days as they come. [any other little pleasure that brings you a bit of cheer] x

That's very good advice Gill especially the bit about talking to the tutor at college. You are providing a roof over his head and the opportunity to continue his education. You do not need to take this crap. But stay calm, cool and dignified do not allow him to bring you down to his level.

I am with Ruby on this, since when has it been acceptable to be rude and violent? Your son needs to learn that this is totally unacceptable behaviour. Firstly talk to a tutor at his college and tell them exactly how it is, lots of teenagers are brought up by single parents, he is not the first or the last so he needs to get over it. Secondly, he can forget any ideas about going to University until he learns to control his tantrums, he is not mature enough. Thirdly, tell him if he thinks you are not fit to meet his friends, then he is welcome to meet them elsewhere, not in your home. Don't shriek, don't shout, walk away if he kicks off. If he hits you, call the police. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop taking the blame for everything, stop being a doormat, and for the sake of whoever is your future DiL your brat of a son needs to be taught that violent and abuse is totally unacceptable.

To repeat what Farnorth said, no-one has told you to 'put up and shut up' Ruby. Quite the reverse in fact. Everyone has said your son's behaviour isn't acceptable.
To put it more bluntly and less kindly, you need to grow some and start behaving like an adult who is in control of this situation and not a victim who is being controlled.
How you do that is up to you, whether you want your son out of your life, or whether you want to rebuild a loving relationship with him.