Awful weekend.

But,Rubylady,we really do have to grit our teeth and do our best to get through it,we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be in the circumstances,and hopefully our later years will be ours to enjoy x

Rubylady,I agree with every word in your latest post,I also brought my 2 up on my own,worked my fingers to the bone,provided food,clothes,holidays and lots of love whilst their father refused to pay a penny in child support and refused my offers of regular contact as he had other fish to fry,they are now both in their thirties,one doesn't see me at all and I have been treated dreadfully at times,however both of them are best pals with the "father" who chose not to be involved in their life for years.I never thought I would say this but there are times when I truly regret giving them the best of me.

I think that you have some good advice on here.
He doesn't mean it.
Just stay calm, dignified and the adult.
If you are in a new area I think you need to get out and meet people and have plenty of interests so that you keep very busy.
Try and make a friend of the girlfriend if and when you see her.
Now that you have both calmed down I would tell him that you will not be spoken to like that and since he can't afford to support himself you need a way to live together without him being abusive for the next 18months. Tell him that he will need to make the effort because you are not going to cook, wash etc for someone who abuses you.

Hold tight Ruby. I have 3 sons and when the youngest was about 15 he said he hoped I died of cancer on my birthday.

My middle son said I was a really horrible person and my friends had no idea what a cow I really was.

My oldest son has never said a bad word to me and is a real gent. don;t know why this is because they were all bought up in a similar way.

My daughter in law said I was cold and unfeeling and would never even try to replace her mother (who had passed away).

Remember going home after one verbal attack and having to ring for a taxi at the bus stop because I was shaking so much.

Things are calming down now as they will for you. Stay calm and dignified. I always tried to be the adult. Thing is I never said a bad word to my own mother although I guess I often wanted to.

for you.

No-one has said you should put up and shut up ruby.
If your son's behaviour has been onging for a while and you see no hope of it changing then say to him, as you would to any other housemate, that clearly you are not getting on and it would be a good idea for him to find somewhere else to live.
Don't phrase it as throwing him out, just as suggesting a better way forward for him.

I'm sorry but I think we pussyfoot around our children far too much these days. I wouldn't have dreamed of speaking to my parents one inch the way my son has spoke to me, and the language. I would have had my mouth washed out long ago. I would have only said it once!

What sort of society are we breeding? I think it is totally unacceptable for him to treat me like this and from the way you are all talking I have to put up and shut up and take it. What? It is abuse! If he was hitting me would that be ok?

I see lads the same age on tele saying that they have been brought up only by their mum and how proud they are of them and how much they love them. My son walked away from me when I was struggling to breathe.

And I don't believe he will suddenly turn back into the loving son I had. My daughter hasn't. She doesn't want me to have anything to do with her wedding this summer after I have brought her up on my own too, always had my hand in my pocket especially where her two sons are concerned, and been there for her night and day all her life. So no, she's 27 now and has been awful to me over the years. And now it seems like my son is following her lead. He says he is ashamed to bring his new girlfriend back to our new home, because of me. I am how I have always been, I am not going to put airs and graces on for anyone but I also do not embarrass anyone, especially on a first meet. It seems like they have both got so snobby that they can ride roughshod over the person who has been there for them all their lives. No one else has.

Well, thanks kids, it's been a pleasure. The last 30 years of my life has been just one big waste of time!

Your son is still in the Godzilla stage and, as you've found, Godzilla's can be horrible.

Try not to take the things he says to heart although I know it's hard. For some reason Godzilla's say and do terrible things to the people they love the most.

That said stay firm and consistent. Being a Godzilla is no excuse to ride roughshod over people's feelings. Don't argue back with him but make it clear when things are calm that you are unhappy with the things he says/does. Often Godzilla's say things as throw away remarks and don't consider the affect these remarks have on people they're aimed at.

I've been through two Godzilla's and lived to tell the tale. One day they suddenly turn back into human beings. In fact my elder DD used to tell my younger DD off for being so rude when she'd been saying the same things herself only a couple of years earlier.

I read once that, in any situation, the people involved take one of three roles - adult, parent or child. The best one to be is usually adult.

Your son, of course, has very recently been a child, in actuality, but is now at the age of becoming an adult. Maybe he is finding life difficult, as things change for him, and is taking it out on you.

At a time when he is calm, can you discuss the behaviour with him, adult to adult?

That's so hurtful, I do feel for you Rubylady
I echo what absent says, right down to the last paragraph, luckily I didn't get the same problem with my son.
I know how it cuts you right to the quick, very painful. and ((hugs)) x

Absent I agree with you about the unconditional love a mother feels, and the need for adolescents to push boundaries, but I don't think that means that a parent should simply accept abusive behaviour from a child of any age.
Indeed it's part of a parent's job to teach a child what those boundaries are, and the meaning of mutual respect, and clearly you succeeded with Absentdaughter.
Ruby I hope you find a way for yourself and your son.
In your position, if there is anyone at your son's college who is responsible for pastoral care, like a tutor or a subject teacher who knows him well, I would ask for a confidential interview to see if there is anything going on at college that could explain his behaviour and to see if they have any suggestions as to how your son could be helped.
I think too that you need to see yourself as the adult guiding your child - in your OP you sound more like a child who is being bullied. Don't threaten your son with eviction or anything like that - just tell him how upset and unhappy his behaviour makes you feel, and that you don't like it. Make sure you focus on the fact that it's the behaviour you dislike, and not him.
As Absent says, he probably hasn't the first clue of the effect his behaviour has on you - and deep down, children don't want to make their parents unhappy, and they do want them to set guidelines.
Good luck

My theory is that when a teenager is feeling angry, frustrated, depressed, humiliated, lacking self-confidence or anything else negative, he or she will lash out at his/her nearest and dearest, who very probably has nothing to do with the problem and may not even realise that there is a problem in the first place. Knowing that mum's love has always been unconditional, teens seem to feel simultaneously the need to push the boundaries until the love stops – which, if it is unconditional it never will – and to use mum as an emotional punching bag because that love is unconditional and it is "safe" to abuse her.

None of that is much, if any comfort. What I can say is that my lovely thirty-two-year old daughter, who is now very close and loving, was a worry and a pain – the latter both physically and emotionally – during her teens.

I feel for you ruby, sometimes teenage boys can be very hurtful.