How to handle this?

Tough one! Do you think that you could say (in a jokey sort of way) "goodness, what's happened here? Have you been burgled or have you had friends over for a wild party?"

Yes I agree with phoenix I don't think I could stop myself saying something but I would cushion it with humour. Someday he will want a partner and household hygiene might well be an issue!

How about saying there was a fantastic deal on Groupon/Wowcher or the like of say 4 hours house cleaning and you wondered if it would be of interest to him if so you would buy it as a gift. Then arrange for a local cleaning company to go in and do the cleaning.

Yes indeed - make a joke of it. "Is there a floor under this lot?!"

But then back off - his life, his home.

Boys eh?!

It is a tough one indeed phoenix but something that I have a lot of experience in ! In my case its DD. She lives alone in a lovely little (modern) house. She bought it with her ex partner and after they split she had an awful time not knowing whether she would lose the house, low self esteem etc. and then seemed to get on top of things for a while. I have lost count how many times I have gutted her house mrsmopp. I used to say "its just messy its not scruffy" but now I realise I was just kidding myself. It is scruffy ! I am at the point of almost giving up but I know she loves it when the house is clean and tidy, I just don't have the time or energy to keep another house. I have so many other responsibilities and at the end of the day she is 29 and more than capable of doing it herself. I can't just shut up and say nothing though.

It's a difficult situation. I know if it were my son I think he would probably get a bit annoyed about me sticking my nose in, however much I'd want to.

When he was younger and in a flat and I visited the hovel, I would just say, I'll just help you clean up the kitchen a bit while I'm here, as you don't have much time when you're working. I'd just get stuck in for an hour or so and clean the kitchen and all used plates /cutlery at least.

When they are older and adults it's harder. Perhaps you could just say you've been having a spring clean at home and it looks so fresh now. Then offer your help if he wants to do the same at his anytime, and leave it at that.

My question is, why would "He be so upset if I said anything"?

Well, they are all messy as teenagers, aren't they, with clothes strewn all over the floor, but he should have grown out of it by now.
We seldom visit as he prefers to come here, which he does, frequently, and if I suggest we go to see him, he looks worried, as if he doesn't want us there. So he must be a bit ashamed, mustn't he? We end up in a B&B nearby on the odd occasion we go to see him. We might pop round for a coffee then eat out, as he never cooks for us either. I wouldn't upset him for the world, but his house is a disaster. I would love to help him though. His house could be lovely with a bit of TLC.

Because he would think that you are interfering?
Because he would think that it is none of your business?
Because he would feel ashamed?
Because he would be embarassed that he had not noticed?
Because he is independent?
Because he knows that his standards are low and doesnt care?
Because he expects you to know that he has always been like that?

Or for some other reason.

<I am probably overthinking this!>

x post!

Even if you got it lovely, it sounds like he wouldnt keep it that way.

I actually would ask him though if he would like a bit of help. He may not appreciate a deep clean! But he might be glad of you pitching in.
He sounds lovely, so I dont think he is going to be too upset with you for offering.

My thoughts soontobe, better not to say anything if there is going to be a backlash. I know that if I commented on the state of DC's homes I would be told ' if you don't like what you see, don't come ' I hasten to add that DC's homes are not dirty and untidy, just in case they can read this

Good point.

This is exactly the problem I have with DD soontobe. I spend a day getting her house all lovely, clean and tidy and she is thrilled. A week or two later and it's back to normal.

There is a possibility with mrsmopp, which I dont think would work with gillybob's daughter.

Have you considered suggesting that your DS has a cleaner in? It probably would require some tact and acting carefully to suggest it. But it might just work?

By the way mrsmopp, is there any relevance to your name? Do you love cleaning?

I just told eldest DS to get a cleaner , after I found a dead bird , well desiccated , on the stairs and my feet were sticking to the floor .She come once a week now , his sisters tell me it is lovely , alas I am beyond travelling to see him now

I don't know why my DD is the way she is. She wasn't brought up like this at all. Her brother (who has three little ones) keeps his house immaculate.

Gilly, my son wasn't brought up like this either!
My mother was the immaculate one, never a pin out of place. I used to clean up like mad when I knew she was coming as i knew she would spot anything I had missed. That is why I haven't said anything to DS because I remember how I felt when Mum said Oh you forgot to hoover your stairs!! (She had arrived half an hour early!) i don't want to be like that.

It's strange isn't it mrsmopp? My DS recently called around to repair her central heating boiler after it went off and commented that the house was (in his words) "a bit of a dump". I was shocked to hear it from him (he adores his little sister) and don't know what to do about it. Yes I could go and do a thorough clean (again), she would let me. But as I have said before I know it will be back to normal in a short space of time. She also seems to have an obsession with buying (useless) things. She has about a thousand DVD's (mostly unopened), boxes and boxes of sweets, biscuits (that she doesn't appear to eat) and mountains of toiletries !!

gilly if your daughter has allowed you to spring clean for her in the past then she's obviously not unapproachable on the subject - could you not suggest she has a weekly cleaner?

She then might buy fewer CDs, treats etc. as she'd have to pay the cleaner!

Oh goodness a young woman neglecting her home or having no pride in it unless someone else cleans it and buying things to fill in her time shouts depression to me. How about researching the cost of a local cleaner and suggesting she puts some of her useless stuff on ebay to pay for the cleaner. Gillybob you should offer to pay for the first month if you can and see if it gives her an incentive to do something.

This is my worry Stansgran. She has had a horrible few years and is no longer the bright and bubbly girl she used to be. She does work very hard (and seems to be being taken a lend of at work) and very rarely goes out. She spends most of her spare time at my house which is not normal for a girl of 29 is it? I have a lot of other family responsibilities too which means I have to share myself out.

It also occurs to me that a cleaner cleans and unless asked to doesn't tidy up.. Possibly you think oh look her nice dress on the floor ,I'll hang it up, and it all takes much longer .also a cleaner coming in might encourage her to tidy when the floors hoovered and the counters wiped. Can you get her SIL to suggest a GP visit? Sometimes it just sounds like mum fussing whereas another young woman might make her sit up?