Starting Again at 55

ginger what a beautiful post, about your dad .

Lovely post.

I'm sure your dad does know when you're with him Gingersilk, even if he can't communicate with you he will sense your presence. You obviously had a very close and loving relationship with him, something to truly treasure along with wonderful memories.
x

You do need to set up more of a social network. This is a great place, I wish I had had somewhere like this when my breakup was going on. I did have friends, but after a while realised that I was leaning too heavily on a few of them, so I gradually spread the net a bit wider and offloaded on a few more. Spread the pain, as it were! Talking about it all - or rather, writing it all down - helps so very much. You do need to get it all off your chest. And probably will need to for some time to come.

I was left without a social network when ex left because it was only a short time since we had moved from the other side of the country. It took time, but eventually I made friends based on my interests - not on our contacts as a couple. It takes time, but it's invigorating becoming your own person and not the 'other half' of someone whom you don't like or respect. I was able to take holidays I enjoyed, do OU courses, get elected as a local councillor.

I've made friends through my volunteer work. I've got used to not having friends and being careful of what I said, so friends are part of remembering who I am.
I've bought a ticket for a talk by one of my favourite authors, something I'd have never done when husband was here.

Congrats to me, I cooked and ate a cheese and mushroom omelette tonight. I've been living off toast and cereal for a week.

Well done!

Well done, GingerSilk!

I know how hard it can be to cook just for yourself

Actually, toast and cereal for two weeks. Usually I cook everything from scratch, even grow it and keep hens for eggs.

Last two weeks, meh, toast again.

That's part of taking the pressure off yourself and recovering, you can't do things at full tilt all the time.
Congrats on your achievements, you're doing well.

Thanks, FarNorth.

Dad passed away peacefully yesterday. I called the care home just as the manager picked up the phone to call me.

Although I wasn't there when he died, I'd spent a lot of time with him these past few days. We all, in my family, count ourselves fortunate to have had such a great Dad and Grandad. Not a saint by any reckoning, but a loved and loving man.

Raymond Carver wrote: “And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.” Dad certainly was.

(Raymond Carver also wrote:
“Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read.”
Sounds more and more like my kind of person!)

I feel both sad and relieved. Dementia is horrible, Dad's personality died some years ago. Now I imagine him reunited with Mum, his parents and the bunch of old rogues who were his brother and uncles. I don't believe in an afterlife, but such a belief would come in handy at a time like this.

On nights when I can't sleep I imagine waking at dawn, walking over the meadows with a teenage Dad and his terriers. We get into the boat and punt off down the river. The birds sing, the world is innocent again and it is always sunny.

Of course I was never actually there, but he told me about it, vividly, so it almost became my memory too.

So sorry GingerSilk just remember you loved him and he loved you.
I also long to lie in bed all day and read, a forlorn hope.

Gingersilk what lovely memories of your Dad. Like you, I dont believe in the afterlife, but when my Dad died ( also dementia), I somehow felt that he was somewhere else, and back as the intelligent caring man he had been before the terrible disease took over. I like your Raymond Carver quotations by the way, what bliss to have a day in bed with a book. May I make a suggestion? I hope it doesn't come across wrong, but now that your Father has died, there is even more cause for getting a divorce started and your financial affairs separated, I assume that you don't want your husband and his paramour to get any of your Father's estate? Get thee to a solicitor.

Glad you have lovely memories. Take care

Solicitors appointment made...

There is so much to do after a death and some difficult people to deal with. Diplomatic skills streeeetched. I am coping so well with Dad's death, practicalities and husband "being supportive", I'm beginning to wonder if I just haven't grasped the situation.

My mind is compartmentalising. This box has practicalities of funeral, probate, difficult sibling. This one has emotions of losing loved parent. This one has husband's control attempts and general idiocy. This one has son's serious medical condition and ramifications.

I should imagine this is a normal way of coping with stressful situations. Anyone else do this?

Thanks for the flowers. I bought myself several bunches of daffodils which are now flowering. Beautiful.

So sorry to hear about your father - my mother had a dementia illness and I do understand the mixed emotions that come at this time: shock, sorrow, but also a sense of relief that he is no longer suffering this grim illness and is at peace.

I think you are very wise to have your boxes - how else can one manage? You have so much on your plate at present - please feel that we are walking beside you.

Gingersilk, your coping strategies - the boxes - are wonderful and I love the image of your teenage dad. When mine died, I found his tape of Chopin nocturnes and used it to soothe myself to sleep and my image of him still is sitting on my small sofa with his pipe, a book and a cat. If you have precious memories/images, you never really lose your loved ones.

GingerSilk
What wonderful, very personal and soothing memories of a clearly amazing man. Take comfort from the fact that you had a unique relationship.

I have mental boxes too, especially when overload is looming- if it works for you then do it!

Just found Dad's birth certificate for the registrar tomorrow and discovered he'd spelt his name "wrongly" all his life. On his BC it's spelt with an I rather than a y. Think I'll decide the registrar was the one who spelt it wrongly. Or differently.

Oh bless him!
My GF always said he was a year older than his birth certificate-for 86 years he would swear he was a year old when he was born!

Going through paperwork, sorting out what's needed for tomorrow as well as filing my own paperwork which has piled up since husband's awful behaviour this year. It's been hard to keep on top of things.

I feel lonely and sad all the time, but I've realised I've felt lonely and sad for many years now. Time for a change. I've made friends and I constantly keep trying things which take me out of comfort zone. I'm determined to make the most of any opportunities which arise, having been suppressed by husband for so many years. It's like I'm rediscovering myself.

I don't even know where to start to describe his behaviour. Another thing I've realised is that he is still emotionally abusing me, just in a different way. Except now I've stepped out of his circle of control. He is fine with telling me the marriage is over, but if I do anything to further our divorce he absolutely panics and falls apart. Seriously so, to the point of not functioning.

Well I'll get the funeral and everything else sorted then consider and take my next step.

Well done Gingersilk for leaving. I left a violent controlling man last year after 41 years we married when I was 19. He did allow me to work so although I stayed at home when the children were small I went back to work when they were older and am financially independent. We are going through the last of the financial settlement in court at present and he continues to be as difficult as possible. I have rented a small house and am really happy for the first time in a long time.

What would you like to do? Now you can do anything. Make a little list of anything you've always wanted to do that you couldn't. See friends, eat what you want, watch what you want on the tele, go shopping, have days out, go on holiday if you can afford it, take up a new hobby. Do these with friends or by yourself. You don't have to ask anyone's permission now for anything at all. I have found it very liberating and hope you will too. Look after yourself and tell yourself you deserve these things.

Women's Aid do a brilliant support group for 1.5 hours twice a week called the Freedom Programme. It explains the thinking behind abusive partners and how we can get sucked in to their twisted reasoning and lose our confidence and self esteem, even if he did not hit you he was emotionally and possibly financially abusive. The programme is free and is very successful hope it could help you, just contact your local Women's Aid. Private message me if you would like to. Good luck you have the rest of your life ahead enjoy it.

Also forgot to say I started a new career in my lTe 40's went back to university and retrained. There's lots of help for retraining if you fancy that to you may find your experience of what you have already tried will be enough to impress would be employers

So sorry to hear about your Dad, I posted before I had read to the end. I hope your memories help you and keep doing what you're doing. Things can only get better.

Twice what a fantastic story of rebirth, well done and I am sure that gingersilk will find it heartening. You are very brave, it would have been so much easier to just stay where you were.