Starting Again at 55

Typed out a long reply to TwiceasNice yesterday but it disappeared without posting. I know it was me doing something wrong.

I attended a Freedom Programme a few weeks before Christmas, then Christmas happened and I haven't been back. I am going to try again next week or the one after. It was an eye opener to see shock on other women's faces when I related stuff that had happened that I had normalised. Not that I attended so as to shock other people. It was the first time I had told other people what had been happening.

I've made a start at doing things I really want to do but husband never would. Bought ticket for a talk by one of my favourite writers, for example. I'm also trying out things which take me outside my comfort zone. So far this has been successful, I've realised I can do certain things and do some of them well.

Still really busy with What to do When Somebody Dies stuff. There's so much. My sister is leaving it all to me. I'm right here and she's maybe 100 miles away. She hadn't seen Dad for over 3 years and is happy to let me get on with it, so long as she gets her inheritance. It's probably the easiest way, to be honest.

I've been feeling sad and lonely but realise that I've felt that way for a long time. Time for a change.

I should imagine that the sadness will last for a while. It is a bit like grieving but at a, largely manageable pace. And with your dads death as well, it is really a double dose.

As regards the control of your husband, with some of them I think they do it out of fear. Fear of losing the person. And now that he is losing you, his worst nightmares have come true, and he is falling apart.

I've also just realised I'm repeating myself a bit in my posts .

Didn't realise I'd posted some things, I thought I'd just thought them. Good grief, sound like a mad woman. I hope I'm not doing this in real life .

You're doing fine

Well I've managed to talk to the GP, the care home manager, the carers, my family, the funeral director, the registrar and sundry other people, calmly & reasonably.

But getting through to Barclays Bank by phone reduced me to tears. "Say your mother's maiden name. Say your mother's maiden name. Just say your mother's maiden name. Let's start at the beginning again. Put in your debit card number. We don't recognise that...."

It took ages and I was being so careful to put the correct number in. Eventually I cried.

When I actually got through the service was ok.

You're doing fine under extremely stressful conditions Gingersilk
If repeating oneself = mad woman then yep, that's me. I share the frustration of trying to get through automated phone answering systems, the one to our mortgage provider reduced me to tears, so I wrote and told them so!
Take care and you'll get there, I think you're doing great; there are bound to be a few meltdowns ((hugs)) x

Thanks a lot GillT57 it does feel a bit like a rebirth although I know that I am changed it is still stressful finalising everything and he keeps delaying things and being difficult, I am anxious much of the time and find some things hard to cope with but it is still a much better life than I had. Gingersilk keep going especially now you are grieving re type your message if you feel like it I will be very happy to read it. I love Gransnet it is an absolute lifeline

GingerSilk. I have sent you a PM.

This is not easy . It's beyond difficult, in fact. I've had quite a bit to do with husband this week, at his instigation, and there's been several examples of his lies and deceit. I think he's too stupid to realise that he's just done it, ie told me one thing and half an hour later telling me the exact opposite. If I point it out he's speechless. Either he doesn't notice or I'm not supposed to.

I will get good legal advice, without his help or interference. Right now I feel knocked for 6 by the definite ending of our marriage, after several years of stringing me along with lies, broken promises and emotional abuse. Then the death of my father last week. Really left reeling. Functioning at a minimal level. At least after the funeral, this coming week, I should be seeing a lot less of husband which will help my mind settle.

He's such an abusive bastard yet thinks he's being mr nice guy.

Usually I can come up with a plan of action but right now surviving is it. That's the plan of action.

Good morning gingersilk you sound as if you are going in the right direction and you are finally seeing your soon to be ex for what he is. He must be in a panic, realising that you have rumbled him. Give your wonderful Father the funeral he deserves, and then give yourself the future you deserve. It is Spring, the time of year for looking forward and for fresh starts.

Hi gingersilk. There are times when it all gets just too much, aren't there? Those are the times to come on here and get it off your chest. Your almost-ex sounds decidedly unstable and you'll be so much better off when the ties are finally severed.

Surviving is good - sometimes that is all we can do and we should pat ourselves on the back for that.

During a really bad patch for me recently I kept an "Achievement Record" - some days it consisted of little else than things like "ate lunch", "had a shower", "spoke to DD on phone." It helped me to see that, even though they were little steps, they were indeed steps and that is what mattered. It sounds to me as though you are achieving a great deal more than I was doing! - so, as I said, a pat on the back for you.

Achievement Record sounds a good idea. Didn't get showered until an hour ago. Feel totally wiped out today.

But you showered! - that is an achievement when life is tough.

Resting and doing nothing is good when in amongst stress times.

You're doing wonderfully GingerSilk.

You've been getting clobbered for a long time, trying to make things work with your H, and now even more with getting free of him and the stress of your Father's illness and death to go through.

You said Well I've managed to talk to the GP, the care home manager, the carers, my family, the funeral director, the registrar and sundry other people, calmly & reasonably. That is a whole lot of achievements! Well done.

Another type of achievement could be just giving yourself permission to do nothing but rest all day, if that's what you need.

If you can't cope with H at the moment, tell him to back off and you'll be in touch with him later. Do whatever you need to, to heal yourself.

((hugs))

Slept in the middle of the bed, instead of on " my side". Progress.

Hi GingerSilk - so sorry to read of the turmoil you are going through.
Like TwiceAsNice I also walked away from my spouse of 18 years, at the age of 63, last January.
He has a Narcissistic Personality plus alcoholism. Because of the first aspect he denies the second aspect.
Over the past year I have come to recognise the buttons he attempts to push; they don't work any more I am pleased to say. In time this is where you will also be.
You are dealing with a double dose of grieving - the death of your father and the death of your marriage. Expect days when you are wiped out - emotional labour uses up your energy. If your body wants sleep, then sleep. There are loads of relaxation videos on YouTube to help you.
Expect your emotions to be all over the place - I find just writing them down helps, I have a Word document but the old fashioned journal and pen can be useful.
Write out all those uplifting sayings that you may see on Facebook or other media - put them on a post-it and stick them around the place where they will catch your eye.
Plan a holiday or attend an event. Check out if your University of the 3rd Age has a local branch. Scan the newspaper for groups and events close to you.
Remind yourself that your DH had a toxic personality and you deserve better.
I started a new career at 53 - I still do occasional work as it is the job that I love. Working does help to heal too. I even like ironing these days!
Wishing you all the best.
ShowerGel

Shower Gel, I can tell you've been through a similar experience. I often feel totally wiped out, if I can I wrap myself in a soft blanket and crash out for an hour.
My emotions and thoughts can be everywhere. I sometimes, well, usually, feel like my mind is full of tangled string, everything a muddle, no clear end or beginning. I arranged my Dad's funeral, coping pretty well with it and I'm working on all the other stuff that needs doing when someone dies. So not bad, really. Grieving the loss of my Dad is done in fits and starts, as my mind can cope with it.

My husband has tried to be a support, and actually has been in some ways. But today I've been realising just how abusive he's been. The divorce will be a very good thing for me, but it is tough to go through. Mourning a marriage which was always abusive, but I had hope would get better. If I could just get things right.

I've followed the advice of Mishap and keep an Achievement Record. Every night I note down what I've managed to do that day. Showering and dog walking, cooking a meal (need to better), dealing with Dad's affairs, posting a letter. Big or small, it all counts. Especially as hiding under a duvet is very inviting.

Don't feel I've got any real direction yet, especially post-marriage life, but it's early days and I'm surviving.

Giving yourself permission to crash out for an hour in a soft, cosy blanket, is also an achievement.
So write that in too.

I went through hell a couple of years ago after 40 years of unhappy marriage which I would have stuck with. After 2 years of 'living with the enemy' the house we built was sold and I've now been in my own house with my two beloved cats for a year now and am much happier. In the past 12 months my bitterness and grief over the death of my marriage has receded and in fact I was able to become quite sociable with my ex who I feel now regrets his drastic actions, though he's never likely to admit it. My only bit of advice I can offer is that you need to get some sort of financial agreement in place before your inheritance comes into play. As in principle it wouldn't be right for him to share it. I spent a lot of my inheritance on home improvements and investments to make our lives more comfortable - all to no avail. I now find I'm living almost on the breadline as I preferred to buy as good a house as I could manage rather than something cheaper with a bit of money in the bank. Unfortunately at 70 I am out of the work place although I would dearly like to earn a bit of money to make life a bit more comfortable.

Echo Nansypansy's comments about learning to move one. Accept what has happened - it will then release you to move on.

Then.....when you have found a bit of peace...learned to live on your own terms...its amazing how the 'departee' then looks back over his shoulder and shows every sign of regretting it all. Happened to me and, without planning it at all, I found that by 'getting a grip' on my life and moving forward I had reaped the ultimate revenge!.

I have an appointment with my very good solicitor v soon. I've realised that every time my husband kept me dangling with lies and false hope, I've ended up in a worse situation financially and work wise. So no more of that. Even now he's pressuring me over what I should do with the inheritance. He had formulated a plan which would have advantaged him and one of my children ( the one he's closest to) but would have disadvantaged me. I just Hmmm at him and keep my powder dry. He honestly thinks I will more or less do as he suggests, he thinks he holds all the cards and I'm at his mercy. I'm just letting him go on believing that while I consult with my solicitor and plan my best way forward. He keeps urging me to trust him. I asked him why I should seeing as he hadn't kept a single one of the many promises he's made and as he said to me "I've told so many lies, I don't know the truth myself any more". Just the kind of guy to trust my financial future to.
Today I set the timer for 1 hour and spent it cleaning and tidying. Might not sound too impressive, but I am very impressed. Now having a coffee break and then it will be 1 hour of paperwork and filing. Wow!

You are doing so well Ginger and have all my admiration. Well done indeed.

You're doing brilliantly, well done!
I really admire you too!