Starting Again at 55

You must tell him what to do with his Plans for your inheritance. What cheek!!

GingerSilk.....I am impressed.....I've been in that awful inertia state where you really do not know what to do next and then realised that physical activity, any activity had a huge knock on effect to both my physical and mental well being. Identifying a task, doing it and then mentally patting yourself on the back is excellent progress. I eventually cleared out all his stuff (neatly piled it in garage) and told him to collect it. I decorated the kitchen. I reorganised the garden. Totally reorganised the bedroom, feminine bed linen etc.

Take a note pad to solicitors - and prepare questions before hand. Then before you make any decisions I'd still be inclined to talk it through with a trusted but disinterested friend. They make good sounding boards and although its rare for a solicitor to totally get it wrong, they are not infallible.

Good morning Gingersilk and very well done on what you have achieved so far, physically, and most importantly, mentally. Just keep your powder dry as you said, and take legal advice. This inheritance from your beloved Father is to be used as you wish, not your ex. There will come a time, soon, when your ex will realise what he has lost in you as he considers a lonely old age. You on the other hand, can look forward, and be heartened by some of the people on here who have left unhappy marriages at at age when most people would just stick with it because it is easier. It is Spring, and time for new beginnings and a a new life for you. Success is the best revenge, success in your new life. An hour cleaning is admirable in my book

Definitely something physical helps! That way you can see the difference too.

I'm so impressed, gingersilk. You are well organised but I hope you also fit in some leisure activities.

Tell us when the funeral is if you have not had it yet and the combined Gransnet spirit will be with you.

Good idea to take pad & pen & questions to solicitor app. That way I won't forget to ask vital things & I can write down the answers. Don't worry, I have no intention of going along with his plans. As usual he is trying to keep an iron grip on everything, he will not like it at all when he realises he can't.

He left first in Autumn last year, regretted it almost immediately then had a "breakdown", or major anxiety & panic when I wouldn't take him back, had to have sedation & anti-depressants to cope. He managed to get a child and in law sympathising with him & both kept up a chorus of "He's changed". Then he wrote to me with lots of promises to do things he knew I wanted within the marriage. Nothing unreasonable, such things as not changing his mind every day or so as to whether he would leave or not. 3 years of that, while we had some major life stresses going on with the children and grandchildren.

So I let him come back, full of hope ( me, not him) & he immediately behaved in all the ways that had caused so many problems. He left again after a few weeks, wanted to come back but this time I stuck to my guns. Even last week, while it tried to cope with my Dad's funeral he was calling me saying "Is this it? Are we really over?" & seeming put out when I said YES!!!

Anyway, rant over. I just managed an hour of paperwork. Hugely satisfying. Next dog walk & lunch. Thanks for the kindnesses, it gives me a lot of strength.

You're doing brilliantly, GingerSilk.
Your H wasn't able to stick to his decision to make a go of his marriage so now you can help him stick to his decision to abandon it.

It's definitely going to be stuck to this time. I think he will struggle emotionally once the legal wheels start turning and he isn't controlling everything. Too bad, he'll have to deal with it. I've dealt with his appalling behaviour for a very long time.

Yesterday I put in another hour and a half and sorted out all the paperwork. It feels great. I'd tried to do it before Christmas and just ended up lost in it, with piles of papers everywhere. I lugged a load out to the recycle bin, filed everything I need to keep, have a shred pile and another pile going to AlmostEx tomorrow.
It feels great.

Today I got up at 6.30 - had been awake for half an hour - and went for a bike ride. That did not feel great. I hadn't done it for so long, I'm out of shape. But I love cycling and feel good about doing it now. It's always been my best way of shedding a few pounds and getting fit. And the birds were singing and the forest was beautiful.

I've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. AlmostEx had always decided our bedtime. It simply wasn't worth trying to go to bed earlier or later.

I've also realised I can choose my own knickers. Ridiculous isn't it. I can wear high legs, bloomers, thongs ( not actually going to, but I could), boy shorts, whatever I want. No comments about the kind of Knicks he prefers me to wear. Freedom....

I admire your discipline, gingersilk. When my ex took off, I was 45, in a new job which imposed a routine. After about six weeks, he came back 'to try again'. It didn't work. We had the unhappiest caravan holiday ever. At last he went for good, though just before we went to court he did suggest that we get together again and he could still see HER! Unbelievable! They do want their bread buttered on both sides. I'm so glad you have now fully got the measure of yours and that he is going to get what he deserves - and, please, no butter on either side!

Just had a flippant thought Gingersilk...why not burn all the underwear that you dont like, the stuff that AlmostEx made you wear? You could call it The Bonfire of the Vanities.

Unbelievable he even controlled what lingerie you wore
Burn the lot as Gill suggested and go and treat yourself!
Onwards and upwards Gingersilk!

anno so I take it you weren't happy with the man-share arrangement? . What are these men on? Unwieldy egos and entitlement I can only presume.

Saw my solicitor yesterday who laughed heartily when told of Almostex's plans for my inheritance. I shall be able to keep a roof over my head, I won't end up in the workhouse and it won't all be reliant on husband's goodwill. Which is what he has tried to get me to believe.

Giil and loopy, underwear control was the least of it. I'm horrified at what I endured in the belief it was my fault and that if I just did that bit better all would be well

Given your user name I think you should treat yourself to undies of your choice - perhaps ecru silk? (Not sure they make ginger ones!)

Keep strong - you are doing brilliantly! Nil desperandum............etc.

Gingersilk that's the nature of bullying and abuse, the power they wield.
You're doing a great job, am full of admiration of you x

It takes a lot of courage to remove oneself from this sort of mind control, because people's personalities begin to sink without trace under that sort of abuse. Clearly your mind is very much still afloat - good for you!

Some days I feel flatter than others, although it am soldiering on. Yesterday I put in several hours at one of my volunteer jobs. Everyone's been very supportive and it was good to get some normality. Then a trip to a Building Society for informing them of death of Dad and all the associated paperwork. Well, on screen work.
Then I came home and fell asleep on the sofa as I'd been awake since 4, so much on my mind. Eventually I'd given up and taken the dog out before 6, which he was most pleased about. Sat in the forest listening to birds and thinking WTF has happened to my life?
So I'm Getting Stuff Done, even if slowly. Bastard husband has caused so much damage to me and my life. I'm not going to be taken in by his lies and manipulations again.

One day at a time. Gardening then trip to buy clock to replace one taken by husband. I'm tired of looking at a blank space on the wall to see what the time is.

4 weeks ago today my husband of 20 years finally ended our marriage with a text message. Yes, you read that right, a text message.
3 weeks tomorrow my lovely Dad died.
2 weeks Thursday my son's medical procedure failed, which leaves a huge question mark over his long term survival.

I feel terrible tonight.

I cannot make any thing better, but all on GN are here for you. Hang on in there every thing, with time will get better. ((((Hugs)))) x

Feeling terrible is normal, under the circumstances, but it still feels terrible.
Thank you J52.

Just went on the Women's Aid site & did their questions about recognising domestic abuse. This is to remind me what a total bastard he is and how lucky I am he's left. There were only 3 questions where he scored a no and two were things he couldn't do, eg threaten me with deportation and the other was because he doesn't drink so couldn't blame his actions on that.

So I shouldn't feel hurt, I should feel relieved. Tonight I feel hurt, though. Part of the journey, perhaps?

Try to get a good nights sleep. Things may look better in the morning. It will be a long slow, up and down process, I'm sure.

Off to bed now, I may not always post, but will try to follow. x

I think that you are right that feeling hurt is part of the journey. Trust has been betrayed and that hurts. But just as stubbing you toe hurts to begin with, it gradually gets better - and so will this.

You are bound to have a mixture of emotions - you must at one time have loved him, and that can be difficult to deal with - realising that you made a mistake in your choice of partner is uncomfortable, but in time you will be able to put all that into the past and move on.

You have taken the right steps to renew your life, and tomorrow will come. You will get through this. This is the painful bit - the rewards will come.

Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.

The three things you outline earlier have been done to you and you cannot alter that.

You are in control of how you react to them, you are right to feel angry that the events have happened. x

Keep your chin up Gingersilk.
I escaped after 25 years with a verbally abusive bully. Although it's taken a long, long time to stop feeling nervous and scared of what he might do, I am now very happy living alone.
You can do it, you will get better and stronger and you will be happy.
That's the best revenge!