younger model

This is so sad

I don't want to hijack this thread or pry charleygirl but did you contribute more than your H before you separated? My DD and her H split 6months ago and I am really worried about her situation She is in the house and he is renting but they both say most of the house is his.There are children 15 and 12.

So sorry Kacee. Can't offer any better advice than you've had, but I feel for you. [hugs]

Kaycee it happened to me but I was a lot younger than you, in my mid 40's. I also agree that you should stop telephone contact and as difficult as it is, you should try and get your financial life together and see a solicitor because soon he will be asking you for money and/or 50% of the house. If he does not want it, she will!

Try and put on a brave face if you meet him or he rings you. My ex married the lurv of his life 6 months after divorcing me but rang later saying that he regretted it. He is still with her but she applied the financial thumb nails/screws so controls every euro that enters that flat.

You are fortunate that you have your children and grandchildren.

Would you ever trust him again if he did return? I think not.

6 months is nothing- I hate to say it but it is something that may remain with you for a long time but try to go out with friends, slowly make a life for yourself and forget about him.

I sold our marital home before our divorce because I could not afford to pay the mortgage alone indefinitely. I did exceptionally well financially and gave him next to nothing.

I think your feelings are extremely normal. Focus on what petra said and never give up hope. He may get to miss the family life he had before but it would still be hard for him to return. You may need a family member or someone as a mediator :a SIL or someone not too close for example. I feel very sad for you.

You have been together since you were 14. No wonder you cant remember life without him.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

The family do still see him but it's not the same. I did not really see it coming, in fact we had both discussed things and decided to try harder to get things better. A week before he left he told me he had never been happier. He already had his flat for 3 weeks at this time.

If I was reading this about somebody else I would be thinking ' is this woman mad, how can she even think of taking him back'.

I don't remember life without him.

Hi kaycee how hard to have this happen to you. Did it come completely out of the blue?

It's obviously still very raw. If I were you, as hard as it is, I wouldn't phone him for any reason whatsoever.

I also do not believe the "nothing was going on whilst we were still together" - if there's a new woman on the horizon very quickly, I'd bet on it that she's been in the picture for a while (one way or another). Sorry.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Six years down the line, she says she still loves her husband, but she no longer misses him, she has built a life for herself.

I don't want to give you false hope, but yes, it can turn round. It happened to me. We parted after 19 years. Separated for 2 then got back together. That was 15 years ago.

Kacee

Some of them want to come back when the honeymoon phase is over.I'd want to negotiate the terms of a return or non return. Maybe get some legal advice. Statistics Canada says 50% of 1st marriages break up and 75% of 2nd ones. Wonder if the same sort of #s apply in Britain. Hope you can keep your mind working on how to protect yourself after such a betrayal.

This is like bereavement, as Rosequartz says. They difference you are grieving for your marriage and all that it meant to you.

This does include the absolute trust you have put in him. Again like Rosequartz, I would find it hard to trust someone who treated me like this.
I think I would be very angry at the deceit and make sure I came out financially on top! Politely put! x

maybe it's time to get mad

Or, as the saying goes, don't get mad, get even

I get very upset, he says this doesn't help
Does he mean it kindly in that it doesn't help you, or that it doesn't help him with his guilt?

It's early days yet, and you have your lovely family to help see you through this. Do they still see him and what do they think?
I am sure there are stages that you will go through (like a bereavement) and I hope it gets better for you - you have been with him for most of your life so it must be very hard.

Yes, you do need to sort out your finances, pensions, the house etc. Try not to get upset when you do - you don't want her getting it all after all those years you spent together.

It's amazing how you can live with someone all that time and not really know them.

Personally, I would not want him back and could never trust him again, but I am not you.

J52, it doesn't make me feel worse, at the moment nothing could.

There are good days and bad days and I do know I am luckier than most as my daughters and grandchildren are very close.

We have been together since I was 14, I am know 60, it's very hard to let go.

From other female friends experiences and what I have read the ' I was not seeing her till I left' excuse is the oldest in the book. Sorry, if that makes you feel worse, it's not meant to.
As Anya says, maybe it's time to get mad and make sure that you financial wellbeing is secure.
Kind wishes. x

I think I have misled you. He does not contact me most of the time, I contact him. Sometime it is because I need to ask things regarding the upkeep of the house. I am rubbish at this sort of thing.

What a dreadful situation to find yourself in Kacee, and like the other posters here, I have no expert advice to offer. I just add my thoughts to those that are here, and hope that as time goes by you will feel a little better. How fortunate you are to have your family near, and can enjoy the company of your grandchildren, they are great healers I find.

He did not leave me in a very nice way, he rented a flat nearby about a month before he left and started moving his stuff out when I was out and about with my 2 daughters.

He assures me that he was not seeing her when he left me and that it did not happen until we had seperated, I am not sure I believe him.

Everybody I know say that this screams of mid life crisis (a bit late!!) He says he is happy.

Has this happened to anyone else and did they come back??

Kacee I have no personal experience but just wanted to say how sorry that you're in this position.

Why does he phone - to ease his conscience?

He has a bit of a cheek to say that your crying doesn't help - doesn't help what, his progress into his new life?

It's obviously very raw for you right now ... maybe just take each day at a time without looking for answers as to whether the git will come back.

Give yourself time to adjust and don't always be available on the end of the phone line for whenever he wants to contact you.

[hugs]
So awful for you. I agree with tanith that 6 months is not much time when it comes to something like this.

I dont know if they ever come back. I suppose a few do?

If it was me, there would be no way I would want them back.
But I am not you.

If he were to come back, do you think that he would stay?

Kacee - well it seems to me you've made a start on 'getting through this'. Good on you for coming on here and posting.

You are still at the sad and lonely and want him home stage, you say. Well you've spent 6 months mourning him, now get mad at him.

How dare he leave you after 40 years.

I look after my 1 year old grandaughter and have another one due in August. I will also be looking after this one by next April. As I type this my 7 year old grandson is in my garden and the other 2 are coming here while their mum goes shopping. Although this is not an everyday occurance I do realise I am luckier than most.

It is him that I miss, he tells me he loves her & sees it as long term.

Do they ever come back? He knows I am devastated and when he phones I get very upset, he says this doesn't help and will not change anything.

Kacee what a dreadful thing for you , 6mths is no time at all to get over something so devastating no wonder you still feel the pain.
Its good you've got help and coming here for support or advice is another plus for you.
Can you try focusing on your family and beloved Grandchildren are they close by?

Please carry on posting the women on this site are marvelous at giving advice and support..

Thank you J52