Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

Thank you Smileless for your frank answers.
I have been encouraging my husband to write his son but he's too proud, I guess. He keeps reminding me that his son said to him in a text that he MAY talk to him in the future.
We were in Florida last winter when one of stepsons boys had his first birthday. My husband's birthday was the day before GS. My stepson texts his father a happy birthday. We were on a boat ride so DH couldn't reply right away as there wasn't much cell service by the alligators. A few hours later DSS calls and asks " Didn't you get my message?" He could call to find out if we got the message but not to wish a happy birthday. My DIL never called, texted or said anything. The next day I posted on Facebook a picture of the one year old and said happy birthday. DIL said a public thank you to me and we miss you.
We get home from Florida and find out they are mad we didn't call the one year old on the phone for his birthday. So apparently even though I out it on FB and DIL replied it wasn't good enough.
We saw them two weeks after we got home as they made excuses why we couldn't come over. My stepson ignored his father all through dinner and only talked to me or his family. It didn't matter that we paid.
Upon leaving the restaurant my DIL tells me we have to get together again and in the same sentence says my husbands X wife can't babysit for a week the next month would we like to do it?
How generous of them to allow us to get up early, pick the baby up from her school, sit all day and then drive thirty minutes to meet stepson at the end of the day. How entitled
are they? Mind you we have been doing this all ready for three years in addition to what I previously mentioned of caring for my daughters kids once or twice a week and caring for in laws in their 90's.
And to make matters even more upsetting they couldn't even send DH a little something for his birthday. He got a card that was all ripped up. We asked DIL if perhaps a gift card was in the card envelope as it was ripped up and we wanted to let the post office know if that were the case. She said no that there was nothing in it but love. Now some of you may think that's so sweet but I really think it's selfish of them. I don't expect to get paid for watching the grandkids but really? You can't send a small something for grandpas birthday. DHGit a gift from them last year and we have been quite generous with them on their birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. It's not the gift actually it's the appreciation I guess we are looking for. Why do they gift my husband some years and not this one?
Well this is long enough. I could go on and on.
I think about the boys everyday and as each day goes by I get madder and madder that they don't feel we need any sort of explanation for their estrangement. How passive aggressive is that to be mad and make us guess why?
Smileless just wondering what part of Florida you have your villa? We live in Michigan but are going down each year now in the winter. We aren't sure if we want to commit to a place yet.

Wow smileless only 2 and half weeks till you jet off to warmer climes!

Glad be back from London good have them buzz of capital for couple of days and show carol king musical was great.

Received email from Lucy thanks.

Shame this thread is hijacked then once people upset it all quiete a down that is internet nastiness I guess people enjoy saying things without having face consequences.

Just had great afternoon with Monika and little Danika who slept til after 4 bless her !

I hadn't realised you lived in the states. We're going to Florida in 2.5 weeks' time, I love it there. Of course the weather is fabulous and everyone is friendly and cheerful. We bought a villa 8 years ago, it was a dream come true and try to go there twice a year, hopefully for longer holidays when DH retires.

I'm sorry you spent your 26th anniversary crying over your boyswe've had a few like that together with Christmas' and birthdays but not so much now.

As you say, at the age of 44 your stepson should be able to address any issues he has with his father. If he feels unable to do so face to face he could send an email or letter. There can be no hope of reconciliation without communication; the silence is deafening isn't it. Having been told that this is an issue, has his father contacted him and asked him what his issues are?

We're in the same boat with our ES, we just don't really know why. The 'reasons' he's given are meaningless as they're simply not true. We have our suspicions but nothing concrete to go on.

There are "no tricks to not getting ill from this" it inevitably takes its toll on your physical and mental well being. You just have to try and ride out each episode of anxiety and distress until it subsides. Be kind to yourselves and each other. Try not to spend hours and hours going over every aspect of their childhood and their lives as adults up to the time of the estrangement, trying to identify what you did wrong.

You say you used to look after your GC so clearly there haven't been any concerns as to your suitability to being given responsibility for their well fare in the absence of their parents. Apart from wishing to cause you pain, what other reasons can there possible be for preventing you from seeing them now?

All relationships have problems, we all make errors of judgement and have said and done things that have caused upset but I cannot believe any parent could behave in such a terrible way to justify being cut out of their child(rens) lives and be totally ignorant of what they've done.

It's good that you and your husband talk about the situation and are able to cry together. Being open and honest with one another and finding people who you can confide in, without fear of judgement go a long way to helping manage stress levels.

You have to try and get on with the everyday challenges of life which I know, on really bad days can seem impossible but you can do it, what other choice is there. We can only ever speak with true clarity on something we've experienced for our selves.

My experience as we fast approach the 3rd anniversary of our estrangement is it does get easier with time, you realise that you are getting stronger. The other day my DH pulled into the same lay by he'd stopped in almost 3 years ago. He'd pulled over then because he felt it was all getting too much for him and told me he'd just broken down and wept. The other day theand without thinking he pulled over and just sat quietly watching the interaction between rooks in the field (he's a keen bird watcher). He told me that as he sat there he remembered how desperate he'd felt 3 years before and how amased he was at how far he'd come.

Take care Rhineston; love the name you've chosen by the way, makes me think of the boots I bought in Florida.

As you could probably tell I live across the pond in the states. My ES lives an hour away. The other day I was in a shop only a half hour from him and I actually thought I would stop by and see if he answered his door. But I didn't go. My ES doesn't answer my mothers emails either.
My estranged stepson and his family live thirty five minutes from us. But his wife's school that she teaches at is twenty minutes from us. We used to pick our GC up there early in the morning to babysit. My DIL has a friend that lives further than us that she manages to see but yet told me she has no time to stop by and see us. They have three weeks off during the year and ten weeks off in the summer. We are only useful for free childcare it seems.
It seems that your son wants to torment you by walking by your home or he is hoping he will literally bump into you for a chat hoping you will start it. That's my thought.
My DH and I are having a really hard time emotionally. We spent our 26th anniversary at a restaurant crying about our sons. At least we have some clarity on the stepson' s issues having bumped into his MIL who said he has issues with his dad from childhood. My goodness the stepson is 44 years old. Put on your big boy pants and talk to your dad!! But my son.... We haven't a clue.
Tell me what are the tricks to not getting ill from all of this?

Hello Rhinestone, it's good to see your post I hope you're doing OK.

Our ES lives 15 doors down the road from us in a relatively small village. They moved here just before they were married. I remember teasing him at the time and asking him if he 'wanted to be near his mummy' and he said 'no, free child care if we have children'; ahhh the irony.

It's inevitable that we will see him and our GC as we go out in the car and walk our dogs and to begin with it was very hard; it really pulled at our heart strings but now as we rapidly approach the 3 year mark it really is much easier. I think it's hardest seeing our GC with the child minder; knowing that a stranger, non family member knows him so well (she's been having him for 3 years now) and we don't know him at all. Even that though is nothing like as painful as it used to be.

I have no idea why he walks past our house where he grew up. DH thinks it might be to remind him of his child hood and how things used to be but I don't honestly think that's why. If that were the reason, why have our GC with him? To me it's just an act of cruelty 'here he is mum, you can't speak to him or give him a cuddle, just look at what you're missing' or maybe I'm just being cynical.

We had hoped they'd move but the deposit in their house is due to an investment we made along with my brother so that may be the reason they've stayed. They did put the house up for sale last spring but took it off the market after a couple of months. I'm not sure what's worse, not seeing them at all or never knowing from one day to the next if you will.

It must be strange for him though. His son goes to the nursery school he used to attend, will go the primary school he went too, plays on the village green where he used to play.

We did consider moving but we've lived here for 30 years and made a lot of improvements. We love the house, it over looks unspoiled fields to the rear where there are plenty of rabbits, the occasional fox and of course this is where we raised our family. Our other son in Aus. said he was pleased we'd decided to stay, I think he would have been sad if we'd sold his child hood home. He came back for a couple of weeks in the summer and said how lovely it was to come back to the house and village where he grew up.

How about you, are you close by or do you live some distance away?

Smileless 2012 thank you for your concern about me. Since I'm new here I was wondering why your son seems to see you? Does he live near you? It almost seems like if he wanted you out of his life totally he would avoid anyplace you might be.

Thanks for your reply LucyGransnet I look forward to receiving your email.

Quite yet absent gran sent a vile message to smileless which kind of illustrates a lack of feeling or human decency.

No one a hq steps in until damage already done.

Well said smileless these guidelines? Eh?
Yet a post is allowed running me Down which should breach personal insult guidelines.

Mmm?

I would like to know why my post of 16.31 has been deleted. Your forum guidelines state that a post will be deleted when you "believe them to be obscene, racist, contain personal attacks or break the law once they are bought to (your) attention".

My post concerned and repeated a personal attack on myself that I had received via a pm. If I wished the content of that pm to be put on the open forum, why should you wish to delete it?

I should like to remind GNHQ that when the COOTL 4 thread was started on the AIBU forum, it was deleted as it was considered that the subject matter would attract less hostility if it were to be placed in the Relationships forum. It did not contravene your guidelines by being libellous or racist or otherwise breaking the law, and yet you deleted it any way.

Sadly, moving this thread to another forum and giving it another title has not deterred those who wish to disrupt it.

Unnecessary celeb I think some of us have a good idea of the posts which were cruel and insensitive and have formed our own opinion.
I find it inexplicable, not to say sad that anybody who has experienced suffering, pain and loss can not recognise that pain in others and respect their grief.

It is a great shame Lucy that you allow the insults to be posted and seem rather selective in what is deleted.

The purpose of this thread is to offer support and it has been well and truly hijacked.

Shame on them.

Wow smileless that is beyond awful!

SORRY you had to read that.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

How unfortunate that your post has been deleted before others could read it. Unbelievable.

Bloody hell, Celebgranny. Your posts are cruel and disgraceful. I'm surprised that the forum owners haven't kicked you out.

* celeb* I find you comment to/about a bereaved parent astonishing in its level of unkindness. Do you not see how spiteful it sounds?

I think Anya was simply pointing out that there is always hope with estrangement but death is final and therefore, if one has to be in a tough place, it is better to have an estranged relationship that could heal rather than suffer the death of a child.

Everyone's emotions appear to be too raw to be rational

I have not been affected by death or desertion of my DC or DGC for which I give heartfelt thanks. However, I know where my sympathies lie having read this thread.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

That's relief then elegran go play ball elsewhere smileless I wish I was a good and patient as you and yes totally agree yawn yawn.

HOWEVER the same old trouble makers are off now to no doubt feel pleased with their nasty comments good riddance. They surface every 6 months or so as you said smileless sadly it was my letter printed in mail that triggered them off this time.

How very very small Minded and self centred some posters are.

I think anyone reading the post I referred back to earlier might have recognised that the poster was speaking from the pain of experience.

I'll quote it here -

"it's watching the unbearable grief of the parents and not being able to take any of their pain away.

Oh child of my child"

It was the response to that post - without even reading it, it appears - that triggered most of the last two pages. Those of us who asked for fair play for that poster were treated as enemies and seen off the premises.

I shall now return to my playground and not bother you any more.

I am truly sorry for your losses absentgrandma due to bereavement and estrangement but OMG to make an accusation of self-flagelating.

Absent grandma, thanks for your post. Empathy, emotional maturity and intelligence really help those of us living with loss.