Gransnet forums


Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

(1000 Posts)
celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 15:22:38

Will this be ok any ideas welcome smileless and yogagirl please chip in.

Ana Tue 03-Mar-15 15:40:22

Bump (because this seems to be a much more positive new thread started by celebgran!)

celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 15:51:53

I hope this can be a positive thread for maybe those of us who are ready to rebuild our lives Ana we still have thread 4 starred also?! So let's see.

Maybe one for sadness this one for positive stuff ?! If that makes sense.

grannyactivist Tue 03-Mar-15 17:10:13

smile And bump again.

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Mar-15 18:56:41

Well due to the almost instantaneous agro on COOTL4 Lucygransnet has informed us that a decision has been made to cancel that thread and leave this one running instead.

If no one minds I'd just like to re post the quote from Sharon Wildey's 'Abandoned Parents, the Devil's Dilemma'

"There is not a crueler action to take against another human being than ostracism, abandonment and alienation and especially when that other human being is your parent".

I hope too Celeb that those of us who are ready to try and rebuild our lives and those who are not yet there, will find the care and support that was always available on the COOTL threads despite the need of some to cause disruption.

Come on Yogagirl we need your posts and yours also Mums70

celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 19:47:46

Well done smileless excellent words. So very true.

Beggars belief the attitude of some gransnet ladies no names of course but for lucyn to have to tell grown women to be kind and polite shame on them.

Soutra Tue 03-Mar-15 19:56:18

Present company excepted, of course hmm

grannygrace Tue 03-Mar-15 20:29:56

To add type confused

LucyGransnet (GNHQ) Tue 03-Mar-15 21:36:26

Just to clarify - this is an open thread, just as it's an open forum and anyone can post if they wish. My reminder applied to all members, no specific ones, and was a reminder to keep in mind our guidelines when posting.

grannyactivist Tue 03-Mar-15 21:38:16

I have five children and my eldest (a daughter) is estranged from me. I have no idea why she cut herself off from me, her siblings and my wider family, but I know that speculating about it doesn't help. I don't believe that she is a bad or an evil person any more than most of us are, but she has made choices that have hurtful consequences for me. The years have passed and now I don't suppose I can say I know her any more - not really. But I am still her mother and I wish her and her beautiful children (the youngest of whom I have never met) well in all that they do. Through the years I have continued to send cards and gifts at the appropriate times and maintained, as much as I can under the circumstances, my maternal perspective. She is my child and always will be. My door is always open and if in the future my daughter chooses to be a part of our lives again I don't want there to be a stumbling block of my making in the way, so I am circumspect in how I think of her and what I say - especially in front of her siblings and other family members.

I see how supportive many on the COOTL thread are and how it obviously helps some of you to share your feelings about what has happened with others who have similar experiences. Hence I am glad this thread is no longer under AIBU. But I would urge you all to imagine a future when your child (or possibly a grandchild) is looking for a way to build bridges and to maybe think about the language used when talking about them. flowers

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Mar-15 22:08:48

Perhaps it's because it is still early days, even though it's been 2 and a half years, and the pain is still so raw but I cannot imagine a time when our ES will look to build bridgessad.

I used to hope he would, dream night and day that there'd be a knock at the door, a 'phone call, letter or email but when they never came the unfulfilled hope became as difficult to live with as the estrangement.

They live just down the road and the simple act of posting a Christmas or Birthday card for our GC through the door results in verbal abuse. Just exchanging a few words with him a couple of weeks ago, even though he had no idea who I was, resulted in the same but there's no way I'm going to ignore my own GC.

I am sorry that you are also living with this grannyactivist but pleased that you are at least able to send cards and gifts. Cards haven't been returned for the last year but we buy 2 each time so one can go in the memory box we're making for our GC.

I too, try to maintain as much of my maternal instinct as I can but it isn't easy is it especially when there's been so much anger and hostility. I can't help but think that the longer this goes on for, the less chance there is for reconciliation.

Thanks for giving us some food for thoughtflowers.

Katek Tue 03-Mar-15 22:26:25

I don't understand why you put yourself through the trauma of delivering cards Smileless.....why don't you just post them?

celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 22:52:19

I remember your story GrannyActivist it is so sad that you say you don't know her now.

To be honest of course after 6 years neither do I of course, it saddens,me greatly and I can't bear to dwell on that or I could t cope.

Do you get any acknowledgment to gifts or cards? Sorry if you said that.

I do a blog for oldest Gra daughter and we photograph gifts and cards as we. Never get acknowledgments so at least is record they were sent with love.

Smileless I feel one day things will change, you did speak to your son Before in our case it has been zero contact since day 1 so very little hope.

We just focus on what we are lucky enough to have and we do have good life still.

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Mar-15 22:58:22

Yes you're right Celeb we did speak to our ES almost a year ago when things were going wrong for him and he reached out to us; unfortunately it never amounted to anything.

Maybe that's why I don't send cards through the post Katekhmm. He isn't always there when I deliver them, I don't wait for him to be in, but if he is and he sees me, I'm reminding him that I'm still here.

celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 23:11:11

GrannyActivist I admire your kind thought towards your daughter despite the hurt she inflicted on you. Do you mind me asking how long since she cut you off?

We will always be their mums nothing can change that.

We do t send as much now but still send gifts to each child at Xmas despite not ever seeing 2 of them what else can We do? Lots of people say we should stop then she may miss us who knows?

celebgran Tue 03-Mar-15 23:12:54

Sorry smileless did t. MeanTo reopen painful memory. flowers I think there is hope that he will reach out again . We don't have that sadly,

grannyactivist Wed 04-Mar-15 00:06:50

Celebgran It was February 2006 when we last spoke and December 2005 when I last saw her or my two eldest grandchildren (they live a considerable distance from me). I don't really think my daughter or grandchildren would miss the gifts I send, but I continue because it's the right thing for me to do. I want to show that I still think of them and that I haven't cut them out of my life.
My mum (supported in this by other family members) thinks I should have stopped sending gifts years ago, but that's because she's very hurt and wanting to lash out a bit. She was very close to my daughter and keeps trying to make sense of her actions - as there is no explanation or reason that's ever been offered for ceasing contact my mum thinks I shouldn't send so much as a card. But as I used to say to my daughter when she was a little girl, two wrongs don't make a right, and as I am the parent I have to lead the way if there is ever to be a chance of a reconciliation. (Although I accept that's unlikely.)
My mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and at the moment I'm considering whether to let my daughter know this.

grannyknows Wed 04-Mar-15 07:54:12

grannyactivist, and all other Grandparents who are in this awful position, I feel so sorry for you, just a personal note from our situation, we had a family fall out, which got out of hand with our DD, not saying she was all to blame, I can hold my hands up and take some of it, I don't need to go into detail, then during all this there was something happened in our family which brought us all together again, thank god, I have a little GC now, I don't see as much as I would like to but am grateful for everything minute I have, there are hurtful things that have happened, I will never forget, it was the most awful time, but I have to put it back of my mind or I would go mad, maybe tell your DD about her grandma/nana, then she knows, and can't in later days throw that back at you, of course I don't know all your situations, but have been reading, just this is the first time I have replied. I had days where I thought "get lost" then days where I cried all day, such mixed feelings.

Celeb I do not know what happened between you and your DD, and it is so sad, but you did say she witnessed you hitting your OH, for whatever reason. Was she close to her dad, and got upset with you for that, will she see her dad without you there. I know if it was my DD's witnessing that they would fall out with me too.

Katek Wed 04-Mar-15 08:10:43

Is the card not a reminder in itself, Smileless? Can I also ask if any of the regular posters on COOTL threads have undergone personal counselling/therapy to help with their situations?

celebgran Wed 04-Mar-15 09:36:18

Granny knows that was not the case she didn't witness that he told her and it wasnt a hit as such a furious row A. Which culminated in me
Pushing him away. We were under enormous pressure at the time with her grandad seriously ill. Sadly she didn't eve. Want to see him and they were so close her only grandparent that she knew.
no I don't think that was case it is her. Husband that wants to isolate her she is cut off from her entire family not just us. I would say she was closer to me really.

Nonnie Wed 04-Mar-15 09:50:16

I did not read the previous threads as it would have been just too painful for me while I am in a very difficult situation so please stop me if I at any point go over old ground.

My DiL must be ill or she would not say and do the things she does. I have seen so many emails where she makes allegations against my DS and me and sometimes other members of the family that we are liars, we have made false allegations against her, we are trying to have her children taken away from her etc. However they are always generalised and there is never anything specific. It is clear that the same things are said to all and sundry and that the SWs seem to believe her. I have today looked up harrassment and stalking and can prove that she has done both to me but what good would it do for me to go to the police? I might feel better but it would only make things worse for my DS and she might stop him seeing his children altogether.

I feel helpless and so does DS.

Smileless2012 Wed 04-Mar-15 10:05:16

I think grannyknows's advice is good grannyactivist it would be better to let your D know that your mother is ill. She will know what the situation is and it will be up to her whether or not she makes contact. I'm so sorry that she has cancer, it must be a difficult time for you and your family.

When my stepfather who I was extremely close too was ill in hospital our DS told his brother so keeping him informed. When he died a couple of months later DH sent him a text, we couldn't 'phone him at home because he'd previously blocked our number and he wouldn't answer his mobile if he knew it was his dad who was 'phoning. He sent a brief reply but didn't send condolence cards or express any sympathy.

About 3 months after wards he finally agreed to meet up with DH and expressed his anger at not being invited to the funeral even though he cut my mother and brother out of his life at the same time as us.

No worries Celebsmileyou didn't open an old wound and it's true what you say, there has been some contact and not all of it abusive. If you remember I spoke to him last summer too, that's when he told me "we mustn't do this, it causes too much trouble". I know you've had absolutely nothing and I know how hard you've both triedsad.

It certainly is an emotional roller coaster grannyknows, I still have days when like you did, I think 'get lost' and others when I cry. It's good to know that your problems have been sorted and that you're a family again and that you are able to see your GCsmile.

I haven't had counselling about this situation Katek. When ES was about 6 months old I was diagnosed with PND and did have counselling. It was a very unpleasant experience and not one I would care to repeat. I was just 23 at the time, with a 2 year old and a baby and I found it more distressing than helpful. I appreciate it was a long time ago and I'm older, although not necessarily wiser,hmmbut I suppose it's a case of 'once bitten twice shy'.

Yogagirl Wed 04-Mar-15 11:02:48

Well here we are on our nice new thread & already lots of post. So flowers for all smile
I think we get good councilling on here, we all totally understand the situation of estrangement & share lots of useful formation. I must dash out now but will be back later this afternoon. Take care all xx

celebgran Wed 04-Mar-15 17:20:29

Well said yogagirl however I did have counselling for a year after this all happened. It helped tremendously I had real rapport with the person.

Tried it again to help me come to terms with fact of another baby arrived etc and it didn't help at all.

Thanks for sharing that grannyactivist it has been long while.
Strange that like me. Really you are not sure what caused it.
Did your daughter not even try to explain?
flowers sorry for quizzing you.

Moving on and looking forward to our holiday very soon got antibiotics today couldn't get doct appt so saw nurse she agreed am bit wheezy so be o. Safe side want be fighting fit for Barbados.

Poor graham got dentist tonight.
I feel shattered all done is walk to shop with Rosie small bit ironing and gone to friendship club talk off ancient Egypt very very good.
Hope everyone has had good day.

Galen Wed 04-Mar-15 18:22:15

You are giving too much personal info again. You would be easily identifiable!

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